12 Dec

Understanding Your Spotlight (for Teen Girls)

December 15, 2022
By admin

Understanding Your Spotlight (for Teen Girls)

When we talk about stepping into your spotlight, it can be hard to know what the ‘spotlight’ is. How will you know when you have found your spotlight? Will you feel completely happy and that things are finally “perfect” when you have found it?

>>>FREE DOWNLOAD: Mental Health Handbook for Teen Girls <<<

An eBook with 10 mental health exercises every teen girl needs to know to improve focus, boost happy hormones, cope with tricky feelings, and develop self-compassion.

I Want the Handbook!

Photo by Scott Webb on Unsplash

You may disagree with me, but I tend to define “stepping into your spotlight” as a dynamic process instead of a specific goal. Your spotlight may change over time and being in your spotlight may never feel 100% happy and fuzzy – it may feel challenging, scary, but at the core it is life-giving and meaningful. Stepping into your spotlight can be making progress towards a dream career, but it can also be all those little choices you make along the way, whether an end goal is in sight or not.

Thinking about my own teen years, I was never one of those people who knew from a young age what I wanted to be when I grew up. Now that I am a little bit older, and hopefully a little wiser, I think that question can be a bit confusing. Instead of thinking about “what” I want to be, I think about “who” I want to be.

Who I want to be applies to right now, in this moment, in addition to my future hopes and dreams. I think about how I can step into my spotlight, or be my most authentic self while pursuing my goals and living according to my values, within my current reality.

>>>FREE DOWNLOAD: Mental Health Handbook for Teen Girls <<<

An eBook with 10 mental health exercises every teen girl needs to know to improve focus, boost happy hormones, cope with tricky feelings, and develop self-compassion.

I Want the Handbook!

When I was considering what I wanted to be, my thoughts went into endless comparisons. It was impossible to make a “perfect” choice with so many hypotheticals and unknowns. My mind went back and forth between looking for the perfect end goal and determining that the grass is always greener on the other side. I have

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

since left this mindset behind, and have spent more time acknowledging that “the grass is greenest where you water it” (Neil Barringham).

If you already have a spotlight in mind, that is amazing! GO FOR IT!!

But if you’re like me, and you are less sure on what your spotlight looks like, know that you can find it along the way. You can read a little more about my process after high school graduation here: ‘Planning For The Future After High School Graduation’.

I am also available for 1:1 support to sort through the muck of figuring out what and who you want to be. Book your free consultation here.*

Love,

Jessa Tiemstra

Provisional Psychologist servicing teen girls and young adults.

*1:1 services available for teen girls living in Alberta, Canada

Jessa is a provisional psychologist living and servicing teens and young adults in Calgary, Alberta.

Jessa is passionate about helping people become the best version of themselves and is continually learning how to best support her clients. She has experience with acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) and cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), but most importantly she emphasizes the therapeutic relationship.

A safe, authentic relationship is key for therapy to work. Jessa prioritizes compassion and nonjudgmental curiosity. Together, she can find out what matters most to you and how to get there.

If you think Jessa may be a good match for you, please feel free to reach out and set up a free consult or book a session. She is looking forward to hearing from you!

Once a month, she writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents, teens and young adults she connects with. If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

05 Dec

For Teens, Friendships, Relationships

5 Teen Truths

December 6, 2022
By admin

5 Teen Truths

I have a confession to make!

The other day I was volunteering to build boxes for a local charity that serves those who experience food scarcity. I got paired up with a lovely teen human. The job was pretty straightforward. Fold the box. Tape the box. Label the box. So after building a couple, you kind of get the hang of it.

This meant we had lots of time to talk. The more I listened to my table buddy, hearing about all the things they were interested in and knew about, the more my heart felt full. Then a couple days later, one of my teen client’s was telling me about their passion. She proudly shared some of her art with me. That same full heart feeling

appeared. Once again today as a parent told me how

Photo by Mike Von on Unsplash

their teen faced their fear in doing something they had been procrastinating on for a long time, the centre of my chest lit up like a Christmas Tree.

I’m starting to sense a pattern.

>>> FREE ONLINE COMMUNITY FOR TEEN GIRLS: The Wellness hub <<<

A private online community for teen girls only, with access to wellness resources such as audio clips & blogs:

Wellness Hub Waiting List

My Confession:

I’m a HUGE admirer of teens. I think of the curiosity, creativity, and sense of rebellion (in a let’s do it differently than the generations before us kind of energy) all bundled into one amazing vessel of potential. And, after talking to hundreds of teen girls, each is incredibly unique. Each one of you has a story to tell, experiences that have shaped you, opinions about the world, things you care about, unique taste in music, sense of fashion, relationships, etc.

I see you. I hear you. I am Inspired.

If you:

Doubt what you have to say matters. You’re not alone
Think that adults won’t pay attention or understand. You’re probably a little bit right
Hesitate because you think others will be disappointed. It’s normal (still don’t let it stop you)
Believe you don’t measure up to how perfect others appear to be. Let that go right now!
Don’t think you have any great qualities or strengths. Think again Think again

Photo by Ernest Brillo on Unsplash

>>> FREE ONLINE COMMUNITY FOR TEEN GIRLS: The Wellness hub <<<

A private online community for teen girls only, with access to wellness resources such as audio clips & blogs:

Wellness Hub Waiting List

There are many people like me, dedicated and equally curious about who you are and who can’t wait to see how you will shape the world around you by virtue of being you. Have those people in your court! Get your name down for our soon to be online wellness hub community HERE.

