12 Jul

Anxiety, Confidence, For Parents, For Teens

Anxiety and Choice

May 17, 2022
By admin

Is your teen’s anxiety stopping them from living the life they want to live? How to help teens choose in spite of anxiety.

Photo from Canva Pro

Anxiety, Stress & Pressure on Today’s Generation of Teens

Today’s youth are experiencing high amounts of stress and pressure, leading to levels of anxiety we haven’t seen in previous generations. A huge part of this increase is the copious amounts of information that youth are exposed to today. There is so much more information available – on social, political, and global issues – that is consistently and constantly being filtered through their brains.

The way I see it is that it is wonderful that youth today know far more about many topics including mental health and wellness than previous generations did at their age… We have a group of young people who are more informed and aware than ever before. This awareness leads to a lot of desire for justice, and an inclination to stand up for things that are important to them. Empathy has grown as youth have been exposed to world issues as well – they generally feel deeply and have a lot of concern for their friends and others in the world.

The flip side of this is that all this information available to teens leads to a lot of anxiety, questions, and general confusion about many things. The teen brain is already undergoing a lot of changes naturally and depending on their age and development, teens are still learning how to make sense and respond to the world in various areas: decision making, perspective taking, and judgement/rationalization to name a few. Their brain is being overloaded with information to filter through on top of the wiring already going on.

This often brings up a lot of really profound questions – existential anxiety around “how do I fit into the world? Who am I? What’s my purpose? What’s the point of all this? etc.”

As parents, being aware of this increased stress and pressure is a helpful resource in supporting your teen manage anxiety and stop it from hijacking their lives.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Anxiety Impacts Decisions and Choices

It is natural for teens to have nerves about some things (all of us really!), like trying new things. It is concerning when the anxiety begins to impact the decisions and choices teens are making.

Consider how anxiety affects your teen.

Does it get in the way of doing things they want to do?
Does it stop them from trying out for the team, talking to that new person, or signing up for a new class?
Are fears and anxieties constantly at play in their lives, causing them to worry about messing up or being judged?
What decisions or choices are being made as a result of anxiety?

When anxiety hijacks or hooks our thoughts, it acts as a barrier/blockade to things we actually want to be doing.

These are all questions you can ask yourself, and even your teen directly, to begin understanding how anxiety is impacting them right now.

Photo from Canva Pro

Choice Point and Anxiety

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT therapy) uses a framework to help look at different situations, problems, thoughts, and feelings that teens encounter and see the choice possibilities. There are many possibilities but ultimately they are categorized into two main choices, thoughts, feelings, and behaviours – things that move them away from the person they want to be – AKA being hijacked or hooked by anxious feelings and thoughts – OR thoughts, feelings, and behaviours that move them towards the kind of person they want to be; unhooked from anxiety. When a teen is moving towards, they are behaving the way they want to behave, in alignment with what is important to them; their values (more on this in another blog post!)

Photo from www.actmindfully.com.au

Let’s say your teen is interested in signing up for a new art class. The idea of the choice point is to explore the the decision to be made and bring awareness to what guides their choices. Let’s say your teen really wants to take the class but also feels nervous about it. What kind of thoughts and feelings come up when they think about that art class?

What if they think – “It could be interesting, sounds fun.” They feel excited and curious and they will learn more about painting, a new interest of theirs. This would be considered a move towards what the teen wants – which is to attend the class. This is when they are choosing to unhook from anxious and nervous thoughts and feelings.

What if they think “I don’t know anyone else, I’m nervous to go, and what if I’m not any good?” This might lead them to getting hooked by these nervous thoughts and feelings and move away from what they actually want

This idea of being hooked/unhooked comes up a lot for older teens when they are applying for a job. They WANT the job – it’s a great opportunity to meet new people, have some independence, make some money etc. But the anxious part of their brain hooks them and begins to affect the choice they make.

Hooking thoughts can take the form of ‘what if’ questions – “What if I mess up the interview? What if I don’t get hired? What if I do get hired, but nobody wants to talk to me?” Emotions that may go along with these thoughts are feeling anxious, stressed, bad, or down on yourself. Behaviours could look like procrastination, making excuses for not applying, irritability with people around them – snapping when parents ask about the job hunt, etc.

