31 Jan
Emotions, For Parents, For Teens, Teen Joy

Get Out Of My Life – What To Do When Your Teen-Parent Relationship Is Feeling Distant

I really enjoy reading. So much so that I have stacks piling up beside my bed of books I would love to read when I’ve got a minute. When I came across this title (still on my pile) Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall? by Anthony E. Wolf – I laughed and thought “oooh that’s a keeper”.

Photo by Canva

Once I’ve read this one, I’ll give more feedback on the content, but for now I have to say that I have heard a variance of this message from dozens of parents I work with: “my teen is distant”, “my teen doesn’t want to talk to me unless they need something”, or “whenever I ask her (him) about something they just get upset”. Sound familiar? You are not alone!

So if your teen is wanting to cut their hair a certain way, no longer liking the things you like, or is shutting you out of certain parts, you are in full swing individuation. Individuation leads to self-identity and independence and these are best nurtured by having warm, caring adults who are available to guide and let go. Parenting during individuation is like throwing a boomerang. Allowing them to get out there and make mistakes while learning who they are AND knowing they can and will come back for some of that love and safety.

So how do you throw the boomerang so that it will come back? I mean really how do you do that!? Because I had a boomerang as a child and I went to get it WAY more than it came back to me!!!

A better question is, how do you connect with your teen and give them space to grow their own self-identity?

Photo by Hannah Busing on Unsplash

Connecting On Their Terms

I’m not suggesting you stop everything at the drop of a hat and focus solely on your teenager when they request it. However, I am kind of suggesting you stop everything at the drop of a hat and focus solely on your teenager when they request it.

​It is important to take the time to really acknowledge and listen when your teen is engaging with you. If they have a friend problem they are struggling with or an issue at school that’s bothering them and they want to talk about it, possibly at that most inconvenient time for you, other things can probably wait. And if the thing absolutely can’t wait, bookmark the conversation with your teen and let them know how important it is for you by being really clear about when you will free up time just for them (as soon as possible).

Another way of connecting with teens on their terms is in taking a genuine interest in their stuff. What type of music are they listening to? Which streamers are they watching? Who are their friends? Which sports team are they rooting for? You don’t have to love what they love. Taking a genuine interest is about understanding what they are into and why they connect to these things. It will give you some insight into their values, beliefs, and world.

Photo by Bui Thanh Tam on Unsplash

Connecting Creatively

Finding creative ways to spend some time together is important. A parent shared with me that once a week their teen and them will each write down two things they enjoy doing and throw those options in a hat. They pull out one and that is the thing they do together that afternoon. Sometimes they are hiking and sometimes they are gaming together. Moments of connection can be specific times that are dedicated like this example and they can also be spontaneous in the moment interactions. Being genuinely interested and curious about their lives and asking questions that invite them to share snippets keep that connection going.

A mentor of mine once shared that asking a teen to complain about something is a great point of connection. I sometimes ask teens, “so who is the teacher that drives you the most crazy?” or “what is it that you are not liking at school right now?” I am certainly not an advocate of focusing solely on the struggle, but it is incredible how willing and open a person can be if given a chance to talk about things that are relevant to them.

Being creative about ways to create connection allows flexibility and more opportunities. If sitting down and having a heart to heart is out of the question, maybe a little teasing and laughter is the touchpoint or a car drive to get a treat.

Photo by Logan Weaver on Unsplash

Love On Them Always

At every opportunity, let your teen know they are loved. Individuation is about pulling away to form self-identity but it is not about shutting off the love valve. Even if your teen’s backtalk and eye rolls are not what you would call languages of love, they are human and still need love, warmth, and connection in their lives. I’m a fan of using the words “I love you”. I send my message of love to my kids with words, text messages, notes, etc.

You can also consider learning your teen’s love language. The work on the 5 Love Languages developed by Dr. Gary Chapman, helps people understand how they give and receive love with others. Understanding your teen’s love language and your own can help you foster a relationship with your teen that is connected.  You and your teen can do the quiz here.

Photo by Martins Zemlickis on Unsplash

Communication and Conversations

When the boomerang comes back, there will be many opportunities to support and teach. Keep the flow of communication open and create opportunities to plant seeds for the future. Keeping the flow of communication open requires that you:
​

  • Listen. My friend shared with me the other day, “you’ve got two 2 ears and one mouth so that you can listen twice as much”
  • Respect their individuality. Be ok with differences and disagreements on thoughts, opinions, and feelings.
  • Be clear about expectations. Have clarity and discussions around family rules, behaviours, and limit setting.
  • Allow your teen to make mistakes. These are often the most precious teachable moments.
  • Help them problem solve and take responsibility.
  • Give them space and some privacy.

In the push-pull of the teen boomerang years, remember that you are still very much needed.

Where did you rebel in the name of individuation in your teen years?

Love,
Chantal

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

17 Jan
Emotions, For Parents, For Teens, Teen Joy

Everything You Need To Know About School Transitions

Photo by Vasily Koloda on Unsplash

Whether you are jumping up to junior high, have just moved to a new school, or are preparing to start the world of “adulting”, school transitions are no joke. They are the epitome of change and stretching yourself into a world of unknown. 

When I was in grade 8, my dad got a job in a different city. Our family moved in the middle of the year. I still remember the feeling of walking into class on that first day at a new school, wearing my new floral bodysuit (yeah they were cool then) and feeling like I was going to throw up. My long time best friend says to me she remembers how pale I was that morning, “almost translucent”. That’s about how I felt. If I could have disappeared that day, I would have. The first few weeks were pretty rough and I spent a lot of time crying in the bathroom. But then things slowly got better. I started to make friends. I started to settle in. And those horrifying first few weeks didn’t feel as big and terrible anymore. 

It wasn’t all bad. I made some amazing friends, laughed a lot, and found some things I was good at. Best of all, I got through this thing that was really tough for me and I survived and that helped build my confidence in knowing I could handle some tough things. 

If you are in a transition year or you have just started at a new school, and your brain is freaking out, here are some strategies that will make things smoother. I’ve broken it down into 4 categories- Elementary to Junior High, Junior to Senior high (or High School), Grade 12 is almost over, and just moved to a new school.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Elementary To Junior High

This one can be a doozy. Not only are you typically going to a new school, but you also have to contend with class changes, combination locks, no more recess, and starting as the youngest in the pecking order of your new school.

