Finding out that your teen is self-harming can be an emotional and overwhelming experience. The parents that I talk to often express helplessness, fear, uncertainty, disbelief, shame, and a variety of other internal reactions. Self-harm is something that is not talked about a lot. As a result, there tends to be stigma and shame attached. In addition, significant underestimation of how common it is. This blog is to let parents know that you are not alone and also to provide a few tips on how to talk to your teen about self harm.
Tip #1: Use Your Teen’s Language
Teens have different ways of labeling the behavior. Some teens preferring to say self-harm, cutting, self-injury, or to not even label the behavior in these terms at all. Using the same language lets your teen know you respect how they want to define their experience and is a small way to build trust. Some teens and parents even come up with a code word, which can be something completely random, such as “pineapple.” In addition, using a code word can make the conversation feel a little less scary to both teens and parents. This is a great start for how to talk to your teen about self harm. The code word can also be used to reference the urge to self-harm. For example, if your teen says “pineapple”, then you both know that your teen is struggling with the urge, and you can work together to help the urge pass.
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Tip #2: Be Non-Judgmental
If a teen is self-harming, they are already dealing with a lot of internal distress. Therefore, try to avoid language or tone of voice that is judgmental and may inadvertently make them feel more distress or shame.
Examples of things not to say:
- “Why would you self-harm? You have so many things going right in your life.”
- “Why would you do this to yourself?”
- “You’re just doing this for attention.”
- “Just stop doing it.”
- “Other people have it worse” (or saying your own teen years were worse).
Instead, try to approach your teen with non-judgmental curiosity and empathy. As well, make it a priority to try to understand what your teen may be going through and why they have turned to self-harm. As much as possible, try to use open-ended questions to keep the conversation going instead of closed questions which tend to result in “yes” and “no” answers.
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You may consider asking your teen something like the following:
- “I am really sorry to hear you are feeling this way, and I’m glad you told me.”
- “How can I support you during this time?”
- “I understand that you’re hurting. What can we do to help you get through this?”
- “Would you like to talk to someone about it?”
Tip #3: Normalize Emotions and Feelings of Distress
Since people tend not to talk openly about their feelings of distress or struggles with self-harm, it can be easy for teens (and parents) to feel alone in this situation. However, the reality is that we all experience intense and difficult emotions at times, and that self-harm is used by some as a coping strategy to help manage these emotions. Therefore, being able to talk openly about painful emotions, whether that is sharing what a teen’s friend may be going through or something that happened in your own teenage years, can help normalize that sometimes life feels really tough and overwhelming.
At this point, it can be helpful to offer some alternative behaviors or strategies to manage the distress, but it’s important to be mindful that we don’t want to immediately jump to problem-solving. Doing so can often lead to teens feeling dismissed and invalidated. Instead, focus on listening and validating their experience first. Once a teen feels heard, you can gently introduce suggestions.
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For example:
- “Would you be interested in exploring ways to cope with these feelings when they arise?”
- “If you ever feel like trying something different, I can share some ideas that might help.”
Ask a teen’s permission to share or to collaborate. If the answer is “no,” respect that decision and come up with a plan to revisit the conversation at a different time.
Tip #4: Look After Yourself
When your teen is self-harming, it can bring up a lot of emotions and distress for you as a parent. Moreover, managing your own emotional well-being is essential- both for your own sake and so you can better support your teen. Experiencing your own emotions and turning to healthy coping strategies can also serve as a powerful learning experience for your teen by modeling emotional awareness, expression, and regulation.
Think of it in terms of “filling your own cup before you pour it out to others.” What do you need to do to look after yourself during this time? Parents may consider:
- Seeking support from a therapist or counselor.
- Practicing mindfulness or relaxation techniques.
- Taking time for self-care activities that help you recharge.
You will be prioritizing your own well-being. Therefore you’ll be in a stronger position to be there for your teen.
Tip #5: Give Your Teen as Much Choice as Reasonable
Teens don’t always want to talk about self-harm, and some may never want to. The general agreement I come to with parents and teens
is that it’s not an option to do nothing. However, the teen can have a say in how they receive support.
If a teen doesn’t want to talk about self-harm when you bring it up, respect that decision but also make a plan for when a conversation can happen. This might be on the weekend, out of the house and away from other family members, or while doing an activity together like a walk—anything that can make the conversation a little easier.
For a teen who is really resistant to talking to a parent, offering the option to talk to a therapist can be helpful. While a mental health professional can provide support with the self-harm, you can focus on building trust and connection in the parent-teen relationship. Remember, involving a therapist doesn’t replace your role but can complement it. It’s okay to acknowledge that sometimes a teen might need additional professional help.
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Conclusion:
In conclusion, this journey is undoubtedly challenging, but it’s important for parents to remember that they are not alone. By approaching the situation with empathy, respect, and patience, you can create a supportive environment for your teen. So, by taking care of yourself and ensuring your own well-being you will also be able to better assist your teen as they navigate their emotions and healing process. Moreover, you don’t have to have all the answers, but your presence, care, and willingness to listen will make a world of difference.
In addition, for further reading about how to tell if a teen is self- harming click here
About Jessa
As a dedicated psychologist based in Calgary, Alberta, Jessa specializes in working with teens, parents, and young adults. Her passion lies in helping individuals discover and achieve their best selves, and she is deeply grateful for the opportunity to support people in their personal growth.
She offers a range of therapeutic techniques tailored to meet individual needs. Her expertise includes Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). Jessa integrates mindfulness and person-centred approaches to create a holistic and personalized therapy experience. She primarily works with clients navigating anxiety, depression, trauma, emotional regulation issues, and relationship difficulties. Also, she works with individuals who have ADHD and ASD Level 1 diagnoses. To book a session with Jessa click here
