26 Nov
Emotions, For Parents, For Teens, Relationships

Encouraging Good Grades: How to support your teen’s grades during a pandemic

A parent was saying the other day that they wanted to motivate their teen’s grades in a positive way, and they were asking if they should be punishing them for bad grades and how often to check on their school work.
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With the current conditions and restrictions of the pandemic, your teen’s grades may be struggling more than ever. Academic success is hard. As a parent, watching your teen struggle with motivation and success can be really difficult. Your mind might go to that place of seeing failure in their academics as something that will screw up their future and lead to lost opportunities, leaving you stressed out and fearful.

Photo by Jessica Lewis on Unsplash

If you want to support your teen to succeed in their school achievements, but don’t want it to be an uphill battle, here are a few questions to consider: 

1. Should I punish my teen for bad grades?
Punishing for bad grades, whether that’s consequences, screaming or lecturing, can lead to increased anxiety and low self-esteem. Pushing too hard for the grade may backfire.  Before you punish or give consequences for grades, consider what factors are leading to the low grades. A different course of action will be taken if your teen is struggling to understand materials vs. your teen is spending hours on-line and not creating enough time to study and complete assignments. Even if your teen is spending hours on-line, that in itself can be a coping mechanism to deal with a lack of organization and time management skills, learning difficulties, or a lack of understanding the materials. Be curious and take the time to inquire about what is contributing to the poor grades.

If you do choose to implement consequences, it is much more effective to curb the behaviour and not the grade. For example, if your teen wants to do their homework in their room and this is leading to distraction and incomplete work, you can remove the privilege of doing homework in their room to curb the behaviour of distraction. If your teen is on-line for hours and not getting their work done, you can remove the privilege of screen time until a set amount of school work is completed. By curbing the behaviour, you foster opportunities to increase effort and skills such as organization and time management skills, that are useful for life. Punishment and consequences will not build those skills – see more in question 3.

Photo by Sebastian Coman Photography on Unsplash

2. Should I reward my teen for good grades?
Along the same wavelength as punishing, rewarding is much more effective when it corresponds to the behaviour. In this case, it’s the behaviour you hope to see your teen master such as, effort, focus, engagement, planning, and preparing. Communicating your expectations around accomplishments is very important. Be specific and goal oriented, where it is clear and achievable for your teen. Clear and Achievable😊. Instead of the expectation “I want you to get a minimum of X in all your subjects”, you might have something like, ‘I want you to read every night for 1 hour” or “I want all homework complete prior to free time”. Praise the efforts when you see them. You may also have incentives in place for some specific accomplishments. Again, I would focus on the behaviours over the actual grade. If going out for ice cream or their favourite latte is the incentive, acknowledge the effort and the prioritizing of their time that you saw over the actual grade.

Photo by Chichi Onyekanne on Unsplash

3. How can I help my teen achieve academic success?
Part of this is the bigger picture stuff. Consider the value you hold around the grades. What does this represent for you? Values drive people to believe things, so take some time to reflect on what your values are around the good grades- e.g. lifelong learning , education, contribution, success, status, etc. Share those with your teens. Teens still rely on parents for guidance, modeling, and making sense of the world.

Be clear and collaborative when it comes to your teen’s grades; your expectations and goals. Have an open dialogue where there is room for sharing expectations, problem solving, and setting goals for academic accomplishments. Getting your teen’s input here allows them to be more invested in the process- you really want to have some of the motivation be intrinsic (motivated by personal reward).
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Get to the root of what’s happening. Know the difference between contextual issues and more global issues. If your teen is struggling with math (Oh did I ever!), brainstorm ways you can help like getting a tutor, allowing for more regular time to work on math, working with their teacher, researching ideas of presenting the materials that work for them, etc. If your teen is struggling with more global issues such as organization, time management, focus, and study skills, you can help by coming up with a study plan together, sharing time management and organization ideas, and having them test out tools such as apps, reminders, and alarms. Need some suggestions? Start here for app recommendations or here for study ideas.

In the end the greatest reward will come from your teen feeling competent and capable in their accomplishments and achievements.

​If you found this post on your teen’s grades helpful, pass it on by emailing a friend or sharing it on Twitter or Facebook- Thanks!

 

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with. If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook. 