On top of that, your body is rapidly hitting you with hormone and physical changes. So fun! … Not really.

First off, the bad news. Research tells us that many students transitioning from elementary to junior high experience a drop in their self-esteem and grades as well as an increase in anxiety and school absences. You may have fears around bullying or getting lost as you get used to the school and how everything works. Then there’s how to make friends, fitting in, and how to get all your work done. It’s a lot of change. A LOT.

The good news. You are not alone and these are really normal responses. The even better news: there are things you can do to help this change feel easier.

Photo by Andrea Tummons on Unsplash

1. Make a friend (the good kind). Find someone who likes some of the things you do or who is part of a club or group that you are also in. Maybe it’s someone who sits next to you in class and seems kind. Not sure how to make friends? Click here for some ideas! I like to start with asking questions about them and the things they like, smiling, or giving a sincere compliment to break the ice.

2. Join a group or club. At the time of writing this blog, this part may be tricky because a lot of programs are on hold. If your school has a club or a group that meets up at lunch and you are even remotely curious, join! What have you got to lose? You may learn that you really like something new and will probably make a friend or two. If there aren’t any clubs, consider starting one (e.g. drama club, mindfulness, craft, social change, just to name a few).

Photo by This Is Engineering on Unsplash

3. Size up the teachers and find some you can trust. I know there are some teachers out there that seem like they are out to make you suffer, but there are others that really care and want to know about you and your life. Find those that you click with and make a point to talk to them on a regular basis.

4. Practice using a lock ahead of time. Believe it or not, figuring how to open a combination lock is one of students’ top fears when transitioning to junior high. Ask your parents to buy you a lock and start practicing. It will be one less thing for you to worry about on your first day of grade 7.

5. Visit your junior high before you start. Ask your parent(s) to set up an opportunity for you to visit the school and meet with staff. Your school may already be offering something like this.

Photo by Nguyen Khanh Ly on Unsplash

6. Pick your options as soon as possible. You will likely have some option classes that will give you a chance to learn some new skills. As soon as you can, pick your favourite options to make it more likely that you will get those. Then you will have something to look forward to in those moments where everything is feeling a bit scary and awkward.

7. Watch some junior high movies (Warning, movies are not always an accurate picture of the junior high experience, so take everything with a grain of salt and maybe a couple laughs or tears). Here are a few examples:
a) Max Keeble’s Big Move
b) Akeelah and the Bee
c) Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life
d) Diary of a Wimpy Kid
e) 8th grade

Photo by Jeffrey F Lin on Unsplsh

8. Talk to your parents about school. Let them know what you like and don’t like. They were grade 7 students once upon a time (Parents, if you’re reading this, give your teen some time to complain about the things they aren’t loving and share about the things they are).

9. Have a hobby or after school thing. Again at the time of writing this, it may be a bit tricky to have these things going. Be a part of something you enjoy and have connections to others (e.g. sports, art, girl guides, etc.)

10. Get to know your school counsellor. Most junior highs have a school counsellor. They can be a great resource to check in with and help you solve problems. Think of them as a bit of a coach or a guide that is there for you when you need.

Here is an extra read if being forgetful of new things is something you’re worried about.

Photo by Ellery Sterling on Unsplash

Junior High to High School

Things can get dicey here and in a way feel familiar (oh good ole grade 7 transition all over again, but not really!) High school brings new stressors and pressures to achieve school success, more academic demands trying to balance responsibilities like work and school, a lot more exposure to drugs, alcohol, sex, and dating, and starting to think about your future.

That’s a mouthful and it’s a complex web of social, psychological, and emotional experiences to navigate. 

Parents, there are a couple articles you can read on this here and here. 
​
Teens, pull out your road map because this journey requires a little bit of guidance along the way:
​
 1. Brush up on your social skills. You will have tons of new experiences in high school and some repeat experiences. It is good to know how to say ‘No’, how to start a conversation, how to act at a party, and how to navigate relationships and sex issues. Check out this checklist (thank you www.learningforapurpose.com!) and see how comfortable you are in these 50 different social skills for teens.

Photo by Eliott Reyna on Unsplash

2. Know your supports. Who are the adults in your life that you can talk to? Who are the people your age you can talk to? Where can you look for the answers to some of your questions? Having an idea of where to go for support can be super helpful.

3. Make a friend. Find someone who likes some of the things you do or who is part of a club, sports team or group that you are also in, or maybe someone who sits next to you in your biology class and seems kind. Not sure how to make friends? Check this out.

4. Class choices. Plan ahead, talk to your parent(s), teachers, and school counsellor before starting high school and map out your class choices. You may have a plan of what you want to do later on or have no clue. Plan to leave as many doors open as you can without causing unsurmountable stress.

Photo by Jeffrey F Lin on Unsplash

5. Go to the high school beforehand. Oftentimes there will be tours or open house events at various high schools. Go to a few and compare your options. Get a feel for the school, the staff, and the programs they offer.

6. Get involved. Try out for the school sports team or join a club at school. This can help you connect with like-minded people and build your confidence.

7. Give yourself a pep talk yourself. It can be easy to get caught up in the “high school is hard” nightmare. Adults in your life may commiserate with you in “high school being the worst years of my life”. That isn’t always the case and it doesn’t need to be the case. You get to decide what to make of these years. Give yourself a pep talk and encourage yourself to make the most of this time and know that you’ve got this… One day at a time.

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8. Connect with the school counsellor. The school counsellor can be a really helpful resource to talk about now problems, future problems, or just to check-in. They can be a wealth of knowledge so take advantage of their availability.

9. Master your study skills. Get really good at figuring out what works for you. Block specific times for studying. Have a usual space to do work. Find accountability and study buddies. There are many strategies, so start honing in on the ones that work best for you​!

10. Get to know You. This time in your life is all about gaining independence from the nest (your family) and a process called individuation (who am I?) Take time to learn about yourself, what you like, don’t like, what kind of people you want to surround yourself with, your dreams and hopes, talents and skills, etc. Give yourself opportunities to try new things and take some risks (maybe not the dangerous might kill you kind) to help you better get to know yourself. Check out this article I wrote on all the reasons why being You, is the best thing to be!

