mentor

8 Reasons Your Teen Daughter Needs A Mentor

8 Reasons Your Teen Daughter Needs A Mentor

mentor

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Having a teen mentor is crucial for teen girls. I will share 8 reasons why shortly.

But first, dear most amazing parents of teen girls, I am going to ask you a really important question: 

When you think back to your teen years, who are the people that had the strongest positive impact on your life? 

You might be thinking about that teacher who wouldn’t give up on you, your older cousin who understood everything you were going through, the no-nonsense coach who pushed you to do better, or your best friend’s mom who always showed you the utmost kindness. 

Maybe you didn’t have a person directly in your life, so you looked to those you didn’t know personally; an author, actor, philosopher, artist, musician, athlete…..

One of those people for me was my Uncle. There was nothing particularly exceptional about what he did, it was more of a feeling. When I was around him, I felt seen. I felt important. I felt loved. Thinking of him now puts a massive smile on my face. I remember his qualities of kindness, warmth, and adventure. And, what a sense of humour! His wit was worth admiring in my books. 

Even though he died when I was in my teens, I still see him as one of my best mentors. 

mentor

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How did the person you thought of make a positive difference in your life? Do you remember what they said or did for you that made an impact? Is it more of a memory on how their being in your life made you feel?

When I look back at the impact my Uncle had and still has on my life, I realize just how exceptional it was. I strive to live out the qualities he modeled. The relationships we have in our teenage years have the potential to change the course of our lives. 

Reggie Nelson and Jessica Hurley are two wonderful anecdotes of how powerful mentors can be for teens. 

So one more question for you….. Who is your daughter’s teen mentor? 

8 Reasons Your Teen Daughter Needs A Mentor:

  • Helps your teen daughter believe in herself and the possibilities for her life
  • Gives your daughter a person to go to for advice and guidance
    mentor

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  • Creates hope (when your daughter doesn’t feel alone)
  • Builds long term trusted friendships to help your teen daughter through the ups and downs 
  • Supports your daughter to develop her identity
  • Opens doors to new ways of thinking (and new opportunities) for your daughter
  • Provides a way for your teen daughter to practice social + conversational skills, and build conflict resolution skills
  • Provides your teen daughter with a model for qualities and characteristics 

So, I ask again. Who is your daughter’s mentor? Someone who is a champion of her life – cheerleading and rooting for her no matter what. Somebody she sees as a trusted guide, who is consistent. Someone who sees her.

 

If you didn’t immediately know the answer, I encourage you to talk to your daughter. Ask her who she looks up to, admires, or reaches out to for help. Ask her if she needs more support; someone in her corner.

mentor

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It’s really important to take ego out of the equation, and recognize that teen girls often need support outside of their immediate family (goodness knows I wanted someone other than my parents as a teen, haha)!

At Unbreakable Teen Me, we offer a safe space for your daughter to have a teen mentor. A woman she can look up to, go to for advice, and build her skills with. You can get to know any of our team members HERE (simply scroll to the bottom of the page).

When your daughter has chosen a potential teen mentor (therapist) she resonates with most, you can book a completely free consultation (Alberta, Canada residents) to ensure it’s a good fit. You can book your consultation with any of our team members here:

Find Your Daughter's Mentor Today

 

Love,
Chantal

 


Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

volunteering for teens

Volunteering for Teens: The Benefits, Barriers, and How-To’s

Volunteering for Teens: The Benefits, Barriers, and How-To’s

This blog will share the benefits, barriers, and how to’s when it comes to volunteering for teens.

As a teen, you can sometimes feel lonely or find it hard to connect with other people. Sometimes you want to make friends but find it challenging to meet people who we connect with. Sometimes you want more ties to people in your neighbourhood or city, but you don’t know where to start.  

One way to build community connections is by volunteering your time to a cause that you feel connected to. 

10 Benefits to In-Person Volunteering for Teens

  • Making friends and creating strong relationships 
  • Finding a mentor
  • Creating a sense of belonging  
  • Gaining confidence 
  • Increasing your emotional and physical well-being  
  • Having fun  
  • Expanding your social skills  
  • Feeling less isolated 
  • Learning hard and soft skills 
  • Future job reference 
volunteering for teens

Photo from Canva Pro

4 Perceived Barriers to Volunteering for Teens (and what to do about them):

#1 – I don’t have time. 

Surprisingly, volunteering time can make you feel as though you have more time. Studies show that when you give your time, you feel less time-constrained because you will learn how to manage your time better. (Also, since you spend this time developing ourselves it feels less like a task on our to-do list.)

#2 – I’m scared to meet new people.  