Over the next couple months, we at Pyramid Psychology are focusing on all things connected to what makes you unique. Uncovering your strengths, values, skills and stepping into your spotlight. And knowing there’s a group of caring, sincere, adults that are cheering you on every step of the way.

Can’t wait to meet you!

Love,

Chantal

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

14 Nov

For Teens, Friendships, Relationships

3 Tips to Model Teen Confidence for Your Daughter

November 14, 2022
By admin

3 Tips to Model Teen Confidence for Your Daughter

If you have an adolescent girl in your life who is struggling with teen confidence, this short-and-sweet blog is for you.

>>> FREE DOWNLOAD: Depression & Anxiety Toolkit for Parents Raising Teen Girls <<<

10 tools you can immediately use to improve your female identifying teens’ mental health & build resistance against depression & anxiety:

Anxiety & Depression Toolkit for Parents Raising Teen Girls

Photo by Laura Chouette on Unsplash

When it comes to teen confidence, this idea is SO important, especially for teen girls. It can be easy to encourage our loved ones to see their strengths and to be more confident, while in the same breath, thinking or speaking negatively about ourselves. At times, there can be something a little wonky about how we treat ourselves in comparison to the ones we hold dear in this life.

If we are being honest, this can send some mixed messages to teens. This may be all the more true for teenagers, as I often hear parents say something along the lines of “I just wish ‘Suzy’ could see herself how I see her!”. In a nutshell, we can be skilled at genuinely caring about others while picking out our own “shortcomings”. The teenage years are a time of identity and growth and having self-confidence can be especially challenging when you are still figuring out who you are!

When teens receive messages that they should believe they are beautiful, competent, and that effort matters more than outcome … but then see you pointing out your own physical “flaws” or getting down on yourself for making a mistake (or simply just being human) … how does a teen make sense of that? It can be confusing and challenging, and messages from society can make it even harder.

There is no easy fix or one-and-done solution to such a dynamic and complex topic, but I will share 3 tips with you below.

>>> FREE DOWNLOAD: Depression & Anxiety Toolkit for Parents Raising Teen Girls <<<

10 tools you can immediately use to improve your female identifying teens’ mental health & build resistance against depression & anxiety:

Anxiety & Depression Toolkit for Parents Raising Teen Girls

Modelling Teen Confidence Tip #1: Think about what confidence looks like

Photo from Canva Pro

We all receive messages about how confidence may look, but what is confidence really?

Going back to my teen years, I think I may have confused confidence with popularity.

I think I may have confused confidence with extraversion.

I certainly confused confidence with an appearance of not caring what others thought. Who knows what was happening beneath the surface?

I no longer see it that way.

Instead, I tend to see confidence as a dynamic way of being that is multi-layered and multi-faceted. Sometimes confidence is quiet, sometimes it is loud. To me, confidence is a willingness to learn, to grow, and to be wrong. Confidence is standing up for what is right even when it may be hard. It is knowing that your value goes deeper than whatever label may be tossed your way.

Modelling Teen Confidence Tip #2: Be the type of person you hope your daughter becomes

Internet rules for teens are a hot topic amongst parents, particularly as friendships are increasingly going or starting online for teens.

Parents bring up concerns about safety, appropriate messages, and cyberbullying.

Teens, in response, talk about how important the online platforms are for them to stay in contact with their friends or how “uncool” they would be to not be active on certain platforms.

Modelling Teen Confidence Tip #3: Have an honest talk

Photo from Canva Pro

Societal messages are not always kind or helpful, and there are a whole lot of messages out there about who we should or should not be. As a woman, I can certainly say that I have received many subtle and not-so-subtle messages about my worth being linked to my physical appearance.

For some parents, it can be helpful to have an honest talk with their teen that having self-confidence and positive self-talk can genuinely be challenging. Creating some sort of “agreement” to encourage each other and gently challenge unhelpful and untrue thoughts can bring awareness, transparency, and mutual support. This isn’t meant to be a formal contract, but rather, an acknowledgement that having self-confidence is not a challenge that occurs only in the teen years. You can use the 7 qualities teens need for an unbreakable mindset as a starting point, in my colleagues blog article HERE.

This is a complex topic that I have barely scratched the surface of, but I hope these tips give you something to think about. If you have some thoughts, I would love to hear them! You can email our team with questions at info@pyramidpsychology.com.

Or, you can BOOK YOUR FREE CONSULTATION with me to create a personalized plan for you, and set up ongoing support for your daughter.

Love,

Jessa Tiemstra

Provisional Psychologist servicing teen girls and young adults.

Jessa is a provisional psychologist living and servicing teens and young adults in Calgary, Alberta.

Jessa is passionate about helping people become the best version of themselves and is continually learning how to best support her clients. She has experience with acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) and cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), but most importantly she emphasizes the therapeutic relationship.

A safe, authentic relationship is key for therapy to work. Jessa prioritizes compassion and nonjudgmental curiosity. Together, she can find out what matters most to you and how to get there.

If you think Jessa may be a good match for you, please feel free to reach out and set up a free consult or book a session. She is looking forward to hearing from you!

