From Feeling Alone to Connected: Finding Your Way out of Loneliness
Sam scrolled through her phone for the twelfth time that night. She was watching her friends’ group chat light up with plans she wasn’t invited to. Maybe they don’t actually like me, she thought, her chest tightening. Lately, she’d felt invisible, surrounded by people all the time in the hallways at school and online in chats- but it was like no one really saw her or cared if she was there. She wanted to reach out, but the fear of being rejected or bothering people kept her silent.
Feeling lonely can be overwhelming. No matter how lonely you feel, please know you’re not alone in this. So many teen girls experience the same thing—wanting deeper friendships but not knowing how to find them. Sometimes, the right people are closer than you think; it just takes the right space to learn how to connect. That’s why THP (The Happiness Path) was created—to bring girls together in a safe, supportive group where real friendships form and teens can start to feel confident to make new friends. After THP, teens can go from feeling alone to connected.
In THP, girls like Sam learn how to build confidence in social situations, recognize their worth, and surround themselves with people who truly care. If you’ve ever felt like you don’t belong, THP can help you find the connections and confidence you’ve been looking for. You don’t have to do this alone—your people are out there, and this is your chance to find them.
With gratitude,
Chantal Côté
Registered Psychologist & Teen Life Coach
Founder of Pyramid Psychology and The Happiness Path
Looking Beyond Self-Doubt: Helping Your Teen Find Her Brave
Watching your teenage daughter struggle with anxiety can be crushing. You want to protect her, to help her skip all the things that make her feel terrible and anxious. The secret is true confidence isn’t built by avoiding fear- it grows when she faces it, little by little. Whether it’s speaking up in class, making a new friend, or trying something new, every small step outside her comfort zone teaches her that she can handle discomfort—and that’s where real resilience begins to start looking beyond self doubt, helping your teen find her brave!
This process, called exposure, helps rewire the brain. The more she leans into challenges instead of avoiding them, the more she tips the scale of confidence in her favour, giving less power to anxiety. It won’t be easy at first, but the reward is worth it: self-trust, confidence, and the belief that she is stronger than her fears. That’s exactly what we do in THP (The Happiness Path)—helping teen girls take those steps in a supportive environment, surrounded by others doing the same.
If your daughter struggles with self-doubt or fear, THP can help her find her brave, one step at a time. She doesn’t have to do it alone, and neither do you. Resilience isn’t about never feeling anxious—it’s about learning she has the power to move through it. And when she does? That’s when she realizes she’s capable of more than she ever imagined.
Chantal Côté
Registered Psychologist & Teen Life Coach
Founder of Pyramid Psychology and The Happiness Path
Did you know your teen daughter is likely having thoughts that they might fail at the important things in life?—whether it’s school, friendships, or future plans. The pressure to succeed and meet expectations can leave them so stressed, anxious, and stuck in self-doubt. While your instinct might be to encourage them to push through or think about it as a necessary part of getting to the next part of their journey, a powerful yet often overlooked tool is learning to pause and be present in the moment- this can help your teen become brave.
The Happiness Path: Teen Coaching to Build Resiliency Against Anxiety & Social Awkwardness CLICK HERE FOR DETAILS<<<
Your Teen Can Become Resilient
Imagine guiding teen girls to tune into their thoughts, emotions, and surroundings, helping them break free from the cycle of replaying past events or constantly stressing over the future. When they practice mindfulness and self-awareness, they gain clarity and confidence. Instead of being consumed by “what ifs” and worst-case scenarios, they can find space between the moment and their response. This grows their power to face challenges with a sense of “I can handle this” and focus. This shift not only eases their anxiety but also empowers them to make choices that align with what matters most to them, rather than just doing what they think they should do.
In our 6-week group program, The Happiness Path (THP), we dedicate week 2 to helping teenagers experience being present and practice in real-time with creative and fun exercises. By strengthening their ability to be present, your daughter can navigate life’s pressures with resilience and intention. They learn that failure isn’t something to fear—it’s part of growth. And more importantly, they begin to see that success isn’t just about meeting expectations but about building a future that feels meaningful and fulfilling to them. And that is how we can help your teen become brave!
Chantal Côté
Registered Psychologist & Teen Life Coach
Founder of Pyramid Psychology and The Happiness Path
Discovering that your teen is self harming can be a really shocking experience. Moreover, you might be thinking: why would they do this to themselves? Or, don’t they see that I love and care for them? Likewise, as a parent, your first instinct is to want to help your teen and to stop the harmful behavior. But, what happens when your teen won’t discuss self-harm? Firstly, I want to let you know that you are not alone and that this is a very common subject.
1. Stay Calm and Approach with Compassion When Your Teen Won’t Discuss Self-Harm
Your teen is already dealing with overwhelming emotions. Because of this, the self harm acts as a way to help combat the overwhelming feelings and provide some relief. Therefore, they do not want you to project your negative emotions of fear, sadness, anger, shock, etc onto them. It is far more beneficial to approach from a place of calmness and compassion. So, try to empathize with your teen, and let them know you are there for them.
2. Create a Safe Space for Communication
Furthermore, let your teen know that you are not there to judge them. And, they may need time to come to a place where they are feeling ready to open up. So, give them that time to process things. Subsequently, most people can sense when a conversation feels forced, including your teen. Therefore, ensure that when the conversation happens, it is done when your teen feels safe and comfortable.
Meanwhile, it can help you provide better support when you’re aware of the full scope of what self harming entails, when your teen won’t discuss self-harm. However, it is not usually a suicide attempt, but more about relieving overwhelming emotions. Also, there are lots of books, and information on the internet related to this topic. Besides, we also have other blogs written in order to help educate you. For further reading on this topic related to self harm and why it happens in teens, click here!
