The other day a parent was saying how their 15 year old had no self-esteem and the parent was at a loss on how to help. Trying to support your teen who is struggling with their self-worth and thoughts that they are not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, strong enough, can feel like sand that just keeps slipping through your fingers. No matter what you do it seems, those self-defeating messages weight more on the scale of self-esteem.
Being a teen has ups and downs. There are moments when they may be feeling so aware and unsure of themselves and there are moments when they shine bright (or at least see glimmers). If you have a teen who is struggling with self-esteem (and didn’t we all as teens!) and you want to know how to support them, even if you’ve tried so many things already, check out the 7C’s:
Being part of something that helps build confidence gives teens a chance to practice, practice, practice. The more a teen can take risks in the sense of stretching themselves in their self-esteem and experiencing success (and some failure) the more progress they will make in the self-esteem department.
What does that look like? It could be being a part of a community group like cadets, girl guides, strong girls , or Glow groups. It could be participating in a boxing, martial arts, or soccer class. Find some things that your teen is interested in, even if it’s just a teeny bit at first, and give those opportunities a try.
care for parents
Don’t underestimate the need to care for yourself. It is hard to be a parent of a teen. You’ve got this! Make sure you have people and resources that empower you such as other parent-friends, on-line communities, parenting coaches, therapists, etc.
You don’t have to figure this all out on your own. There is something to be said about more heads are better than one. I have found over and over again that in conversations with other parents, I learn about resources and ideas that I may have never stumbled across in isolation.
Being part of something and feeling a sense of belonging is key to the human experience. It is particularly important to guide during childhood and into the teen years.
Volunteering and giving are incredible ways to build self-esteem and self-worth. Teens feel like they are part of something that makes a difference. It also grows their empathy, helps them gain some perspective on their own lives, learn new skills, and connect with others.
You can look for volunteering opportunities in your neighbourhood through your community center, through the school, through a local faith based community, or a local volunteer hub.
You can start here and here if you're in Alberta.
constant repetition of affirmations
What we sow grows. Paying attention and shining some light on the positive qualities can help the brain start to notice those more. Humans have this thing called negativity bias, which evolved as a survival part of the brain. It notices the "bad", the danger first over the “good” non-threatening stuff. This is great to keep us alive and protect us from danger... It’s not that great for our self-esteem.
A parent shared with me that they ask their teen to share 3 things they've done well that day and this strategy, although weird at first, has helped their teen's self-esteem soar.
As a parent you can aim to notice, say or even write down the good things you observe that happen each day. Invite your teen to practice this as well.
Help your teen figure out what kind of coping skills and strategies work for them. Some strategies may change over time, while others will stand the test of time.
Consider self-care practices like things that help them feel good (e.g. being in nature, spending time with friends, reading, cooking some yummy food, etc.) Consider coping strategies for difficult moments (e.g. shape breathing, 5 senses exercise, using humour, talking to someone, etc.)
I have a free Mental Health Book for teens available with several different coping techniques your teen can try out for themselves. I can email you a copy! Sign up on my website to receive your copy.
Finally, consider hobbies. What kinds of things does your teen do or can they try that might build new skills, be fun, and provide an opportunity to flip the switch from feeling down to feeling happy? (E.g. cooking, painting, photography, sport, drawing, etc.)
Taking inventory on lifestyle can be a great way to find things to take action on right away towards building self-esteem. Consider things like what sleep is looking like, stress, nutrition, down time and exercise.
It doesn't need to be an overhaul, but try targeting one of these areas together and making small, achievable changes that will make a real difference. I started adding more fruits and veggies to each meal instead of processed sugars and it significantly changed my moods. Try checking out some of these resources:
Being able to effectively communicate builds self-esteem and confidence. If your teen struggles to express themselves, whether that's to talk to new people, ask for help, advocate at school, or manage conflict with peers and family members, this is probably an indicator of self-esteem issues. Modeling communication skills can be a good place to start.
