Finding out that your teen is self-harming can be an emotional and overwhelming experience. The parents that I talk to often express helplessness, fear, uncertainty, disbelief, shame, and a variety of other internal reactions. Self-harm is something that is not talked about a lot. As a result, there tends to be stigma and shame attached. In addition, significant underestimation of how common it is. This blog is to let parents know that you are not alone and also to provide a few tips on how to talk to your teen about self harm.

Tip #1: Use Your Teen’s Language

Teens have different ways of labeling the behavior. Some teens preferring to say self-harm, cutting, self-injury, or to not even label the behavior in these terms at all. Using the same language lets your teen know you respect how they want to define their experience and is a small way to build trust. Some teens and parents even come up with a code word, which can be something completely random, such as “pineapple.” In addition, using a code word can make the conversation feel a little less scary to both teens and parents. This is a great start for how to talk to your teen about self harm. The code word can also be used to reference the urge to self-harm. For example, if your teen says “pineapple”, then you both know that your teen is struggling with the urge, and you can work together to help the urge pass.

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Tip #2: Be Non-Judgmental

If a teen is self-harming, they are already dealing with a lot of internal distress. Therefore, try to avoid language or tone of voice that is judgmental and may inadvertently make them feel more distress or shame.

Examples of things not to say:

• “Why would you self-harm? You have so many things going right in your life.”
• “Why would you do this to yourself?”
• “You’re just doing this for attention.”
• “Just stop doing it.”
• “Other people have it worse” (or saying your own teen years were worse).

Instead, try to approach your teen with non-judgmental curiosity and empathy. As well, make it a priority to try to understand what your teen may be going through and why they have turned to self-harm. As much as possible, try to use open-ended questions to keep the conversation going instead of closed questions which tend to result in “yes” and “no” answers.

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You may consider asking your teen something like the following:

• “I am really sorry to hear you are feeling this way, and I’m glad you told me.”
  
• “How can I support you during this time?”
  
• “I understand that you’re hurting. What can we do to help you get through this?”
  
• “Would you like to talk to someone about it?”

Tip #3: Normalize Emotions and Feelings of Distress

Since people tend not to talk openly about their feelings of distress or struggles with self-harm, it can be easy for teens (and parents) to feel alone in this situation. However, the reality is that we all experience intense and difficult emotions at times, and that self-harm is used by some as a coping strategy to help manage these emotions. Therefore, being able to talk openly about painful emotions, whether that is sharing what a teen’s friend may be going through or something that happened in your own teenage years, can help normalize that sometimes life feels really tough and overwhelming.

At this point, it can be helpful to offer some alternative behaviors or strategies to manage the distress, but it’s important to be mindful that we don’t want to immediately jump to problem-solving. Doing so can often lead to teens feeling dismissed and invalidated. Instead, focus on listening and validating their experience first. Once a teen feels heard, you can gently introduce suggestions.

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For example:

• “Would you be interested in exploring ways to cope with these feelings when they arise?”
• “If you ever feel like trying something different, I can share some ideas that might help.”

Ask a teen’s permission to share or to collaborate. If the answer is “no,” respect that decision and come up with a plan to revisit the conversation at a different time.

Tip #4: Look After Yourself

When your teen is self-harming, it can bring up a lot of emotions and distress for you as a parent. Moreover, managing your own emotional well-being is essential- both for your own sake and so you can better support your teen. Experiencing your own emotions and turning to healthy coping strategies can also serve as a powerful learning experience for your teen by modeling emotional awareness, expression, and regulation.

Think of it in terms of “filling your own cup before you pour it out to others.” What do you need to do to look after yourself during this time? Parents may consider:

• Seeking support from a therapist or counselor.
• Practicing mindfulness or relaxation techniques.
• Taking time for self-care activities that help you recharge.

You will be prioritizing your own well-being. Therefore you’ll be in a stronger position to be there for your teen.

Tip #5: Give Your Teen as Much Choice as Reasonable

Teens don’t always want to talk about self-harm, and some may never want to. The general agreement I come to with parents and teens

is that it’s not an option to do nothing. However, the teen can have a say in how they receive support.