The choice point is a way of looking at any situation, problem, or thought and knowing that they

Photo from Canva Pro

have the power to choose and ask important questions like “am I letting anxiety run my life here?”. It is a way of recognizing when decisions are moving them away from who they want to be – when their thoughts, behaviours, and feelings are not aligned with what they actually want to do or what’s important to them.

As parents, it’s important to recognize what being hooked by anxiety can look like for your teen. What are some of the behaviours and feelings your teen is expressing?

The other side of the choice point is to also recognize what it looks like when your teen is moving towards doing the things they actually want to do, and being the person they want to be – being unhooked from the anxiety. They want the job, and instead of moving away from it, they might ask “If I were moving towards the job, what would I do?” –

I would apply, go for the interview, be confident in my abilities to do these things, etc.
Even if I don’t get the job I can let them know who I am and what I’m good at.
I can practice in the interview.
What would it feel like to be courageous and give it a try? To get the job and make new friends, to have independence with money?
It could be exciting, and fun! It could boost my confidence!
It will feel good.

Look at both sides and know that when a teen encounters a situation, a challenge, or a tricky thought/feeling that there are really only two ways to go – we can let ourselves get hooked with the things that pull us away from who we want to be (hooked by anger, anxiety, stress) OR we can acknowledge those thoughts and feelings and choose to unhook ourselves and actually make the decision – the choice – that is more aligned with the person we want to be.

It’s quite powerful for teens to see that they have a choice. That they can map out a decision and see what might happen if they do this, vs that. How they’d like to move forward as a person becomes apparent.

Photo from Canva Pro

Anxiety and The Happiness Pill Program

The Happiness Pill program is a 6-month coaching program for teens (and their parents) that is meant to empower teens to know THEY can make these choices. To clearly see that any kind of problem they face can be a decision or a choice they can make towards living the life they want. The program focuses on learning this and many other skills so they can choose the life they want to live, and be in alignment with who they want to be.

If this is something that you see value in for your teen, email us at info@pyramidpsychology.com for more information.

Love,

Chantal

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with. If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

14 Jun

Confidence, Friendships

4 Conversation Tips for Teens: Getting Past the Shy

May 17, 2022
By admin

Photo by Vince Fleming on Unsplash

A lot of teens have been saying to me lately that they are unsure how to start up conversations with people or keep conversations going. If feeling shy is part of the issue, this blog article with conversation tips is for you!

Here are the four tips on how to better your conversations, meet people and feel more confident:

Conversation Tips #1: Pay Attention to Your Inner Critic/Voice

What is your self-talk saying to you? What labels does it give you? I’ve heard teens that I work with say ‘I’m shy, I’ll just screw up, I don’t know what to talk about, etc.” Pay attention to the messages your inner critic is saying about your ability to have conversations.

Once you have awareness of that, you can start to think about what your goal is when it comes to talking to others. What do you want to be able to do in your conversation with others? What would it be like to have a good conversation?

Photo by Anne Nygard on Unsplash

Try the following ladder exercise to begin changing what your inner critic is saying and increase your confidence with conversations.

First, imagine someone who is really good at conversations – Is it someone you know? A friend or an adult in your life? What do you notice about the way they have conversations? What are some things they are saying? What do you imagine their inner voice says to them about talking to others. Some examples of things they might be thinking or saying: ‘I’m a people person, I have lots to say, I’m confident, I’ve got this, I’m good at talking to people, etc.’

Picture a ladder, with the top of the ladder representing your ideal thought about having conversations; the version of you that is great at talking to others is at the top of the ladder!

Take a look at that ladder and think about where your thoughts are right now – maybe they are somewhere in the middle or towards the bottom – and imagine each rung is one step closer to being a confident conversationalist.

There are two things needed to move up the ladder (picture needing both hands to climb a real ladder – you move your left hand up, and then your right, left, right, etc.) Your left hand is like your inner game; When you practice changing what your inner voice is saying, to more confident thoughts. Your right is the tactile game; actually going out and doing the talking/practicing.

