12 Jul

Anxiety, Confidence, For Parents, For Teens

Anxiety and Choice

May 17, 2022
By admin

Is your teen’s anxiety stopping them from living the life they want to live? How to help teens choose in spite of anxiety.

Photo from Canva Pro

Anxiety, Stress & Pressure on Today’s Generation of Teens

Today’s youth are experiencing high amounts of stress and pressure, leading to levels of anxiety we haven’t seen in previous generations. A huge part of this increase is the copious amounts of information that youth are exposed to today. There is so much more information available – on social, political, and global issues – that is consistently and constantly being filtered through their brains.

The way I see it is that it is wonderful that youth today know far more about many topics including mental health and wellness than previous generations did at their age… We have a group of young people who are more informed and aware than ever before. This awareness leads to a lot of desire for justice, and an inclination to stand up for things that are important to them. Empathy has grown as youth have been exposed to world issues as well – they generally feel deeply and have a lot of concern for their friends and others in the world.

The flip side of this is that all this information available to teens leads to a lot of anxiety, questions, and general confusion about many things. The teen brain is already undergoing a lot of changes naturally and depending on their age and development, teens are still learning how to make sense and respond to the world in various areas: decision making, perspective taking, and judgement/rationalization to name a few. Their brain is being overloaded with information to filter through on top of the wiring already going on.

This often brings up a lot of really profound questions – existential anxiety around “how do I fit into the world? Who am I? What’s my purpose? What’s the point of all this? etc.”

As parents, being aware of this increased stress and pressure is a helpful resource in supporting your teen manage anxiety and stop it from hijacking their lives.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Anxiety Impacts Decisions and Choices

It is natural for teens to have nerves about some things (all of us really!), like trying new things. It is concerning when the anxiety begins to impact the decisions and choices teens are making.

Consider how anxiety affects your teen.

Does it get in the way of doing things they want to do?
Does it stop them from trying out for the team, talking to that new person, or signing up for a new class?
Are fears and anxieties constantly at play in their lives, causing them to worry about messing up or being judged?
What decisions or choices are being made as a result of anxiety?

When anxiety hijacks or hooks our thoughts, it acts as a barrier/blockade to things we actually want to be doing.

These are all questions you can ask yourself, and even your teen directly, to begin understanding how anxiety is impacting them right now.

Photo from Canva Pro

Choice Point and Anxiety

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT therapy) uses a framework to help look at different situations, problems, thoughts, and feelings that teens encounter and see the choice possibilities. There are many possibilities but ultimately they are categorized into two main choices, thoughts, feelings, and behaviours – things that move them away from the person they want to be – AKA being hijacked or hooked by anxious feelings and thoughts – OR thoughts, feelings, and behaviours that move them towards the kind of person they want to be; unhooked from anxiety. When a teen is moving towards, they are behaving the way they want to behave, in alignment with what is important to them; their values (more on this in another blog post!)

Photo from www.actmindfully.com.au

Let’s say your teen is interested in signing up for a new art class. The idea of the choice point is to explore the the decision to be made and bring awareness to what guides their choices. Let’s say your teen really wants to take the class but also feels nervous about it. What kind of thoughts and feelings come up when they think about that art class?

What if they think – “It could be interesting, sounds fun.” They feel excited and curious and they will learn more about painting, a new interest of theirs. This would be considered a move towards what the teen wants – which is to attend the class. This is when they are choosing to unhook from anxious and nervous thoughts and feelings.

What if they think “I don’t know anyone else, I’m nervous to go, and what if I’m not any good?” This might lead them to getting hooked by these nervous thoughts and feelings and move away from what they actually want

This idea of being hooked/unhooked comes up a lot for older teens when they are applying for a job. They WANT the job – it’s a great opportunity to meet new people, have some independence, make some money etc. But the anxious part of their brain hooks them and begins to affect the choice they make.