Once a month, she writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents, teens and young adults she connects with. If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

07 Nov

For Teens, Friendships, Relationships

7 Qualities to Create An Unbreakable Teen Mindset

November 7, 2022
By admin

7 Qualities to Create An Unbreakable Teen Mindset

As a teen life coach, I almost always hear from parents of teen girls how they want their daughters to have the tools to be happy. You want your teens to be able to handle challenging experiences and be OK now and as they grow into adulthood. Creating an unbreakable teen mindset from within is the best tool you have to guide your daughter to happiness.

>>> FREE DOWNLOAD: Depression & Anxiety Toolkit for Parents Raising Teen Girls <<<

10 tools you can immediately use to improve your female identifying teens’ mental health & build resistance against depression & anxiety:

Anxiety & Depression Toolkit for Parents Raising Teen Girls

Photo by Joel Muniz on Unsplash

Do you ever worry that stress, overwhelm, or just life in general are too much for your daughter some days?

I’ve noticed the teens who work with our team who see the biggest difference in their lives; the ones who tell us they are happier and healthier, are the ones who have been able to master what we call an Unbreakable Teen Mindset. One of the three essential pillars that we teach teens is how to use their mind, thoughts, and attitudes to help them live their best lives.

If your teen daughter is struggling to find happiness because of stress, anxiety, and overwhelm, let me tell you what building an Unbreakable Teen Mindset is and what it can do for her.

An Unbreakable Mindset is not about getting right all the time. It is not about perfection (is there such a thing?!). It is not about always being happy.

An Unbreakable Teen Mindset is about building up the following qualities:

Confidence in trying and doing things even if it may not work out the way you hoped.
Photo from Canva Pro
Flexibility in knowing there isn’t only one way.
Growth in seeing where you were, where you are, and where you are heading.
Perspective in being able to take a step back and consider things in different ways.
Grit in preserving when the going gets tough.
Insight in always learning more about yourself, your relationships, and the world.
The power to pivot when something or some way of thinking is just not working.

Photo from Canva Pro

By building up each of these qualities (and no it doesn’t all have to happen at once), your daughter is growing an Unbreakable Teen Mindset; A way of thinking that will help her not only survive the ups and downs of being a teen, but to live a happier and healthier life that goes well beyond her teenage years.

Join our community of adolescent girl identifying teens (age 11-21) to learn more about how to help your teen gain the tools to be unbreakable by downloading our free Anxiety and Depression Toolkit for Parents Raising Teen Girls here:

>>> FREE DOWNLOAD: Depression & Anxiety Toolkit for Parents Raising Teen Girls <<<

10 tools you can immediately use to improve your female identifying teens’ mental health & build resistance against depression & anxiety:

Anxiety & Depression Toolkit for Parents Raising Teen Girls

Love,

Chantal

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

11 Oct

For Teens, Friendships, Relationships

4 Tips To Setting Internet Rules for Teens

October 11, 2022
By admin

Internet rules for teens are a hot topic amongst parents, particularly as friendships are increasingly going or starting online for teens.

Parents bring up concerns about safety, appropriate messages, and cyberbullying.

Teens, in response, talk about how important the online platforms are for them to stay in contact with their friends or how “uncool” they would be to not be active on certain platforms.

>>> FREE DOWNLOAD: Depression & Anxiety Toolkit for Parents Raising Teen Girls <<<

10 tools you can immediately use to improve your female identifying teens’ mental health & build resistance against depression & anxiety:

Anxiety & Depression Toolkit for Parents Raising Teen Girls

From my perspective, both parents & teens have some valid points in the discussion around internet rules. In bridging these two seemingly opposite perspectives, I often make use of the following tips in my work with parents:

4 Tips To Setting Internet Rules for Teens

Photo From Canva Pro

Internet Rules for Teens Tip #1: Try to involve your teen as much as possible in the decision-making process.

Your teen is significantly more likely to agree and stick to online guidelines if they have had a say in the matter. This doesn’t mean that the teen gets what they want, in fact, a sign of a good compromise is that neither party is 100% happy. Instead, have a curious conversation about why online friendships are important to your teen and take a moment to genuinely listen to their perspective. It may even be helpful to think back to your own teenage years, when friends, peers, and “fitting in” were all important topics.

Once your teen feels more understood, there is a chance to explain your perspective, whether it be concerns about screen time, privacy, online safety, secrecy, or cyberbullying. Depending on the age of your teen, your family values, and how your teen is doing in other areas such as school, the guidelines can vary from family to family. Here are a few topics that are important to explore:

screen time
privacy settings
the different platforms
appropriate messages and content
what information to share with who
peer pressure
what to do if an unsafe conversation happens

Pro tip: helping teens understand the why of the guidelines is an essential element of explaining your perspective.

Internet Rules for Teens Tip #2: Understand that an outright ban is likely to have negative consequences

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

While it can be tempting to ban social media, online friendships, or using certain platforms, taking an all-or-nothing approach is likely to backfire.

Having a strict ban on social media or online friendships tends to result in teen secrecy and reduces healthy and open parent-teen communication. This open communication is especially important in the event of

harmful online interactions.

And teens are smart! I have worked with teens who have hidden apps on their phone’s home screen, have multiple profiles, or even used a second phone.

Similarly, having no restrictions or regulations whatsoever can also be harmful, as your teen may not be mature enough to process the content, set healthy limits, manage their time or responsibilities, or realize how social media may be affecting them. Your level of involvement really depends on your family rules in general, and your teen specifically. For some, you may need to be more involved in setting guidelines and monitoring (at least for a time).