Conversation Tips #2: Ask Questions or Share A Compliment

Some tactile tips that teens have shared with me are:

Tip #1 Ask a question (people generally like talking about themselves). Be curious about them! Asking open-ended questions is helpful here, which are questions that can’t be answered with a “yes” or “no” like Did you see that movie? Try instead, What movies have you watched lately? What did you like best about the book we read in class? How did you figure out the assignment today?

Tip #2 Compliment someone. It has to be an authentic, genuine compliment. Really faking it will be felt by the other person. But if you see something you like that someone is wearing or doing, it’s okay to say it. Something like “that’s a really cool t-shirt, did you buy it at ….? No? Where did you buy it?”

Conversation Tips #3: Scroll Social Media for Topics to Talk About

Another thing I’m hearing teens say is that they don’t have anything interesting to say. This is where social media can be your sidekick! If you’re interested in specific topics like politics, social justice, sci-fi, fashion, exercise, environmentalism, etc., you can look them up and find information so you have things to chat about. It doesn’t matter what you’re drawn to, scrolling a bit can help you find things that interest you so you have something to bring to the conversation. You don’t have to know everything about it. Just a little.

If you’re still a little stuck, here are 120+ conversation starters by Cheeky Kid to get you started! Remembering just a few of these will be a helpful conversation tool to have in your back pocket.

Conversation Tips #4: Get Out of Your Head

Once you’ve worked on your inner critic and have some topics to discuss, you’ll be using your right hand on your ladder (remember that’s the tactile side) to practice real conversations.

Sometimes while we’re in a conversation we get stuck in our head. So we’re worried about what we’re going to say instead of listening to what the other person says. And often if we actually listen to the other person, that can be enough to get us to the next level.

Photo by Alex Quezada on Unsplash

If you’re in your head thinking “what am I going to say next, what am I going to say next” it can be a slippery slope.

Stop and listen. Be in the moment. Some ways you can stay present are:

Take a deep breath.
Push your feet against the ground and notice the feeling.
Focus on a physical feature of the person – look at their eyes or their lips for example.
Try out the mindful/being present exercises in this article by Positive Psychology to make being present a common part of your life.

If you love to read, I recommend checking out The Teen’s Guide to Social Skills: Practical Advice for Building Empathy, Self-Esteem, and Confidence.

And remember to BE YOU! There’s nobody quite like you. If you need a little reminder on why being you is the best way to be, you can read my article The Social Chameleon: 10 Reasons Why You Want to Be Yourself.

Love,
Chantal

If you found this post helpful, pass it on by emailing a friend or sharing it on Twitter or Facebook – thank you!

Chantal Côté, R.Psych, Pyramid Psychology – helping older children, teens, and young adults learn how to build bulletproof mindsets.

28 Sep

Confidence, Emotions, For Parents, For Teens, Relationships

Teen Attitude – How much of it is typical and what can be “corrected”?

May 17, 2022
By admin

The snarky No’s and endless attitude of living with teen attitude can be hurtful and hard to take some days. What if you have 3 teens or 5 for that matter! If you are looking to survive the teen years, while hanging on to the great things in your relationship, read on:

Don’t take it personally– Don’t Read this when you are arguing with your teen because otherwise you will skip this post altogether. The eye rolls, attitude, sarcasm, testing limits, it’s pretty much all typical and expected. **Note I didn’t say easy.

Some parents have asked me if they should let their teen know they don’t appreciate the tone or the behaviours. For the most part, I recommend letting it be and deciding which are the battles worth fighting for. I think you can bring it up if you are saying it from a neutral place (so maybe the next day). There may be a chance that they hear that and think twice next time, but that’s a bonus, not the goal.

Self-Care for you–You are the adult and you have more experience and more access to your fully wired brain (most of the time). The more you take the time to care for yourself, the more you are able to let things roll off your back and it pays off for everyone. I have a pretty non-negotiable morning routine that includes meditation and a workout to help me be more even keeled throughout the day. What do you do ?