20 Nov
Emotions, For Parents, For Teens, Friendships, Relationships

The Social Chameleon: 10 Reasons Why You Want to Be Yourself

A teen was saying the other day how they were tired of changing their personality to match their friend group – they said “it’s hard to be yourself”. Have you ever thought, “if I act like myself how will people react?” and “what if they judge me? Changing your personality or the way you behave in order to make friends and fit in will likely leave you in inner chaos and feeling completely dissatisfied.

​If you want to feel good in your skin and be yourself, even if it feels like a scary possibility, consider these 10 reasons below on why being yourself is best.

Photo by Omar Lopez on Unsplash

10 REASONS WHY BEING YOURSELF IS BEST

1. More to Offer – If you spend your time and energy trying to act like everyone else, your thoughts, feelings and personality get lost in the mix. Being a copy of someone else is like eating the same food every single day; it can get to be kind of dull. When you stop putting all that energy into changing who you are, you will be able to let your unique personality shine through and you will have so much more to offer.
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2. Independence – Part of being a teen is starting to gain more independence and a sense of self. Getting to know what you like, believe in, and think is an important part of growing up. The more you get to know and show this part of yourself, the more agency you grow. That’s your ability to act independently and make your own free choices. Sounds good right?!

3. The Best of Friends – When you change who you are to fit in, you are not likely to be spending your time with “your people”. It might be hard to get along with your friends and you may realize that they are not true friends. When you start behaving like yourself, it is like a compass finding the best kind of people and best kind of friends in your life.

Photo by Melissa Askew on Unsplash

4. More fun– Being guarded or watching what you say, think, or feel takes a lot of effort. It’s like putting up a fortress around you and constantly watching for chips or cracks in the foundation. Letting that guard down and being yourself means you can focus your attention on doing the things you love and having fun doing them.

5. Discover Your Talents – Everyone has skills and unique talents to share with others. In order to develop them, you need time to discover them. Being yourself allows you to figure out what it is that you like and what you’re good at. Everyone benefits from that!

6. Within Your Control – Spending your time constantly worrying about what others think is like throwing money in a shredding machine – it gets you nowhere. There is a much bigger impact you can have on yourself and others, and that is to recognize what is outside of your control and what is within your control. For example, others thoughts, feelings, and behaviours are not things you have any control over. You may be able to influence people, but ultimately their choices are theirs. Now, your own thoughts and behaviours are definitely something that are within your control and within your ability to choose. Your response is also within your control. You choose how you want to respond to others and to situations. Would you rather be worrying all the time or having fun with people who like you for you? You get to choose.

Photo by Lucas Lenzi on Unsplash

7. Boost Your Confidence – Being yourself might seem risky at first, but this risk is worth the effort. Your confidence depends on your ability to take risks. The more risks you take that move the needle towards the person you want to be, the easier it gets and the more it boosts your confidence. It doesn’t mean it won’t be hard or scary, but it does mean it will be worth it.

8. Dust Yourself Off – Part II of boosting your confidence. I don’t want to sugarcoat things so I am going to say that sometimes acting like yourself might feel like a total bust or a failure. If that happens, know that failure is something that everyone experiences and it also boosts your confidence. How you handle failure is the key. So, if being yourself means you lose a friend, gaining a new true friend is now a possibility. If being yourself means you stop participating in a certain group, finding a new group who like the same things will now be an option.

Photo by Sarah Brown on Unsplash

9. Discover Your Hobbies – Changing yourself to fit others molds is kind of like sitting on the sidelines instead of being in the game. If you commit to being yourself, you will start to find things that you enjoy and get to do those.

10. Live Adventures – Speaking of sitting on the sidelines, getting to know who you truly are (and you are changing all the time) allows you to be living your life instead of watching it go by. Adventures and experiences that you might see others having on social media or in your peer groups can be yours to have. Or even better, you can be creating your own adventures. And I don’t know about you, but living my life sounds much better than watching others live theirs.

It’s not always easy to be yourself. It starts with taking the first step. A mentor once told me, “be yourself and the world will adjust” and I think they were onto something pretty good.

Sincerely,

​If you found this post helpful, pass it on by emailing a friend or sharing it on Twitter or Facebook- Thanks!

 

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with. If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook. 

14 Nov
Addiction/Substance Abuse, For Parents, For Teens

The Teen Vaping Culture: What do to when your teen is using e-cigarettes

This was a difficult post for me to write. I understand that teen experimentation is a normal part of development. On the other hand, I have read enough to understand that vaping is seriously addictive, especially when it’s a teen vaping. There are still a lot of unknowns in terms of the health consequences of its use.