If you are with a group of people, pick one person that you would like to chat with and try to get to know them. After a while, focus your energy and time with a few more people and see how you feel. Continue to check in with yourself to see how you are feeling. Give yourself permission to step away if you are feeling overwhelmed or give yourself permission to continue talking to people if you’re feeling okay.  

Remember that going outside your comfort zone and feeling a bit uncomfortable is okay (as long as your safety is not at risk). You may soon learn how to walk toward the unknown. The more you can develop this skill the more you will train your mind to have greater psychological flexibility.

#3 – I don’t know what I am interested in.  

You may be pleasantly surprised that you know more about yourself than you think you do! Consider creating a list of things that you already enjoy doing and the soft and hard skills that you want to learn. Revisit the list after a day or so and write down what stands out to you. 

The fun part of volunteering is exploring and discovering what you like and do not like. Finding a volunteer opportunity that is the right fit is like finding your way on a hiking trail. The more you try, the better you get at

volunteering for teens

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navigating the trail and anticipating what comes next.

#4 – I don’t know where to start.  

Think of this as a process and focus less on the result. You may start to notice the fun that comes with exploring and testing things out.

Working through these questions can sometimes be easier with someone else. In private sessions with me, we can work through your choice to volunteer and the potential barriers or fears that may come up as a result. Alberta residents can book a free consultation with me here:

Book A Free Consultation

 

The next section provides tips on how to go about starting to find a volunteer opportunity. 

Volunteering for Teens: How To Find The Right Opportunity

It can take a few attempts before finding a volunteering opportunity that is right for you. Think of this as if you’re on a trip and exploring the things around you. The community is your playground, and you are the explorer. 

There are many ways to explore on your journey towards finding a volunteer opportunity and making community connections: online (ex. VolunteerConnector.org), your current friend/family networks, school billboard or

teacher, calling organisations that interest you, social media, etc. 

Considerations to Volunteering for Teens:

1. Communicate with your parents – Sometimes parents have great ideas and can support our efforts!

volunteering for teens

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2. Your personal values –  Seek opportunities and organisations that align with your personal values. If you need help with exploring your personal values Brene Brown’s list of values could get you started.

3. Social diversity and inclusivity – Ask yourself, does the organisation seek to create an environment that allows volunteers from all walks of life to succeed and meaningfully contribute? Is the organisation inclusive of diversity – race, socioeconomic status, gender, sexuality, abilities, etc.?

Learning the value of diversity, understanding different perspectives and life experiences, and working with people who have different ideas have many benefits. It helps us learn more about ourselves and our community, understand how to relate to others who a different from ourselves, and much more.

4. Your interests and volunteer goals – See above for practical tips.

5. Time commitment and location – Is the location accessible to you? Is it close to your home or school? Will you be driving, getting a ride, or taking the bus?  These are all important factors to take into account.

6. Schedule and frequency Do the volunteer shifts align with your schedule or does this overlap with other commitments? Is the frequency of the volunteer opportunity in line with the time you have available?

 

Volunteering for Teens in Calgary, Alberta:

volunteering for teens

Photo from Canva Pro

If you are in Calgary, hundreds of organisations in our city are looking for volunteers. Here are a couple of organisations that are looking for teen volunteers: 

Volunteering is a great way to build relationships in your community. It has been something that I have engaged in throughout my life and have benefited so much from! It’s helped me to create strong friendships, learn more about myself, and build strong community connections.

You do not have to navigate friendships, community, and volunteering by yourself. That is what I am here for! I offer affordable therapy ($40 per session) in Calgary, Alberta (online appointments available to Alberta residents). If you’re ready to create community, let’s chat:

Book Your Free Consultation

Let me know how your journey is going and if you have any questions! 

Fazilah Shariff MSW, MHA, RSW

 

 

 


Is your teen having challenges navigating their current circumstances? Do you want your teen to obtain the skills and tools they need to navigate the peaks and valleys that come their way?

Are you looking for someone who can support your teen to step into their spotlight, have great relationships, and find their confidence? I speak teen. My strength is connecting with and relating to teenagers. I strive to provide a balance of learning and laughter during my sessions. Teens need a coach and therapist who they can trust to talk to about the hard stuff in their lives.

I work with teens from a range of life experiences and backgrounds. My specialities include working with teens who identify as BIPOC (black, indigenous, and people of colour) and/or LGBTQIA+ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, questioning, intersex, asexual, and more).