When deciding how involved to be in your teen’s online world, be mindful of the desire for privacy and confidentiality in conversations between friends. It might be helpful to check in on your own why and ask yourself if you are monitoring the conversations due to a legitimate safety concern, or if you are using it as a back door to understand your teen.

Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash

Internet Rules for Teens Tip #3: Talk about online safety

Online safety is so important and encompasses many areas. Privacy settings and revealing personal information are one area to address, as default settings are rarely restricted in terms of who can access or see the information. What appropriate content is, whether in terms of messages, photos, or videos, is an important discussion to have with your teen.

Invariably, teens will be exposed to harmful comments, cyberbullying, peer pressure to engage in risky behaviours, and more. In my mind, the question is more of a “when” than an “if”, and when exposure like this does happen, hopefully, your teen feels comfortable enough to approach you with their concerns.

As a parent, this requires you to stay reasonably calm, thank your teen for their openness, and make sure any consequences are reasonable and appropriate.

An unfortunate reaction I have seen is when teens I work with disclose a harmful online interaction with their parents, and their parents react with extreme emotion. Sometimes, parents have taken their teen’s phone away. Oftentimes, this results in the teen learning that their phone will be taken away if they share with their parents. Meaning they don’t share in the future.

Internet Rules for Teens Tip #4: Online friendships are a valid source of connection

Although online friendships look a little different than the brick-and-mortar variety, they can still provide the benefits that in-person friendships do. Many teens develop meaningful connections over the internet and describe some of these friendships as offering support, providing meaning, helping with stress, and in some cases being their best friends.

You can help your teen determine how good their friendships are (both online or in-person) with my colleagues blog article: Teen Friendships: 7 Questions to Decide if They Are Good Ones.

For teens that may be struggling to find meaningful connections in places like school, online friendships can meet that fundamental human need for belonging and connection.

>>> FREE DOWNLOAD: Depression & Anxiety Toolkit for Parents Raising Teen Girls <<<

10 tools you can immediately use to improve your female identifying teens’ mental health & build resistance against depression & anxiety:

Anxiety & Depression Toolkit for Parents Raising Teen Girls

Photo by Windows on Unsplash

The bottom line to the complex and challenging topic of internet rules for teens, is that keeping a safe line of communication open between you and your teen is ultimately one of the best ways to support them in navigating online friendships.

The internet is here to stay and developing healthy ways of interacting online is a valuable skill.

Be willing to invite your teen’s perspective on setting healthy guidelines for online friendships and open to sharing your own. As much as possible, view the conversations from an “us versus the challenge” mindset, instead of a more divisive “you versus me”.

If your female identifying teen could use support with online friendships (or friendships in generally), safety on the internet, or developing social skills, I offer 1:1 therapy for Alberta residents. You can book a free consultation with me HERE.

BOOK YOUR FREE CONSULTATION

Love,

Jessa Tiemstra

Provisional Psychologist servicing female identifying teens and young adults.

Jessa is a provisional psychologist living and servicing teens and young adults in Calgary, Alberta.

Jessa is passionate about helping people become the best version of themselves and is continually learning how to best support her clients. She has experience with acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) and cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), but most importantly she emphasizes the therapeutic relationship.

A safe, authentic relationship is key for therapy to work. Jessa prioritizes compassion and nonjudgmental curiosity. Together, she can find out what matters most to you and how to get there.

If you think Jessa may be a good match for you, please feel free to reach out and set up a free consult or book a session. She is looking forward to hearing from you!

Once a month, she writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents, teens and young adults she connects with. If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

03 Oct

For Teens, Friendships, Relationships

8 Reasons Your Teen Daughter Needs A Mentor

October 3, 2022
By admin

8 Reasons Your Teen Daughter Needs A Mentor

Photo by Kevin Laminto on Unsplash

Having a teen mentor is crucial for teen girls. I will share 8 reasons why shortly.

But first, dear most amazing parents of teen girls, I am going to ask you a really important question:

When you think back to your teen years, who are the people that had the strongest positive impact on your life?

You might be thinking about that teacher who wouldn’t give up on you, your older cousin who understood everything you were going through, the no-nonsense coach who pushed you to do better, or your best friend’s mom who always showed you the utmost kindness.

Maybe you didn’t have a person directly in your life, so you looked to those you didn’t know personally; an author, actor, philosopher, artist, musician, athlete…..

One of those people for me was my Uncle. There was nothing particularly exceptional about what he did, it was more of a feeling. When I was around him, I felt seen. I felt important. I felt loved. Thinking of him now puts a massive smile on my face. I remember his qualities of kindness, warmth, and adventure. And, what a sense of humour! His wit was worth admiring in my books.

Even though he died when I was in my teens, I still see him as one of my best mentors.

Photo by Christina @ wocintechchat.com on Unsplash

How did the person you thought of make a positive difference in your life? Do you remember what they said or did for you that made an impact? Is it more of a memory on how their being in your life made you feel?

When I look back at the impact my Uncle had and still has on my life, I realize just how exceptional it was. I strive to live out the qualities he modeled. The relationships we have in our teenage years have the potential to change the course of our lives.

Reggie Nelson and Jessica Hurley are two wonderful anecdotes of how powerful mentors can be for teens.

So one more question for you….. Who is your daughter’s teen mentor?