Photo by CDC Unsplash

Perhaps you have found evidence that your teen is experimenting with vaping. Maybe it’s nicotine, maybe it’s marijuana. You confiscate the vapes, tell them about how dangerous it is, and even threaten to take them for a visit to your local coroner’s office for an educational experience of what real lungs look like after vaping. But instead of getting the results you’re wanting (for them to stop vaping), you get yelling, frustration, hiding their habit and even lying.

Here is tough to swallow news: if your teen doesn’t want to quit, there is no amount of yelling, consequences, or arguing that will make them quit. AND if anything, it may push them further into their use.

​But wait, don’t stop reading! There are things you can do to be an important part of their choice making for their health and future.

Teen Vaping: A Little About Why

The truth is that addictions are complex. Research tells us that the developing teen brain has an active dopamine release, peaking about midway through the teen years.

Why is this important to know?

Photo by Evan Dennis on Unsplash

Well, dopamine is your brain’s natural chemical linked to pleasure and reward. Why do you think a lot of that risk taking, impulsive, invincibility behaviour shows up during this time? Yep, dopamine! This increases the likelihood of teens experimenting and trying things that are “thrill seeking” which may include substances. Because the brain has this more active dopamine release, it does increase the addictive potential of substances during this time.

 

Teen Vaping: How You Can Help

Here are 5 things that you can bring to the table to help encourage your teen to make choices that bode for their health.

Photo by Jason Weingardt on Unsplash

1. What’s the Root – Digging Deeper
Teens just love when parents ask tons of questions (please pick up on sarcasm here). Understanding the root of their choice to vape is delicate work as a parent for sure.

Ask yourself what is driving me to want to help them? If you are spiraling out in fear of worse case scenarios, you will vibrate at that level in your conversations with them, which is going to shut things down pretty quickly. Whatever shows up for you is ok (no blame here), acknowledge it, name it, share it with your partner, therapist, or best friend, and then take a deep breath and put it on the shelf (I know this is not easy) before you have those conversations with your teen.

It can sometimes be helpful to start by normalizing the ups and downs of life. Try to be curious and come from a place of really wanting to understand what is going on for them and what it is that is leading them to vape. You might learn they are vaping because it helps with their anxiety, they may have lots of friends who are smoking and vaping, or they may be struggling to manage their stress.

Show the love by creating opportunities for your teen to feel safe to open up and discuss the issues and concerns they are dealing with.

Photo by LinkedIn Sales Navigator on Unsplash

2. Be Clear About your Expectations
It’s 100% ok to not be ok with vaping, smoking, drugs, and so on. The most important part of this message is your Why. Be clear that this choice will never be ok with you because they are important to you and you love them.

Be ultra clear on your limits around the behaviour (e.g. no vaping in home or car). Punishing and consequences are likely going to be counterproductive however,
you can try working with your teen to offer some incentives to help them support them to quit.

​3. Learn About It
Get informed about nicotine addiction and the health consequences. You can share some of what you discover with your teen. Research does indicate that information on the long term health consequences is not that effective in reducing tobacco and nicotine use in young populations.

You will likely have more traction in sharing about the shorter term consequences that may have a social impact on your teen such as, wheezing during activities, bad breath, a chronic cough, inflamed gums, rotting teeth, no money, and so on. You can start with the effects on teeth here.

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

4. Offer Supports
Keep the dialogue open with your teen. Check-in on their desire to quit. If they offer you a yes or a maybe, you can start supporting them by scheduling an appointment with your family doctor. Your doctor will most likely have some good resources and information to get things started. Share information about cessation programs. Try and find out beforehand if they are geared towards supporting teens. Smokefreeteen and Albertaquits are great resources for quitting supports.

5. Counselling
​Specialized cessation or addictions counsellors can support teens specifically on how to create a cessation plan, how to deal with cravings, and answer questions about substances. Other counsellors will have skills to explore the underlying issues such as anxiety, depression, and stress that may be leading to the vaping behaviour.

Knowledge is power here and working on staying close in your relationship with your teen will ensure that you are a part of the support team to make it easier to quit when they are ready.

​If you found this post on teen vaping helpful, pass it on by emailing a friend or sharing it on Twitter or Facebook- Thanks!

 

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with. If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook. 