Child Mind Institute writes about communicating with your teen and shares some great tips like validating their feelings, showing trust, and tuning in to your own emotions as ways to have a healthy and trusting parent-teen relationship.
Another part of communication is supporting your teens to become more confident and more capable in their communication. Check out my blog on bullying that covers a piece on building assertiveness skills.
Empowering your teen to take action to building their self-esteem and confidence will pay off in dividends as they navigate the ups and downs of this time in their lives. In your supportive and loving way, you will benefit from that heartwarming feeling as you see their self-esteem improve.
If you want to talk more about supporting your teen with their self-esteem, reach out to me for your free 20 minute consultation call 403.812.1716
If you found this post helpful, pass it on by emailing a friend or sharing it on Twitter or Facebook - Thanks!
- Chantal Côté, R.Psych, Pyramid Psychology - helping older children, teens, and young adults learn how to build bulletproof mindsets.
Whether you are jumping up to junior high, have just moved to a new school, or are preparing to start the world of “adulting”, school transitions are no joke. They are the epitome of change and stretching yourself into a world of unknown.
When I was in grade 8, my dad got a job in a different city. Our family moved in the middle of the year. I still remember the feeling of walking into class on that first day at a new school, wearing my new floral bodysuit (yeah they were cool then) and feeling like I was going to throw up. My long time best friend says to me she remembers how pale I was that morning, “almost translucent”. That’s about how I felt. If I could have disappeared that day, I would have. The first few weeks were pretty rough and I spent a lot of time crying in the bathroom. But then things slowly got better. I started to make friends. I started to settle in. And those horrifying first few weeks didn’t feel as big and terrible anymore.
It wasn’t all bad. I made some amazing friends, laughed a lot, and found some things I was good at. Best of all, I got through this thing that was really tough for me and I survived and that helped build my confidence in knowing I could handle some tough things.
If you are in a transition year or you have just started at a new school, and your brain is freaking out, here are some strategies that will make things smoother. I’ve broken it down into 4 categories- Elementary to Junior High, Junior to Senior high (or High School), Grade 12 is almost over, and just moved to a new school.
elementary to junior high
This one can be a doozy. Not only are you typically going to a new school, but you also have to contend with class changes, combination locks, no more recess, and starting as the youngest in the pecking order of your new school.
On top of that, your body is rapidly hitting you with hormone and physical changes. So fun! ... Not really.
First off, the bad news. Research tells us that many students transitioning from elementary to junior high experience a drop in their self-esteem and grades as well as an increase in anxiety and school absences. You may have fears around bullying or getting lost as you get used to the school and how everything works. Then there’s how to make friends, fitting in, and how to get all your work done. It’s a lot of change. A LOT.
The good news. You are not alone and these are really normal responses. The even better news: there are things you can do to help this change feel easier.
1. Make a friend (the good kind). Find someone who likes some of the things you do or who is part of a club or group that you are also in. Maybe it’s someone who sits next to you in class and seems kind. Not sure how to make friends? Click here for some ideas! I like to start with asking questions about them and the things they like, smiling, or giving a sincere compliment to break the ice.
2. Join a group or club. At the time of writing this blog, this part may be tricky because a lot of programs are on hold. If your school has a club or a group that meets up at lunch and you are even remotely curious, join! What have you got to lose? You may learn that you really like something new and will probably make a friend or two. If there aren’t any clubs, consider starting one (e.g. drama club, mindfulness, craft, social change, just to name a few).
3. Size up the teachers and find some you can trust. I know there are some teachers out there that seem like they are out to make you suffer, but there are others that really care and want to know about you and your life. Find those that you click with and make a point to talk to them on a regular basis.
4. Practice using a lock ahead of time. Believe it or not, figuring how to open a combination lock is one of students' top fears when transitioning to junior high. Ask your parents to buy you a lock and start practicing. It will be one less thing for you to worry about on your first day of grade 7.
5. Visit your junior high before you start. Ask your parent(s) to set up an opportunity for you to visit the school and meet with staff. Your school may already be offering something like this.