Photo by Eric Mok on Unsplash

Practice your ABC’s –

Attentively listen
Boundaries
Connect

Even when there is teen attitude going on, hear their concerns, ask about them and really listen. Stick to your boundaries. You are going to have some hard No’s based on your values and beliefs as a parent. If you are coming from a place of love they are important to have. Above all, connect. Let them know you hear the suck and the struggle.

Know all of this is part of an important developmental milestone – Teens develop important skills like cooperation, problem solving, and negotiation by essentially acting out to some degree. For better or worse, you are the identified safe ground to try out these skills – including teen attitude. To get the thinking brain at work here you can try a paraphrase once in a while, “so what I heard you say is everyone you play games with is fine with being cursed at and talked down to”.

Photo from Canva Pro

Allow yourself thinking time– When your teen is throwing their teen attitude around, it’s ok to say “we are not having this discussion right now with us being so angry”. It’s ok to walk away (maybe not storm away) and come back to things, even if it’s the next day. Don’t ever let nagging cause you to cave on things that you have a hard line on.

Keep these in mind to help you shift your perspective and know your teen may be having a hard not giving you a hard time. Let the weight drop off you like sandbags and embrace self-love as a parent choosing to show

If you found this post helpful, pass it on by emailing a friend or sharing it on Twitter or Facebook- Thanks!

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with. If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

14 Sep

Confidence, For Parents, For Teens, Relationships

Do you trust your teen: talking parental controls

May 17, 2022
By admin

You know those apps that allow you to block, see and track your teens digital usage?

I’ve heard from many teens that parental controls feel restrictive and kinda disrespectful. Teens are bright and find creative ways to get around or disable these tools.

Ok.
Are you freaking out a bit?

It’s simply not a clear cut answer of whether or not parents should use parental controls on devices. What it boils down to are your intentions and how your decisions are supporting your teen to develop-

Critical thinking
Responsibility
Choice making skills

Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

If you want to have a respectful relationship with your teen, even if they won’t like all your decisions, let’s dive into this parental control idea.

Imagine this analogy: When you go tobogganing (living in Canada here, thinking of snow!) you will see kids with snow pants, no snow pants, helmets, no helmets, some taking insane jumps and others sliding down cautiously.

Internet safety is a part of parenting to help teach your kids the behaviours you think will line them up for safety and success just like any other potentially dangerous activity.

Digital Citizenship

Online communities are like in person communities in that there are responsibilities social norms and folks that behave in all kinds of ways.

Photo by Creative Christians on Unsplash

Educating your teen on digital citizenship starts with You. Understand the 7 key areas:

Empathy
How the Internet works
Understanding user data
Practicing digital literacy
Acknowledging the digital divide
Practicing digital wellness
Securing digital devices

Chris Zook goes into more detail on each on these here

By having conversations with your teen (yes multiple conversations ) about the online world, you are building trust, responsibility and their ability to make informed choices.

And listen they’re gonna mess up because that’s how humans discover, learn and grow in this world.

Age Matters

Conversations on how to use the internet safely need to begin as soon as your kiddos start using technology. Now of course, what you will say to a 4-year old is going to be completely different then talking to your 13-year old.

Talk to your teens about what they are seeing, who they are interacting with, and what is catching their attention online. This is a huge insight into their world and what is important to them right now.

Photo by Julia Coimbra on Unsplash

Ask yourself, “what’s my intention?” If it’s to block all potentially disturbing content and track your teen’s online behaviours, you may see this backfiring on developing a respectful relationship with them.

Perhaps you are in a situation where parental monitoring is a big challenge right now? You have your specific reasons for considering parental controls.

Photo by Michael Jeffery on Unsplash

It is so important that you consider what actions you are going to take to continue building trust and develop your teen’s ability to make smart choices and take responsibility.

Talk to them about why you are making internet use decisions and be prepared to hear their concerns. Help them by connecting your reasoning to their hopes and goals (e.g. if they wanna get good grades, sleep and reduced tech use before bed will help them reach this).

Consider flexibility within the controls.

No matter what decision you make, you will Stay in your teen’s squad if you approach it relationship first.