09 Nov
Emotions, For Parents, For Teens, Teen Joy

10 Tips For a Smooth Morning With Teens

Gone are the days of 6am wake ups because they want to play with you and here are the mornings of whines and moans to get them out of bed and ready for school. A dad was sharing how every school morning is a 45-minute battle, ending with a stressed out dad and teen.

Photo by Vladislav Muslakov on Unsplash

If you would rather be making your smoothie in the morning, here are 10 ideas that you can try:

1. Lights, Camera, Action – This one works well in our house (most of the time!). About 10 minutes before my kids need to get ready, I turn the lights on and I am talking to them about their day and about getting up. It’s kind of like a monologue because no one replies but the stimulus gets them to start that process of waking.

2. Prepare Ahead of Time – Anything that can be the night before is worth doing. Have your teen make their lunch, pick their clothes out for the next day, charge electronics, and pack their bag. The less there is to do in the morning, the less stress on both you and them.

3. Think about Sleep First Thing in the Morning – Your quality of sleep is impacted by all the choices you make throughout your day (thanks Brittany for sharing this information with me!) Have your teen consider things like how much caffeine they are having throughout the day and when, what kind of food they are consuming, other substances that might affect sleep, how much stress they are exposed to, if they have a consistent bedtime, etc. See where they can clean it up a bit.

Photo by Rob Hampson on Unsplash

4. Turn Down the Blue Light – Screens emit blue light which suppresses the body’s natural melatonin production (gets us ready for sleep). Ideally, screens should be turned off an hour before sleep. Realistically, this can be a challenge to put into practice. Consider reducing exposure to blue light before bed, whether it’s turning off screens or using something (like blue light blocking glasses) that helps filter out the blue light.

5. Sleeping in your Tomorrow Wear – This is not one I have personally tried, but some teens swear by sleeping in the clothes they will wear the next day and this avoids a ton of morning stress.

6. Nightmares of Being at School in your Underwear – Natural consequences may be the way to go if you’re not getting any traction. The thought of arriving at school in pajamas (or underwear) may be enough to motivate a morning routine that works. 

Photo by Mohd Zuber Saifi on Unsplash

7. Throw the Alarm Clock Across the Room – Get an alarm clock (definitely wouldn’t recommend using a phone – way too tempting) and place it just far enough so they have to get up to turn it off. The biggest downside to this is that it might drive you crazy before it actually wakes your teen up lol. ​

8. Negotiations at the Table – Is your teen looking for an extra 30 mins to hang out with their friends in the evening? Some extra screen time? Have a discussion with them. Be clear on what expectations you have for them in the morning to reduce stress for everyone. Negotiate around incentives that might motivate a cheerful (ok perhaps not quite cheerful) morning disposition.

Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash

9. I like to Move it Move it! – Bodies need to be in motion every day. It helps relieve stress, improve mood, and establish healthy sleep patterns. Have your teen aim for 30 minutes a day of movement and exercise and see if they can get that to an hour. (Strong Girls Fitness Society is a good resource.)

10. Consult a Sleep Expert – Folks like Brittany Andrejcin are experts in teaching people how to optimize sleep. Check out online resources or consider working with someone to help improve the quality of your teen’s sleep, which ultimately will lead to stress-less mornings.

​What is one thing that works well in your family to reduce the stress of school mornings?

 

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

03 Nov
For Parents, For Teens

3 Reasons Why You Want To Let Your Teen Clean Up Their Own Room

The way your teen keeps their room can be so hard to leave alone. A mom was saying the other day how every time she walks by her teen’s room, the urge takes over to look inside and as soon as she sees the dirty plates, laundry on the floor, and chip crumbs, her orderly instincts kick in and away she goes cleaning her teen’s room.

Can you relate to “I’ve asked them 10 times already”, “it’ll be faster (and better) if I do it myself”,  and “it just drives me crazy” when it comes to the way your teen keeps their space?

​Whether it’s their room, their gaming area, or a space in the home, learning how to organize, clean, and manage their space is an important part of teen development.

Photo by Canva

Ok disclosure (and sorry Mom because I know you hate bugs!!) – when I was a teen I had a hamster, and I kept his food in my dresser drawer. The food was in a bag. Well, sorta kinda in the bag, and kind of in my drawer… and kinda on the floor.

​I had been told by my parents that leaving food around would attract bugs, but wasn’t bothered to clean the hamster food trail I left behind. One day, I went to feed my hamster and his seeds appeared to be moving. Yeah, maggot city 🐛🐛🐛 in my drawers! It was such a gross natural consequence that it got me to keep it clean and sealed up forevermore.

