How to Handle When Your Teen Is Self Harming
Many of the teens I work with have used self-harm as a coping behaviour. Teens sometimes feel full of emotions and thoughts and don’t know who to turn to or how to express them. They might try a range of coping behaviours and sometimes feel like self-harm is one that gives some temporary relief. Like with any coping strategy, there are those that are more effective, those that are less effective, and they all have some tradeoffs (aka consequences). It can be terrifying for parents who discover this and feel unsure of how to help with their teens’ pain and suffering, so it is very beneficial for parents to know how to handle when their teen is self harming.
If you are a concerned parent of a teen who is self-injuring, this information will share some of the what’s, the why’s, and the how’s behind self harming.
WHAT IS SELF-INJURY AND SELF-HARM?
Self-harm and self-injury can be used interchangeably and they are behaviours such as cutting, hitting, scratching, pulling out hair, punching hard objects, etc. that cause injury to one’s body in some way. This is different from participating in a high risk activity that may cause self-injury in that the purpose of self-harming behaviours are to cope with psychological/emotional pain, numbness and overwhelm.
WHY DO PEOPLE SELF-HARM?
We know that self-harming behaviours are used as a coping method to deal with psychological and emotional suffering. Some teens know what thoughts, emotions, and situations trigger the urges to self-harm, others are less aware, or less able to articulate. Feeling numb or void of sensation can also lead to self-injuring behaviour. Sometimes parents will ask me, “is my teen doing this to get attention?”. The short answer is: Yes. But not attention in the way of “look at me” but more so as a plea for support or a way of saying “I’m really struggling right now and I’m not sure how to deal with these emotions/thoughts”.
Parents have also asked me if this means their teen is thinking of suicide. A lot of the time suicide is not the desired outcome. Teens who are self-harming may also have thoughts of suicide, but the self-harming behaviour is not usually intended as a lethal means.
In short, self-harming behaviours are often used as a way to get relief in managing emotional and psychological pain of sorts. Whether it is to numb, express, or release pain or a way of gaining a sense of control over emotional overwhelm. With that being said, nobody knows better than your teen about what their experience is and what is leading them to self-harm, so approaching them with care, compassion and curiosity is the best way to understand.
Some of the tradeoffs (or consequences) of self-harm as a coping method is that it provides temporary relief, meaning the psychological and emotional pain comes back and sometimes with a vengeance, which keeps a person in a cycle of self-harm. Also, physiologically there is a release of neurotransmitters and endorphins that are linked to that sense of relief. The more a person engages in self-harming behaviours, the more the body habituates and people tend to do it more in order to get the same physiological response. This means higher risk in the behaviour which can lead to more dangerous outcomes and unwanted consequences (e.g. infection, scarring, etc.)
HOW YOU CAN HELP WHEN YOUR TEEN IS SELF-HARMING?
The first thing is to take it seriously. The sooner you can respond with caring, compassion, and curiosity, the quicker you can turn around this coping strategy. If your teen is scraping their legs or rubbing themselves really hard in response to a situation, this still warrants your attention. You can help early on and avoid the behaviours from escalating.
Responding with caring, compassion, and curiosity can include:
- Letting your teen know you have noticed the behaviour
- Letting your teen know you love them no matter what
- Letting your teen know you are there to support
- Letting your teen know you are concerned
- Letting your teen know they do not have to feel shame about this but it is important to get some help and get to the root cause
- Letting your teen know you are there for them and want to help
- Letting your teen know a therapist or trained coach can be additional resources
- Asking your teen to tell you about what is leading to the behaviour
- Asking your teen about what’s going on in their world, what’s going well, what’s feeling heavy, etc.
- Asking your teen about what they’re enjoying these days and what’s annoying them
Coming up with a plan (with your teen) to help them stay safe and reduce the risk of self-harm is an important step in how to handle when your teen is self harming. Consider bridging a professional into this conversation if it makes sense for your family.
Try the TTURN acronym to help TTURN things around.
When I feel _______________________________ and I have the urge to self-harm, I can:
T – Tell a trusted adult
(have your teen name 1+ adults they can talk to if they have the urge to self-harm, e.g. parent, teacher, coach, relative, etc.)
T – Tag your triggers
(ask about things, people, situations, thoughts, and emotions that increase the urge to self-harm)
U – Up your self-care
(have your teen collaborate on a list of things they enjoy doing or people that bring them comfort, e.g. reading, listening to music, going for tea, hugs, doing their hair, exercising, hanging out with friends, etc.)
R – Replacement behaviours
(understanding why your teen is using self-harming behaviours will help you come up with alternative behaviours that have less risky consequences. For example, if it is about numbing pain which releases endorphins, look at some behaviours that release endorphins such as, exercising, punching a pillow, eating dark chocolate, laughing, etc.)
N – Negotiating Harm Reduction
(come up with ways to reduce the risk such as making sharp objects less accessible, having them paint or draw on the body parts instead of injuring, using rubber bands or ice instead of sharp objects, etc.)
You don’t have to go at this alone. Working with a therapist or trained coach for additional support can be super helpful for you to handle when your teen is self harming. The root cause of self-harming behaviours may be related to managing feelings such as anxiety, fear, stress, anger, depression etc. It may also be related to larger mental health concerns or a lack of coping tools and strategies. A therapist can work alongside your teen (and your family as needed) to help them develop other strategies and offer them a safe place to express their thoughts and emotions.
Information is empowering. If you found this helpful, pass it on by emailing it to a friend or sharing it on your socials- Thanks!
With love,
Chantal with Pyramid Psychology
Helping Teen Girls Build Unbreakable Mindsets
To book with Chantal: BOOK HERE
What I would tell my younger self (younger sibling). When I ask this question 9 times out of 10, teens tell me their advice for their younger person would be to wait as long as they can before they start using social media, to avoid platforms that constantly show them videos and pictures they compare themselves to, and to enjoy things outside of screen time.
Hello, my name is Tara, and I am a graduate student in counselling, I will be doing my practicum at Pyramid Psychology and I am very excited to practice all the skills I have learned as well as develop new relationships.
