14 Jun
Confidence, Friendships

4 Conversation Tips for Teens: Getting Past the Shy

Photo by Vince Fleming on Unsplash

A lot of teens have been saying to me lately that they are unsure how to start up conversations with people or keep conversations going. If feeling shy is part of the issue, this blog article with conversation tips is for you!

Here are the four tips on how to better your conversations, meet people and feel more confident:

Conversation Tips #1: Pay Attention to Your Inner Critic/Voice

What is your self-talk saying to you? What labels does it give you? I’ve heard teens that I work with say ‘I’m shy, I’ll just screw up, I don’t know what to talk about, etc.” Pay attention to the messages your inner critic is saying about your ability to have conversations.

Once you have awareness of that, you can start to think about what your goal is when it comes to talking to others. What do you want to be able to do in your conversation with others? What would it be like to have a good conversation? 

Photo by Anne Nygard on Unsplash

Try the following ladder exercise to begin changing what your inner critic is saying and increase your confidence with conversations.

First, imagine someone who is really good at conversations – Is it someone you know? A friend or an adult in your life?  What do you notice about the way they have conversations? What are some things they are saying? What do you imagine their inner voice says to them about talking to others. Some examples of things they might be thinking or saying:  ‘I’m a people person, I have lots to say, I’m confident, I’ve got this, I’m good at talking to people, etc.’ 

Picture a ladder, with the top of the ladder representing your ideal thought about having conversations; the version of you that is great at talking to others is at the top of the ladder!

Take a look at that ladder and think about where your thoughts are right now – maybe they are somewhere in the middle or towards the bottom – and imagine each rung is one step closer to being a confident conversationalist.

There are two things needed to move up the ladder (picture needing both hands to climb a real ladder – you move your left hand up, and then your right, left, right, etc.) Your left hand is like your inner game; When you practice changing what your inner voice is saying, to more confident thoughts. Your right is the tactile game; actually going out and doing the talking/practicing.

Conversation Tips #2: Ask Questions or Share A Compliment

Some tactile tips that teens have shared with me are:

Tip #1 Ask a question (people generally like talking about themselves). Be curious about them! Asking open-ended questions is helpful here, which are questions that can’t be answered with a “yes” or “no” like Did you see that movie? Try instead, What movies have you watched lately? What did you like best about the book we read in class? How did you figure out the assignment today?

Tip #2 Compliment someone. It has to be an authentic, genuine compliment. Really faking it will be felt by the other person. But if you see something you like that someone is wearing or doing, it’s okay to say it. Something like “that’s a really cool t-shirt, did you buy it at ….? No? Where did you buy it?” 

Conversation Tips #3: Scroll Social Media for Topics to Talk About

Another thing I’m hearing teens say is that they don’t have anything interesting to say. This is where social media can be your sidekick! If you’re interested in specific topics like politics, social justice, sci-fi, fashion, exercise, environmentalism, etc., you can look them up and find information so you have things to chat about. It doesn’t matter what you’re drawn to, scrolling a bit can help you find things that interest you so you have something to bring to the conversation. You don’t have to know everything about it. Just a little.

If you’re still a little stuck, here are 120+ conversation starters by Cheeky Kid to get you started! Remembering just a few of these will be a helpful conversation tool to have in your back pocket.

Conversation Tips #4: Get Out of Your Head

Once you’ve worked on your inner critic and have some topics to discuss, you’ll be using your right hand on your ladder (remember that’s the tactile side) to practice real conversations.

Sometimes while we’re in a conversation we get stuck in our head. So we’re worried about what we’re going to say instead of listening to what the other person says. And often if we actually listen to the other person, that can be enough to get us to the next level.

Photo by Alex Quezada on Unsplash

If you’re in your head thinking “what am I going to say next, what am I going to say next” it can be a slippery slope.

Stop and listen. Be in the moment. Some ways you can stay present are:

  • Take a deep breath.
  • Push your feet against the ground and notice the feeling.
  • Focus on a physical feature of the person – look at their eyes or their lips for example.
  • Try out the mindful/being present exercises in this article by Positive Psychology to make being present a common part of your life.

 

If you love to read, I recommend checking out The Teen’s Guide to Social Skills: Practical Advice for Building Empathy, Self-Esteem, and Confidence.

And remember to BE YOU! There’s nobody quite like you. If you need a little reminder on why being you is the best way to be, you can read my article The Social Chameleon: 10 Reasons Why You Want to Be Yourself.

Love,
Chantal

If you found this post helpful, pass it on by emailing a friend or sharing it on Twitter or Facebook – thank you!

Chantal Côté, R.Psych, Pyramid Psychology – helping older children, teens, and young adults learn how to build bulletproof mindsets.

 

29 May
Emotions, For Parents, Relationships

Family Bonding Time – What To Do When Your Teen Refuses To Join

The other day a parent was sharing that their 15 year old daughter refuses to go hiking with the family on weekends; she is missing out on family bonding. Sometimes forced to go, her mood puts a damper on the hike. Recently, they were planning to take a family holiday and their teen was saying she didn’t want to go and would make it miserable for everyone the entire time.

The thought of arguing the whole time with your teen  or having them mope around in straight up objection to being there can sound painful as a parent.  You may be tempted to just abandon ship and let them stay behind so at least one of you can enjoy the adventure.

Although teens are developing independence, and that comes with a level of pushback and push away, I am still going to make a case for “dragging” them along on these family moments in the name of memories, experiences, and bonding.

family hike

Photo from Canva Pro

WHEN YOUR TEEN REFUSES TO JOIN IN

Ultimately you get to make the call that fits best for your family. I would invite you to consider your reasons for proposing family time. For me, family time is an opportunity to connect and get to know each other outside of the stresses and routines of the daily grind. It’s also an opportunity to invite us to try new things and discover likes and dislikes. The truth is, often times when my teen is in refusal, it works out to be a pretty good time in the end.