8 Reasons Your Teen Daughter Needs A Mentor:

Helps your teen daughter believe in herself and the possibilities for her life
Gives your daughter a person to go to for advice and guidance
Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash
Creates hope (when your daughter doesn’t feel alone)
Builds long term trusted friendships to help your teen daughter through the ups and downs
Supports your daughter to develop her identity
Opens doors to new ways of thinking (and new opportunities) for your daughter
Provides a way for your teen daughter to practice social + conversational skills, and build conflict resolution skills
Provides your teen daughter with a model for qualities and characteristics

So, I ask again. Who is your daughter’s mentor? Someone who is a champion of her life – cheerleading and rooting for her no matter what. Somebody she sees as a trusted guide, who is consistent. Someone who sees her.

If you didn’t immediately know the answer, I encourage you to talk to your daughter. Ask her who she looks up to, admires, or reaches out to for help. Ask her if she needs more support; someone in her corner.

Photo by Frank Leuderalbert on Unsplash

It’s really important to take ego out of the equation, and recognize that teen girls often need support outside of their immediate family (goodness knows I wanted someone other than my parents as a teen, haha)!

At Unbreakable Teen Me, we offer a safe space for your daughter to have a teen mentor. A woman she can look up to, go to for advice, and build her skills with. You can get to know any of our team members HERE (simply scroll to the bottom of the page).

When your daughter has chosen a potential teen mentor (therapist) she resonates with most, you can book a completely free consultation (Alberta, Canada residents) to ensure it’s a good fit. You can book your consultation with any of our team members here:

Find Your Daughter's Mentor Today

Love,
Chantal

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

12 Sep

For Teens, Friendships, Relationships

Being Popular At School: 3 Questions for Teen Girls

September 12, 2022
By admin

Being Popular At School: 3 Questions for Teen Girls

Photo by Eliott Reyna on Unsplash

Being popular at school, having anxiety about friendships, and uncertainty about the school year are topics that keep coming up with the teen girls I work with. It brings to mind a quote that has been churning in my mind recently. A quote you have likely heard!

““Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind”.

Although some sources credit the saying to Dr. Seuss, there is a disagreement over whom the original author was, with some believing it was actually Bernard Baruch. Regardless of the original authorship, I find the quote to be insightful and relevant to the teen girls I have the honour of working with (and pretty relevant to anyone, really!).

I know friendships and popularity at school are on the minds of teen girls because questions such as “will I be with my friends?”, “what if no one likes me?”, and “what if I am not popular at school, or what if I am never popular?” are common in the therapy room. These questions shine a light on the underlying human condition to socialise and feel accepted, which, while more acute in the teenage years, is not just a “teenage thing”. I have yet to meet a person who did not long for at least some human connection, to be seen and heard, or to be liked, and similarly, who did not have a fear or at least dislike of rejection.

The relative strength of these factors vary, but in one form or another, are ubiquitous in us humans. Humans are social beings, so it makes a lot of sense why back-to-school fears about friendships and fitting in are so common.

But…just because it’s common, doesn’t mean it’s easy.

Note: If anxiety around friendships is common for you, here is a free Anxiety Toolkit that includes 10 exercises and various free videos to help you master it:

Anxiety Toolkit

Being Popular At School: 3 Questions For Teen Girls

For teens that are worried about being popular at school, have anxiety about friendships, or a fear of not being liked, I often ask them a series of questions:

Being Popular At School Question #1: Let’s imagine for a minute that everyone liked you, what kind of world would that be?

Most teen girls that I talk to conclude that a world like that “would be terrible”. In terms of reasons why, they say that in such a world, a person would always be changing to meet the interests of others and not be true to themselves, or they would have no boundaries or may not be standing up for what they know to be right.

Being Popular At School Question #2: Is there anything more important than being liked?

When given a chance to think about this question, many of the teen girls I work with have identified a number of things more important than being liked.

From the teen girls themselves, here are some of the reasons they commonly share are more important than being liked:

Being true to oneself
Standing up for what is right
Standing up for friends or family
Having healthy relationships
Being kind

Being Popular At School Question #3: Is it more important for other people to like us, or for us to like (or at least respect) ourselves?

This question is best asked last, because after exploring the previous questions, most teen girls tell me it is more important to be true to who they are and to like themselves rather than have the approval of others.

Usually, at this point in the conversation, the issue of being liked or not doesn’t feel as huge or scary of a problem as at the start.

Are some of those feelings and questions still there? Of course! But the question of being liked or popular becomes less of an identity-defining, terrifying issue.

Our team has also developed 7 questions you can ask yourself to ensure the friendships you have are good ones. You can access them in our blog article here:

Teen Friendships: 7 Questions to Decide If They Are Good Ones

This brings us back to the quote: “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind”… It’s not that those people who mind “don’t matter”, but that they shouldn’t have the power or influence to dictate who you are or change your sense of worth or morality.

Do you love learning and are super into school? Awesome!

Or do you find joy in video games, anime, or make-up? Amazing!

Or maybe your spark is in sports, music, art, or volunteering? Astounding!

You befriend the new kid at school even though they dress “uncool”? Awe-inspiring.

The reality is that everyone is different, and not everyone is going to click or jive together. And that’s okay. Perhaps instead of trying to be liked, you can find the things that are more important to you and take steps towards those hopes. Hope for you may be respecting and appreciating diversity, both for others and for ourselves. Or, it could be growing in greater self-respect and self-love.

The key to ask yourself is this:

What is so important to you that it doesn’t matter if others mind?

You can access support through our free Anxiety Toolkit (for anyone), or 1:1 sessions with me (Alberta residents only).