6. Pick your options as soon as possible. You will likely have some option classes that will give you a chance to learn some new skills. As soon as you can, pick your favourite options to make it more likely that you will get those. Then you will have something to look forward to in those moments where everything is feeling a bit scary and awkward.
7. Watch some junior high movies (Warning, movies are not always an accurate picture of the junior high experience, so take everything with a grain of salt and maybe a couple laughs or tears). Here are a few examples:
a) Max Keeble’s Big Move
b) Akeelah and the Bee
c) Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life
d) Diary of a Wimpy Kid
e) 8th grade
8. Talk to your parents about school. Let them know what you like and don’t like. They were grade 7 students once upon a time (Parents, if you’re reading this, give your teen some time to complain about the things they aren’t loving and share about the things they are).
9. Have a hobby or after school thing. Again at the time of writing this, it may be a bit tricky to have these things going. Be a part of something you enjoy and have connections to others (e.g. sports, art, girl guides, etc.)
10. Get to know your school counsellor. Most junior highs have a school counsellor. They can be a great resource to check in with and help you solve problems. Think of them as a bit of a coach or a guide that is there for you when you need.
Here is an extra read if being forgetful of new things is something you're worried about.
junior high to high school
Things can get dicey here and in a way feel familiar (oh good ole grade 7 transition all over again, but not really!) High school brings new stressors and pressures to achieve school success, more academic demands trying to balance responsibilities like work and school, a lot more exposure to drugs, alcohol, sex, and dating, and starting to think about your future.
That’s a mouthful and it’s a complex web of social, psychological, and emotional experiences to navigate.
Parents, there are a couple articles you can read on this here and here.
Teens, pull out your road map because this journey requires a little bit of guidance along the way:
1. Brush up on your social skills. You will have tons of new experiences in high school and some repeat experiences. It is good to know how to say 'No', how to start a conversation, how to act at a party, and how to navigate relationships and sex issues. Check out this checklist (thank you www.learningforapurpose.com!) and see how comfortable you are in these 50 different social skills for teens.
2. Know your supports. Who are the adults in your life that you can talk to? Who are the people your age you can talk to? Where can you look for the answers to some of your questions? Having an idea of where to go for support can be super helpful.
3. Make a friend. Find someone who likes some of the things you do or who is part of a club, sports team or group that you are also in, or maybe someone who sits next to you in your biology class and seems kind. Not sure how to make friends? Check this out.
4. Class choices. Plan ahead, talk to your parent(s), teachers, and school counsellor before starting high school and map out your class choices. You may have a plan of what you want to do later on or have no clue. Plan to leave as many doors open as you can without causing unsurmountable stress.
5. Go to the high school beforehand. Oftentimes there will be tours or open house events at various high schools. Go to a few and compare your options. Get a feel for the school, the staff, and the programs they offer.
6. Get involved. Try out for the school sports team or join a club at school. This can help you connect with like-minded people and build your confidence.
7. Give yourself a pep talk yourself. It can be easy to get caught up in the “high school is hard” nightmare. Adults in your life may commiserate with you in “high school being the worst years of my life”. That isn’t always the case and it doesn’t need to be the case. You get to decide what to make of these years. Give yourself a pep talk and encourage yourself to make the most of this time and know that you’ve got this… One day at a time.
8. Connect with the school counsellor. The school counsellor can be a really helpful resource to talk about now problems, future problems, or just to check-in. They can be a wealth of knowledge so take advantage of their availability.
9. Master your study skills. Get really good at figuring out what works for you. Block specific times for studying. Have a usual space to do work. Find accountability and study buddies. There are many strategies, so start honing in on the ones that work best for you!
10. Get to know You. This time in your life is all about gaining independence from the nest (your family) and a process called individuation (who am I?) Take time to learn about yourself, what you like, don’t like, what kind of people you want to surround yourself with, your dreams and hopes, talents and skills, etc. Give yourself opportunities to try new things and take some risks (maybe not the dangerous might kill you kind) to help you better get to know yourself. Check out this article I wrote on all the reasons why being You, is the best thing to be!
high school is almost over
When high school is coming to a close it can mark a really significant period in a teen’s life. This is where adulting comes into play and some people say it is like stepping into the real world. Students nowadays have options like taking a gap year, going to post-secondary (college, university, trade school), or entering the workforce. There are a lot of options and it can sometimes feel overwhelming. The next 10 ideas are going to help you know what steps to take.