Photo by Keith Luke on Unsplash

High School is Almost Over

When high school is coming to a close it can mark a really significant period in a teen’s life. This is where adulting comes into play and some people say it is like stepping into the real world. Students nowadays have options like taking a gap year, going to post-secondary (college, university, trade school), or entering the workforce. There are a lot of options and it can sometimes feel overwhelming. The next 10 ideas are going to help you know what steps to take.

You may also want to check out “Race to Nowhere”, a documentary (2010) that was created to get our society to start critically thinking and challenging our current thoughts around how we teach our young generations to prepare for success.

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

1. Self-care. There are more responsibilities, loads of new experiences and more big decisions to make, so “filling your bucket” is important. Take social media breaks, get outdoors, spend time with the important people in your life, practice gratitude, and take regular breaks.

2. Advocacy. Be aware of your learning style, your strengths and needs when it comes to learning. Being able to advocate for yourself becomes more important as you increase your independence. As you prepare to advocate for yourself, run your script past a trusted adult or a friend first to help with the process.

3. Get all the freebies. Attend orientations and seminars whenever you can. It will give you an opportunity to see what it is like on various campuses you are considering. Scope out campus websites and maybe attend some free events on campus before you select your post-secondary institution to really get a feel for things.

Photo by Designecologist on Unsplash

4. Talk to adults about adulting. It can be helpful to ask questions and learn about what it’s like after high school from those that are living it. Caution – don’t let that hold you back from your own dreams and ideas about life after high school. Some ways of doing this are through job shadowing opportunities, volunteering, talking to the adults in your life, talking to a career counsellor, etc.

5. Have fun. This is a special time in life where there are so many opportunities. Embrace the independence and the experiences that can be fun and adventurous.

6. Grow. As you complete high and move towards the next step in your journey, there will be moments when you will find yourself thinking- “Oh I don’t know how to do that” or “I don’t know how to manage this.” One thing Luki Danukarjanto writes in their blog to try is adding the word YET to some of these thoughts as a way of adding possibility and compassion to your mind as you grow into new experiences. E.g. Oh I don’t know how to do that yet. I’m not sure how to manage this yet. Sounds different right?!

Photo by Greg Rosenke on Unsplash

7. Time audit. This can be a great exercise to do as you go into any transition. Try grabbing some markers. Imagine that each represents 1 hour of your day. Give yourself 24 markers and break it down into the different things that you do. Having a visual and seeing how many hours you spend at school, with friends, doing your hobby, sleeping, etc. can be a real eye opener and guide to where you might want to make some changes.

 8. Friend audit. The transition between high school and the next chapter can be a great opportunity to appreciate and deepen the important friendships in your life, to let go of some friendships that are not really supporting you, and to develop some new ones.

9. Contribute. Spend some time volunteering or helping out in some way in your community or at your post-secondary school. It feels good to contribute to a cause you care about it and feel like you’re a part of something bigger. It can also be a great place to meet new people and may open some doors for your future.

10. Gather your team. Figure out who is going to be a part of your support team- parents, counsellors, coaches, mentors, friends, etc.

Photo by Miguel Castellanos on Unsplash

Just Moved To A New School

When it comes to moving to a new school midyear, most of the strategies above can apply to help you. Take it one day at a time. Give yourself some encouragement, some yet statements (I haven’t made any friends yet), and some time to get settled. It will get better. And if it doesn’t, there are always choices and options.

Share this with someone you know who is about to make a school transition.

Love,
Chantal

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

19 Dec
Emotions, For Parents, For Teens, Teen Joy

The Pandemic is Making Teens Sad: What To Do About It

Photo by Aliyah Jamous on Unsplash

So many parents have been saying to me lately, “my teen is just really sad” and “my teen just doesn’t have any motivation”. Their lives have been flipped upside down with the lack of social interaction with friends, group programs and sports teams on hold, constant changes happening in their schools and here in Calgary contending with a lockdown. It is not an easy time for anyone, let alone teens who are developmentally wired to be seeking independence from their families and social engagement with their peers. To add to this, we are in a time of mass communication and teens are fed information at lightning speed on all kinds of topics and important issues that their developing brains somehow need to make sense of.

There are many things at play that are impacting how teens are navigating and coping with the current state of things. I am just skimming the surface. This is not the first generation to face massive changes and hardship.

We are in a time of opportunity; the opportunity to look at how to help teens learn new ways to cope with what is going on in their world and learn how to surf the waves instead of drowning. If you are ready to seize this opportunity, here are a few ideas that you can try.

 

Photo by Kristina Tripkovic on Unsplash

Grief and Loss

As 2020 winds down, I am aware of such a level of grief and loss of the way things used to be. Although some days, my hope remains that things might go back to being how they were, I also recognize there will be changes that are here to stay. Acknowledging the losses felt by teens over these past months can help put those sad feelings into context. Along with the sadness is probably some anger, numbness, confusion, anxiety, and so on. Teens have experienced losses in all areas of their lives throughout the pandemic. Loss of school structures that were familiar, loss of face to face time with friends, loss of group interactions, loss of a sense of control and predictability, loss of some of their independence, loss of some future plans and dreams, just to name a few.

What you can do: Acknowledge the losses. Let your teen know you see the suck. Create some space to allow your teen to share about what’s been hardest for them or what they miss the most.

Photo by Tim Marshall on Unsplash

Self Compassion

In moments of suffering and hardship,  being kind and caring towards ourselves, the way we would be with a close friend, can be a powerful coping tool. Studies, like this one, that focus on teens and self-compassion have found it to be a strong predictor of health, achievement, social connections, optimism, positive affect, and overall life satisfaction.

​On the other hand, these studies have also found that practicing self-compassion reduces feelings of depression and anxiety, rumination, cognitive distortion (inaccurate thinking), social anxiety, fear of judgement, internet addiction, and goal avoidance. 

Self-compassion is not about strictly having good feelings or feeling sorry for yourself. It is based in good will towards yourself and being supportive through the suffering and human experience.

What you can do: Try a few self-compassion exercises yourself and share with your teen the ones that were supportive for you or the ones that you think might be easiest for them to try. Here are a couple places to start looking: ​

Photo by Kulli Kittus on Unsplash

Seeing Through the Weeds

It is super important not to gloss over the suffering and hardship part. Acknowledging and offering some empathy (putting yourself in their shoes) is the first step for sure. Saying that, if you are only looking at the weeds, it is easy to get caught and stay there. The next step is to help teens see through the weeds and grow some of their coping skills. The more resources your teen accesses, the better they are able to pull themselves out of those difficult moments of thoughts and feelings. The trick here is practice, practice, practice and repeat. It is like learning to play an instrument or riding a bike, you have to really practice and you need to do it often to get better.