Photo from Canva Pro

You may ask yourself:

  • Why do I think family time is important?
  • What values do I hope to share and instill in my children?
  • What do I hope my children will remember most about their childhood?
  • How do I think these experiences might impact our relationship?

I know I used hiking and holidays as the example up top – but it doesn’t have to be something that requires many resources or time. Family time can be games night, walks in the park, drive-in movie night, shooting hoops together (I do this lovingly and terribly!), etc. It all counts.

 

Photo from Canva Pro

Your teen may see this as time that could be spent with friends or something that pulls them away from things they enjoy (like being on their phone). There is some truth to this and it can be helpful to acknowledge it. You may approach this lovingly with expectations. Start by understanding the refusal – What are their reasons for not wanting to do the thing? Acknowledge their reasons – “so you’d rather be hanging out with your friends, I know how important they are to you.” Lovingly state your expectation – “I love you and want to make sure we have some time doing things as a family, we are all going to try this hike on Saturday – I hope you can make the best of it”. 

​CREATE SPACE FOR COLLABORATION AND NEGOTIATION

Whatever the refusal is, there can be an opportunity for your teen to feel heard and for you as a family to come up with ideas that work for everyone (most of the time). The time you invest in this process is a part of helping your teen develop communication and perspective taking skills and it can strengthen your bond and relationship.

How?

Photo from Canva Pro

Well if your daughter says “I don’t want to go hiking, I hate walking that long!”. Acknowledge the refusal. See if you can come up with some ideas to collaborate and negotiate on the family bonding activity  – maybe it’s a shorter family hike, maybe afterwards there is a relaxing reward like stopping for a cold bevie or ice cream, maybe you leave earlier for the hike to get home early enough for her to relax with her friends afterwards, etc.  

Know that their refusal is a part of the parent-child dynamic. Teens are exploring boundaries and pushing against them. When you’re in the midst of it, it can feel infuriating – know that this is essential to their development and you are that special person that is helping them along the way. As difficult as it may be sometimes, trying to remind yourself that this is normal and healthy development that is going to get them to be independent functioning adults can help you keep perspective. 

Photo from Canva Pro

When your teen is refusing and letting their opinion be known by way of their mood- it can be so easy to get swept up in the emotions. Remember your hula hoop – this is something I’ve been really working on lately. Your hula hoop is everything that is within your control; the things you have choice around. Everything that is outside of your hula hoop is outside of your control.

The way your teen behaves during the family activity – outside of your hula hoop. Your response, thoughts, perspective? All within your hula hoop. You get to choose whether their negativity is going to take you down or if you want to take the high road. You allow somebody or something to ruin something for you – not them.

I’d love to hear what is a part of your family bonding time – send me an email so we can compile an awesome list to share with our community of parents – chantal@pyramidpsychology.com

Love,
Chantal

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with. If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook. 

17 May
For Parents, For Teens, Teen Joy

Sexting, Dating and Relationships: What Parents Need to Know About Keeping Their Teens Safe Online

Being connected online is pretty much the standard for most teens. They are online for school, social life, entertainment, distraction, information – you name it, they are online for it. This is also an important time in their lives where they are increasingly curious and explorative in their sexuality and relationships.

What happens when we mix the online world and sex cocktail? This is tricky, not going to lie… Some days you may have the urge to throw out their phone and ban them from all potential online threats lurking around the corner. Of course this is one option, but probably not the most feasible. Not to mention it takes away the opportunity for them to learn the skills on how to engage online safely.

Photo by Bianca Castillo on Unsplash

When it comes to relationships, sex, and dating, teens are definitely having most conversations online. So, how do we encourage them to hit those normal developmental milestones around sexuality and relationships while staying connected to the online world safely? I’m approaching it this way – learning about the threats, keeping the conversation open and ongoing, and equipping them with knowledge to make informed decisions.

Some of the things I did as a teen like flirting, passing notes, and experimenting with relationships and dating have online versions today. One of the main differences is that when I said or did something I felt embarrassed about, it was something that felt terrible in the moment and eventually within a day or two (mostly) went away. Online posts and conversations have a more permanent shelf life and that can lead to more significant consequences.

Here are some of the potential online threats when it comes to relationships, dating and sexting:

​Sexting – Dr. Elana, in her article Sexting: What Parents Need to Know, describes sexting as “sending or getting sexually explicit or suggestive images, messages, or video on a smartphone or through the Internet.” If your teen has access to the internet and a device, they are exposed to the potential of this kind of interaction.

Dr. Elana also discusses the reasons why teens may be sexting which range from relationship related, as a joke, and in response to peer pressure – to name a few. Teens may see sexting as a relatively safe behaviour if they are in a relationship and context where they feel safe. But, the reality is the content that is posted can easily be spread to others (intentionally or accidentally) who your teen may not feel so good about sharing with. 

Photo by Canva

Revenge Porn – This wording has been criticized by some so it also goes by ‘non-consensual pornography’ and ‘image-based sexual abuse’. The sharing of photos with others or on online platforms via hacking and/or without the consent of your teen by someone like an ex would constitute as non-consensual pornography. Glamour magazine UK wrote a few pieces that share about the impact of this kind of experience on young people. Unfortunately, the frequency of this type of violating behaviour has been on the increase since the pandemic.