4. Offer Alternative Ways to Express Emotions
There are many safer alternatives for relieving overwhelming emotions. Specifically, ice baths or cold showers can provide a similar feeling by shocking the nervous system, making your teen more adaptable to stress over time. Also, you could also suggest punching bags for overwhelming feelings of anger or rage. Additionally, crying or screaming into a pillow might also help. Some meditative options could be painting or drawing, or even something like dancing or lifting weights. Of course, having a session with a therapist or coach is a great place to express feelings and emotions. Essentially, suggest healthier options and see which one works best for your teen. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>to download our free self-soothe kit for self harm click here<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
5. Seek Professional Support When Your Teen Won’t Discuss Self-Harm
If your teen refuses to talk or their self-harm continues, consider reaching out to a professional. Such as: therapists, coaches, or support groups. These professionals can provide a safe and neutral environment for them to open up. In addition, let your teen know that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
6. When Your Teen Won’t Discuss Self-Harm, Check-In Without Pressuring
Although your teen doesn’t want to talk, it’s better to still maintain contact with them with check-ins. Such as, a simple “just wanted to see how you were feeling today”. or “is there anything I can do for you?”
or, “is there anything on your mind you’d like to talk about?” could potentially initiate a conversation.
7. Finally, Take Care of Yourself Too!
Supporting a teen who self-harms can be very tiring emotionally. Therefore, ensure you have a support system for yourself, whether it’s talking to a friend, joining a support group, or seeking professional guidance. Moreover, your well-being is crucial in providing the best care for your teen. Also, it’s better to set a good example for your teen. Similarly by showing that you are able to care for yourself and are coming from a place of peace and wellness and not a place of stress and burn-out. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>to download our free self-soothe kit for self harm click here<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Final Thoughts
In summary, don’t lose hope and stay strong throughout this difficult time- even when your teen won’t discuss self-harm. Likewise, continue showing them love, patience, and understanding. Above all, although they may not say it, knowing they have someone who cares and won’t give up on them can mean the world to them. Finally, keep the door open for conversation. Also remind them that they are not alone in their struggles.
About Kari
I am a life coach at Pyramid Psychology. In addition, I have several diplomas applicable to life coaching; including Coaching for Adolescents, Women’s Empowerment and Gender Equality. Also, I’ve taken several webinars from Gabor Mate on Trauma/Family Trauma, the Somatic Institute for Women, and have studied extensively about narcissistic personality disorder and histrionic personality disorder. Empowering girls is a passion of mine, Moreover, I am blessed to be able to help and inspire other girls to break societal norms and follow their dreams as well.
To book a session with Kari click here
Self-harm among teenagers is a growing concern that many parents, caregivers, and educators struggle to understand. It can be alarming to discover that a teen is engaging in self-injury, and the immediate reaction is often fear, confusion, or even frustration. Therefore, many parents wonder, why does self harm happen in teens?
In effect, self-harm is not simply about seeking attention—it is a coping mechanism that signals deep emotional distress.
Why Does Self Harm Happen in Teens?
Self-harm, such as cutting, burning, or scratching, is often a response to overwhelming emotions. Additionally, while the reasons behind it can vary from person to person, common factors include:
Emotional Distress & Regulation
Because of emotional distress, many teens use self-harm as a way to cope. So, they may not have the skills to express these feelings in a healthy way, and they turn to self-injury as a means of relief.
>>>>>>To download our self sooth kit for teens struggling with self harm: click here <<<<<<<<<<<
A Sense of Control
In addition, for some- life can feel unpredictable and chaotic. Therefore, engaging in self-harm gives them a sense of control over their pain, especially when they feel powerless in other areas of their lives.
Relief from Numbness
Surprisingly, some teens self-harm not because they feel too much but because they feel too little. Therefore, emotional numbness or dissociation can lead them to self-injury as a way to feel something—even if it is pain.
Expression of Inner Pain
Also, teens who struggle to verbalize their emotions may use self-harm as a way to communicate their distress. Furthermore, it is often a silent cry for help rather than a deliberate attempt to seek attention.
Peer Influence & Social Pressures
With the rise of social media, self-harm can sometimes be normalized within certain online communities. So, teens may be exposed to others engaging in self-injury and feel encouraged to do the same.
Underlying Mental Health Concerns
It is important to realize self-harm is often linked to conditions such as depression, anxiety, trauma, or borderline personality disorder. Therefore, addressing these root issues is key to helping a teen move toward healing.
>>>>>>To download our self sooth kit for teens struggling with self harm: click here <<<<<<<<<<<
How Can You Help Your Teen That is Self Harming?
In summary: if you suspect a teen in your life is self-harming, it is specifically crucial to respond with compassion rather than judgment. Here are some ways to support them:
Start the conversation – Let them know you are there to listen without pressure or criticism.
Encourage professional help – Therapy can provide teens with healthier coping mechanisms and emotional support.
Help them develop new skills – Journaling, art, mindfulness, and exercise are all positive outlets for emotional expression.
Create a safe environment – Reducing stress and providing reassurance can make a significant difference.
Seeking Support for Self Harm in Teens
Likewise, if your teen or someone you know is struggling with self-harm, and you’d like to dive further into why does self harm happen in teens- professional support can help them navigate these emotions in a safe and constructive way. Moreover, as a therapist specializing in adolescent mental health, I offer a compassionate and non-judgmental space where teens can explore their feelings, develop coping strategies, and begin their journey to healing.
With this in mind, you don’t have to go through this alone. Reach out today to schedule a session and take the first step toward understanding and support.
About Chipo Chipo is a Registered Social Worker with a Master’s in Clinical Social Work, providing compassionate and culturally competent therapy to teens, adults, and families. With advanced training in Trauma-Informed Therapy, Narrative Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and Mindfulness, Chipo helps clients address a range of challenges, including anxiety, depression, trauma, grief, and life transitions.