The other thing is to use strategies that work for them and go with those. Each person will have their go to tools and they will change with time, so it is a great idea to often try new ones and kind of do a spring cleaning of mental health strategies.

What you can do: Do a little inventory of coping strategies to get through tough moments. I like to use ESD as an acronym for my resources. If you and your teen use this tool – it’s interesting to notice which category you have more and less of.

​Challenge yourself to find 5 (or more) in each.

E – Express – Journaling or writing down feeling and thoughts, making a mood playlist, writing a poem, exercise, writing a letter to my future self, talking to friends

S – Settle or Soothe – Gratitude practice: write 3 things I’m grateful for every day, walking my dog, making an inspirational or relaxing playlist, getting outdoors, taking a bubble bath, snuggling with a pet and soft blanket 

D – Distract – Doing something for others, hanging out with friends (virtually I guess), watching videos, skating, exercise, setting a goal

If you and your teen want to learn more about how to cope with difficult thoughts and feelings, follow me on Instagram @therapywithchantal for weekly tips, ideas and resources.

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

09 Nov
Emotions, For Parents, For Teens, Teen Joy

10 Tips For a Smooth Morning With Teens

Gone are the days of 6am wake ups because they want to play with you and here are the mornings of whines and moans to get them out of bed and ready for school. A dad was sharing how every school morning is a 45-minute battle, ending with a stressed out dad and teen.

Photo by Vladislav Muslakov on Unsplash

If you would rather be making your smoothie in the morning, here are 10 ideas that you can try:

1. Lights, Camera, Action – This one works well in our house (most of the time!). About 10 minutes before my kids need to get ready, I turn the lights on and I am talking to them about their day and about getting up. It’s kind of like a monologue because no one replies but the stimulus gets them to start that process of waking.

2. Prepare Ahead of Time – Anything that can be the night before is worth doing. Have your teen make their lunch, pick their clothes out for the next day, charge electronics, and pack their bag. The less there is to do in the morning, the less stress on both you and them.

3. Think about Sleep First Thing in the Morning – Your quality of sleep is impacted by all the choices you make throughout your day (thanks Brittany for sharing this information with me!) Have your teen consider things like how much caffeine they are having throughout the day and when, what kind of food they are consuming, other substances that might affect sleep, how much stress they are exposed to, if they have a consistent bedtime, etc. See where they can clean it up a bit.

Photo by Rob Hampson on Unsplash

4. Turn Down the Blue Light – Screens emit blue light which suppresses the body’s natural melatonin production (gets us ready for sleep). Ideally, screens should be turned off an hour before sleep. Realistically, this can be a challenge to put into practice. Consider reducing exposure to blue light before bed, whether it’s turning off screens or using something (like blue light blocking glasses) that helps filter out the blue light.

5. Sleeping in your Tomorrow Wear – This is not one I have personally tried, but some teens swear by sleeping in the clothes they will wear the next day and this avoids a ton of morning stress.

6. Nightmares of Being at School in your Underwear – Natural consequences may be the way to go if you’re not getting any traction. The thought of arriving at school in pajamas (or underwear) may be enough to motivate a morning routine that works. 

Photo by Mohd Zuber Saifi on Unsplash

7. Throw the Alarm Clock Across the Room – Get an alarm clock (definitely wouldn’t recommend using a phone – way too tempting) and place it just far enough so they have to get up to turn it off. The biggest downside to this is that it might drive you crazy before it actually wakes your teen up lol. ​

8. Negotiations at the Table – Is your teen looking for an extra 30 mins to hang out with their friends in the evening? Some extra screen time? Have a discussion with them. Be clear on what expectations you have for them in the morning to reduce stress for everyone. Negotiate around incentives that might motivate a cheerful (ok perhaps not quite cheerful) morning disposition.

Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash

9. I like to Move it Move it! – Bodies need to be in motion every day. It helps relieve stress, improve mood, and establish healthy sleep patterns. Have your teen aim for 30 minutes a day of movement and exercise and see if they can get that to an hour. (Strong Girls Fitness Society is a good resource.)

10. Consult a Sleep Expert – Folks like Brittany Andrejcin are experts in teaching people how to optimize sleep. Check out online resources or consider working with someone to help improve the quality of your teen’s sleep, which ultimately will lead to stress-less mornings.

​What is one thing that works well in your family to reduce the stress of school mornings?

 

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

03 Nov
For Parents, For Teens

3 Reasons Why You Want To Let Your Teen Clean Up Their Own Room

The way your teen keeps their room can be so hard to leave alone. A mom was saying the other day how every time she walks by her teen’s room, the urge takes over to look inside and as soon as she sees the dirty plates, laundry on the floor, and chip crumbs, her orderly instincts kick in and away she goes cleaning her teen’s room.

Can you relate to “I’ve asked them 10 times already”, “it’ll be faster (and better) if I do it myself”,  and “it just drives me crazy” when it comes to the way your teen keeps their space?

​Whether it’s their room, their gaming area, or a space in the home, learning how to organize, clean, and manage their space is an important part of teen development.

Photo by Canva

Ok disclosure (and sorry Mom because I know you hate bugs!!) – when I was a teen I had a hamster, and I kept his food in my dresser drawer. The food was in a bag. Well, sorta kinda in the bag, and kind of in my drawer… and kinda on the floor.

​I had been told by my parents that leaving food around would attract bugs, but wasn’t bothered to clean the hamster food trail I left behind. One day, I went to feed my hamster and his seeds appeared to be moving. Yeah, maggot city 🐛🐛🐛 in my drawers! It was such a gross natural consequence that it got me to keep it clean and sealed up forevermore.

Photo by Canva

Here Are the 3 Reasons Why You Want To Let Your Teens Clean Their Own Spaces:

1. Putting the relationship first. If this is a constant source of tension in your relationship, consider taking a step back to see the bigger picture. In stepping back and not cleaning their room, you’re avoiding the scenario of still doing all that stuff for them 5 years from now.