 

Photo by Canva Pro

Pornography – What defines pornography differs over time and within cultures. According to Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy pornography are any materials (image based or words) that are sexually explicit. Arguably there are some risks involved in teens viewing these materials. Pornography can perpetuate messaging around sexual behaviours that are inappropriate (e.g. lack of consent.) It can also offer perspectives on sexuality that are biased and without a lot of context.

 

​Online Predators – There are people online who definitely do not have your teen’s best interest at heart. The thing is once a photo is posted online there is very little way to control who may see it and what is done with it. If it comes across a sexual predator, your teen is at risk for being sexually exploited. Media Smarts, Canada’s Centre for Digital and Media Literacy writes that online predators rarely lie about their age and motives as seen in movies and shows. They often build relationships with youth and take advantage of that trust. Oftentimes the predator is someone the teen knows.

… Are you heading upstairs right now to confiscate your teen’s phone? Hopefully you’ll stick around and read about how you can really help your teen navigate this online world.

Photo by Canva Pro

Keep The Conversation Going

Talking about online social media use and how your teen wants to be known is an important step in keeping them safe. Knowledge and choice are powerful guards against exploitation. Does this mean they won’t make mistakes when it comes to dating, sex, and relationships online? Nope. But it does mean they’ll think twice before posting and maybe even make choices that keep them safe most of the time.

Start by being clear about the online threats you’re concerned about. It may be awkward at first, but if that pathway of communication is open, they are more likely to let you know if something isn’t feeling right to them.

Rachel Simmons suggests discussing some of the following topics when talking to your teen their social media use:

  • What they love about their social media platforms – get to know what they’re on and their favourite part of it
  • How they are using social media
  • What they want their social media account to say about them – look at encouraging it to be speaking about who they are over proving something to someone else or self
  • Encouraging social media as a point of connection to others instead of point of competition and comparison
  • How they can use social media to share about things, issues, and people they care about
  • The consequences of using social media as a platform to seek approval from others or ask what others think of them
  • ​Ask them to be curious about the intention, the why, and how they feel about what they post

Photo by William Krause on Unsplash

Some Other Ideas For Parents

Having rules and expectations around online behaviours can help create clarity and protect your teens from some online threats. MediaSmarts and Privacy Canada have great resources for parents and youth to check on how to stay safe online, relationships, cyberbullying and more.

You may also consider having shared accounts where you can check-in once in a while on things. Encourage your teen to have usernames that don’t reveal personal information and to password protect their accounts (you may want to know those passwords.) You may have limitations and rules around which social media apps and sites are to be used.

Having device use in a more common space in the home can help promote safe online use. I know this can be challenging especially nowadays when people are working from home and home more often.  Having privacy and needing space may override the desire to have device use be in a common area. This is a topic for negotiation and collaboration to figure out what works in your family.

Have limits on online use. This might entail having everyone leave their phones in a common space at bedtime or having a time where internet use is restricted.

Keep an eye out for things that seem off. If your instinct is saying something is not right, chances are there is something going on. If your teen’s behaviour suddenly changes, their response to getting off their online platforms is extreme, or they seem more secretive about their online use, this is something to pay attention to.

A final word. I do have an opinion on this. Youth need to know that even if they make a mistake when it comes to their online presence, they are not going to be shamed. In the case of teens who have become victims of non-consensual pornography, there are still too many stories that victim blame, punish, and shame the person for having taken the photos in the first place instead of taking action against those who shared without consent.

Let’s help our teens confidently navigate the world of dating, sex and relationships online by supporting, teaching, and learning from them. That way we empower them to make informed choices!

Love,
Chantal

 

 

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

09 May
Emotions, For Parents, For Teens, Teen Joy

Teen Mental Health Check up : How Are They Doing?

Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash

May is Mental Health Awareness Month, but let’s face it – Every Day should involve mental health awareness, especially at this time. The constant unknowns, missing out on friends, grads, sports, social gatherings and changes occurring in response to Covid-19 are sending many teens into a spiral of overwhelmed and anxious emotions. As parents and adults, you may be finding yourself in a similar situation where it is hard to look on the bright side or find motivation to get yourself out of this rut.

Are you noticing your teen spending hours in their room? Do they lack energy and motivation to get their tasks done?

Let’s talk about mental health and how to know when your teen is needing more support.

Making mental health a top priority can help flip things around for your teen. You might already know that if you want to feel better physically, you figure out the gaps and make changes to things like exercise, rest, and eating habits. Just like your physical health, if you want to feel better mentally, it starts with figuring out the gaps and making changes that will support your teen feel better.

Let’s break this down into 3 sections:

  1. Your Teen’s Current Level of Functioning
  2. Red Flags That Your Teen Needs Extra Support
  3. How to Help as a Parent

Photo by Trung Thanh on Unsplash

Your Teen’s Current Functioning

How is your teen doing? There are 5 main areas that you can take stock of that will help you determine how they are doing. The first area is their current supports. Paying attention and asking questions to learn about their friend groups and their connections is the place to start. Supports may be peers, adults or even pets! Be curious about who your teen is talking to – is it you? An older sibling? A teacher? Their best friend? They don’t need to have many people, but it is important to have a few options.

The second area that influences teen mental health is current stressors. Stress is not always a bad thing – it can help your teen prepare for a test or perform in their sport. However, there’s a tipping point where stress zaps energy and motivation away. You can try checking in with your teen by asking things like:

  • What are 3 things you think about most of the time? 
  • What’s been stressing you out lately at school/with friends/at home? 
  • What’s one thing (or person) that’s been annoying you lately?
  • If you could take one thing away from your daily tasks what would it be? 
  • How would you like to spend more of your time? (The answer to this one may surprise you!)

Dialing into what kind of stressors are most impacting your teens right now will give you an idea of how they are doing.