Hooking thoughts can take the form of ‘what if’ questions – “What if I mess up the interview? What if I don’t get hired? What if I do get hired, but nobody wants to talk to me?” Emotions that may go along with these thoughts are feeling anxious, stressed, bad, or down on yourself. Behaviours could look like procrastination, making excuses for not applying, irritability with people around them – snapping when parents ask about the job hunt, etc.

The choice point is a way of looking at any situation, problem, or thought and knowing that they

Photo from Canva Pro

have the power to choose and ask important questions like “am I letting anxiety run my life here?”. It is a way of recognizing when decisions are moving them away from who they want to be – when their thoughts, behaviours, and feelings are not aligned with what they actually want to do or what’s important to them.

As parents, it’s important to recognize what being hooked by anxiety can look like for your teen. What are some of the behaviours and feelings your teen is expressing?

The other side of the choice point is to also recognize what it looks like when your teen is moving towards doing the things they actually want to do, and being the person they want to be – being unhooked from the anxiety. They want the job, and instead of moving away from it, they might ask “If I were moving towards the job, what would I do?” –

I would apply, go for the interview, be confident in my abilities to do these things, etc.
Even if I don’t get the job I can let them know who I am and what I’m good at.
I can practice in the interview.
What would it feel like to be courageous and give it a try? To get the job and make new friends, to have independence with money?
It could be exciting, and fun! It could boost my confidence!
It will feel good.

Look at both sides and know that when a teen encounters a situation, a challenge, or a tricky thought/feeling that there are really only two ways to go – we can let ourselves get hooked with the things that pull us away from who we want to be (hooked by anger, anxiety, stress) OR we can acknowledge those thoughts and feelings and choose to unhook ourselves and actually make the decision – the choice – that is more aligned with the person we want to be.

It’s quite powerful for teens to see that they have a choice. That they can map out a decision and see what might happen if they do this, vs that. How they’d like to move forward as a person becomes apparent.

Photo from Canva Pro

Anxiety and The Happiness Pill Program

The Happiness Pill program is a 6-month coaching program for teens (and their parents) that is meant to empower teens to know THEY can make these choices. To clearly see that any kind of problem they face can be a decision or a choice they can make towards living the life they want. The program focuses on learning this and many other skills so they can choose the life they want to live, and be in alignment with who they want to be.

If this is something that you see value in for your teen, email us at info@pyramidpsychology.com for more information.

Love,

Chantal

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with. If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

05 Jul

Emotions, For Parents, Relationships

Emotional Bank Account: Your Relationship With Your Teen

May 17, 2022
By admin

In Dr. John Duffy’s book, Parenting Your New Teen in the Age of Anxiety – he shares about the ‘Emotional Bank Account’. This is a theory around relationships, and some of the things that contribute and support those relationships, as well as some of the things that might break them down. It is a theory that is shared in a few different well known books, such as Stephen R Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, or Dr. Gary Chapman’s book on the 5 Love Languages.

The idea is that every person has their own, unique – and invisible – Emotional Bank Account (EBA). And each bank account has personal forms of deposits and withdrawals into/out of it. Parents and teens will have different things that deposit or withdraw from their EBA.

Photo from Canva Pro

When each person’s bank account is in the green (or in the black as some say) that means the relationship is stronger; it can handle some of the withdrawals that happen in relationships, without too much damage. As a parent, you may be able to “play your parent card” as Dr. Duffy mentions, meaning have more sway with certain expectations and behaviours when your EBA is higher on the deposit side.

The EBA is fluid so it is constantly changing from day to day. And this means, you can always take actions to make deposits or lower the overdraft.

If the account is already bare minimum, or in the red, then different things that are considered withdrawals – behaviours or words – will be more of a hit to the relationship.

As parents, it’s really important to have an awareness of what your teens’ Emotional Bank Account looks like. Are there more deposits, or withdrawals in their EBA right now? How is the EBA balance going to affect the types of interactions you have, if something goes wrong, or doesn’t work out as they thought?

