FeelingsMindsetParentingSelf-Discovery
Her Emotions. My Emotions. Because sometimes parenting a teenage girl feels like living in a jungle.
One minute she’s laughing in the kitchen, telling you a story for approximately 147 minutes. The next, she’s slamming a door.
Then she wants a snack, but there’s nothing to eat in the house that she likes.
And then she’s in tears because no one understands her.
And somehow, you are the worst mother in the world.
Twenty minutes later, she needs a ride to Starbucks to meet her friends.
Welcome to parenting a teenage girl.
It’s a jungle out there.
Does it ever feel like her emotions sometimes become your emotions?
She’s anxious and suddenly you’re irritated.
She’s angry and you notice yourself getting really defensive.
She’s disappointed and you’re scrambling to fix it.
Of course you love her and care deeply about her well-being. It’s natural as a parent to want to protect your daughter from pain, rejection, and hurt. Making her feel better can put your mind at rest too.
So if you’ve ever thought- “Why am I so worked up about her friendship drama?” or “Why am I still thinking about the argument we had three hours later?”
You’re human.
And your daughter’s emotions will have an effect on you.
Her bad day is not your bad day.
Practicing how to care without being consumed is probably one of the biggest parenting milestones of having a teenager.
It’s not about becoming detached or dismissive. It’s more like learning how to stand beside her while the storm passes through knowing that you might get a little wet in the process.
This is a tough thing to hear and even tougher to practice.
Her disappointment is her emotional experience.
As is her anger, anxiety, frustration, and meltdowns.
And while your support and compassion as a parent are invaluable, you don’t have to join the meltdown.
You can be the calm in the storm.
You’re thinking, “Yeah, that sounds lovely in theory, Miss Psychologist. But what about in real life?”
In real life, that sometimes equals standing in the hallway thinking:
I am calm.
I am calm.
I am definitely NOT calm!
And this is where the practice comes in.
Because regulation isn’t something you magically access when your teenager is yelling, shutting down, and telling you how much she hates you. It’s a practice.
And it requires a personal-training approach:
Work the muscle before you actually need it.
Start noticing your own emotional weather.
A practice you can do throughout the day.
Ask yourself:
What am I noticing right now?
See if you can get to the physical sensations.
There’s a lump in my throat.
My chest is light.
My stomach feels empty.
My legs are sore.
Start putting words to the sensations in your body. Even if you begin with your brain which, especially in our society, can sometimes be the most accessible place to start:
My mind is racing.
My thoughts are scattered.
And before you interpret those sensations to mean anything (e.g.This means I’m anxious) just notice them.
When you start noticing your emotional weather- this is gold.
Your awareness of what is happening inside you gives you valuable information not only for right now, but for later down the road.
Start noticing your thoughts and behaviour patterns.
Again, start small.
When I have that lump in my throat, what kinds of thoughts are circulating through my mind? What words am I telling myself? What are my urges?
Do I want to push through? Scroll? Avoid? Ignore? Fix? Do something fun? Get busy?
Notice.
And notice that this practice has nothing to do with your daughter.
And yet it can have such a significant impact when it comes to her emotions.
Practice the pause.
Try S.T.O.P.
S – Stop.
Pause what you’re doing.
T – Take a breath.
One slow deep breath.
O- Observe.
Notice what’s happening internally and around you.
P- Proceed.
Proceed with awareness. Choose your next step rather than automatically reacting from the first emotion or urge that shows up.
Try practicing this or any version of it that requires you to stop, breathe, notice and choose.
And I do not recommend practicing this for the first time while your daughter is having an emotional meltdown.
Practice when the stakes are lower.
At a red light when you’re in a hurry.
When your boss says something stupid.
Or when your dog mistakes your brand-new pair of shoes for an exciting new chew toy.
These little moments are your training ground.
Because when the bigger moments come, you’ve already started building the muscle.
Your regulation becomes part of her experience.
Here’s the great thing.
When you practice staying grounded in the presence of her big emotions, you’re not only taking care of yourself.
You’re modeling something very important for her.
You’re showing her that big feelings don’t have to become big actions and that someone can be angry without becoming unsafe. You model that disappointment can be felt without immediately rushing to fix it and that relationships can hold difficult emotions without falling apart.
That’s a pretty powerful lesson to help her now and into adulthood, right?
There will definitely be moments when you take the bait. Her mood will get under your skin, and you’ll find yourself standing in the kitchen thinking:
“How did we get here?”
That’s life as a parent.
Actually, that’s life as a human parent.
You will miss the mark sometimes and react when you wish you had paused. And what’s almost guaranteed is that you’ll get another opportunity to practice.
Because if you take one thing from this article, let it be this:
It’s a practice of awareness, action and repair.
One choice that leads to another. You just have to keep practicing.
So keep in mind:
These are her feelings.
And it is possible to be with her without becoming part of the eye of the storm.
In a world that can already feel like a jungle for teenage girls, one of the most valuable things we can offer is a loving person who can say and truly believe:
I see you.
I can handle your feelings.
You can handle your feelings.
And there are brighter skies ahead.
…and more storms but you’ll weather them.
Because that’s life.
And honestly, It’s a pretty cool place to grow from.
Let’s Keep Walking Together
If this message resonated with you, you’re already part of the community.
I appreciate you being here.
I’d love to invite you into our Raising Resilient Teen Girls community a caring online space where we share a couple thoughtful notes each week with resources, tools, and real-life encouragement for raising (and being) resilient teen girls.
And as a little gift for joining us, I’d love to give you The Wise Gardener.Whether you’re a therapist, parent, educator, coach, or simply someone looking for a meaningful reflection tool, The Wise Gardeneroffers a visual way to cultivate resilience, self-awareness, and intentional growth.
Join our community and receive your free copy of Wise Gardener.
Let’s walk this path together with presence, courage, compassion, and a little more ease.
With gratitude,
Chantal
