FeelingsGrowthInspirationMindsetParenting
When Your Teen Is Hurting, You Feel It Too
Recently, I signed my teen up for a program he was genuinely excited about.
He had been wanting to learn special-effects makeup, and we found a program that looked like a great fit. At first, there was plenty of excitement.
As the date got closer, though, he started changing his tune.
What if there were too many people? What if he didn’t like it? What if he felt uncomfortable?
The closer we got, the more I could see his anxiety building.
Driving up to the school where the program was being held brought up some difficult memories, adding another layer to an already challenging situation.
I was doing what I could to support him. I didn’t want fear to take over and stop him from having a meaningful experience learning something he was genuinely interested in.
I tried listening. I tried making space for whatever came up. He even entertained a little nervous-system regulation.
But I noticed something.
My throat was getting tight, too.
I was beginning to feel anxious.
And it clicked for me: as parents, when our teens are struggling, we feel it, too.
Whether your teen is navigating an injury, performance anxiety, friendship struggles, school stress, or something else entirely, watching your child hurt can bring up a lot inside of you.
Putting the brakes on your feelings to be a Supportive Parent?
Witnessing your teen struggle can be incredibly difficult.
Maybe her confidence has taken a hit while she works through an injury. Perhaps performance anxiety that once seemed manageable is now affecting her enjoyment, sleep, relationships, or willingness to compete.
You might find yourself worrying when she worries. Lying awake at 3 a.m. thinking about what she is going through. Wondering whether you should be doing more.
It makes you human.
Being a supportive parent doesn’t mean becoming emotionally invincible.
In fact, trying to shut down your own feelings can sometimes create even more internal pressure.
Walking beside them
We can be deeply connected to our teen’s experience without taking it on fully.
Her anxiety can be present without becoming ours to solve.
Her disappointment can matter deeply to us without becoming our responsibility to erase or immediately finding the answer to.
That can feel really uncomfortable at first.
As parents, we naturally want to solve. When your teen is hurting, your instinct may be to fix, encourage, or find a solution.
A lot of the time, the most loving thing we can offer is simply:
“I’m here.”
Hide your feelings no more
Being a supportive parent doesn't mean becoming emotionally invincible.
Chantal Menard Côté
Psychologist, Teen Coach, and Founder
Parents can receive the message, directly or indirectly, that we need to stay strong for our children.
There is truth in the importance of creating a sense of safety for your teen. Your consistency, communication, boundaries, and presence accomplish this.
But being strong is not the same as being unaffected.
Your teen doesn’t need you to be emotionally invincible.
A parent who can notice, “what am I feeling right now?,” is modelling something incredibly valuable: emotional awareness.
The other half of that is learning what to do with those emotions.
These days, I personally find journalling, taking a walk, and talking things through with a trusted person working well for me .
Whatever helps you reconnect with yourself can become part of your own emotional toolkit.
There is a difference between hiding our humanity and taking responsibility for our emotions.
Not every moment will be a bullseye
Another burden parents often carry is the belief that there is one right response.
Did I say the right thing?
Should I have pushed her to go?
Should I have let her stay home?
Did I make things worse?
When your teen is struggling, it can feel as though every conversation carries enormous weight.
But parenting support isn’t hinged on one conversation.
It is a relationship built over thousands of small moments.
There will be times when you say something that lands.
There will also be times when you respond from your own fear, frustration, or exhaustion and wish you had handled things differently.
You can come back.
Repair.
Say, “I’ve been thinking about our conversation, and I would have approached it differently. I wonder if we can have a redo.”
I love the idea that we either succeed or learn. Either way, there is something valuable waiting for us.
Your teen’s experience is not a report card on your parenting
This can be especially difficult for parents of high-achieving athletes.
When your teen struggles, you may wonder whether you should have noticed sooner, prepared her better, pushed less, pushed more, or taught her different coping skills.
But sometimes a young athlete gets injured and simply decides she doesn’t want to return to her sport.
At times anxiety becomes bigger than expected.
There will be moments where your teen is overwhelmed by an experience that no amount of great parenting could have prevented.
Unless responding with raging anger is your usual parenting strategy, your daughter’s struggles, choices, and emotions are not a direct reflection of your parenting.
You cannot guarantee that your teen will never hurt.
What you can offer is something far more meaningful: a relationship where she knows she doesn’t have to navigate difficult things alone.
And perhaps part of that relationship is learning to offer yourself the same compassion.
You can give yourself permission to care deeply, feel anxious, have moments when your own throat gets tight, and to take care of yourself while you show care of her.
Because supporting your teen doesn’t mean carrying her across the finish line.
It means learning how to stand beside her while also remembering to stand beside yourself.
Let’s Keep Walking Together
If this message resonated with you, you’re already part of the community.
I appreciate you being here.
I’d love to invite you into our Raising Resilient Teen Girls community a caring online space where we share a couple thoughtful notes each week with resources, tools, and real-life encouragement for raising (and being) resilient teen girls.
And as a little gift for joining us, I’d love to give you The Wise Gardener.Whether you’re a therapist, parent, educator, coach, or simply someone looking for a meaningful reflection tool, The Wise Gardeneroffers a visual way to cultivate resilience, self-awareness, and intentional growth.
Join our community and receive your free copy of Wise Gardener.
Let’s walk this path together with presence, courage, compassion, and a little more ease.
With gratitude,
Chantal