Through a trauma-informed, anti-oppressive, and intersectional lens, Chipo creates a safe and inclusive environment where each client feels genuinely heard and understood. To book a session with Chipo click here
Helping Your Teen Build Healthy Friendships: The Power of Perspective-Taking
Parenting a teen girl is like navigating a constantly shifting landscape. One of the most valuable skills they can develop during this time is perspective-taking. The ability to see the larger picture beyond their experience. Being that a teen’s nature is to be egocentric (focused on themselves) your support as a parent to model and ask curious questions goes a long way in helping your teen build friendships.
At this age, friendships and social interactions take center stage in their minds. So when challenges arise—whether it’s a difficult friendship, a social letdown, or a situation where you clearly see the red flags—it’s natural to want to protect them by pointing out the negatives. However, jumping into this often creates backfire. Moreover, your teen daughter might be even more sunk into the drama and the toxic friendship. Shifting the conversation to get curious about what qualities bring happiness and fulfillment can be a powerful tool. Also, it can work towards helping your teen build friendships.
How to Raise Unbreakable Teen Girls: A guide for parents wanting to raise confident, resilient young women in today’s world.CLICK HERE FOR FREE DOWNLOAD<<<
The Power of Perspective to Help Your Teen Build Friendships
For example, highlighting why a particular friendship may not be serving them might not be beneficial. Instead, you can try inviting your teen into a different kind of reflection:
“Which friends bring you the most joy? Who do you feel good around most of the time?”
This subtle shift encourages them to observe their own emotional responses. Therefore, it doesn’t focus on perceived external judgment about their friend choices. This also starts to fine tune their listening to their own internal guide for healthy relationships. So it’s no longer about saying, “This friend is bad for you” but rather, “You get to decide what makes a friendship fulfilling.”
Imagine your teen beginning to think:
“Friend A and B are both in my life. However, I feel positive emotions 90% of the time with Friend A, while with Friend B it’s only about 10% of the time. The 10% of frustrating moments with Friend A aren’t a dealbreaker because there’s a lot of good brought into my life. Moreover, if I only feel positive feelings around Friend B a small fraction of the time, maybe that’s not enough to outweigh the negativity.”
This kind of self-driven reflection leads to natural boundary-setting, rather than a parent-imposed rule of who to hang out with.
How to Raise Unbreakable Teen Girls: A guide for parents wanting to raise confident, resilient young women in today’s world.CLICK HERE FOR FREE DOWNLOAD<<<
Building the Muscle of Perspective-Taking
Being there for her in tough moments is invaluable so this is not about trying to see the bright side all the time or looking through rosy coloured glasses. This is about validating and being supporting WHILE helping broaden their lens to empower their growing perspective taking skills.
Helping your teen daughter develop this mindset requires gentle, consistent practice. In addition, here are a few simple ways to reinforce perspective-taking in daily conversations:
Ask Curious Open-Ended Questions Instead of focusing on the difficult aspects of relationships most of the time, encourage curiosity:
“What was the best part of your day today?”
“Who made you laugh the most?”
“What’s one moment you really appreciated?How to Raise Unbreakable Teen Girls: A guide for parents wanting to raise confident, resilient young women in today’s world.CLICK HERE FOR FREE DOWNLOAD<<<
Shift the Narrative from Problems to Patterns
If they’re venting about a friendship, you can validate their feelings while guiding them toward a bigger picture:
“I can see why that was frustrating. Do you notice this happens a lot in this friendship, or was today just a tough moment?”
“Who in your life makes you feel the opposite of this?”
Encourage Reflection, Not Immediate Action
Teens don’t always need to act on an issue right away. Sometimes, a simmer to notice the pattern first is the next helpful step. A simple check-in like, “Let’s pay attention to what you notice and how it feels over the next couple of weeks,” can help them process things at their own pace, which can go a long way in helping your teen build friendships.
Why Perspective-Taking Matters
Developing this skill is about more than just friendships. It’s about emotional regulation, resilience, and self-awareness—all key tools for navigating life’s challenges. The ability to step back and make intentional choices will serve your teen in school, relationships, and eventually, in adulthood.
And the best part? You don’t have to have all the answers.
Just by modeling this approach, validating their experiences, and redirecting the focus toward the relationships and experiences that bring them joy, you’re helping them develop the internal compass they’ll use for years to come.
What’s one small way you could practice perspective-taking today to work towards helping your teen build friendships? We’d love to hear what’s been working for you.
I am a registered psychologist and teen coach working with teen girls around the globe (and their parents) to help them build Unbreakable Mindsets.
I was born in Ontario and raised in Alberta. As a result of my family encouraging us to speak French growing up (I didn’t always love it as a teen though!), I am bilingual. I love being close to the mountains and am in awe every time I see the beautiful landscapes. For now my RV is home and I offer virtual sessions.
This blog post is for teens who may be struggling to know what a “wise” friendship looks like. I have put together a few ideas below, but we would love to hear your ideas as well!
I think it is safe to say most of us have heard the adage, “choose your friends wisely”. What exactly that means, however, is talked about less frequently.
Photo by Gemma Chua-Tran on Unsplash
Choose your friendships wisely… what it DOESN’T mean:
My friend will never make mistakes.
Everyone makes mistakes at some point, and a friend is no different. Being able to forgive, both ourselves and others, is an important part of healthy communication and friendship.
My friend and I must have the same interests.
Having interests in common with a friend can be a wonderful thing! That doesn’t mean, however, that you must share a lot of the same interests in order to be friends. Sometimes we can learn the most from people who have different values or interests than us.
My friend and I will share everything with each other.
There is a greater degree of openness and vulnerability with good friends, but this does not mean we need to share everything with each other. Finding healthy boundaries about what to share, how much to share, and when, is a key part of making wise friendships.
Choose your friendships wisely… what it DOES mean:
My friend and I will support each other.