1:1 sessions with me include a complimentary 20-minute consultation to ensure we are a good fit. If you have benefits, they are also eligible for reimbursements.

You can book your free consultation here:

Book Your Free Consultation

Love,

Jessa Tiemstra

Provisional Psychologist servicing teen girls and young adults.

Jessa is a provisional psychologist living and servicing teens and young adults in Calgary, Alberta.

Jessa is passionate about helping people become the best version of themselves and is continually learning how to best support her clients. She has experience with acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) and cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), but most importantly she emphasizes the therapeutic relationship.

A safe, authentic relationship is key for therapy to work. Jessa prioritizes compassion and nonjudgmental curiosity. Together, she can find out what matters most to you and how to get there.

If you think Jessa may be a good match for you, please feel free to reach out and set up a free consult or book a session. She is looking forward to hearing from you!

Once a month, she writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents, teens and young adults she connects with. If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

06 Sep

For Teens, Friendships, Relationships

Teen Friendships: 7 Questions to Decide If They Are Good Ones

September 6, 2022
By admin

Teen Friendships: 7 Questions to Decide If They Are Good Ones

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

How is back-to-school going, and the teen friendships that come with it?

There are a plethora of things to think about: What are your teachers going to be like? Are you in the same classes as your friends? Did you get the elective you wanted? Will you be able to stay motivated and keep your grades up this year? What are you going to wear on the first day? and… Will that giant stress pimple that decided to show up two days ago disappear from your forehead before the first day?!

That’s a lot to think about. I hope you’re managing ok. As a teen girl, I had mixed feelings about the start of school each year. I was always looking forward to hanging out with my friends, couldn’t wait to get a few new pieces of clothing, and I had a bit of a thing for nice stationary. In fact, a lot of a thing- I even got a job at Staples because of it! I also felt kind of stressed. All this stuff can pile up in your brain, but there’s one that can really make or break a school year and that is TEEN FRIENDSHIPS.

Would you agree?

I mean I’m not saying teen friendships are the only thing to worry about of course. And I’m not saying you should measure your happiness based on your friendships this school year. Let’s be honest, friends are human…. So they can be fickle, moody, change their tastes, change their minds, and well um…. Change just in general.

Motivational speaker Jim Rohn says “You’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with” and someone else once said “show me your friends and I’ll show you your future”. Although you aren’t totally defined and influenced by only 5 people in your life, there is some truth to these statements.

Think about friends who start to kind of dress alike. Best friends who like the same music, watch some of the same shows, laugh at the same kind of humour, back up the same social movements. It’s great to have people who get you. Teen friendships that have your back.

7 Questions to Ask About Teen Friendships

I want to share with you 7 questions that you can ask yourself as a bit of a litmus test to help you see if your current friendships are solid.

(Note: These questions were Inspired by a fun quiz on Kids Help Phone).

Teen Friendships Question #1: Can I be myself?

Photo by Melissa Askew on Unsplash

If you can speak openly and honestly and really feel like you are being You around your friend(s) – this is a good sign. If you need to change or filter out a lot of what you’d like to say, you are probably not able to be your real self around this person. This is a red flag.

Teen Friendships Question #2: Do we listen to what each other has to say?

Listening includes not interrupting, hearing what matters to each person, leaving the judgy comments out so you actually feel like it’s ok to share things that are important to you. It’s not a 50/50 split most of the time, but if you feel like you are not being heard and that what you have to say doesn’t matter, pay attention to this.

Teen Friendships Question #3: Do I feel appreciated? Do I appreciate them?

Are there things about your friend that you really like? If you find yourself cheering them on to succeed in things and they are doing the same for you, that sounds like a solid friendship. On the other hand, if you spend a lot of time feeling jealous and resentful for things going their way or if it’s the other way around- caution- this may not be the best friendship for you

Teen Friendships Question #4: Do we fight fair?

Friends don’t always get along. That’s the nature of relationships. When you are disagreeing or in a conflict with your friend, do you take some time to think it

Photo by Jarritos Mexican Soda on Unsplash

through? Do you talk it out? Do you cool off and speak up for yourself and allow your friend to do the same? If so, these are the conflict resolution skills of a good friendship. Do you say hurtful things to their face or behind their back? Do you spread rumours? Attack them on social media? Not the best friendship patterns emerging here.

Teen Friendships Question #5: Can I be honest and trusting?

It’s ok to not like the same things or see eye to eye on everything. If you can share a different perspective and trust that your friend will still be a friend, this is good news. If you tread lightly because you fear being the centre of gossip or outcasted from the group or have become a Yes person to appease, it might be time to rethink this friendship.

Teen Friendships Question #6: Are we there for each other?

You don’t have to share all your secrets with your friend(s), but it is important to have someone who wants to help and be there for you when you’re having a tough time. Likewise, if you want to help and be there for them, even if you don’t always know how and what to say- this is definitely good friendship territory. If your friend seems annoyed any time you bring something up that has a smidge of problem to it or you find yourself not caring that much what happens to them when they’re struggling- this might be get-out-of-the-friendship territory. Here’s another thing to consider- if your friendship is one-sided, where you (or the other person)

Photo by Omar Lopez on Unsplash

feels like they’re putting in way more effort than the other one, that’s not usually the best situation for a solid friendship.

Teen Friendships Question #7: Do we have fun together?