By stepping back, you can replace those urges with something rewarding for yourself. And although you might be thinking, “I’ll enjoy the reward much more if they have a clean room”….having an extra 20 minutes for that bath or that juicy novel has the larger payoff (remember the goal is to have them clean the space so that niggling thought for you to clean it yourself will eventually be gone).

2. Motivation for growing independence and confidence.  As part of the privileges of independence in our family, we have adopted the ‘Everyone is a Contributing Member‘ motto. Everyone is an important member and their contributions are valued.

Celebrate independence by allowing them to care for their own space. This may include cleaning it, but also personalizing and organizing it in a way that is functional for them. There will be natural consequences to how they keep that space (i.e. hamster maggots).

3. Future ready skills such as Accountability and Responsibility. Clarity of your family rules and expectations will be super helpful to navigating this part. One rule that can be helpful is that all common objects must be brought back to that space or cleaned (for example dishes).

You can try looking at the privilege/responsibility scale where privilege is a direct result of responsibility. An example of this is in exchange for the privilege of Friday night extra screen time, the expectation (responsibility) is that their room is to be tidied once a week with all laundry off the floor and all dishes returned to the kitchen.

Photo by Canva

It is also helpful to be clear on rules and expectations for their room vs. other spaces in the house. Check out this post on “𝗛𝗼𝘄 𝘁𝗼 𝗚𝗲𝘁 𝗧𝗲𝗲𝗻𝘀 𝘁𝗼 𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗽 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗖𝗵𝗼𝗿𝗲𝘀 𝗪𝗶𝘁𝗵𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗮 𝗙𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝘀𝗼 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝗺𝗲 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝗿𝘂𝗻 𝘀𝗺𝗼𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗹𝘆⁣”
​
If you empower them to care for their spaces and take on that responsibility it will pay off in many ways!

And now, I’m going to walk right past my son’s room and pour myself a hot bath while listening to favourite tunes!

Photo by Canva

Have a great night.

If you found this post helpful, pass it on by emailing a friend or sharing it on Twitter or Facebook – Thanks!

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

31 Aug
Emotions, For Parents, For Teens, Teen Joy

When Thin is the Fashion Statement – Teens and Body Image

I was reading an article about this amazing “new” summer dress that was circulating on social media, you know the one with the strawberries?!  Only to find out it wasn’t new at all as it had been worn by plus size model Tess Holliday at the beginning of 2020.

​The dress had been mocked at the time and now is a big hit. ​

The primary difference: the body types wearing the dress!

Photo by Canva

I was struck by this realization although I know I have been seeing this socialization my whole life. It reminded me that when I was young, I really wanted to wear short shorts but when I did, I was always tugging at them and looking behind me to see if my cellulite was exposed. I have come a long way with body image and self-love.

The messages social media pumps out about style is that it is depends on your body type and not about what you love.

BUT IT DOESN’T have to end there.

I want to help you take those “I’m not (insert defeating adjective here- e.g. beautiful/curvy/thin/sexy/good) enough” thoughts and STOP letting them control your choices.

If you agonize over your clothes, skipping out on those pieces you would love to wear because you are afraid they won’t fit you, check out these 5 body image tips.

Photo by Drop the Label Movement on Unsplash

Find Positive Body Image Role Models

It can be your Mom, auntie, Bff’s Mom- anyone who is putting out the vibe of loving their body in its imperfect form.

Be critical of what you see in the media and find models and celebs that are similar to you.

Know Where to Get Information About Bodies and Body Changes

Talk to your trusted adults and ask questions. They have likely been asked by someone before.

Get your information from reputable sources such as teen talk, teens health and mindyourmind.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Take Social Media Breaks

Unplug, turn it off, step away, stop scrolling those feeds and let your eyes and brain take in other stimuli.

Get out for a walk, hang out with a good friend, immerse yourself in your life and the enjoyable moments.

Practice Body Acceptance

Notice what your body can do and how it can move.  Whether it’s dancing, stretching, running, being still, etc.

Compliment yourself every single day about one quality (inner and outer) that makes you, You. So important to practice this every day.

List 3 things you like about your body and Check out this body image booster download

Practice Body Awareness

Notice which clothes feel good on your body. Tune in and take the time to stretch, breathe and ask yourself how your body is feeling in this moment.

Notice the messages you are saying to yourself about your body- how do they make you feel? If you were talking to a close friend would you say the same thing?

Photo by Gemma Chua-Tran on Unsplash

By following these tips and taking care of your body with what you put in it, how much you rest you get, and staying active every day, you will bring confidence, clarity, and strength to your life.

​If you found this post helpful, pass it on by emailing a friend or sharing it on Twitter or Facebook- Thanks!

– Chantal Côté, R.Psych, Pyramid Psychology- helping older children, teens, and young adults learn how to build bulletproof mindsets

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

19 Aug
For Parents, For Teens, Relationships, Teen Joy

How to Connect With Your Teen So They Feel Understood

When my kids do something pretty outrageous, my first urge is yell- “what were you thinking?!?!”
​
It’s a work in progress, I take a lot of deep breaths, and repeat my 3 mantras. I still often default to – what were they thinking ?!

Connecting with your teens can be hard, especially if you are met with sarcasm, mean words, and attitude that would pierce even the hardest of heart shells.

Photo by Kevin Lehtla on Unsplash

What’s Going On With Their Brain

Tween and teen brains are undergoing many different developmental changes and their identities are forming. Their limbic system (emotion centre, reward, pleasure, and motivation) is ON and their pre-frontal system (rational, impulse control, decision making) is still wiring.

This means youth are much more prone to interpret body language, tone, and words as judgmental and self-focused. You might say “Oh, new shirt?” and it may be received as “you look bad” or “I’m noticing all of your imperfections”.

This can make it hard to say the right thing or not have a 40 foot wall suddenly appear between the two of you.

If you want to flip some of those interactions and connect with your teen, even though you are tired and don’t need another thing for your brain to take in, here is a no-brainer I have found super helpful.

I stick to these 3 mantras to guide me:

  1. I want to understand
  2. I am listening with empathy
  3. I may not like it, but we can get to that

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

I Want To Understand

I follow the L.I.S.T.E.N acronym: Listen, Inquire, Self-Regulate, Tone, Empathy, No advice giving. I want to understand is about 100% curiosity and trying to understand as best you can their experience. It’s not an interrogation. It’s not a solution giveaway. This is a great way to get your teen to build their reflective and awareness skills. There will be opportunities for advice, guidance and coaching, but to start off with, using LISTEN can really help open up that dialogue.