In a healthy friendship, there will be mutual support. This does not mean the support is available 24/7 or that it will always be delivered in your ideal way (different love languages, anyone?), but a good friend will want to listen, understand, and support you in what you may be going through.
My friend and I are allowed to have boundaries.
Everyone is different and will have different boundaries based on factors like interests, values, activities, time, energy, topics of conversation, and needs. Understanding that a good friend may have different boundaries than you is a sign of a healthy friendship.
Photo by Katy Anne on Unsplash
My friend and I have mutual respect and honesty.
In the context of people being human, making mistakes, and being so different, a sign of a healthy friendship is being honest with each other and respecting differences. This means both respecting our friends, but also respecting ourselves. A friendship is unlikely to always be 50/50, but it should also not always be one-sided.
My friend and I have a dynamic friendship.
What I mean by this is that a healthy friendship will have moments of fun, deeper conversation, adventure, support, learning, casual times, and more. If you notice that your friend is always talking about really hard, difficult things, or that maybe you never talk about anything more personal, it may be time to switch it up a bit!
These are just a few ideas about what a wise friendship may or may not look like, but there are many more! If you have any ideas you would like to share, send us a note on Instagram or even e-mail at jessa@pyramidpsychology.com.
Jessa is a provisional psychologist living and servicing teens and young adults in Calgary, Alberta.
Jessa is passionate about helping people become the best version of themselves and is continually learning how to best support her clients. She has experience with acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) and cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), but most importantly she emphasizes the therapeutic relationship.
A safe, authentic relationship is key for therapy to work. Jessa prioritizes compassion and nonjudgmental curiosity. Together, she can find out what matters most to you and how to get there.
If you think Jessa may be a good match for you, please feel free to reach out and set up a free consult or book a session. She is looking forward to hearing from you!
Once a month, she writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents, teens and young adults she connects with. If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagramor Facebook.
When we talk about stepping into your spotlight, it can be hard to know what the ‘spotlight’ is. How will you know when you have found your spotlight? Will you feel completely happy and that things are finally “perfect” when you have found it?
An eBook with 10 mental health exercises every teen girl needs to know to improve focus, boost happy hormones, cope with tricky feelings, and develop self-compassion.
You may disagree with me, but I tend to define “stepping into your spotlight” as a dynamic process instead of a specific goal. Your spotlight may change over time and being in your spotlight may never feel 100% happy and fuzzy – it may feel challenging, scary, but at the core it is life-giving and meaningful. Stepping into your spotlight can be making progress towards a dream career, but it can also be all those little choices you make along the way, whether an end goal is in sight or not.
Thinking about my own teen years, I was never one of those people who knew from a young age what I wanted to be when I grew up. Now that I am a little bit older, and hopefully a little wiser, I think that question can be a bit confusing. Instead of thinking about “what” I want to be, I think about “who” I want to be.
Who I want to be applies to right now, in this moment, in addition to my future hopes and dreams. I think about how I can step into my spotlight, or be my most authentic self while pursuing my goals and living according to my values, within my current reality.
An eBook with 10 mental health exercises every teen girl needs to know to improve focus, boost happy hormones, cope with tricky feelings, and develop self-compassion.
When I was considering what I wanted to be, my thoughts went into endless comparisons. It was impossible to make a “perfect” choice with so many hypotheticals and unknowns. My mind went back and forth between looking for the perfect end goal and determining that the grass is always greener on the other side. I have
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
since left this mindset behind, and have spent more time acknowledging that “the grass is greenest where you water it” (Neil Barringham).
If you already have a spotlight in mind, that is amazing! GO FOR IT!!
But if you’re like me, and you are less sure on what your spotlight looks like, know that you can find it along the way. You can read a little more about my process after high school graduation here: ‘Planning For The Future After High School Graduation’.
I am also available for 1:1 support to sort through the muck of figuring out what and who you want to be. Book your free consultation here.*
Love,
Jessa Tiemstra
Provisional Psychologist servicing teen girls and young adults.
*1:1 services available for teen girls living in Alberta, Canada
Jessa is a provisional psychologist living and servicing teens and young adults in Calgary, Alberta.
Jessa is passionate about helping people become the best version of themselves and is continually learning how to best support her clients. She has experience with acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) and cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), but most importantly she emphasizes the therapeutic relationship.
A safe, authentic relationship is key for therapy to work. Jessa prioritizes compassion and nonjudgmental curiosity. Together, she can find out what matters most to you and how to get there.
If you think Jessa may be a good match for you, please feel free to reach out and set up a free consult or book a session. She is looking forward to hearing from you!
Once a month, she writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents, teens and young adults she connects with. If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagramor Facebook.
Being Popular At School: 3 Questions for Teen Girls
Photo by Eliott Reyna on Unsplash
Being popular at school, having anxiety about friendships, and uncertainty about the school year are topics that keep coming up with the teen girls I work with. It brings to mind a quote that has been churning in my mind recently. A quote you have likely heard!
““Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind”.
Although some sources credit the saying to Dr. Seuss, there is a disagreement over whom the original author was, with some believing it was actually Bernard Baruch. Regardless of the original authorship, I find the quote to be insightful and relevant to the teen girls I have the honour of working with (and pretty relevant to anyone, really!).
I know friendships and popularity at school are on the minds of teen girls because questions such as “will I be with my friends?”, “what if no one likes me?”, and “what if I am not popular at school, or what if I am never popular?” are common in the therapy room. These questions shine a light on the underlying human condition to socialise and feel accepted, which, while more acute in the teenage years, is not just a “teenage thing”. I have yet to meet a person who did not long for at least some human connection, to be seen and heard, or to be liked, and similarly, who did not have a fear or at least dislike of rejection.
The relative strength of these factors vary, but in one form or another, are ubiquitous in us humans. Humans are social beings, so it makes a lot of sense why back-to-school fears about friendships and fitting in are so common.
But…just because it’s common, doesn’t mean it’s easy.