Yes, because it is about Karaoking badly and inventing song lyrics about your classmates and putting food on each other’s faces for a game of guess what your “beauty mask” is made of….. Or not….maybe that was just me. It is about having fun. If this is a resounding YES. Keep having fun with this friend. If it is all drama all the time or just a one show pony of sadness, arguing, boredom, etc. It may be time to let this one go.

How did the litmus test go? Are your friends keepers?? You can also use this as a way of vetting new friends as you get to know them. Having great friendships, even if they don’t last forever, or become your ultimate best friend, makes a world of difference in having a great life and funny stories to tell.

Until next time.

Love,
Chantal

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

29 Aug

Anxiety, Emotions, For Parents

How to Combat Anxiety – Part 4 of 4 Miniseries – Practical Ideas to Settle and Soothe- Visualization and Imagery

September 10, 2022
By admin

How can we use imagery and visualization to settle and soothe our minds and bodies from anxious, fearful, and negative thoughts?

Let’s continue the conversation on how to let our body and mind know, “thanks for keeping me on alert but I’m ok right now and I’ve got this”.

I wanted to be outdoors when recording, although I did sacrifice sound and video quality to some degree, I decided to go with it. Being outdoors is definitely my happy place and whenever I use guided imagery or visualization, some elements of nature always make their way in. Visualizing nature might also work for you or you might have some other things that really connect when it comes to using your imagination as a resource.

whenever I use guided imagery or visualization, some elements of nature always make their way in.

Photo by Canva

What is visualization and imagery?
Imagery or visualization involves using your imagination to help put your body and mind in a different state. In most cases, it is used to help create a more relaxed state but it can also help with things like focus and performance.

Imagining has the power to change brain activity

Photo by Canva

Our brains are pretty amazing. Connecting with our imagination and our thoughts is something that people are very interested in and that scientists have been increasingly researching especially in the fields of athleticism and mindfulness.

after an 8-week meditation program, the amygdala (brain’s smoke alarm) was less activated when exposed to emotional content

Photo by Canva

Research studying the brain of those who meditate or practice mindfulness on a regular basis have shown that brain activity changes during meditation. What’s even more interesting is that the changes that take place during meditation are maintained even when participants are not meditating. One study using FMRI (takes pictures of the brain and records brain activity) found that after an eight week meditation based program, the amygdala (our brain’s smoke alarm) was less activated when exposed to emotional content.

Why do we care to know this?!?!

Well the amygdala is like the brain’s smoke alarm, it alongside with other brain structures, take the stimulus we receive in the world and helps our brain (and body) decide what to make of it- is this a threat? Is this enjoyable? Do I need to freak out right now? So if research on the brain is telling us that our amygdala activation is changing that is important to a society that has more recently been living in the crux of perpetual anxiety. It means we can play an active role in helping ourselves out when it comes to upsetting thoughts and feelings and our response.

The thing is that the emotions of fear and anxiety are based in the memory of something that was scary or in the anticipation that something terrible might happen which, “triggers a habitual fear response…… even if there is no actual present-moment threat”.

Photo by Canva

The take away- it is VERY good to have a brain and body that can respond to threat when we are in ACTUAL danger AND it is even better if we can help that brain and body to become super efficient at sifting through what is actually a threat and what is not.

Photo by Canva

Another way that imagery and visualization has been researched is in the realm of athletics. Imagining doing an activity, like a sport, prior to actually doing the activity can help our brain remember the neural pathways needed for that physical activity. Athletes can use imagery and visualization to improve physical performance and to perform under pressure- Amazing!

So that’s pretty cool and speaks to the power of visualization and imagery, but before I digress any further let me bring us back to using visualization and imagery to settle and soothe our minds and bodies when we are flooded with anxious, fearful, or negative thoughts and feelings.

What I like to use when it comes to settling and soothing the mind and the body are visualizations such as containment, safe place or safe state imagery. The reason I like these in particular is because I find they are very effective at kicking in the parasympathetic system (rest and relax) and I can access them any time.

Container Visualization
This visualization focuses on creating some imagery of a container or vessel of sorts that can hold upsetting, painful, or difficult thoughts and feelings until you are ready to come back to them. This is great for in the moment settling of the mind and body. The idea here is that you can use your imagination to put difficult thoughts and feelings “on the shelf” temporarily to be able to focus again or continue on with your day, but that you can come back to them when you feel supported to do so.

Here is an example of a guided visualization that is about 7 minutes long.

Safe Place Visualization
Safe place visualization can be a great tool to respond to overwhelming moments. Sometimes the idea of a safe place may be difficult for a person to imagine. In particular if your experiences hold trauma or spaces that generally felt unsafe. I will always invite clients to consider that the space may be one they’ve been before, one they imagine they want to go to one day, or perhaps it is a completely imagery place. At the end of a safe place visualization, you can also imagine a word or phrase that might help bring your mind and body back to this more relaxed and settled state at another time. An alternative is to take a few moments after the visualization to draw, paint, or write about the place. This can help it to stay with us in a meaningful way to come back to at another time, if that feels like an option.

it is very good to have a brain and body that can respond to threat when we are in ACTUAL danger AND it is even better if we can help that brain and body to become super efficient at sifting through what is actually a threat and what is not.

A note on making it more meaningful-
Introducing and using visualization and imagery to help settle your mind and body comes with a few considerations. In my experience, they can be very effective as a one off. If you are needing something in the moment and don’t plan on using it again, it is ok to access this practice once and you may see that it is quite helpful.

