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The snarky No’s and endless attitude of living with a teenager can be hurtful and hard to take some days. What if you have 3 teens or 5 for that matter! If you are looking to survive the teen years, while hanging on to the great things in your relationship, read on: Don’t take it personally- Don’t Read this when you are arguing with your teen because otherwise you will skip this post altogether. The eye rolls, attitude, sarcasm, testing limits, it's pretty much all typical and expected. **Note I didn’t say easy. Some parents have asked me if they should let their teen know they don’t appreciate the tone or the behaviours. For the most part, I recommend letting it be and deciding which are the battles worth fighting for. I think you can bring it up if you are saying it from a neutral place (so maybe the next day). There may be a chance that they hear that and think twice next time, but that’s a bonus, not the goal. Self-Care for you- You are the adult and you have more experience and more access to your fully wired brain (most of the time). The more you take the time to care for yourself, the more you are able to let things roll off your back and it pays off for everyone. I have a pretty non-negotiable morning routine that includes meditation and a workout to help me be more even keeled throughout the day. What do you do ?  Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash Practice your ABC’s-
Know all of this is part of an important developmental milestone- Teens develop important skills like cooperation, problem solving, and negotiation by essentially acting out to some degree. For better or worse, you are the identified safe ground to try out these skills. To get the thinking brain at work here you can try a paraphrase once in a while, “so what I heard you say is everyone you play games with is fine with being cursed at and talked down to”.  Allow yourself thinking time- It’s ok to say “we are not having this discussion right now with us being so angry”. It’s ok to walk away (maybe not storm away) and come back to things, even if it's the next day. Don’t ever let nagging cause you to cave on things that you have a hard line on. Keep these in mind to help you shift your perspective and know your teen may be having a hard not giving you a hard time. Let the weight drop off you like sandbags and embrace self-love as a parent choosing to show up. If you found this post helpful, pass it on by emailing a friend or sharing it on Twitter or Facebook- Thanks!
- Chantal Côté, R.Psych, Pyramid Psychology- helping older children, teens, and young adults learn how to build bulletproof mindsets
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You know those apps that allow you to block, see and track your teens digital usage? I've heard from many teens that parental controls feel restrictive and kinda disrespectful. Teens are bright and find creative ways to get around or disable these tools. Ok. Are you freaking out a bit? It's simply not a clear cut answer of whether you use them or not. What it boils down to are your intentions and how your decisions are supporting your teen to develop-
 Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash If you want to have a respectful relationship with your teen, even if they won't like all your decisions, let's dive into this parental control idea. Imagine this analogy: When you go tobogganing (living in Canada here, thinking of snow!) you will see kids with snow pants, no snow pants, helmets, no helmets, some taking insane jumps and others sliding down cautiously. Internet safety is a part of parenting to help teach your kids the behaviours you think will line them up for safety and success just like any other potentially dangerous activity. digital citizenshipOnline communities are like in person communities in that there are responsibilities, social norms, and folks that behave in all kinds of ways.  Photo by Creative Christians on Unsplash Educating your teen on digital citizenship starts with You. Understand the 7 key areas:
By having conversations with your teen (yes multiple conversations ) about the online world, you are building trust, responsibility and their ability to make informed choices. And listen they're gonna mess up because that's how humans discover, learn and grow in this world. age mattersConversations on how to use the internet safely need to begin as soon as your kiddos start using technology. Now of course, what you will say to a 4-year old is going to be completely different then talking to your 13-year old. Talk to your teens about what they are seeing, who they are interacting with, and what is catching their attention online. This is a huge insight into their world and what is important to them right now.  Photo by Julia Coimbra on Unsplash when you are considering parental controlsAsk yourself, "what's my intention?" If it's to block all potentially disturbing content and track your teen's online behaviours, you may see this backfiring on developing a respectful relationship with them. Perhaps you are in a situation where parental monitoring is a big challenge right now? You have your specific reasons for considering parental controls.  Photo by Michael Jeffery on Unsplash It is so important that you consider what actions you are going to take to continue building trust and develop your teen's ability to make smart choices and take responsibility. Talk to them about why you are making internet use decisions and be prepared to hear their concerns. Help them by connecting your reasoning to their hopes and goals (e.g. if they wanna get good grades, sleep and reduced tech use before bed will help them reach this). Consider flexibility within the controls. No matter what decision you make, you will Stay in your teen's squad if you approach it relationship first.
If you found this post helpful, pass it on by emailing a friend or sharing it on Twitter or Facebook- Thanks! - Chantal Côté, R.Psych, Pyramid Psychology- helping older children, teens, and young adults learn how to build bulletproof mindsets |
AuthorChantal Côté is a Registered Psychologist in the province of Alberta and the owner of Pyramid Psychology. Pyramid Psychology mission is to help teen girls build Bulletproof Mindsets. Youth are full of greatness and uniqueness and it is a gift to have them share this with the world. Pyramid Psychology supports teens (and parents) that are struggling with anxious and overwhelmed thoughts and feelings. Meeting in person in Southeast Calgary, on-line for those living anywhere in Alberta, and outdoors for walk and talk sessions, Chantal uses a trauma informed lens and invites people to try thought based, mindfulness, and expressive practices to manage and weather the storms of life. Archives
September 2020
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