Deposits and Withdrawals for Parents

Each person will have unique things they consider deposits to the relationship. Deposits can be things people say or behaviours, things another person does (or doesn’t) do. Dr. Chapman’s 5 Love Languages are a great example of different things people can consider a deposit. Things such as words of affirmation – “I see you did really great on this project” – or physical touch, giving your teen a hug or painting each other’s nails.

Each person has to figure out for themselves what their deposits (and withdrawals) look like. As a parent, it’s key to start thinking about it – you can try asking yourself – What are some things in relation to my teen that feel like deposits? What are some of the things that make our relationship stronger? When do I feel at my best in our relationship?

You may find that spending quality time with your teen is an important deposit for you. Or, maybe seeing them complete a chore or task/responsibility without you reminding them is your $1000 ticket. Consider what kind of interactions contribute to the deposits.

It’s important for parents to figure out what their deposits are; what are the things that leave them feeling good about their relationship with their teen. Deposits will continue to nurture the relationship and healthy attachment.

On the other side of things, it’s also key to figure out what withdraws from your Emotional Bank Account. When you’re feeling drained, or the relationship with your teen is getting strained, what is happening? Is it a sassy tone? Chore left undone? Clothes on the floor? Experiencing a lot of push back from your teen?

Below are some examples of withdrawals or deposits as a parent with a teen; every parent and every teen will have their own list of behaviours and actions on their lists.

Deposits and Withdrawals for Your Teen

As you become more aware of your own Emotional Bank Account’s withdrawals and deposits, it’s important to consider what that looks like for your teen as well. You may enjoy spending quality time with your teen; that’s a deposit into your bank account. But what does that look like for your teen? Do they feel the same way, or are they perhaps more inclined to receive from affirming words that they are doing something really well? Hearing you say “Wow, I see how hard you worked on this project” could be a bigger deposit for your teen.

How can parents find the answers to their teen’s EBA??

Get your teen thinking about this too – introduce them to the idea of the Emotional Bank Account. Check out the things your teen sees as a deposit and as a withdrawal. – I’ve heard teens talk about withdrawals as when their parents are nagging them, don’t believe they are telling the truth, compare them to others, or judge their friends.

Parents and teens can work together to know one another’s EBA’s, and help make them be in the green most of the time, rather than in the red.

Like parents every teen will have a different set of deposits and withdrawals. Here is a photo with some examples of an Emotional Bank Account for Teens:

Checking In With Yourself

Once you have a sense of your Emotional Bank Account, you can check in with yourself. Using my EBA to check-in with myself really helps me when I am parenting – asking myself “where are we at with our EBA accounts?”

For example, I can feel myself getting frustrated when chores aren’t being done, so I end up asking over and over (does this ever happen to you?). My teen gets frustrated in turn and so the conflict begins – “I’ll get it done, Mom! Stop asking! (again… ever happen to you?)

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

If I notice the dishwasher needs to be done – I see the dishwasher needing to be emptied, and I get an urge to tell my teen(again) that dishes are piling up and my stress is also… Instead, I pause for a minute and think about my last five interactions with my teen. Were there times when I was nagging, or checking in on homework, etc.? (Things he considers a withdrawal.)

If the answer to that question is ‘yes’, then I pause for a minute and do some things that are more deposit based – if the dishwasher isn’t done now, it will be okay to wait another half an hour (it will get done!)

I invest in the relationship first, and then the dishwasher still gets done.

So instead of going upstairs and asking my teen “hey, why isn’t the dishwasher done yet”, I go up and ask “hey, what are you watching-is it that new anime from last week here?” Then I can check back in on the dishwasher in a little bit and the response will be very different..

As John Duffy explains it – as parents, we sometimes have to use the ‘parent card’ to trump some things, implement consequences, or pursue certain expectations – but it is received in a different way if the Emotional Bank Accounts are in the green instead of in the red.

Emotional Bank Accounts are a great tool to build a positive, healthy relationship with your teen.

Love,

Chantal

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.