Once you know what’s stressing them out, then you want to know how much this causes issues. In other words, how much is the problem disrupting their day to day? Is their stress keeping them up at night? Is it something they think about every day? Are there physical effects caused by the stress – like headaches or stomach aches? Stress in small doses can build your teen’s stress resilience or, in other words, their ability to deal with stress. I wrote a blog specifically on stress – Why Stress About Stress – A Teen’s Guide to Handling the Ups and Downs – which includes the different zones you can pay attention to.

Photo by Imani Bahati On Unsplash

Next, you want to have a sense of your teen’s coping strategies. How do they deal with their problems and challenges? I often talk to teens about the concept of ESD (express. soothe. distract.) Although it is important to build coping strategies in all of these areas for the best mental health outcomes, people do have a tendency to have a more dominant way of handling struggles – and that’s ok.

Express is all about finding ways to let out the thoughts, feelings, and energy behind what is troubling you. Express could be:

  • Talking to a friend
  • Going for a run
  • Listening to music
  • Painting or drawing
  • Creative writing
  • Journaling
  • Screaming into a pillow
  • Tearing paper
  • Crying

Soothe is about finding ways to calm your mind and body. It’s like helping your nervous system do a little reset. We all need a little reset sometimes. Soothe could be:

  • Crying
  • Hugging
  • Going for a walk
  • Taking a nap
  • Wearing a favourite sweater
  • Giving yourself a hug
  • Having a warm drink
  • Taking a bath
  • Massage
  • Meditation
  • Yoga

Distract is usually the dominant one for most teens that I first start working with. Anything that gets your mind off the problem can be considered a distraction. Some examples are:

  • Watching TV, YouTube, or social media
  • Hanging out with a friend
  • Going for a run
  • Playing video games
  • Playing with your pet
  • Finding something funny
  • Cooking/baking
  • Creating art
  • Listening to music

As you may have noticed some coping skills fit into more than one category. It depends on the outcome – what does this coping skill help me do: express myself, distract myself, soothe myself, or a bit of everything? To give your teen a whole list of coping strategies to try, download our free Mental Health Handbook for Teens (illustrations done by a teen!) here.

Last and certainly not least is whether they are asking for support. If your teen is saying they’d like to talk to someone or they’re not sure how to handle things, this is important to listen to. You can read about the different supports I offer in my blog article: Everything You Need To Know About Therapy – On And Off The Couch.

Photo by Canva

Red Flats *Pay Attention To These!*

You may have a decent idea of your teen’s current functioning. In the above conversations, you may have even brought some of those pieces to your teen’s awareness. Teen’s are going to have ups and downs – it’s part of being human and especially part of being a teen human. Here are some red flags; things you want keep an eye out for that will let you know your teen’s mental health is suffering:

  • Your teen is feeling worthless, hopeless, helpless, or rejected
  • You notice a major lack of energy or motivation in daily activities
  • There are sudden changes like withdrawing or isolating themselves from things
  • A significant decline in school performance (e.g. super hard to concentrate or get motivated)
  • Consistent trouble concentrating or thinking clearly
  • Trouble sleeping or eating
  • Decline in personal hygiene beyond the typical stuff (here is an article you can read on this topic)
  • Your teen has a lot of negative thoughts, or thoughts that spiral down out of control (e.g. thinking of dying or suicide)
  • Your teen says they are hearing voices or seeing things that others don’t

Photo by Canva Pro

How To Help as a Parent

1. Put your oxygen mask on first. I’m not a fan of “musts and shoulds” most of the time, but this one is imperative! You must take care of yourself in order to support your teen. If you are burnt out, overwhelmed, or crazy stressed, you not only don’t have the energy to help your teen, you also set a precedent on how to take care of yourself and your mental health.

Stop. I don’t want you to make yourself wrong or bad about this. Just notice. Pay attention to how you take care of your own mental health. What message do you think it is sending to your teen about how to take care of their own mental health? What is the message you would like them to pick up about their mental health? Check out this resource on avoiding parent burnout!

2. Making time to listen and check-in with your teens on a regular basis is important. It doesn’t always have to be on the topic of mental health of course, but that topic needs to be on the table for discussion. Some teens have said to me they enjoy going for drives with a parent or going for a walk and just talking. Others have check-ins with their parents just before bed or around the dinner table. You can collaborate with your teen and find ways that work in your family to have undistracted, tech free conversations on a regular basis.

3. Ask how you can help. If your teen is struggling with a specific issue like anxiety, school stress, friendship stuff, start by asking them how you can help. You can give a few ideas if that question is met with I don’t know or a dazed look. Sometimes I will ask ‘are you looking for ideas to resolve the problem or to vent and just have me listen right now’?

4. Get help from others. Hook your teen up with resources that are specific to supporting their mental health. Here are just a few:
​

If you decide after your mental health check-up with your teen that it would be helpful to work with someone, connect with us over at Pyramid Psychology 403.812.1716 (call or text) or email us at info@pyramidpsychology.com.

Love,
Chantal

If you found this post helpful, pass it on by emailing a friend or sharing it on Twitter or Facebook – Thanks!

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

27 Mar
Emotions, For Parents, For Teens, Teen Joy

Making The Most of Family Time During The Pandemic

Photo by Canva Pro

It can be easy to focus on the negatives, and not without reason. We are living in a pandemic; many people are stuck at home, have lost their jobs, activities of interest, or otherwise made major life adjustments. While a lot of these factors are not easily changed, we can make the most of the situations that we are facing. For some families, the pandemic means a lot more time is spent together at home. Choosing how to relate to others and ourselves can make a significant difference.