I am Listening With Empathy

I already said empathy I know, but this one deserves its own mantra. The definition of empathy, courtesy of Brené Brown is “to be nonjudgmental, understand another person’s feelings, and to communicate your understanding of that person’s feelings”.

When all I want to do is give the solution, explain my stance, or just tell them to stop, these are my red flags that I am not listening with empathy. I pause and reset and authentically say something from a place of empathy like, “that sounds really hard”, “I know it doesn’t seem fair”, “I can’t imagine…”.

​It’s a game changer.

Photo by Canva

I May Not Like It, But We Can Get To That

Some things will be hard to listen to! There are going to be times when you will have to clarify expectations, help them navigate safety in situations, and give some helpful suggestions. “But We can get to that” reminds me that I always want to start with the first two mantras.

You can always come back to things that are important in another conversation. Your relationship with your teen and the conversations that go with it are not a One Shot Deal.

If you follow these 3 mantras you are sure to feel more connected to your teen and stay a support in their squad.

​If you found this post helpful, pass it on by emailing a friend or sharing it on Twitter or Facebook- Thanks!

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

07 Aug
Confidence, Emotions, For Parents, For Teens, Teen Joy

10 Rules for Being Confident When Talking to Others That Your Teens Need to Know

I have heard from many teens I work with – I don’t get how people are so confident when talking to others. ⁣Variations of this wondering brings me back to when I was younger and my teen self totally relates- sometimes even now I still do.

It can be hard to talk to others, especially new people. If you feel shy sometimes, you’ve probably had your mind go blank in the middle of a conversation, feeling your face grow hot, and feeling at a loss to keep going.

Photo by Canva

Great News: Confidence is a skill. ⁣
⁣
Sure, some people struggle less with confidence for various reasons (brain wiring, genetics, environment) but confidence is something you can train every day, like a muscle, for it to become stronger. ⁣

Practice by sticking to these 10 rules:

1. 𝐊𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐅𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐋𝐨𝐠𝐢𝐜– when you feel nervous or worried about what others are thinking, your flight or fight takes over. The best antidote is to bring your thinking brain back online. Try being extra logical about your fear beforehand- what’s the worst that can happen and then what, what has changed?⁣

Photo by Canva

2. 𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨𝐩𝐢𝐜𝐬– A little each day and diversify. Find one or two things you find interesting. These can help you start small talk which is often the hardest part of conversation⁣ with others.
⁣
3. 𝐀𝐬𝐤 𝐨𝐩𝐞𝐧 𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐝 𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬– When you are talking with someone to help keep the conversation going, use some open ended questions- What do you think? What’s your favourite? How do you? And, listen- don’t be getting ready for the next thing you’re going to say in your head⁣.

​4. 𝐁𝐞 𝐚𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐭𝐥𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐞𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐜𝐭– The “oh crap everyone is looking at me” effect- research says you overestimate on average 2x the amount of people who are actually noticing you in any given moment⁣.
⁣
5.𝗪𝐢𝐠𝐠𝐥𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐭𝐨𝐞𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫𝐬– keeping yourself present and connected to your body will help with checked out nerves⁣.

​​6. 𝐔𝐬𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐒𝐩𝐨𝐤𝐞𝐬 𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐝– Imagine a conversation like a bike wheel. The topic is the centre of the wheel and all the possible conversations are the spokes. If the main topic is something you know little about, that is OK . Think of things that are related to the topic and questions you can ask. ⁣

Photo by James Mason on Unsplash

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For example, someone starts talking about Crossfit, your conversation spokes might be- working out, exercise routines, staying healthy, personal challenges and some questions might be – what do you like about Crossfit? When did you start ? ⁣How does it work?
​
7. 𝐓𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐋𝐚𝐝𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐄𝐱𝐞𝐫𝐜𝐢𝐬𝐞– You can go from “I suck at talking to others” to “I am confident to have a conversation with anyone”. Imagine your thoughts as if they were on rungs of a ladder. The first one (I suck) is on the bottom rung and the ultimate one (I am confident) at the top. Now map out 3-4 other thoughts that would be between these two. Practice them one rung at a time, starting at the second rung until each feels more believable before moving to the next⁣.
⁣
8. 𝐋𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐞𝐝𝐢𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬– try some related to confidence and grounding⁣.

Photo by Nalau Nobel on Unsplash

9. 𝐊𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐄𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐬 𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞⁣- everyone has things that are out of their comfort zone and some things that feel downright terrifying. You are not alone in your experience and most people have some level of questioning their confidence when it comes to talking to others in some contexts.
⁣
10.𝐏𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐞 𝐏𝐨𝐰𝐞𝐫 𝐏𝐨𝐬𝐞– your body language affects how you feel percent. What we know about an expansive posture is that it helps you breathe in a way that relaxes your nervous system and helps reduce stress. So 30 seconds every day, stand tall with your hands on your hips- kind of like Wonder Woman ⁣

Practice these 10 rules and talking to others will become the least of your stressors.

​If you found this post helpful, pass it on by emailing a friend or sharing it on Twitter or Facebook- Thanks!

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

03 Aug
Emotions, For Teens, Self Image & Body Image, Self-Compassion

What Boredom Will Teach You About Self-Love

If you are a tween or teen or the parent of tween or teen who has uttered these words “I’m bored”, read on.

Have you been thinking this? Feeling this? Or, saying this lately?

Dozens of my clients are struggling with feeling unmotivated, lacking excitement in life and feeling down a lot of the time. Covid isolation and the domino effect of changes has been a drastic 180° for many activities and routines that guaranteed some sort of social interaction.

If you’re wondering what you should do to overcome this feeling, check out the 7 boredom busters below :

Photo by Canva

Hobbies: 
What kind of hobby do you enjoy? Is there something you’ve been thinking of learning or trying? Pinterest, Etsy and YouTube are some great places to find ideas of things to try. You don’t have to obsess over it or even perfect it, it’s about trying something and discovering what you enjoy.

Routine:
routine might sound like the root of boredom, same thing all the time…..Boring! Well turns out that some amount of routine actually helps with boredom!