Note: If anxiety around friendships is common for you, here is a free Anxiety Toolkit that includes 10 exercises and various free videos to help you master it:
Being Popular At School: 3 Questions For Teen Girls
For teens that are worried about being popular at school, have anxiety about friendships, or a fear of not being liked, I often ask them a series of questions:
Being Popular At School Question #1: Let’s imagine for a minute that everyone liked you, what kind of world would that be?
Most teen girls that I talk to conclude that a world like that “would be terrible”. In terms of reasons why, they say that in such a world, a person would always be changing to meet the interests of others and not be true to themselves, or they would have no boundaries or may not be standing up for what they know to be right.
Being Popular At School Question #2: Is there anything more important than being liked?
When given a chance to think about this question, many of the teen girls I work with have identified a number of things more important than being liked.
From the teen girls themselves, here are some of the reasons they commonly share are more important than being liked:
Being true to oneself
Standing up for what is right
Standing up for friends or family
Having healthy relationships
Being kind
Being Popular At School Question #3: Is it more important for other people to like us, or for us to like (or at least respect) ourselves?
This question is best asked last, because after exploring the previous questions, most teen girls tell me it is more important to be true to who they are and to like themselves rather than have the approval of others.
Usually, at this point in the conversation, the issue of being liked or not doesn’t feel as huge or scary of a problem as at the start.
Are some of those feelings and questions still there? Of course! But the question of being liked or popular becomes less of an identity-defining, terrifying issue.
Our team has also developed 7 questions you can ask yourself to ensure the friendships you have are good ones. You can access them in our blog article here:
This brings us back to the quote: “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind”… It’s not that those people who mind “don’t matter”, but that they shouldn’t have the power or influence to dictate who you are or change your sense of worth or morality.
Do you love learning and are super into school? Awesome!
Or do you find joy in video games, anime, or make-up? Amazing!
Or maybe your spark is in sports, music, art, or volunteering? Astounding!
You befriend the new kid at school even though they dress “uncool”? Awe-inspiring.
The reality is that everyone is different, and not everyone is going to click or jive together. And that’s okay. Perhaps instead of trying to be liked, you can find the things that are more important to you and take steps towards those hopes. Hope for you may be respecting and appreciating diversity, both for others and for ourselves. Or, it could be growing in greater self-respect and self-love.
The key to ask yourself is this:
What is so important to you that it doesn’t matter if others mind?
You can access support through our free Anxiety Toolkit (for anyone), or 1:1 sessions with me (Alberta residents only).
1:1 sessions with me include a complimentary 20-minute consultation to ensure we are a good fit. If you have benefits, they are also eligible for reimbursements.
Provisional Psychologist servicing teen girls and young adults.
Jessa is a provisional psychologist living and servicing teens and young adults in Calgary, Alberta.
Jessa is passionate about helping people become the best version of themselves and is continually learning how to best support her clients. She has experience with acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) and cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), but most importantly she emphasizes the therapeutic relationship.
A safe, authentic relationship is key for therapy to work. Jessa prioritizes compassion and nonjudgmental curiosity. Together, she can find out what matters most to you and how to get there.
If you think Jessa may be a good match for you, please feel free to reach out and set up a free consult or book a session. She is looking forward to hearing from you!
Once a month, she writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents, teens and young adults she connects with. If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagramor Facebook.
Ok today we’re writing about tricky feelings, those feelings that are difficult to experience, those that are pleasant, and feelings in general. I want to highlight that our relationship with our feelings is pretty important and if we learn to approach feelings with curiosity rather than resistance and judgement, we may find that we can cope much better.
I’ve decided to start by sharing a poem that I find quite profound and helpful in how I experience feelings. I like this poem for many different reasons, but mainly because, for me, it talks about how we can have a relationship with feelings and experience feelings in a way that isn’t scary. If we spend less time trying to avoid or deny a feeling and more time listening and learning about it, the experience may be easier to have and may teach us something.
Photo by Canva
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
— Jellaludin Rumi,
Feelings Don’t Last That Long
Photo by Canva
Learning and listening to our feelings may open the door to opportunities, as Rumi said, and the reality is feelings don’t necessarily last as long as we think. Feelings come and go and are constantly changing, but we may tend to perceive them as lasting a long time or not lasting long enough.
I saw a post on social mediathat shared a picture with two lines. The top line symbolized How long we think a feeling is going to last.
Beneath it was another line that symbolized How long a feeling actually lasts.
What it showed is typically we anticipate that tricky feelings are going to be more intense, last much longer, or be more scary than they actually are. It’s important for me to say that feelings are legitimate and some feelings are very difficult and painful to experience. YES, this is true and this is the human condition. Even those feelings don’t continually happen, we kind of tend to bob in and out of them in the mix of all our other experiences.
So this topic is about how to deal with tricky feelings and feelings that are difficult to have.
In our society, we are kind of taught to do a couple things with feelings.
One of them is to chase or gather a feeling that we really love. Say for example the feeling of happiness, excitement or joy. We’re always striving to have that feeling and have lots of that feeling, you know like the pursuit of happiness. In this case there is often a scarcity mentality, like there is just never enough of that feel good emotion. We can also become concerned about moments we are not feeling those more positive feelings, sending us on a futile hunt.
Another thing that we’re taught is not let ‘bad feelings’ in or to avoid, deny, or change them. There seems to be messages of shame around experiencing certain emotions that are perceived as negative like anger, sadness, anxiety, boredom, etc.
If we learn to approach feelings with curiosity rather than resistance and judgement, we may find that we can cope much better.
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If you imagine yourself as a little person inside a house and you think about feelings as visitors or guests, there are some that we openly invite in,
“Oh yes, come on in and take up all the space you need”, feelings like happiness, joy, peace, or calm.
Then there are other feelings like sadness, pain, or anxiety that we decide “I don’t want to have this feeling” so we slam the door in their face.