Here Are Some Ideas For How To Encourage Healthy Family Dynamics

One way to build family cohesiveness is to come together and make a list of factors that will lead to a healthier and happier family. These factors can include anything from values, such as treating each other with respect, kindness, and being honest, to more practical guidelines. Practical suggestions could be taking turns completing certain household responsibilities, or everyone cleaning up after dinner together until the job is done. It is important for everyone to pitch in, have their ideas heard, and to agree to work as a team to reach the goals.

Photo by Canva Pro

This list of therapeutic interventions comes from Dr Hertlein’s “recipe for success,” whereby the family comes together to agree upon shared hopes, identify ways to get there, and being sure to celebrate when progress is made. For families with teenagers, the “recipe for success” could be rephrased as the honour code or the pizza plan, with the reward for making progress being a family pizza and games night, or whatever other enjoyable activity fits best with the family.

Another way to foster family unity is through gratitude. At times, our minds like to focus on the negatives or things to improve. While there is a time and a place for that, it is not always the most productive strategy to stay in that mindset. Instead, aim for roughly five positive comments to every one negative (or constructive) one. This is a high standard, and admittedly can be difficult to achieve. If verbalizing gratitude for another family member seems like too big a leap, consider reflecting on and writing down aspects of people within the family that you are thankful for.

Photo by Ross Sneddon on Unsplash

Related to gratitude is taking a genuine interest in the activities of other family members. Video games, puzzles, makeup, sports, fashion, or what-have-you may not be of personal interest but being curious about these interests if they are important to a loved one shows care, support, and encourages connection.

Lastly, role-modelling desirable behaviour is a great way to move toward a preferred outcome. Loving family members even when they are at their worst, taking accountability for errors, and being vulnerable with personal thoughts and feelings set the groundwork for authentic connection. Admitting wrongdoing and asking for forgiveness sends a huge message in terms of what it means to be human – it is okay to be imperfect, to try our best, and that relationships are more important than personal pride.

A part of this role-modelling is kindness for oneself. We all make mistakes, but it is of no benefit to anyone to stay there and dwell on it. Similar to thinking of five positive factors to one constructive factor for others, take a similar approach for yourself.

What are other tips do you have to build family connection and confidence?

Love,

​Jessa

Jessa, our intern – a Masters of Counselling student – has officially started!

Jessa graduated from
the University of Calgary
in 2015 with a Bachelor
of Arts with Distinction
in psychology. and is
currently completing her
Masters of Counselling
Psychology through
Athabasca University.
Jessa loves spending
time with family and
close friends, learning
new things, and being
outside in nature. She
also enjoys food,
cooking, and trying new
recipes, and is
interested in art both
personally and as a tool
in therapy.

21 Mar
Emotions, For Teens, Relationships

5 Secrets On Why You Want Your Teens To Care About Social Justice

I’ve been meeting the most amazing youth in my therapy practice. One of the things that really strikes me is the caring and passion they have for things they believe in.

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What does your teen care about? What lights them up, sparks their fire, gets under their skin – you know – the thing they just can’t help saying something about? You might find it challenging if it differs from your own views and beliefs. This may lead to you to feel frustrated at why they can’t see your point of view or a series of pointed heated debates.

When I was younger, I became really interested in learning about cultures. I eventually started volunteering with an organization that supported refugees who had recently arrived in Canada. It started from a place of curiosity and I ended up learning so much about myself, others, and the world. Even though my views were not necessarily the same as some of the people in my world, I continued to stay connected to this program and even worked there for a while. Following my passion and what I believe in has made for some incredible connections, learning, and experiences.

Here’s the thing: If your teen is passionate about a cause, they are hitting an important developmental milestone. If your teen’s views or passion are not harming them or others, it’s worth elevating their voice. Even though you may not share the same opinion as them, here are 5 reasons why encouraging your teen’s passion is important:

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Fostering Your Relationship With Your Teen

When you take the time to hear about your teen’s views, whether it’s political, social, or other, it fosters connection with your teen. Being curious about things they care about is like getting the inside scoop on your teen. It can open your eyes to their likes, dislikes, values, and worldviews. At a time in their development where they are often pushing parents away, these can be invaluable moments of connection and insight for us as parents.

Foster Empathy

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Empathy is the ability to connect with others, the emotions they are experiencing, and a way of communicating to others they are not alone, even if you have not experienced the same situation. When your teen is speaking up for others, learning about a specific cause or thing that matters to them, they are nurturing their ability to be empathetic. This builds their emotional and social intelligence which will serve them in all human interactions. Even if this cause is not people-oriented like being passionate about rescuing animals, there is empathy in the connection to a living creature as well as to the people they meet along the way that share and don’t share these views.

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Foster Identity and Confidence

 

Your teen is constantly in the process of getting to know who they are, how they want to show up, and who their people are. By engaging in something larger than themselves and finding things that matter to them, they can build pieces of their identity. They may go through periods where something is important and then shed that part of their identity and that is ok. They are trying things on for size and this is an important part of developing identity. By speaking out and speaking up your teen is developing their confidence – their ability to take action even if they are unsure, nervous, or doubting.

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Foster Connection

Feeling connected is core to the human being. We need connection in order to thrive. This connection can come from meaningful relationships with others, spending time with people who have similarities to us, and in being witnessed and understood. When your teen is passionate about a cause or issue, they will likely find others who have similar views. They may connect to peers, mentors, and other influencers along the way. This is also an opportunity for you as a parent to connect with your teen around what matters to them.

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Foster Critical Thinking

Giving your teen a voice around their views and beliefs can help build important brain skills. Be open to conversations around the issues they find important. Ask them about their interest and what makes it important to them. When there are opportunities, engage in healthy debates and critical questions around these issues. You are ultimately helping them develop their ability to have perspective and to critically think about things.