You may also want to check out “Race to Nowhere”, a documentary (2010) that was created to get our society to start critically thinking and challenging our current thoughts around how we teach our young generations to prepare for success.
1. Self-care. There are more responsibilities, loads of new experiences and more big decisions to make, so “filling your bucket” is important. Take social media breaks, get outdoors, spend time with the important people in your life, practice gratitude, and take regular breaks.
2. Advocacy. Be aware of your learning style, your strengths and needs when it comes to learning. Being able to advocate for yourself becomes more important as you increase your independence. As you prepare to advocate for yourself, run your script past a trusted adult or a friend first to help with the process.
3. Get all the freebies. Attend orientations and seminars whenever you can. It will give you an opportunity to see what it is like on various campuses you are considering. Scope out campus websites and maybe attend some free events on campus before you select your post-secondary institution to really get a feel for things.
4. Talk to adults about adulting. It can be helpful to ask questions and learn about what it’s like after high school from those that are living it. Caution - don’t let that hold you back from your own dreams and ideas about life after high school. Some ways of doing this are through job shadowing opportunities, volunteering, talking to the adults in your life, talking to a career counsellor, etc.
5. Have fun. This is a special time in life where there are so many opportunities. Embrace the independence and the experiences that can be fun and adventurous.
6. Grow. As you complete high and move towards the next step in your journey, there will be moments when you will find yourself thinking- “Oh I don’t know how to do that” or “I don’t know how to manage this." One thing Luki Danukarjanto writes in their blog to try is adding the word YET to some of these thoughts as a way of adding possibility and compassion to your mind as you grow into new experiences. E.g. Oh I don't know how to do that yet. I’m not sure how to manage this yet. Sounds different right?!
7. Time audit. This can be a great exercise to do as you go into any transition. Try grabbing some markers. Imagine that each represents 1 hour of your day. Give yourself 24 markers and break it down into the different things that you do. Having a visual and seeing how many hours you spend at school, with friends, doing your hobby, sleeping, etc. can be a real eye opener and guide to where you might want to make some changes.
8. Friend audit. The transition between high school and the next chapter can be a great opportunity to appreciate and deepen the important friendships in your life, to let go of some friendships that are not really supporting you, and to develop some new ones.
9. Contribute. Spend some time volunteering or helping out in some way in your community or at your post-secondary school. It feels good to contribute to a cause you care about it and feel like you’re a part of something bigger. It can also be a great place to meet new people and may open some doors for your future.
10. Gather your team. Figure out who is going to be a part of your support team- parents, counsellors, coaches, mentors, friends, etc.
just moved to a new school
When it comes to moving to a new school midyear, most of the strategies above can apply to help you. Take it one day at a time. Give yourself some encouragement, some yet statements (I haven’t made any friends yet), and some time to get settled. It will get better. And if it doesn’t, there are always choices and options.
Share this with someone you know who is about to make a school transition.
If you found this post helpful, pass it on by emailing a friend or sharing it on Twitter or Facebook - Thanks!
- Chantal Côté, R.Psych, Pyramid Psychology - helping older children, teens, and young adults learn how to build bulletproof mindsets.
I would flip through magazines and see examples of beauty in the form of flawless skin, silky hair, and long lean bodies. I had none of these and quickly internalized messages about my physical appearance.
"My eyes are too big"
"My hair is ugly"
"My face is ugly"
There were moments I looked in the mirror and saw glimpses of beauty but that was quickly replaced by judgemental self-talk and a harsh inner critic.
Being a teen is hard. Looking in the mirror can be like holding up a magnifying glass over each imperfection and thinking it is out there for the whole world to see.