If you found this post helpful, pass it on by emailing a friend or sharing it on Twitter or Facebook- Thanks!

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with. If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

07 Aug

Confidence, Emotions, For Parents, For Teens, Teen Joy

10 Rules for Being Confident When Talking to Others That Your Teens Need to Know

May 17, 2022
By admin

I have heard from many teens I work with – I don’t get how people are so confident when talking to others. ⁣Variations of this wondering brings me back to when I was younger and my teen self totally relates- sometimes even now I still do.

It can be hard to talk to others, especially new people. If you feel shy sometimes, you’ve probably had your mind go blank in the middle of a conversation, feeling your face grow hot, and feeling at a loss to keep going.

Photo by Canva

Great News: Confidence is a skill. ⁣
⁣
Sure, some people struggle less with confidence for various reasons (brain wiring, genetics, environment) but confidence is something you can train every day, like a muscle, for it to become stronger. ⁣

Practice by sticking to these 10 rules:

1. 𝐊𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐅𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐋𝐨𝐠𝐢𝐜– when you feel nervous or worried about what others are thinking, your flight or fight takes over. The best antidote is to bring your thinking brain back online. Try being extra logical about your fear beforehand- what’s the worst that can happen and then what, what has changed?⁣

Photo by Canva

2. 𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨𝐩𝐢𝐜𝐬– A little each day and diversify. Find one or two things you find interesting. These can help you start small talk which is often the hardest part of conversation⁣ with others.
⁣
3. 𝐀𝐬𝐤 𝐨𝐩𝐞𝐧 𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐝 𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬– When you are talking with someone to help keep the conversation going, use some open ended questions- What do you think? What’s your favourite? How do you? And, listen- don’t be getting ready for the next thing you’re going to say in your head⁣.

4. 𝐁𝐞 𝐚𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐭𝐥𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐞𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐜𝐭– The “oh crap everyone is looking at me” effect- research says you overestimate on average 2x the amount of people who are actually noticing you in any given moment⁣.
⁣
5.𝗪𝐢𝐠𝐠𝐥𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐭𝐨𝐞𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫𝐬– keeping yourself present and connected to your body will help with checked out nerves⁣.

6. 𝐔𝐬𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐒𝐩𝐨𝐤𝐞𝐬 𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐝– Imagine a conversation like a bike wheel. The topic is the centre of the wheel and all the possible conversations are the spokes. If the main topic is something you know little about, that is OK . Think of things that are related to the topic and questions you can ask. ⁣

Photo by James Mason on Unsplash

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For example, someone starts talking about Crossfit, your conversation spokes might be- working out, exercise routines, staying healthy, personal challenges and some questions might be – what do you like about Crossfit? When did you start ? ⁣How does it work?

7. 𝐓𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐋𝐚𝐝𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐄𝐱𝐞𝐫𝐜𝐢𝐬𝐞– You can go from “I suck at talking to others” to “I am confident to have a conversation with anyone”. Imagine your thoughts as if they were on rungs of a ladder. The first one (I suck) is on the bottom rung and the ultimate one (I am confident) at the top. Now map out 3-4 other thoughts that would be between these two. Practice them one rung at a time, starting at the second rung until each feels more believable before moving to the next⁣.
⁣
8. 𝐋𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐞𝐝𝐢𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬– try some related to confidence and grounding⁣.

Photo by Nalau Nobel on Unsplash

9. 𝐊𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐄𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐬 𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞⁣- everyone has things that are out of their comfort zone and some things that feel downright terrifying. You are not alone in your experience and most people have some level of questioning their confidence when it comes to talking to others in some contexts.
⁣
10.𝐏𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐞 𝐏𝐨𝐰𝐞𝐫 𝐏𝐨𝐬𝐞– your body language affects how you feel percent. What we know about an expansive posture is that it helps you breathe in a way that relaxes your nervous system and helps reduce stress. So 30 seconds every day, stand tall with your hands on your hips- kind of like Wonder Woman ⁣

Practice these 10 rules and talking to others will become the least of your stressors.

If you found this post helpful, pass it on by emailing a friend or sharing it on Twitter or Facebook- Thanks!

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.