Saying that, I think the more you practice, the more benefit you will get from it. Just like in those studies looking at the effects of meditation and imagery for athletics on the brain, the more we activate certain parts of the brain, the more efficient our brain becomes at lighting those areas up.

There may be some scripts that work better for you than others. There are lots of videos, books, blogs, apps and websites that offer so many different types of visualization and imagery scripts. Some are specific to theme, timing, or for specific areas of life (sports performance, addictions, anxiety, stress, etc). I would really encourage you to look at some different options and see what fits for you. On that note, the voice and the pace of guided visualizations are unique. Have a listen to the first few seconds of some guided visualizations and if you don’t like the voice or something is just not sitting well for you, try something different!

Here are some resources to consider checking out:
https://psychcentral.com/lib/imagery-basic-relaxation-script/
https://www.innerhealthstudio.com/imagery-and-visualization.html
https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/
https://www.developgoodhabits.com/best-mindfulness-apps/
https://www.mirecc.va.gov/cih-visn2/Documents/Patient_Education_Handouts/Visualization_Guided_Imagery_2013.pdf

Photo by Canva

If you found this post helpful, spread it by emailing to a friend or sharing it on Twitter or Facebook.

Happy imaginings!

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with. If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

20 Aug

Anxiety, Emotions, For Parents

How to Combat Anxiety – Part 3 of 4 Miniseries – Practical Ideas to Settle and Sooth Breathing

September 10, 2022
By admin

Part 3 is all about breathing. Breathing is essential to human life and we all do it, but we each have a unique rhythm.

How can you use breathing to cope with anxious and unhelpful thoughts?

How does breathing let your body know, “thanks for being on alert, but I’m ok right now and I’ve got this”?

Read on my friends.

Photo by Canva

Our breath pattern changes depending on what we are doing and how we are doing. If we are exercising, for example, our breath will deepen and speed up in order to get more oxygen to our muscle groups. When we are sleeping, our breath generally slows down to respond to our state of rest.

Our breathing is also linked to our emotions. When we are scared or really stressed our breathing can become rapid and shallow, preparing us to fight, freeze, or flee. When we are relaxed, for example during a meditation or enjoying a good book, our breathing slows in response.

Breathing may seem automatic and for a lot of things it is, but the really cool thing is that we can adjust our breathing to settle and soothe our system on purpose.

This kicks in our parasympathetic system which is our ‘rest and relax’ system, the opposite system that kicks in when we are under stress.

One important note about breathing- everyone’s breathing pattern is unique to them! Although breathing instructions and breathing exercises may encourage you to take breaths in certain ways, it is really about what is an option for you at that moment. In going over some of the ideas in this blog and video, please keep in mind that whatever kind of breathing is available for you today- is ok!

For example, people who have experienced a lot of trauma sometimes tend to have shallower breaths, so if a breathing exercise or instruction is inviting you to take deep breaths that can actually be quite activating and overwhelming. It’s about listening to our body and well…..learning to listen to our body.

Photo by Canva

Breathing in through my nose? Through my mouth?

Again listening to yourself and what’s possible in that moment. It can be helpful to breathe in through your nose when trying breathing patterns that are designed to help kick in the parasympathetic system, but it doesn’t have to be that way- so just keep that in mind.

Photo by Canva

If you have allergies (Oh do I know hay fever season!) or a cold and it’s a matter of mouth breathing- then go with that! When I’m practicing breathing patterns to relax, I generally tend to breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth but again, whatever is an option for you.

There are different types of breathing strategies that can be used and using simple reminders and cues can help guide the breath.

Finger breathing– tracing your breath using your hand as a guide. What I usually do is take an in breath (breathe in) when tracing the outside of my first finger (perhaps your thumb), pause or hold at the top, and then take an out breath (breathe out) as you trace the other side of that same finger. Just keep that pattern as you trace out the entire hand. The added bonus is that the touch of you tracing your fingers can add some extra focus and soothing.

Shape breathing– If you have something to write with and write on handy, draw out a shape of your choice, any shape will do. Then you can use your writing tool (pencil, pen, sharpie, lipstick- you can be creative here!) and trace over the shape you’ve drawn and have your breath mirror that shape. For example, if you choose to draw a rectangle, you will trace over one line and breathe in, trace over the next line and take a pause, trace over the next line and breathe out. Trace over the shape until you’ve taken a few breaths (I like to do between 5-10)

Photo by Canva

Being aware and noticing your breath– Simply bringing some focus and attention to your breath and where you notice it the most. For some folks that might be more in the chest, for some it may be more in the stomach area. The invitation is to place your hand on that area (your chest, your stomach, or both) and just take a moment to notice as it rises and falls with your breath. Notice your hand(s) as they go up and down with your breath. Repeat for a few breaths.

Photo by Canva

Imagery or object breathing (feather breathing, candle breathing, flower breathing)- While bringing an image to mind, use that to guide your breath. Let’s take the feather breathing example. You can have an actual feather for this idea or you can just pretend you have a feather handy. Place the feather in your hand and as take your in breath and out breath, trying to make the feather move. Same thing with the candle breathing- imagine you have a candle in front of you and as you breathe in and out, you are moving the flame of the candle, but not blowing the candle out. This helps to control and bring awareness to the breath.

If you found this post helpful, spread it by emailing to a friend or sharing it on Twitter or Facebook- Thanks! Also, be sure to come back and check out Part IV, where I’ll be talking about using visualization and imagery to combat anxiety.

Breathe on!

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with. If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.