If a teen doesn’t want to talk about self-harm when you bring it up, respect that decision but also make a plan for when a conversation can happen. This might be on the weekend, out of the house and away from other family members, or while doing an activity together like a walk—anything that can make the conversation a little easier.

For a teen who is really resistant to talking to a parent, offering the option to talk to a therapist can be helpful. While a mental health professional can provide support with the self-harm, you can focus on building trust and connection in the parent-teen relationship. Remember, involving a therapist doesn’t replace your role but can complement it. It’s okay to acknowledge that sometimes a teen might need additional professional help.

>>>>>>To download our self sooth kit for teens struggling with self harm: click here <<<<<<<<<<<

Conclusion:

In conclusion, this journey is undoubtedly challenging, but it’s important for parents to remember that they are not alone. By approaching the situation with empathy, respect, and patience, you can create a supportive environment for your teen. So, by taking care of yourself and ensuring your own well-being you will also be able to better assist your teen as they navigate their emotions and healing process. Moreover, you don’t have to have all the answers, but your presence, care, and willingness to listen will make a world of difference.

In addition, for further reading about how to tell if a teen is self- harming click here

About Jessa

As a dedicated psychologist based in Calgary, Alberta, Jessa specializes in working with teens, parents, and young adults. Her passion lies in helping individuals discover and achieve their best selves, and she is deeply grateful for the opportunity to support people in their personal growth.

She offers a range of therapeutic techniques tailored to meet individual needs. Her expertise includes Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). Jessa integrates mindfulness and person-centred approaches to create a holistic and personalized therapy experience. She primarily works with clients navigating anxiety, depression, trauma, emotional regulation issues, and relationship difficulties. Also, she works with individuals who have ADHD and ASD Level 1 diagnoses. To book a session with Jessa click here

Many of the teens I work with have used self-harm as a coping behaviour. Teens sometimes feel full of emotions and thoughts and don’t know who to turn to or how to express them. They might try a range of coping behaviours and sometimes feel like self-harm is one that gives some temporary relief. Like with any coping strategy, there are those that are more effective, those that are less effective, and they all have some tradeoffs (aka consequences). It can be terrifying for parents who discover this and feel unsure of how to help with their teens’ pain and suffering, so it is very beneficial for parents to know how to handle when their teen is self harming.

If you are a concerned parent of a teen who is self-injuring, this information will share some of the what’s, the why’s, and the how’s behind self harming.

WHAT IS SELF-INJURY AND SELF-HARM?

Self-harm and self-injury can be used interchangeably and they are behaviours such as cutting, hitting, scratching, pulling out hair, punching hard objects, etc. that cause injury to one’s body in some way. This is different from participating in a high risk activity that may cause self-injury in that the purpose of self-harming behaviours are to cope with psychological/emotional pain, numbness and overwhelm.

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10 tools you can immediately use to improve your female identifying teens’ mental health & build resistance against depression & anxiety:

WHY DO PEOPLE SELF-HARM?

We know that self-harming behaviours are used as a coping method to deal with psychological and emotional suffering. Some teens know what thoughts, emotions, and situations trigger the urges to self-harm, others are less aware, or less able to articulate. Feeling numb or void of sensation can also lead to self-injuring behaviour. Sometimes parents will ask me, “is my teen doing this to get attention?”. The short answer is: Yes. But not attention in the way of “look at me” but more so as a plea for support or a way of saying “I’m really struggling right now and I’m not sure how to deal with these emotions/thoughts”. 

Parents have also asked me if this means their teen is thinking of suicide. A lot of the time suicide is not the desired outcome. Teens who are self-harming may also have thoughts of suicide, but the self-harming behaviour is not usually intended as a lethal means. 

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10 tools you can immediately use to improve your female identifying teens’ mental health & build resistance against depression & anxiety

In short, self-harming behaviours are often used as a way to get relief in managing emotional and psychological pain of sorts. Whether it is to numb, express, or release pain or a way of gaining a sense of control over emotional overwhelm. With that being said, nobody knows better than your teen about what their experience is and what is leading them to self-harm, so approaching them with care, compassion and curiosity is the best way to understand. 