What are some causes you felt passionate about as a youth? Are you still connected to these views and beliefs today? I invite you to share one thing that your teen self felt passionate about with your teen and find out what it is that lights their fire.

Love,
Chantal

​​If you found this post helpful, pass it on by emailing a friend or sharing it on Twitter or Facebook – thanks!

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

14 Mar
Emotions, For Teens, Teen Joy

Why Stress About Stress – A Teen’s Guide to Handling the Ups and Downs

 

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What is Stress?

A breakup, a big test, talking in front of the class – you know exactly when you feel stressed. There are certain situations that probably really rev up your stress levels and you can see them coming from a mile away. Then there might be other times when stress either creeps up or slams into you like a semi-truck.

Stress is your body and brains’ response to the outside world. Whether you’re taking a test, meeting a new person, talking to your crush, playing your sport, or performing in some way, stress is basically anything that is put through your brain computer and interpreted as tense, straining, scary, or pressuring. Your brain interprets stress in microseconds.

What you find stressful may not be the same thing as what your friends or parents find stressful. But, there are some situations that our brains are wired for from an evolutionary perspective, like rejection, that most of us feel some stress around. Public speaking and speaking up for ourselves or others are pretty common ones.

What is Happening in the Body?

When your brain detects something that feels like a threat (emotional, psychological, physical) it flips on the stress response. You might notice your heart start to race, your breathing change, your body feeling tense, sweaty, or shaky. You may be feeling nervous, like you’re in a fog, or like you notice everything on hyperdrive (ex: everyone is staring at me.)

If you think about this response in a real life-threatening situation, it’s actually a really good thing! You would want to be noticing dangerous things and be tense and ready to run or fight. But in the case of meeting a new person or eating in front of your friends, this stress response is….. Kind of a bummer.

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How Can We Flip The Switch On Stress?

Everyone gets stressed. It’s totally normal and can be a good thing. Thinking of stress on a continuum (like the one above) can be really helpful with green, yellow, and red zones, or like a 1-10 kind of thing.

Some amount of stress actually helps your brain and body focus, be alert and ready for things – so that could be really good if you’re taking your drivers test and want to be paying attention and alert or you’re in a playoff game and you need to be focused, muscles tense, engaged and ready to perform.

If you start to look at stress as an opportunity to get better at handling stress, you will actually be better at managing stress. The kind of stress that is an opportunity is sometimes called adaptive stress and this would be your green zone stress. These situations help build your stress muscle to become more resilient, more able to handle stress. You know you’re in your green zone when you are having a stress response, you’re able to handle it, you get through the stressful thing, and the stress goes away.

There is also the yellow zone stress, this is stress that lingers a little more. So even when the thing is done, the stress is still there. Sometimes things like moves, family changes, breakups (friends or relationships), or a death can be considered yellow zone stress. And sometimes people who have become fearful of certain things – like speaking in front of the class or test taking – end up feeling like these are more like yellow zone stress until they learn ways to manage that stress better.

Red zone stress is the kind you want to avoid as much as possible – it’s sometimes called toxic stress. When your body and brain are flooded with stress continuously, it can actually change the way your brain is wired. Stuff like abuse, neglect, and violence fit into this zone.

Why Should I Pay Attention To Stress? 

So now that you know stress happens to everyone, and stress is not always a bad thing… When should you pay attention to stress a little more? Here are some signs you need to pay attention to your stress:

  • ​If stress is moving into “all the time” territory and you’re constantly feeling stressed.
  • If stress is extreme and affecting your mood – so if you’re feeling aggression/anger, anxiety, overwhelm, depressed, unable to get out of bed, really down, shutdown, etc.
  • If stress is causing physical symptoms like headaches, stomach aches, lack of appetite, or disrupting sleep, it’s time to pay attention. Butterflies in your stomach and sweaty palms don’t count, especially if they are temporary.
  • If stress is affecting your social life like your friendships, family relationships, school success, etc.
  • If your stress coping behaviours are risky like drugs/alcohol, self-harm, restricting your eating or binging, binging on social media to numb out, totally avoiding people or things, etc.

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6 Things You Can Do Today To Better Manage Your Stress:

1. Notice Your Stress – pay attention to what’s happening in your body and brain and dial in to your green, yellow, red zones. The more you recognize this, the more you can choose to do something about it. If you notice yourself ramping up, you can stop and use your coping skills and resources and reach out to your supports as needed.

2. Organization and Planning Skills – make your stress more manageable by getting stuff in order – organizing your space, reminders, lists, using a calendar, planning ahead, breaking tasks down into smaller chunks can be super helpful.

3. Relaxation Strategies – practice calming yourself every single day. Some ideas you can use are breathing techniques, mindfulness, meditation, yoga, journaling, having a drink of water, slowly counting to 10.

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4. Express Your Stress – stress has a lot of energy behind it so don’t keep it bottled up. Try working out, sports, writing, singing, art, talking to someone, taking a nap, listening to music.

5. Make Stress Work For You By Using Mindset Stuff – working on your thoughts and beliefs about things that are stressing 6out this? Am I actually in danger? Can I laugh with myself about this right now or after?

6. Enroll in Stress Buster Bootcamp – I have created a bootcamp that includes one month of daily texts for you, with a different tip, tool, or resource to managing stress in each text. Your parents will receive a weekly webinar so they can support you better, too. You or your parent can email info@pyramidpsychology.com for details.