I have a Master of Social Work and a Master of Health Administration. I am also a Registered Social Worker. I have worked across the healthcare sector and served on numerous boards of directors for not-for-profit organizations.

how to be a good friend

How to Be A Good Friend (for Teen Girls)

How to Be A Good Friend (for Teen Girls)

Teen girls often talk about how other people in their lives should be a good friend. And yet you often seclude yourselves from the same expectation. (Adults do this too). WHY? Bet when you are pointing the finger to others 3 fingers point right back at cha! Now how can you be better at this friend thing in life?

Here are the top 3 ways I have discovered to be a good friend. Things I have learned through life experience and working with families and teen girls:

(If you already know this is an area you would like support in, know that I pride myself on my holistic approach to caring for your mental health. I come from a trauma informed background that looks through an intersectional lense to give you services that meet your needs. Alberta residents can book a free consultation with me below).

Book A Free Consultation

How to Be A Good Friend Strategy #1: Self Compassion

how to be a good friend

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It all starts with you… Everything starts with the self. You!  How do you treat yourself? Do you treat yourself with care, love and support? If you are overly critical towards yourself, you may have a tendency of being overly critical with others. What would treating yourself with compassion mean or look like? And from there how can you extend the same level of grace to others? What would being more curious mean than being judgmental?

Note: this does not mean tolerating disrespect, being bullied, pressured or allowing others to flake on you. Extending grace and tolerating being mistreated are different things.

 

How to Be A Good Friend Strategy #2: Authenticity

Do you show up as your true authentic self? Or is there some sort of code switch in order to fit in? What’s the worst that could happen if you showed up as you? People might no longer like you or be friends with you. Well they were not your friends to begin with. I mean who hates authenticity? Someone’s true self without blinds and folders.

Being your authentic true self does not mean opening yourself up to everyone. It means being able to show up as you, the person in the mirror, flaws and all, embracing your complete sense of humanity – being imperfectly perfect.

Your life and existence is not a performance. Show up as you and the world and everything else will adjust. Your self-worth is not tied to other people’s views or expectations of you. It’s an independent construct so treat it as such. You are worth it just because you are.

Photo by Tyler Nix on Unsplash

 

 

How to Be A Good Friend Strategy #3: Communication

What’s your communication style like? Is it your way or the highway? Is there room to hear each other out, ask for space when needed, or carry on with the

conversation at a later time?  Do you socially and emotionally distance yourself when things get hard or when you don’t get your way? How do you find your way in life?

I would be curious to know why you respond the way you do to the above questions.  Are there other alternatives to your current responses? If so, what could they be?

What does healthy and effective communication look like to you?

At the end of the day it takes two to tango, including yourself. So you are not exempt from communicating. TA DAAA! What a surprise, hey?

Are you jumping into conclusions or do you make space to ask for clarity in order to avoid assumptions and confusion?

I want you to know this is not a personal attack. This is simply a personal reflective practice or journal entry you can engage in. Even for myself as I write this, I am holding space for my triggers (cringe).

how to be a good friend

Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash

If you want to dive further into this exercise, here are a few more questions:

  • Are you assertive with your boundaries…. being able to express or communicate your needs and wants and also allowing space and room for others to do the same?
  • Is there space to hold feelings, have difficult conversations, and resolve conflict? Or people are no longer good because they made a mistake?
  • Do you respect your boundaries and those of others? Are you vengeful and passive in your setting of boundaries or do you create them in order to take care of yourself and keep the relationship strong?
  • Is there room for accountability, empathy and constructive criticism for growth? 

 

If these questions brought things up for you, felt like an attack, or made you react defensively, there is something there for you to work on. I offer a neutral, quiet space to work through your triggers here. Book your free consultation with me here:

Book A Free Consultation

Just remember, the most important thing:

Be the friend you want to have. 

Love,

Chipo

Register Social Worker offering counseling for teen girls


I am a registered social worker with a Bachelor of Social Work with a major in psychology from the university of the Western Cape, and a Master’s in Clinical Social Work specialization with individuals, families, and groups from the University of Calgary.

In my practice, I note the different intersectionalites that come into play, and I have adapted myself to understanding the effects thereof. I pride myself in working from a holistic and integrative approach using trauma-informed, anti-oppressive, and intersectional lenses in rendering services.

I am grounded by embracing my full humanness-being imperfectly perfect. My faith, family and friendships carry me through life and its happenings. I find being in nature very healing and so is savouring moments. When not working, I love to engage in some fitness, going on walks, journaling, catching up on Korean series, city adventures and reading for pleasure. I also believe in allowing my inner child come out sometimes through art, dancing, building sand castles you name it.

Teen Friendships: 7 Questions to Decide If They Are Good Ones

Teen Friendships: 7 Questions to Decide If They Are Good Ones

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

How is back-to-school going, and the teen friendships that come with it?