Photo by Canva

Here Are the 3 Reasons Why You Want To Let Your Teens Clean Their Own Spaces:

1. Putting the relationship first. If this is a constant source of tension in your relationship, consider taking a step back to see the bigger picture. In stepping back and not cleaning their room, you’re avoiding the scenario of still doing all that stuff for them 5 years from now.

By stepping back, you can replace those urges with something rewarding for yourself. And although you might be thinking, “I’ll enjoy the reward much more if they have a clean room”….having an extra 20 minutes for that bath or that juicy novel has the larger payoff (remember the goal is to have them clean the space so that niggling thought for you to clean it yourself will eventually be gone).

2. Motivation for growing independence and confidence.  As part of the privileges of independence in our family, we have adopted the ‘Everyone is a Contributing Member‘ motto. Everyone is an important member and their contributions are valued.

Celebrate independence by allowing them to care for their own space. This may include cleaning it, but also personalizing and organizing it in a way that is functional for them. There will be natural consequences to how they keep that space (i.e. hamster maggots).

3. Future ready skills such as Accountability and Responsibility. Clarity of your family rules and expectations will be super helpful to navigating this part. One rule that can be helpful is that all common objects must be brought back to that space or cleaned (for example dishes).

You can try looking at the privilege/responsibility scale where privilege is a direct result of responsibility. An example of this is in exchange for the privilege of Friday night extra screen time, the expectation (responsibility) is that their room is to be tidied once a week with all laundry off the floor and all dishes returned to the kitchen.

Photo by Canva

It is also helpful to be clear on rules and expectations for their room vs. other spaces in the house. Check out this post on “𝗛𝗼𝘄 𝘁𝗼 𝗚𝗲𝘁 𝗧𝗲𝗲𝗻𝘀 𝘁𝗼 𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗽 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗖𝗵𝗼𝗿𝗲𝘀 𝗪𝗶𝘁𝗵𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗮 𝗙𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝘀𝗼 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝗺𝗲 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝗿𝘂𝗻 𝘀𝗺𝗼𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗹𝘆⁣”
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If you empower them to care for their spaces and take on that responsibility it will pay off in many ways!

And now, I’m going to walk right past my son’s room and pour myself a hot bath while listening to favourite tunes!

Photo by Canva

Have a great night.

If you found this post helpful, pass it on by emailing a friend or sharing it on Twitter or Facebook – Thanks!

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

11 Oct
Anxiety, Emotions, For Parents, For Teens, Friendships

The Hate Kids Give in School – How to Help When Your Teen is Being Bullied

Your daughter comes home in tears because a peer said some nasty things about a picture of her on social media. Teens will be teens? No. This kind of thinking isn’t going to cut it. ​Whether it is verbal, social, physical or cyber, Bullying Canada states if someone is hurting or scaring another person on purpose and that person is having a hard time defending themselves- This is bullying. ​

I’ve definitely heard the concerns from parents- if I get involved will I not making make it worse?  If I get involved, am I not just enabling them to never learn how to figure out their own problems? There are ways to get involved that can empower teens while letting them know they are not alone.

As a parent you might notice a gut wrenching feeling taking you back to your teen experiences with bullying. Whether you were a bystander, the one doing the bullying, or the one being bullied, everyone has a story of bullying.

Just the other day, I was sharing with my kids about my experiences of being teased about my curly hair when I was younger. My kids responded to this story with empathy and a desire for justice. This reminded me that as parents, you and I can be a part of the solution when it comes to bullying.

If you want to help your teens stand against bullying, even though it’s a complex social issue, here are some things to consider:

SHARE YOUR EXPERIENCES AND VALUES

You can use your experience, even if you were a bystander or the person bullying. There are lessons and insights you can put forth for your teens to consider.

Focus on sharing your values and on how you want to behave as a human and let those guide these conversations (e.g. kindness or caring). Actions speaks loudly- consider how you are showing and living your values daily.

Photo by Helena Lopes on Unsplash

TEACHING ASSERTIVENESS AND CONFIDENCE SKILLS

Assertiveness is different from aggression. Being assertive is standing up for the things you think, feel, and believe by expressing yourself in a way that is honest and respectful of others thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.