So now you are ready to take on stress and even allow it to be your friend sometimes. If you are looking for more ways to be the boss of your stress, sign up from our Stress Busting Bootcamp, where you will get 28 audio text messages with different ideas and information on how to manage stress, PLUS 4 webinars for parents (and teens if they want) to learn all about stress.

Love,
Chantal

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

08 Mar
For Parents, Self Image & Body Image

Unhealthy Eating Behaviours: Quick Tips On How to Help Your Teen

I was prompted to write this blog article on unhealthy eating behaviours when a parent I work with was asking the other day how to support their teen who has been consistently restricting her eating… When your teen is refusing to eat, constantly worried about their weight or body shape, or struggling to get proper nutrition, you may worry that this behaviour will quickly turn into disordered eating.

Disordered eating needs supportive attention immediately from your healthcare team. If you are concerned that this is more than periodic unhealthy eating behaviours, start by contacting your family doctor, pediatrician, or Alberta Health Services.

There are also other resources available to you: incredible books and resources are listed on this website, and there are programs and counselling professionals with expert content to support your teen here.
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​If you are noticing some unhealthy behaviors around food, let’s talk about some things you can do as a parent to support your teen.

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Understanding Some of the Reasons Why Teens Develop Unhealthy Eating Behaviours

  • Media messaging – in our western society, messages about the thin culture and looking a certain way are constantly being fed to our youth.
  • Adult messages (and others in their lives) – the messages youth receive from the adults and role models around them matter. If as parents we are struggling to love our bodies, we are teaching our children and teens what kind of relationship to have with their own body.
  • Activities and their demands – if your teen is part of a club or sport that places high demands on body physique, this can put pressure to achieve this goal through the cost of eating behaviours.

 

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with. If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook. 

28 Feb
Counselling, For Parents, For Teens, Relationships

Everything You Need to Know About Therapy – On and Off the Couch

Can you picture yourself walking in your favourite park, sun shining down on your face, picture perfect trees against a vast blue sky backdrop?

What if this was your counselling session?

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When choosing a therapist to work with your teen, fit is really important. You want to choose someone who your teen feels comfortable with, someone who you can communicate with easily, and someone with knowledge in working specifically with teen issues.

Beyond these considerations, you’ll also want to think about how the sessions will unfold. When I was developing my therapy practice,  I gave a lot of thought to the different ways I worked things out when I was a teen. I have memories of walking with my best friends, tea in hand, venting about relationships and school stress. I remember keeping a journal for poems, art, and just letting it all out. I also remember blasting my music until the feelings passed.

That’s why it’s important to offer different ways for teens to meet with me. Here’s a little more information on the ways therapy can look when working with the team at Pyramid Psychology.

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Walk and Talk Sessions

My friend reminded me the other day that I had talked to them about the idea of walk and talk therapy sessions over 10 years ago. Although I’m definitely not the only person to have thought of this idea, it has been percolating in my mind over many years.

Walk and talk therapy sessions are when I meet with a client in a safe outdoor space (generally Fishcreek Park in Calgary, Alberta) and we walk during the session. We can take breaks and sit on the park benches or walk the entire time.

This kind of therapy can be great if:
– You are intimidated by the idea of sitting face to face with someone and talking about vulnerable topics
– You like to move
– You like being outdoors
– You have good conversations with others while walking

 

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Movement produces endorphins and other natural chemicals that help boost our mood. So the combination of being able to talk about your struggles while moving can be a natural way to help thoughts, feelings, and experiences transform from the inside out. Even paying attention to the speed of walk or the pace can help bring awareness to your teen’s experience and their ability to make choices that are right for them.

When I asked my first walk and talk teen client how the pace of our walk was, they answered, “what do you mean?”. I invited them to notice if our walking speed was too fast, too slow, just right and to notice that in their body. At first, I think the teen thought it was a little weird, but as they settled into noticing, they realized they wanted to walk just a little slower and we adjusted. It may have seemed like a small moment but it was so significant to have them check-in with how they were feeling in that moment and to advocate and ask for a change. This is a skill they continue to grow and use in their everyday life.

Walking side by side with your therapist can also help to even the playing field. What I mean by this is sometimes it can be intimidating for teens to talk to adults, let alone psychologist adults. Walking together can help it feel a little more comfortable and casual. The quality of the therapy is there, but the feelings surrounding it may make the conversation flow with more ease. You can check out www.pyramidpsychology.com for a little more information on walk and talk sessions.

 

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Expressive Arts

Expressive arts is a way of supporting teens (people of all ages really) to express, understand and discover while using experiential mediums such as paint, writing, drawing, photography, movement, music, crafting etc. Expressive arts is different from art therapy. It uses many different ways for teens to reflect and get to that place of change and action. Expressive arts also uses something called the Intermodal Process. The Intermodal Process means using multiple mediums in one session in order to gain a deeper understanding.

For example, you might start by creating an image and then write about the image or you may start by listening to some music and create a drawing in response.

It’s important to know:
– You don’t need to be an artist or
– Even think you are creative
– All you need is a little bit of curiosity and an open mind
– It can be as simple as starting with scribbles or creating a mini sculpture with pipe cleaners

I have trained for some time in expressive arts and the really humbling part is that in order to learn you need to do it. So I have tried many different ways of being creative, some which I love, some which I learn so much, and some that I won’t use that much in the future.

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If a teen is interested in using expressive arts, we talk about it at first and discuss how it can be used occasionally during sessions as an additional way to process thoughts, feelings, experiences OR that it can be used as the main technique. It’s important for us to find the right fit. I also start off by getting to know the teen’s type of creativity they feel most comfortable with. Teens have said to me it’s been helpful to know the art is not graded and there is no expected outcome. The art making process is just as important as the product (the thing you create).