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The thing is these guests, the feelings, don’t just go away like that. They are quite persistent that they have something to share with you, and will just keep trying to find a way to get in. Those feelings end up kind of sticking around a lot longer than they need to, which can cause problems.
Thinking of feelings as guests or visitors, like Rumi wrote about and another book I will share with you, allows us to interact with them in a very curious way instead of being scared or reluctant to experience feelings, even if it’s one we think may not be great to have around.
The book ‘Visiting Feelings’ by Lauren Rubenstein is a great resource. It has beautiful artwork and a poetic tone to the writing. This book invites people to consider what a feeling might look like, sound like, feel like, and takes a curious approach to feelings.
I really wanted you to take a moment to sit with that possibility. Feelings as visitors, as guests.
Temporary. Impermanent. Not forever.
They will not last forever: good, bad, or terrible. I want to invite you to think about the different feelings you experience everyday and approach them with curiosity rather than judgement.
Consider asking the following questions of your feelings:
What does this feeling want me to know? What does it need right now? What is one thing I can do to learn more about it? Can I journal, draw, talk to someone about it, build it with clay, splatter paint to represent it, blast music that sounds like it?
Box Journaling
If you’re onboard with this idea of feelings as visitors or at least onboard with trying it out, I would invite you to try a journaling exercise. There are so many ways to journal and I am going to share one as I was inspired by Carla Sonheim, who shared this in a webinar.
Ok in reviewing my video above, I chuckled because I don’t quite know my left from my right, but rest assured the concept of box journaling is legitimate. I like box journaling because it combines free flowing ideas and creativity, as well as, some structure and idea prompting so that you can come away with an idea or an action to take that might be helpful.
For box journaling you will need a sheet of paper and a black marker (you can use a pen or pencil also). If you have pencil crayons or coloured markers, you can also use those. Start out by drawing a large box on your paper. You will then be dividing the box into 5 sections.
Section one:Draw a horizontal line under the top line of the box (creating its own little box within the larger box) and this is where you will put the date and you can add where you were when you journaled.
Section two and three: Underneath the horizontal box create two vertical boxes. These will take about two thirds of the page. The one on the left is the largest and the one on the right is slimmer. The left box is where you will put your free writing. The slimmer panel box on the right is where you will grab ideas from the free write and create a list of themes, ideas, key phrases, action items, etc.
Section four and five:Underneath the section 2/3 boxes you will create two smaller boxes that are about equal in size. They will take up the rest of the space on the paper. The box on the left will be for a drawing. This can be a squiggle, scribble, symbol, stick figure, or any kind of image that helps represent something about your writing or how you are feeling in that moment. The last box on the right is a miscellaneous box. You can continue some free writing here, continue your image, paste a quote, add an affirmation or word that inspires you, etc. You get to decide what goes here.
Box journaling can take as much or as little time as you have. If you only have 10 minutes, spend 5 minutes on the free write journaling and the rest in the other sections. If you have a little longer, give yourself at least 5-10 minutes to free write and then a few minutes with each of the other sections.
There’s an idea of what you can do to start to be curious about feelings. Consider for yourself, what are some other things you can do to invite feelings in and learn more about them while they are visiting?
If you found this post helpful, pass it on by emailing a friend or sharing it on Twitter or Facebook- Thanks!
5 Practical Ways to Take Control of your Happiness
Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.
Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.
Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.
If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us viaInstagram orFacebook.
As a parent, it can be easy to question the amount of time your teen is spending on their phone and be curious about the impact on mental health. Research indicates a correlation between increased screen time and teen depression (Association of Screen Time and Depression in Adolescence), but the situation is not completely black and white. Understanding the role that technology plays in teens’ lives and the pros and cons can help inform family decisions around screen time.
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Screen Time & Teen Depression: Factors to Consider
–There is a correlation between depression and screen time. It is true that excessive amounts of screen time can be a factor leading to depression, but teens who are struggling with depression are also likely to spend more time using technology as well (Association of Screen Time and Depression in Adolescence).
–The amount of time looking at screens is important to consider. Research indicates that both no screen time and too much screen time (usually defined as being over 6 hours per day) can have negative effects on a teen’s mental health and development. In contrast, screen time of around 2-4 hours a day is associated with cognitive and psychosocial benefits in the teenage years (Digital media: Promoting healthy screen use in school-aged children and adolescents)
–The content being viewed matters:
* If your teenager is frequently looking at photoshopped images of Instagram influencers or celebrities, they often start to compare themselves to these perfect images and lifestyles. In comparing themselves to these unattainable standards, your teen’s self-esteem may start to suffer, and they are more likely to experience symptoms of depression.
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*Technology can also be used for learning and exposure to new ideas and perspectives. School and homework are also increasingly online or require varying amounts of screen time.
–Technology and screen time provides teenagers with a way to connect, which is especially important during the socially isolating times of Covid-19 restrictions. Social connection, whether in-person or online, is vital in the teenage years and significantly decreases the likelihood of depression (Strong friendships in adolescence may benefit mental health in the long run).
–Excessive time spent on screens means that your teen is being less physically active and may be missing out on other meaningful activities. Exercise is a significant protective factor against depression at any age (Keep your teen moving to reduce risk of depression).
In collaborating on a screen time plan, think about having screen-free times or zones and what that may look like. For example, maybe there is a family agreement that cellphones will be put away during dinner, or that cellphones will be turned off an hour before bedtime.
Educate your teen on the pros and cons of technology use. Help them develop a critical eye that questions the information they are reading and the images they are seeing. Online safety is another very important conversation to have.
Role model what healthy technology use can look like, and encourage open and honest conversations with your teen.
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Consider incorporating more variety into the day or week, whether that be sports, a family walk, volunteering, or some other activity that encourages your teen to be present and engaged in the moment.