This includes being open, listening to others, being accountable, apologizing for mistakes, expressing yourself, seeing your fellow humans as equal, sharing your appreciation of others. The best way to do this is by modeling it!

Consider the way you talk about others in front of your teen (or in general). Think about the interactions between your teen and yourself- are you open and listening? Do you name it when you make a mistake? Are you ok with disagreeing on viewpoints? Do you let them know when you appreciate something they’ve done or the way they’ve behaved?  

It’s a work in progress.

The next best thing to modeling is capturing teachable moments and jumping on those brief  but important conversations.

Remember teens are really orienting to their peers so knowing their friends and the groups where they spend their time will also help you have an idea of what they are learning and being influenced by.

Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash

BUILD ALLIES

Always encourage your teen to tell someone they trust if they are being bullied or witnessing bullying – you, a teacher, coach, guidance counsellor, etc. It can be really hard to share if someone is hurting or scaring you, so be patient with your teen and keep those invitations open.

Remind your teen they are not alone- and reassure them that you are part of their squad. Proceed in a collaborative way with your teen by asking them how they would like to handle the situation and who they think could help support.

*** Ok this may sound contrary to what I just said but it is important to know there will be times when your teen will ask you to tell no one. Listen to them and their concerns about sharing, show them compassion, and let them know that you may still have to reach out to others in order to change things and support them.

Encourage your teen to find friendships that are supportive (on-line and in person). If your teen does not have those friendships already, consider how you might support them in that area. Encouraging them to join a group, club, trying a new hobby or volunteering can be great ways to meet new people.

Photo by Maria Teneva on Unsplash

CHECK OUT ONLINE RESOURCES

The internet has so much information on bullying as well as specific steps to take to help resolve situations. Do some research and share the really interesting stuff you find with your teens. Here are a few ideas:

There are also great resources online with the aim of letting teens know they are not alone in their experiences. Here are a few resources you can check out:

​*** This is nowhere near an exhaustive list- please find and add in the comments what you find 😊

portrait of Chantal outside in a fieldChantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with. If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook. 

28 Sep
Confidence, Emotions, For Parents, For Teens, Relationships

Teen Attitude – How much of it is typical and what can be “corrected”?

The snarky No’s and endless attitude of living with teen attitude can be hurtful and hard to take some days. What if you have 3 teens or 5 for that matter! If you are looking to survive the teen years, while hanging on to the great things in your relationship, read on:

Don’t take it personally– Don’t Read this when you are arguing with your teen because otherwise you will skip this post altogether.  The eye rolls, attitude, sarcasm, testing limits, it’s pretty much all typical and expected. **Note I didn’t say easy.

Some parents have asked me if they should let their teen know they don’t appreciate the tone or the behaviours. For the most part, I recommend letting it be and deciding which are the battles worth fighting for. I think you can bring it up if you are saying it from a neutral place (so maybe the next day). There may be a chance that they hear that and think twice next time, but that’s a bonus, not the goal.

Self-Care for you–You are the adult and you have more experience and more access to your fully wired brain (most of the time). The more you take the time to care for yourself, the more you are able to let things roll off your back and it pays off for everyone. I have a pretty non-negotiable morning routine that includes meditation and a workout to help me be more even keeled throughout the day. What do you do ?

Photo by Eric Mok on Unsplash

Practice your ABC’s –

  • Attentively listen
  • Boundaries
  • Connect

Even when there is teen attitude going on, hear their concerns, ask about them and really listen. Stick to your boundaries. You are going to have some hard No’s based on your values and beliefs as a parent. If you are coming from a place of love they are important to have. Above all, connect. Let them know you hear the suck and the struggle.

Know all of this is part of an important developmental milestone – Teens develop important skills like cooperation, problem solving, and negotiation by essentially acting out to some degree. For better or worse, you are the identified safe ground to try out these skills – including teen attitude. To get the thinking brain at work here you can try a paraphrase once in a while, “so what I heard you say is everyone you play games with is fine with being cursed at and talked down to”.

Photo from Canva Pro 

Allow yourself thinking time– When your teen is throwing their teen attitude around, it’s ok to say “we are not having this discussion right now with us being so angry”. It’s ok to walk away (maybe not storm away) and come back to things, even if it’s the next day. Don’t ever let nagging cause you to cave on things that you have a hard line on.

Keep these in mind to help you shift your perspective and know your teen may be having a hard not giving you a hard time. Let the weight drop off you like sandbags and embrace self-love as a parent choosing to show

​If you found this post helpful, pass it on by emailing a friend or sharing it on Twitter or Facebook- Thanks!