When teens (and me!) use expressive arts in session, oftentimes, they are surprised at what they notice and what comes to their awareness. It can help them:
– transform an emotional response (e.g. anxiety to calm)
– put into images/art/music feelings and thoughts that are difficult to put into words
– take an experience that feels scary and big and make it into a tangible creation that isn’t as overwhelming
– bring awareness to their inner experience in order to make changes and come to resolutions
– learn new skills, new ideas, and new knowledge

If your teen is less verbal, needs more time to process their experiences, or enjoys being creative, expressive arts might be a really good fit. The Thirsty for Art Podcast and Shelly Klammer are a couple resources to check out to learn more.

 

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Virtual Sessions

Some teens like virtual sessions because they can hop on from the comfort of their own home. If your teen has a private, cozy space where they can talk to their counsellor,  this may be an option. It can be nice to have your pet snuggle up to you while in session and be able to sit on your bed or wear your pajamas.

Virtual sessions are not for everyone and here are a few things for your teen to consider:

  • Is my home a space safe?
  • Is it quiet and distraction free?
  • Am I ok meeting someone in 2D?
  • Am I virtually tapped out?
  • What are the pros and cons of this type of therapy for me?

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On the Couch

Meeting face to face in a specific office space has its advantages. It is a container for therapeutic work. The space is dedicated for this and once a teen leaves, they metaphorically leave some of that tough stuff in that space. Having a consistent  familiar space to meet can also help with that feeling of comfort and safety. Knowing all you need to do is show up and the space will be there, unchanging, and familiar can alleviate additional stress. Talking with someone face to face can help add things like non-verbal cues (e.g. body language) which gives another bit of information.

Your teen’s choice on how they want to work with their therapist is part of growing their self-esteem and confidence. You can always mix things up also and have some off the couch and some on the couch sessions – making the process of building bulletproof mindsets as creative as they want it to be!

Love,
Chantal

​If you found this post helpful, pass it on by emailing a friend or sharing it on Twitter or Facebook – Thanks!

– Chantal Côté, R.Psych, Pyramid Psychology – helping older children, teens, and young adults learn how to build bulletproof mindsets.

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with. If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook. 

21 Feb
Emotions, For Parents, For Teens, Teen Joy

How Much Do You Know About Gratitude? And Why You Should Care

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It can be so easy to find things to complain about, to want more, to be unhappy or unsatisfied with life and how things are going. Our brains are wired to find the negative first as a way of surviving. This is great if you are in danger or if you need to take action to save yourself. It’s not so great if you want to experience emotions that help you feel more connected, happy, joyful, calm, and loved.

What is gratitude anyways? Gratitude is an emotion and an attitude. Gratitude is the feeling of being thankful and in appreciation. You might be grateful for tangible things you have like friends, family, a phone, clothes you like, the sport you play, the ability to sing, etc. You may be grateful for intangible things like love, peace, memories, quiet moments, laughter etc.

Gratitude can be a game changer for your mental health. Researchers have found that a daily gratitude practice can increase mood, optimism, and overall pleasant feelings (like happiness).

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As a teen, practicing gratitude has a lot of benefits. Here are just a few: 
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  • Gratitude Causes a Good Mood: focusing on the things you appreciate and are thankful for increases happiness and decreases stress, which will definitely put you to be in a better mood. To learn more about moods, check out by blog article: The Miracle of Teen Feelings.
  • Gratitude Promotes Empathy: when you are feeling grateful and thankful for others it’s almost impossible to not care about them and their well-being. This grows your empathy, meaning your ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and to care about and want to understand them.
  • Gratitude Connects: thinking about and sharing the things and people you appreciate can increase your sense of connection and love to others. This is really good for friendships and social bonds with loved ones.
  • Gratitude is Flexible: being in appreciation can be done in so many different ways. It can be a thank you note, thanking someone in your head, being grateful for a past experience or something coming up, writing it down, an act of kindness, saying something you appreciate out loud, etc.
  • Gratitude Motivates: the more gratitude you practice, the more wonderful things you will start to notice. This can be quite inspiring to want to do more, live more, and be more.

Here are 4 gratitude practices you can try:

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Gratitude Journal

Start or end your day by writing down 3 things you are grateful for. You can start with more general things but over time try and get more specific about the things you appreciate. For example, I might write “friends” in the beginning. When I’m trying to get more specific, I may say something like “my friends because I love how much they make me laugh”.

Getting more specific about why you are thankful makes the appreciation feel more connected to you personally; it becomes more meaningful.

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Gratitude Circle

In a gratitude circle each person gets the opportunity to share 1 general thing they are grateful for and 1 specific thing that they are grateful for today. It’s a great way to feel connected to others and grow gratitude in your social circles.

You can do this with a group of friends or with your family. Decide on a time where you will practice it. Some families choose at the dinner table or friends may choose to do this in a group chat.

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Gratitude Jar

Set up a jar where every day you write something you are grateful for and drop it in. It can be a centrally located jar in your house where everyone can contribute or it can just be for personal use. At the end of the week or at the end of the month read all of the things that you have felt grateful for. Start to fill your jar all over again – and you can keep the previous ones too and watch your jar fill with gratitude.

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Gratitude Meditation/Prayer

You can search on-line and find gratitude meditation scripts or videos. Here are a few you could try:

You can also create your own. Start by writing down 10-15 phrases that begin with “I am grateful for….” or “I am thankful….” and then record yourself saying them in a calm voice and playing them back for yourself as you are sitting comfortably, lying down, or walking outside in nature.

What are some other ways you are practicing gratitude during your day?

Share this with someone who you are grateful for.

Love,
Chantal

 

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

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