Use technology and screen time as a way to connect with your teen. Be curious about what they like about it and what they find meaningful or funny. If appropriate, maybe there is even a game to participate in together!
At the end of the day, each family needs to make their own decisions about screen time, knowing it will evolve as time goes, and find a way that best fits them. The key is to find a balance and to remember that screen time is neither all-good nor all-bad.
If you’re seeing your teen go through depression and are needing some support, my name is Jessa Tiemstra and I specialize in counselling for teen girls in Alberta, Canada. You can book a free consultation with me HERE.
Jessa is a counsellor that has recently completed her master of counselling degree through Athabasca University.
She is highly passionate about helping people become the best version of themselves and it is an honour for her to work alongside teens and their parents.
A few of her favourite things are spending time with her family, friends and pets, being in nature, cooking and eating delicious food. And also, she loves plants!
Once a month, she writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with. If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us viaInstagram orFacebook.
Your teen is blowing up and locking themselves in their bathroom for hours. You notice their motivation is at 0%, their mood is really low, and they are either telling you about their problems or keeping a tight lid on the struggle.
Photo by wocintechchat on Unsplash.
You are concerned about their body image, self-esteem, friendships, anxiety and negative thoughts.
You are noticing behaviours that are freaking you out…
Know that a lot of this is normal.
However, normal doesn’t mean easy and it doesn’t mean it can’t change.
If you’re in a hurry, you can catch the four factors in deciding if teen therapy is right for your teen, in this short video from our Founder, Psychologist & Teen Coach Chantal Côté here:
Here are four ways to tell if teen therapy is right for you:
1. Teen Therapy Factor #1: Current Supports
Take a look at their natural supports. Who does your teen have in their life that they can open up and talk to? That can be you, another relative, a teacher or a coach –
Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash
think of adults in their life that are natural supports they may look up to. Also consider people their age, a group of friends, or a club they may be part of; other teens they can talk to, have fun with, etc.If you’ve checked off a few of the people listed above, that’s a really good thing!
If you’re struggling to think of people your teen can trust and feel safe around, that’s a really good sign that teen therapy would be super beneficial.
Two of our team members here at Pyramid Psychology are currently taking on new clients. Alberta, Canada residents can book a free 20-minute session with Chip Bvindi or Jessa Tiemstra here:
Consider what your teen’s current stressors are. Of course, every teen will have some level of stress all the time! But really take a look at things a little deeper. Are there significant changes happening in your teen’s life right now? Think about things like family life, school, friendships, relationships, gender, identity, sexuality,
Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash
body image, self image in general, etc. Is there something going on in one of these areas that’s adding stress to your teen? Is something making things a little more complicated for them?
If you said ‘yes’ to any of the possible stressors above, this is an indication that teen therapy is a good resource for your teen.
You can book a free consultation with Jessa Tiemstra or Chipo Bvindi here:
3. Teen Therapy Factor #3: How Much The Problem Is Disrupting Daily Functioning
Are the stressors your teen is facing affecting their daily life? Here are three indications that your teen’s daily life is being affected:
Your teen struggling to get out of bed in the morning.
You hear your teen crying themselves to sleep most nights (or they tell you about it).
Your teen is engaging in maladaptive behaviours, like constantly being on their phone or pulling away from reality.
Photo by Kinga Cichewicz on Unsplash
If these things are happening regularly for your teen, it is an urgent sign that connecting them with someone else (1:1 therapy) is very important.
If, however, your teen is experiencing these things only from time to time, it may be part of regular stress.
If you’re not sure how often “time to time” is, and how often it would be considered an issue, book a free consultation with Chipo Bvindi or Jessa Tiemstra and we will ensure 1:1 therapy is the best option for your teen:
Last, but not least, taking a look at your teen’s coping strategies can help determine if they are needing extra support, or if they already have what they need to handle their stressors independently. Does your teen have activities they like to do that fills their time and lifts their mood when they are struggling? Looking at how connected your teen is to community is helpful here too – are they part of a group or organization they can reach out to, that connects them to others, and makes them feel good + safe? Does your teen have things they turn to in times of stress, like movement or art? Think about how connected your teen is to their emotions – can they name their emotions and name what they need to help? Does your teen take action when they are feeling overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, or depressed? Or
Photo by Gautam Arora on Unplash
do they let their emotions drag them down?
If you read the above paragraph and have listed several coping strategies your teen utilizes on a regular basis, they are likely well on their way to independently handling their stressors!
If you noticed your teen could use some more support in this area, it’s a good idea to reach out to one of our therapists. One of the things Jessa Tiemstra and Chipo Bvindi work to do in their sessions, is discovering what coping skills your teen already possesses, and then build on these skills with personalized strategies.
Here is a little information on the therapists we currently have available to support your teen:
Jessa Tiemstra
Hi there! My name is Jessa.
I am a provisional psychologist working with teens, parents, and young adults in Calgary, Alberta. I am passionate about helping people become the best version of themselves and am truly honoured to work in this field.
When I am not working, I have a range of interests that keep me busy. I love animals and have a dog and a cat that both like a lot of attention (both tri-coloured and fluffy!) I also enjoy plants, being outside, cooking, baking, crafty activities, going for walks, and video games.
I love spending time with family and friends but am an introvert at heart so quieter nights at home are good too.
I have called Calgary home for most of my life and love living here. Being a provisional psychologist lets me invest back into a place I am proud to call home.
You can book a free 20-minute call to get to know Jessa here:
I am a registered social worker with a Bachelor of Social Work with a major in psychology from the university of the Western Cape, and a Master’s in Clinical Social Work specialization with individuals, families, and groups from the University of Calgary.
In my practice, I note the different intersectionalites that come into play, and I have adapted myself to understanding the effects thereof. I pride myself in working from a holistic and integrative approach using trauma-informed, anti-oppressive, and intersectional lenses in rendering services.