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with. If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook. 

14 Sep
Confidence, For Parents, For Teens, Relationships

Do you trust your teen: talking parental controls

You know those apps that allow you to block, see and track your teens digital usage?
​
I’ve heard from many teens that parental controls feel restrictive and kinda disrespectful. Teens are bright and find creative ways to get around or disable these tools.

Ok.
Are you freaking out a bit?

It’s simply not a clear cut answer of whether or not parents should use parental controls on devices. What it boils down to are your intentions and how your decisions are supporting your teen to develop-

  • Critical thinking
  • Responsibility
  • Choice making skills

Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

If you want to have a respectful relationship with your teen, even if they won’t like all your decisions, let’s dive into this parental control idea.
​
Imagine this analogy: When you go tobogganing (living in Canada here, thinking of snow!) you will see kids with snow pants, no snow pants, helmets, no helmets, some taking insane jumps and others sliding down cautiously.

Internet safety is a part of parenting to help teach your kids the behaviours you think will line them up for safety and success just like any other potentially dangerous activity.

Digital Citizenship

Online communities are like in person communities in that there are responsibilities social norms and folks that behave in all kinds of ways. 

Photo by Creative Christians on Unsplash

Educating your teen on digital citizenship starts with You. Understand the 7 key areas:

  • Empathy
  • How the Internet works
  • Understanding user data
  • Practicing digital literacy
  • Acknowledging the digital divide
  • Practicing digital wellness
  • Securing digital devices

Chris Zook goes into more detail on each on these here

​By having conversations with your teen (yes multiple conversations ) about the online world, you are building trust, responsibility and their ability to make informed choices.
​
And listen they’re gonna mess up because that’s how humans discover, learn and grow in this world.

Age Matters

Conversations on how to use the internet safely need to begin as soon as your kiddos start using technology. Now of course, what you will say to a 4-year old is going to be completely different then talking to your 13-year old.
​
Talk to your teens about what they are seeing, who they are interacting with, and what is catching their attention online. This is a huge insight into their world and what is important to them right now.

Photo by Julia Coimbra on Unsplash

Ask yourself, “what’s my intention?” If it’s to block all potentially disturbing content and track your teen’s online behaviours, you may see this backfiring on developing a respectful relationship with them.
​
Perhaps you are in a situation where parental monitoring is a big challenge right now? You have your specific reasons for considering parental controls.

Photo by Michael Jeffery on Unsplash

It is so important that you consider what actions you are going to take to continue building trust and develop your teen’s ability to make smart choices and take responsibility.

Talk to them about why you are making internet use decisions and be prepared to hear their concerns. Help them by connecting your reasoning to their hopes and goals (e.g. if they wanna get good grades, sleep and reduced tech use before bed will help them reach this).
​
Consider flexibility within the controls.

No matter what decision you make, you will Stay in your teen’s squad if you approach it relationship first.

​If you found this post helpful, pass it on by emailing a friend or sharing it on Twitter or Facebook- Thanks!

 

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with. If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook. 

31 Aug
Emotions, For Parents, For Teens, Teen Joy

When Thin is the Fashion Statement – Teens and Body Image

I was reading an article about this amazing “new” summer dress that was circulating on social media, you know the one with the strawberries?!  Only to find out it wasn’t new at all as it had been worn by plus size model Tess Holliday at the beginning of 2020.

​The dress had been mocked at the time and now is a big hit. ​

The primary difference: the body types wearing the dress!

Photo by Canva

I was struck by this realization although I know I have been seeing this socialization my whole life. It reminded me that when I was young, I really wanted to wear short shorts but when I did, I was always tugging at them and looking behind me to see if my cellulite was exposed. I have come a long way with body image and self-love.

The messages social media pumps out about style is that it is depends on your body type and not about what you love.

BUT IT DOESN’T have to end there.

I want to help you take those “I’m not (insert defeating adjective here- e.g. beautiful/curvy/thin/sexy/good) enough” thoughts and STOP letting them control your choices.

If you agonize over your clothes, skipping out on those pieces you would love to wear because you are afraid they won’t fit you, check out these 5 body image tips.

Photo by Drop the Label Movement on Unsplash

Find Positive Body Image Role Models

It can be your Mom, auntie, Bff’s Mom- anyone who is putting out the vibe of loving their body in its imperfect form.