Mamas if you want to help your teen see their unique beauty by boosting their confidence and self-love, here are some things to consider.
Explore the why
Your first instinct might be to rescue and say something like "if only you could see what I see" or "but you're beautiful!". While these are coming from a heart centered place, these comments may be met with rejection (you're lying) or dismissal (you need to say that!). Approach your teen's comments from a place of curiosity and empathy. Be curious about why your teen thinks she's ugly. What does she see? What doesn't she like? How is she seeing herself? Where did she get that idea of beauty? This will give you a pulse on some of her inner world which serves two fold:
1. An understanding of your daughter's experience
2. An opportunity to model empathy
The more you listen as a parent, the more you understand. Teens want to be understood and heard - I mean isn't that what we all want?
Empathy, as explained by Brene Brown is: "Connecting with a person so they know they're not alone, by connecting to the emotion they are experiencing."
As Brene highlights, you don't have to have experienced the same situation they are going through but I'll bet many of you (like me) have similar experiences.
The 4 pillars of empathy are:
1. Perspective taking
2. Staying out of judgment
3. Recognizing emotions
(You can learn more about the 4 pillars here.)
An empathetic response could sound something like "it's not easy to be a teen", "I remember feeling really critical of my body, still am sometimes, I'm sorry you're struggling right now", or "I wish I could do something to take away the pain, I'm here to talk if you need".
I was listening to my Teen Wisdom Fundamentals course (thanks Tami!) and there was a part on getting clearer with teens about their definition of things. This really stood out to me as something that I could start doing more of. For example, when a teen says they want to be happy, what is their definition of happy? I've heard things like "having lots of friends", "feeling good when I wake up", "having a boyfriend".
What is the definition of beautiful? What is your teen's definition of beautiful? One definition that I came across is "possessing qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to the senses such as what we see, feel, hear, think etc." What do you think of this? Where did you get messages and information about what beautiful meant?
The documentary Beauty CULTure (2012) covers some thought provoking ground when it comes to beauty in western society.
Does your teen spend hours on social media? If your teen is scrolling Instagram or other photo based social media, they are not alone. Research has shown there is a link between our interaction with social media and our negative view of our body. (You can read more here.) The more we do the scroll and compare, the worse our view of our body becomes.
Having role models around beauty is critical for teens. These can be celebrities that look like them, adults in their lives who model self-love and healthy interactions with their body, and peers who are confident and self-compassionate.
hold a critical lens
Societal and cultural norms are constantly feeding us messaging about beauty through channels such as social media. The message is often some form of "you are NOT enough". Not enough beauty, not enough money, not enough friends, not enough smarts etc. Your teen may not be fond of the fact that a bunch of adults with a lot of money are dictating how they feel about themselves.
This is where the critical lens comes in. You could look at any advertising message out there around beauty and do one of 3 things: accept it, reject it, or change it.
Invite your teen to stop the scroll (sometimes... let's real about this also). To pause when they are fed an image of beauty or a message of not good enough. To stop, pause, and ask themselves:
Do I accept this message?
Is this what I agree with?
Does this seem off to me?
Is this what I think describes me?
What I think describes other girls (boys, other identifying genders)?
How is this message generalizing/sexist/racist/prejudice?
Who else believes this?
What do I believe?
By using a critical lens and not just letting rich marketing companies dictate your beliefs around beauty, you can empower your teens and see real change.
3 things you can do to support your teen
Chantal Côté is a Registered Psychologist in the province of Alberta and the owner of Pyramid Psychology. Pyramid Psychology mission is to help teen girls build Bulletproof Mindsets. Youth are full of greatness and uniqueness and it is a gift to have them share this with the world. Pyramid Psychology supports teens (and parents) that are struggling with anxious and overwhelmed thoughts and feelings. Meeting in person in Southeast Calgary, on-line for those living anywhere in Alberta, and outdoors for walk and talk sessions, Chantal uses a trauma informed lens and invites people to try thought based, mindfulness, and expressive practices to manage and weather the storms of life.