I am grounded by embracing my full humanness-being imperfectly perfect. My faith, family and friendships carry me through life and its happenings. I find being in nature very healing and so is savouring moments. When not working, I love to engage in some fitness, going on walks, journaling, catching up on Korean series, city adventures and reading for pleasure. I also believe in allowing my inner child come out sometimes through art, dancing, building sand castles you name it.
You can book a free 20-minute call to get to know Chipo here:
In summary, there are several factors to consider when looking at teen therapy as a resource for your stressed out teen. To gauge how important reaching out to a therapist is, look at these four areas:
Current supports
Concurrent stressors
How much the problem(s) is disrupting daily functioning
Current coping strategies
Remember, consultations with our team are complimentary. Our primary goal as a team is to be a resource for your teen to discover themselves, build their confidence, and develop strategies that will create independence in the future.
You can get started with your free consultation HERE. We also have a complimentary Anxiety Toolkit for Parents Raising Teen Girls, which is a PDF with 10 different tools you can immediately begin implementing to help with stress. You can download your copy here:
Earlier this month my colleague here at Pyramid Psychology, shared 3 ways to respond to teen behaviours. (If you missed out on her blog, you can read it here: 3 Ways to Respond to Teen Behaviours). One of the things she reminds us of, is that you can’t read your teen’s mind – no matter how much you wish to! In fact, the teenage years may feel reminiscent of the terrible two’s when toddlers are pushing boundaries and “throwing tantrums.”
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Here are four ways to navigate teen communication when challenging behaviours arise:
Approach the conversation when both parties are calm: Take a deep breath and keep an open mind. Remember: behaviour seeks to meet a need.
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Listen: Be curious about what’s going on for your teen. Allow them to speak without interruption. If they feel judged, criticized, or that something needs to be fixed, or corrected, defences go up and the conversation may shut down or explode.
Validate their feelings: Although instinct is to solve their problem or minimise their concerns in hopes of helping them, use empathetic statements to show you understand, for example, “I’m sorry you’re going through this, “That sounds really tough,” “I can see you’re going through a lot right now, “wow, that sounds difficult.”
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Communicate boundaries: It’s important that when discussing boundaries, they’re clearly stated and an explanation is provided. The DEARMAN skill can be used to help communicate our needs and boundaries while maintaining a healthy relationship. Here is what the acronym stands for:
Describethe current situation using the facts. Tell your teen what you’re responding to.
Express your feelings about the situation. Don’t assume your teen can mind read!
Assert yourself by asking for what you want.
Reinforce by explaining the positive effects. Avoid blaming or insulting.
Mindful to keep the focus on your goals and the present rather than past experiences.
Appear confident and avoid being confrontational.
Negotiate. Offer and ask for other solutions to the problem. It’s important to work together to have both individuals’ needs met.
Knowing how to best respond in these tricky situations is incredibly helpful, however, the interactions that take place outside of them are important as well. These interactions offer opportunities to both connect and develop important emotion regulation skills. The Gottman Method proposes the idea of an “emotional piggy bank,” which every person has. When your teen is thanked, affirmed, or given time or affection, a “deposit” is made in their emotional piggy bank. However, a negative interaction like a demand, fight, or nagging, takes place, a “withdrawal is made from their emotional bank. The goal is to have more “deposits” or positive interactions than “withdrawals” or negative interactions/demands. You can learn more about this method on our blog: Emotional Bank Account: Your Relationship with Your Teen.
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Regardless of which tools you choose to use, remember that communication is an ongoing process. You will have good days, and bad days. It is also important to provide your teen with outside resources to communicate with, particularly resources that are not emotionally attached to the outcome. Two of my colleagues are currently accepting new clients for 1:1 therapy. You can meet them here:
Jessa Tiemstra
Hi there! My name is Jessa.
I am a provisional psychologist working with teens, parents, and young adults in Calgary, Alberta. I am passionate about helping people become the best version of themselves and am truly honoured to work in this field.
When I am not working, I have a range of interests that keep me busy. I love animals and have a dog and a cat that both like a lot of attention (both tri-coloured and fluffy!) I also enjoy plants, being outside, cooking, baking, crafty activities, going for walks, and video games.
I love spending time with family and friends but am an introvert at heart so quieter nights at home are good too.
I have called Calgary home for most of my life and love living here. Being a provisional psychologist lets me invest back into a place I am proud to call home.
You can book a free 20-minute call to get to know Jessa here:
I am a registered social worker with a Bachelor of Social Work with a major in psychology from the university of the Western Cape, and a Master’s in Clinical Social Work specialization with individuals, families, and groups from the University of Calgary.
In my practice, I note the different intersectionalites that come into play, and I have adapted myself to understanding the effects thereof. I pride myself in working from a holistic and integrative approach using trauma-informed, anti-oppressive, and intersectional lenses in rendering services.
I am grounded by embracing my full humanness-being imperfectly perfect. My faith, family and friendships carry me through life and its happenings. I find being in nature very healing and so is savouring moments. When not working, I love to engage in some fitness, going on walks, journaling, catching up on Korean series, city adventures and reading for pleasure. I also believe in allowing my inner child come out sometimes through art, dancing, building sand castles you name it.
You can book a free 20-minute call to get to know Chipo here:
Hi there! My name is Ally and I am a MA student therapist working with teens, parents, and young adults in Calgary, Alberta. I am passionate about helping others and one of the greatest honours of my life is being able to listen and hold space for other people’s stories.
When I am not working, I enjoy listening to music, spending time with family and friends, hiking, and indoor cycling. I love exploring new places with some of my favourites being Costa Rica, Nicaragua, Spain, Iceland, as well as Vancouver Island.
Calgary is home, but I will take any opportunity to travel!
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How to Help Your Teen Become Brave
About Kari
Jessa is a counsellor that has recently completed her master of counselling degree through Athabasca University.