If you have a solid routine on some of the basics (sleep, hygiene, exercise), it frees up brain power to focus on things that are fun and creative like new adventures. Also, having predictable routines in the areas of exercise, nutrition, sleep, and hygiene help boost your feel good endorphins- and a brain that is feeling calm and feeling good is much less likely to feel bored.

Mindfulness: 
Practicing mindfulness and becoming aware of your thoughts and feelings in the present moment can help you better understand your boredom. Being bored is the surface state, but a curious deep dive may allow you to discover if it’s about feeling lonely, disconnected, unmotivated,  tired, etc.

The more you know and name your experience, the less power it has over you and the more it leads you to knowing the action and choices needed to change the feeling.

Photo by Canva

Creativity:
If boredom is a lack of something, then creativity is the opposite. Music, games, art, reading, challenges, anything that gets the right side of your brain engaged can be great for ending boredom. So grab your markers, paint, headphones, a good book and let creativity in.

Get to know Thy Self:
I am aging myself big time here, but reading teen magazines back in the day (yeah like the paper kind) and filling in those quizzes to know more about what kind of friend I was or what was my dating style was always interesting.

I would always take the results with a grain of salt, but there was usually something I could relate to that helped me learn a thing or two about myself. Take some time to get to know who you are!

Photo by Canva

Get to know Thy Roommate :
Spend time with your roomies. Your roommates, whether they are mom, dad, siblings, or other, can be a source of boredom no more. Get to know them a little better by joining them during an activity or asking them questions. It might be interesting to learn about a hidden talent, memory or story that you didn’t know before.

Laugh:
What makes you laugh? I mean belly moving, watery eyes, laugh? Laughter releases feel good endorphins that are sure to help in those moments of boredom. You could try laughter yoga, comedy shows, try not to laugh videos, pranks, hanging out with a funny friend- let the laughter flow.

Being bored can be a fantastic thing.

It can spring you into action to resolve the feeling and it is where the most creative and fun ideas are born.

If you found this post helpful, pass it on by emailing a friend or sharing it on Twitter or Facebook- Thanks!

– Chantal Côté, R.Psych, Pyramid Psychology- helping older children, teens, and young adults learn how to build bulletproof mindsets

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

15 May
Emotions, For Parents, For Teens, Teen Joy

Anxiety In Children and Teens: What You Need To Know

In these times with uncertainty in a world that is changing more rapidly than we can sometimes imagine, knowledge can be like medicine.

If you are a child or teen impacted by anxiety or you are caring for someone with anxiety, I hope this blog will provide you with some helpful information.

Lets Start From The Beginning – What Is Anxiety?

Well anxiety is a state caused by your perceived sense of threat to an event, person, or situation. In other words, anxiety is a combination of thoughts and feelings that activate your Stress Response, calling your body and mind to take action to try and keep you safe and minimize threat and danger.

When put that way, I kind of think of anxiety as a superpower. A superpower that every human being has.
​
If anxiety can activate your body’s stress response, putting you in a state of action, and doing this in a matter of mere seconds- that’s pretty impressive!

Photo by Canva

I want to say a little more about how anxiety is useful. We can probably agree that everyone experiences stress at some point. Perhaps you even agree that our stress response to perceived danger and threat is one very important way to keep you safe.

Our body and mind’s response to danger is part of your evolutionary hardwiring for survival- this is most useful if the goal is to live.

The response is automatic, meaning you don’t have to think about activating your stress response. If a rabid tiger (do tigers get rabies?) ran into this room right now, you would not want to waste time thinking about whether or not it is dangerous or what you should do. You need to act right away and that’s what anxiety helps you do- ACT NOW.

Anxiety is useful in the tiger situation, but let’s face it, you may not encounter this scenario too often. Anxiety can also be useful in handling situations that require some stress for best outcomes. A situation like a performance, maybe a sports performance or an art performance require some degree of stress to mobilize memory, muscles, blood flow, and breathing.

​Anxiety can be useful and it can also become problematic and I will talk more about that below.

​Keypoints to remember:

  • Everyone experiences stress and anxiety some of the time
  • Anxiety is like a superpower designed to detect and respond to perceived threat and danger
  • Our stress response is automatic and it happens in mere seconds
  • Anxiety in doses, can be useful for performance

​The world you live in today is much different than the world of 50 years ago. You experience stimulus at a much faster rate. Take a second and think of how many sources of information and the amount of information coming at you, even in the last 30 minutes.

I have probably checked my emails (yes more than one), glanced at instagram, received text messages from people I know, half read a couple articles that piqued my interest on Facebook, all while eating a burrito and petting my dog. This statement gives you plenty to judge me on, but I’m hoping to highlight that we live in a world with a lot going on a lot of the time.

Why Is It Important To Talk About Anxiety These Days? 

Your body and mind need to sift through information (stimuli) at lightning speed and determine what is a threat and what is not. That’s a taxing job, even for a superpower.
​
Research tells us that severe anxiety and mood disorders are on the rise in young populations. We need to talk about anxiety so we can come together as a community, share ideas, support one another, and create spaces and states that feel safe.

It’s also important to talk about because stress and anxiety have larger consequences on the body and mind if not attended to. Stress has different levels, one of those being adaptive stress or as some call it, healthy stress. This kind of stress causes a response in your body that has quick recovery times which is great because you can manage that. Prolonged stress or toxic stress however, is more taxing on the body and mind and has slower recovery times which can cause significant negative consequences to your health.

Photo by Canva

Key points to remember:

  • Our mind is sifting through enormous amounts of stimulus at lightning speed to determine what is a threat and what is not.
  • Research tells us severe anxiety is on the rise in young populations
  • Prolonged or toxic stress can have long term consequences on your health

What Does Anxiety Look Like? 

Ok, remember anxiety is a state that activates a response in your body to perceived danger or threat. That response brings on-line our sympathetic system, which is also known as the flight, fight, freeze response. This is a survival response that mobilizes your body to take actions required to keep you out of danger.
You might notice:

  • Increased heart rate
  • Shallow, quicker breathing
  • Increases in some of your senses (smell, sight)
  • Dilated pupils
  • Distributed blood flow to certain parts of the brain and muscles

Photo by Fernando @dearferdo on Unsplash

Now if you continue to have anxious thoughts and feelings, the body continues to mobilize resources, but has to make some changes to sustain this flight, fight, freeze mode.
​
Now your system is:

  • Releasing cortisol (stress hormone)
  • Suppressing pain response
  • Reduces hearing
  • Increasing activity in the amygdala (alarm system in brain) and hippocampus (memory bank of brain)
  • Decreasing activity in pre-frontal cortex (planning and reasoning part of brain)
  • Increasing blood clotting activity
  • Interfering with sleep
  • Suppressing immune system

Keep in mind your stress response is proportional to the degree of perceived threat. If you think something is super dangerous, your body and mind will respond in a big way!
​
Also, the longer your body and mind are sustained in an anxious state the longer the recovery time. This part is really important. If you imagine anxiety as a superpower and you use it all up to deal with your nemesis DANGER and THREAT, you are going to need time to rest and rebuild your energy stores.