Some of the tradeoffs (or consequences) of self-harm as a coping method is that it provides temporary relief, meaning the psychological and emotional pain comes back and sometimes with a vengeance, which keeps a person in a cycle of self-harm. Also, physiologically there is a release of neurotransmitters and endorphins that are linked to that sense of relief. The more a person engages in self-harming behaviours, the more the body habituates and people tend to do it more in order to get the same physiological response.  This means higher risk in the behaviour which can lead to more dangerous outcomes and unwanted consequences (e.g. infection, scarring, etc.)

HOW YOU CAN HELP WHEN YOUR TEEN IS SELF-HARMING?

The first thing is to take it seriously. The sooner you can respond with caring, compassion, and curiosity, the quicker you can turn around this coping strategy. If your teen is scraping their legs or rubbing themselves really hard in response to a situation, this still warrants your attention. You can help early on and avoid the behaviours from escalating. 

Responding with caring, compassion, and curiosity can include: 

• Letting your teen know you have noticed the behaviour
• Letting your teen know you love them no matter what 
• Letting your teen know you are there to support 
• Letting your teen know you are concerned
• Letting your teen know they do not have to feel shame about this but it is important to get some help and get to the root cause
• Letting your teen know you are there for them and want to help
• Letting your teen know a therapist or trained coach can be additional resources
• Asking your teen to tell you about what is leading to the behaviour
• Asking your teen about what’s going on in their world, what’s going well, what’s feeling heavy, etc. 
• Asking your teen about what they’re enjoying these days and what’s annoying them

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10 tools you can immediately use to improve your female identifying teens’ mental health & build resistance against depression & anxiety:

Coming up with a plan (with your teen) to help them stay safe and reduce the risk of self-harm is an important step in how to handle when your teen is self harming. Consider bridging a professional into this conversation if it makes sense for your family.

Try the TTURN acronym to help TTURN things around. 

When I feel _______________________________ and I have the urge to self-harm, I can: 

T – Tell a trusted adult 

(have your teen name 1+ adults they can talk to if they have the urge to self-harm, e.g. parent, teacher, coach, relative, etc.)

T – Tag your triggers 

(ask about things, people, situations, thoughts, and emotions that increase the urge to self-harm)

U – Up your self-care 

(have your teen collaborate on a list of things they enjoy doing or people that bring them comfort, e.g. reading, listening to music, going for tea, hugs, doing their hair, exercising, hanging out with friends, etc.)

R – Replacement behaviours 

(understanding why your teen is using self-harming behaviours will help you come up with alternative behaviours that have less risky consequences. For example, if it is about numbing pain which releases endorphins, look at some behaviours that release endorphins such as, exercising, punching a pillow, eating dark chocolate, laughing, etc.)

N – Negotiating Harm Reduction 

(come up with ways to reduce the risk such as making sharp objects less accessible, having them paint or draw on the body parts instead of injuring, using rubber bands or ice instead of sharp objects, etc.)​

You don’t have to go at this alone. Working with a therapist or trained coach for additional support can be super helpful for you to handle when your teen is self harming. The root cause of self-harming behaviours may be related to managing feelings such as anxiety, fear, stress, anger, depression etc. It may also be related to larger mental health concerns or a lack of coping tools and strategies. A therapist can work alongside your teen (and your family as needed) to help them develop other strategies and offer them a safe place to express their thoughts and emotions.

Information is empowering. If you found this helpful, pass it on by emailing it to a friend or sharing it on your socials- Thanks!

With love, 

Chantal with Pyramid Psychology 

Helping Teen Girls Build Unbreakable Mindsets

www.pyramidpsychology.com

Chantal is a registered psychologist and teen coach working with teen girls around the globe (and their parents) to help them build Unbreakable Mindsets. She helps teen girls who are struggling with their confidence, are feeling anxious, overwhelmed, or shut down a lot of the time, and want things to be different. Most certainly the struggle is affecting their self-image, their relationships, and so importantly their mental wellness. She specializes in:

• Acceptance and Commitment Therapy
• Expressive Arts Therapy
• Compassion Focused Therapy
• Trauma focused (through the expressive arts, progressive counting, trauma sensitive yoga, and narrative approaches)
• Grief and Loss
• Functional Family Therapy
• Nutrition for Mental Health
• Attachment based parenting
• Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR)
• HeartMath

To book with Chantal: BOOK HERE