ConfidenceEmpowermentFeelingsMindset
When Self-Criticism Is Her Motivation
How do you support your teen daughter without taking away her drive?
If you have a teen daughter who is in sport, performance, or competition of any kind, you may have thought this more than once: “She is so hard on herself!”
You watch her finish a competition, game, performance, or practice and instead of celebrating what went well, she immediately points out what she did wrong.
“I should have landed that.”
“That was terrible.”
“I know I can do better.”
And as a parent, it can be incredibly difficult to watch.
You might want to say:
“Did you see the other 5 things you did well?”
But what if self-criticism is actually part of how she believes she gets better?
The Carrot and the Whip Mentality
Many years ago, during a training I attended, an instructor introduced the idea of the carrot and the whip.
He put it this way- “imagine your mind as a donkey and your goal is getting that donkey to the market.”
You can use the carrot: encouragement, positive self-talk, affirmation, celebrating progress, reminding yourself what you’re capable of.
Or
You can use the whip: criticism, pointing out mistakes, focusing on what went wrong, reminding yourself where you fell short.
Both may get the donkey to the market. But they don’t have the same cost.
And this is an important distinction when we’re supporting a teen who has learned to use criticism as fuel.
She may genuinely believe that if she isn’t hard on herself, she’ll get complacent. That if she lets any mistakes slide, she won’t improve. And that the criticism genuinely fuels her motivations.
So when a parent swoops in with:
“No! Don’t say that! You’re amazing!”
…it can feel less like support and more like someone trying to take away her strategy even with the best of intentions.
It’s kind of like trying to convince your very politically passionate Auntie Shelly to suddenly see the world exactly as you do. You probably aren’t going to get very far by simply telling her she’s wrong.
The same is often true of self-criticism.
Validate to Create a Different State
This is one of the things I remind myself of in my own work and in my own parenting.
When someone is upset, our instinct can be to reassure, fix, solve, redirect or make the feeling go away.
I still catch myself doing it.
But when our daughter’s nervous system is activated by disappointment, frustration, embarrassment or fear, she may not be in a state where she’s ready to hear our re-direct to the positive side.
So my first goal isn’t to change their mind. It’s to validate to create a different state. That means meeting them where they’re at.
Mirroring the pain, frustration or disappointment back to them:
“I can see how upset you are right now.”
“You really wanted that to go differently.”
“Yeah that was rough.”
And here’s the important part:
You don’t have to agree with what they’re saying to validate their experience. And you don’t have to believe that they are terrible because they think they performed terribly. And you certainly don’t have to agree that one mistake means they aren’t good enough.
You are simply communicating:
“I see what this experience is like for you right now. You have room to feel it.”
That validation creates enough space for the intensity to come down and then sometimes- a door opens. Or maybe just a tiny window.
That’s when we can become curious about what’s next.
“Do you want to talk about what you’d like to work on?”
“Would it be helpful to think through what happened?”
“Can I offer you something I noticed?”
It's not about taking away her drive
It’s not realistic to turn your teen into someone who responds to every hurdle with
“Everything is amazing! I’m perfect just the way I am!”
And it may not even be what she wants. What it’s really about is helping her develop more confidence and more than one way to move herself forward.
Maybe criticism has been her whip nd perhaps it has worked.
So rather than taking away her drive, we can help her learn to use feedback differently.
Reframe the feedback
Criticism may be shining some light on a level up opportunity, rather than a verdict about who she is. Underneath the critical comment is the potential for something she’d like to master and hasn’t yet. There’s opportunity for learning and growth.
Another piece to consider is that not every word of self-criticism deserves equal weight. Self- hate comments that depricate can be very harmful. Imagine that every word that is said outloud is potentially 10X in her head.
You can guide her curiosity towards- Is there something useful here?
If there is, she can use it as information, a guide toward what she wants to practice or improve. As for the rest, if it’s tearing her down, hurting her, or just upsetting her unnecessarily, that energy can be released.
One parent recommended a good punching bag session or run to move that energy onwards.
Not all criticism is constructive.
And she doesn’t have to turn all those words into beliefs about herself.
Then ask: What's next?
This is where validation can open the door. After the emotions have been acknowledged (e.g. disappointment, frustration, anger, etc), you can eventually move toward more of a -“What do you want to do with this?” mentality.
Whether it’s something like recording the work and reviewing it, asking a coach a question, or simply trying again after you’ve slept on it.
It’s moving the criticism into something useful.
Although from a parent perspective you may want to get rid of the whip mentality asap, the most valuable shift is to help her discover that there are other ways to get to the market, too.
Encouragement.
Curiosity.
Compassion.
Specific goals.
Honest reflection.
And the ability to say:
“Yep. That sucked.”
…and then eventually:
“Okay. What’s next?”
Building resilience and confidence aren’t about never experiencing disappointment. It’s about learning that you can experience disappointment, frustration and failure without turning them into evidence that something is wrong with you.
And maybe it’s not getting rid of the whip overnight, but helping your daughter discover that she doesn’t have to hurt herself to move herself forward in big ways.
Let’s Keep Walking Together
If this message resonated with you, you’re already part of the community.
I appreciate you being here.
I’d love to invite you into our Raising Resilient Teen Girls community a caring online space where we share a couple thoughtful notes each week with resources, tools, and real-life encouragement for raising (and being) resilient teen girls.
And as a little gift for joining us, I’d love to give you The Wise Gardener.Whether you’re a therapist, parent, educator, coach, or simply someone looking for a meaningful reflection tool, The Wise Gardeneroffers a visual way to cultivate resilience, self-awareness, and intentional growth.
Join our community and receive your free copy of Wise Gardener.
Let’s walk this path together with presence, courage, compassion, and a little more ease.
With gratitude,
Chantal