Key points to remember:

  • Anxiety triggers your sympathetic system (flight, fight and freeze)
  • Anxiety and stress require recovery time
  • The bigger the stress response, the longer the recovery

Different Types of Anxiety

Anxiety in and of itself is a very useful state to have to keep us safe and responsive. However, when anxious thoughts and feelings lead to symptoms that interfere with day to day functioning it can become problematic.
Anxiety disorders can be a way of labelling when anxiety becomes problematic.
​
Some types of anxiety known in children and teens:

Phobias
Experiencing very anxious and fearful thoughts and feelings, often irritational, linked to situations, objects, or things. More common phobias are dying, flying, spiders, vomiting, needles, etc.

​Separation anxiety
Experiencing very anxious thoughts and feelings when separated from parents or caregivers. Usually feeling worried that something bad will happen to self or someone you love while you are apart. May result in refusing to participate in playdates, school, daycare, camps, or sleepovers.

Social anxiety
Experiencing very anxious thoughts and feelings related to social situations. Heightened stress and self-consciousness around others with strong worries about being embarrassed, humiliated, or judged.

Generalized Anxiety disorder
Experiencing very anxious thoughts and feelings about everyday events for prolonged periods.

Panic disorders
Experiencing sudden and unexpected panic attacks. You would also experience very anxious thoughts and feelings about having another panic attack in public or in undesirable situations and usually avoid places where a panic attack might occur.

PTSD
PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder) is when you experience ongoing symptoms after a terrifying event(s). Usually experience very anxious and frightening thoughts and memories of the past event(s). The event(s) was/were terrifying to you physically, emotionally, and psychologically.

OCD
OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) has two parts- obsessions, which are persistent, intrusive and unwanted thoughts, images or impulses (urges) and compulsions, which are repeated behaviours that can decrease the anxiety temporarily. Often, you may know the obsessions are irrational or unconventional but unable to control them. Some common compulsions may include, washing, checking, repeated walking patterns, touching, counting.

Key points to remember:

  • when anxious thoughts and feelings lead to symptoms that interfere with day to day functioning (for many different reasons) it can become problematic. 
  • Anxiety disorders are a way of labelling when anxiety becomes problematic

How To Cope

Photo by TK Hammonds on Unsplash

If anxiety is just doing its thing and keeping you away from danger, this is great. Thank anxiety for being such an amazing superpower and keep it up.
If this superpower is out of control and interfering with daily life, there are things you can do to harness its energy.

If you want to talk to someone about what’s going on or you have more questions, consider reaching out to a healthcare professional or another trusted adult. It may be a parent, family friend, coach, doctor, school counsellor, therapist, etc.

​Don’t suffer alone!

Here are some ideas that might help harness the power of anxiety.

Photo by Canva

Grounding and settling:
Finding a way to settle your body and mind is like adding water to a flame- it can soothe and lower your anxiety response. A lot of these ideas start with the body and are designed to kick in your parasympathetic system (rest and relax) which is the opposite of the sympathetic system that kicks in when you are anxious. Some examples of this are:

  • Focused breathing
  • Tense and release exercise
  • visualizations
  • Stretching and yoga movements
  • Sensory exercises to bring you to the here and now (54321, rainbow spotting, hearing challenges, etc.)
  • Brain gym
  • Calming art or music

Self-Compassion:
Often times, you might find yourself having harsh thoughts about anxiety. It can be easy to go to a place of what’s wrong with me, why can’t I control this, this is my fault etc. Self-compassion is an invitation to bring in a gentler, kinder voice (maybe like a kind friend or a great sidekick) that can offer some new possibilities in understanding and handling anxiety. Some examples of this are:

  • Mindfulness exercises
  • Compassion and kindness exercises
  • Exploring feelings with curiosity rather than judgement
  • Art to help explore

​Thought work:
Anxiety is about your perceived sense of threat or danger, so it is not necessarily the truth of how things are but rather how you think they are. If you have ways to understand and challenge your thoughts this can be very helpful in harnessing anxiety. Some examples of this are:

  • Mapping your thoughts
  • Thought ladders
  • Thought stopping
  • Thought challenging
  • Understanding thinking traps

​Containment:
Imagine (I know I’m really going with this superpower metaphor) anxiety is a powerful ray of light that shoots from your body uncontrollably anytime you feel you are in danger. Containment is a way to centralize and focus that beam of light to one area or to keep it locked up for a bit while you work on some other harnessing strategies. Some examples of this are:

  • Worry boxes
  • Worry trees
  • Things I can control and things I can’t control exercises
  • Container visualizations, imagery, art

Photo by Dustin Belt on Unsplash

​Habits and Hygiene:
Just like anything in life, if we are well rested and refreshed, we tend to show up in a much more capable way vs. when we are feeling exhausted and depleted. Considering the different habits and different hygiene practices you have can be very helpful in harnessing anxiety. Some examples of this are:

  • Having consistent quality sleep
  • Eating regularly and eating foods high in nutrients and vitamins
  • Having routines that are supportive like around bedtime or when you first wake up
  • Bringing supportive relationships closer and distancing self from harmful relationships
  • Having regular self-care practices such as sport, art, exercise, spending time with friends, laughing, relaxing, etc.
  • Limiting alcohol and drug use which mess with our body chemistry and can quickly make anxiety feel out of control

​Key points to remember:

  • There are so many different things you can do to help harness anxiety
  • Don’t suffer alone, talk to someone if you are struggling with anxiety

Photo by Jude Beck on Unsplash

If you found this post helpful, pass it on by emailing a friend or sharing it on Twitter or Facebook- Thanks!

Comment below on how you manage anxiety.

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

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