Be critical of what you see in the media and find models and celebs that are similar to you.

Know Where to Get Information About Bodies and Body Changes

Talk to your trusted adults and ask questions. They have likely been asked by someone before.

Get your information from reputable sources such as teen talk, teens health and mindyourmind.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Take Social Media Breaks

Unplug, turn it off, step away, stop scrolling those feeds and let your eyes and brain take in other stimuli.

Get out for a walk, hang out with a good friend, immerse yourself in your life and the enjoyable moments.

Practice Body Acceptance

Notice what your body can do and how it can move.  Whether it’s dancing, stretching, running, being still, etc.

Compliment yourself every single day about one quality (inner and outer) that makes you, You. So important to practice this every day.

List 3 things you like about your body and Check out this body image booster download

Practice Body Awareness

Notice which clothes feel good on your body. Tune in and take the time to stretch, breathe and ask yourself how your body is feeling in this moment.

Notice the messages you are saying to yourself about your body- how do they make you feel? If you were talking to a close friend would you say the same thing?

Photo by Gemma Chua-Tran on Unsplash

By following these tips and taking care of your body with what you put in it, how much you rest you get, and staying active every day, you will bring confidence, clarity, and strength to your life.

​If you found this post helpful, pass it on by emailing a friend or sharing it on Twitter or Facebook- Thanks!

– Chantal Côté, R.Psych, Pyramid Psychology- helping older children, teens, and young adults learn how to build bulletproof mindsets

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

19 Aug
For Parents, For Teens, Relationships, Teen Joy

How to Connect With Your Teen So They Feel Understood

When my kids do something pretty outrageous, my first urge is yell- “what were you thinking?!?!”
​
It’s a work in progress, I take a lot of deep breaths, and repeat my 3 mantras. I still often default to – what were they thinking ?!

Connecting with your teens can be hard, especially if you are met with sarcasm, mean words, and attitude that would pierce even the hardest of heart shells.

Photo by Kevin Lehtla on Unsplash

What’s Going On With Their Brain

Tween and teen brains are undergoing many different developmental changes and their identities are forming. Their limbic system (emotion centre, reward, pleasure, and motivation) is ON and their pre-frontal system (rational, impulse control, decision making) is still wiring.

This means youth are much more prone to interpret body language, tone, and words as judgmental and self-focused. You might say “Oh, new shirt?” and it may be received as “you look bad” or “I’m noticing all of your imperfections”.

This can make it hard to say the right thing or not have a 40 foot wall suddenly appear between the two of you.

If you want to flip some of those interactions and connect with your teen, even though you are tired and don’t need another thing for your brain to take in, here is a no-brainer I have found super helpful.

I stick to these 3 mantras to guide me:

  1. I want to understand
  2. I am listening with empathy
  3. I may not like it, but we can get to that

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

I Want To Understand

I follow the L.I.S.T.E.N acronym: Listen, Inquire, Self-Regulate, Tone, Empathy, No advice giving. I want to understand is about 100% curiosity and trying to understand as best you can their experience. It’s not an interrogation. It’s not a solution giveaway. This is a great way to get your teen to build their reflective and awareness skills. There will be opportunities for advice, guidance and coaching, but to start off with, using LISTEN can really help open up that dialogue.

I am Listening With Empathy

I already said empathy I know, but this one deserves its own mantra. The definition of empathy, courtesy of Brené Brown is “to be nonjudgmental, understand another person’s feelings, and to communicate your understanding of that person’s feelings”.

When all I want to do is give the solution, explain my stance, or just tell them to stop, these are my red flags that I am not listening with empathy. I pause and reset and authentically say something from a place of empathy like, “that sounds really hard”, “I know it doesn’t seem fair”, “I can’t imagine…”.

​It’s a game changer.

Photo by Canva

I May Not Like It, But We Can Get To That

Some things will be hard to listen to! There are going to be times when you will have to clarify expectations, help them navigate safety in situations, and give some helpful suggestions. “But We can get to that” reminds me that I always want to start with the first two mantras.

You can always come back to things that are important in another conversation. Your relationship with your teen and the conversations that go with it are not a One Shot Deal.

If you follow these 3 mantras you are sure to feel more connected to your teen and stay a support in their squad.

​If you found this post helpful, pass it on by emailing a friend or sharing it on Twitter or Facebook- Thanks!

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

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