There are a plethora of things to think about: What are your teachers going to be like? Are you in the same classes as your friends? Did you get the elective you wanted? Will you be able to stay motivated and keep your grades up this year? What are you going to wear on the first day? and… Will that giant stress pimple that decided to show up two days ago disappear from your forehead before the first day?!

That’s a lot to think about. I hope you’re managing ok. As a teen girl, I had mixed feelings about the start of school each year. I was always looking forward to hanging out with my friends, couldn’t wait to get a few new pieces of clothing, and I had a bit of a thing for nice stationary. In fact, a lot of a thing- I even got a job at Staples because of it! I also felt kind of stressed. All this stuff can pile up in your brain, but there’s one that can really make or break a school year and that is TEEN FRIENDSHIPS.

Would you agree?

I mean I’m not saying teen friendships are the only thing to worry about of course. And I’m not saying you should measure your happiness based on your friendships this school year. Let’s be honest, friends are human…. So they can be fickle, moody, change their tastes, change their minds, and well um…. Change just in general.

Motivational speaker Jim Rohn says “You’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with” and someone else once said “show me your friends and I’ll show you your future”. Although you aren’t totally defined and influenced by only 5 people in your life, there is some truth to these statements.

Think about friends who start to kind of dress alike. Best friends who like the same music, watch some of the same shows, laugh at the same kind of humour, back up the same social movements. It’s great to have people who get you. Teen friendships that have your back.

7 Questions to Ask About Teen Friendships

I want to share with you 7 questions that you can ask yourself as a bit of a litmus test to help you see if your current friendships are solid.

(Note: These questions were Inspired by a fun quiz on Kids Help Phone).

Teen Friendships Question #1: Can I be myself?

Photo by Melissa Askew on Unsplash

If you can speak openly and honestly and really feel like you are being You around your friend(s) – this is a good sign. If you need to change or filter out a lot of what you’d like to say, you are probably not able to be your real self around this person. This is a red flag.

Teen Friendships Question #2: Do we listen to what each other has to say?

Listening includes not interrupting, hearing what matters to each person, leaving the judgy comments out so you actually feel like it’s ok to share things that are important to you. It’s not a 50/50 split most of the time, but if you feel like you are not being heard and that what you have to say doesn’t matter, pay attention to this.

Teen Friendships Question #3: Do I feel appreciated? Do I appreciate them?

Are there things about your friend that you really like? If you find yourself cheering them on to succeed in things and they are doing the same for you, that sounds like a solid friendship. On the other hand, if you spend a lot of time feeling jealous and resentful for things going their way or if it’s the other way around- caution- this may not be the best friendship for you

Teen Friendships Question #4: Do we fight fair?

Friends don’t always get along. That’s the nature of relationships. When you are disagreeing or in a conflict with your friend, do you take some time to think it

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through? Do you talk it out? Do you cool off and speak up for yourself and allow your friend to do the same? If so, these are the conflict resolution skills of a good friendship. Do you say hurtful things to their face or behind their back? Do you spread rumours? Attack them on social media? Not the best friendship patterns emerging here.

Teen Friendships Question #5: Can I be honest and trusting?

It’s ok to not like the same things or see eye to eye on everything. If you can share a different perspective and trust that your friend will still be a friend, this is good news. If you tread lightly because you fear being the centre of gossip or outcasted from the group or have become a Yes person to appease, it might be time to rethink this friendship.

Teen Friendships Question #6: Are we there for each other?

You don’t have to share all your secrets with your friend(s), but it is important to have someone who wants to help and be there for you when you’re having a tough time. Likewise, if you want to help and be there for them, even if you don’t always know how and what to say- this is definitely good friendship territory. If your friend seems annoyed any time you bring something up that has a smidge of problem to it or you find yourself not caring that much what happens to them when they’re struggling- this might be get-out-of-the-friendship territory. Here’s another thing to consider- if your friendship is one-sided, where you (or the other person)

Photo by Omar Lopez on Unsplash

feels like they’re putting in way more effort than the other one, that’s not usually the best situation for a solid friendship.

Teen Friendships Question #7: Do we have fun together?

Yes, because it is about Karaoking badly and inventing song lyrics about your classmates and putting food on each other’s faces for a game of guess what your “beauty mask” is made of….. Or not….maybe that was just me. It is about having fun. If this is a resounding YES. Keep having fun with this friend. If it is all drama all the time or just a one show pony of sadness, arguing, boredom, etc. It may be time to let this one go.

How did the litmus test go? Are your friends keepers?? You can also use this as a way of vetting new friends as you get to know them. Having great friendships, even if they don’t last forever, or become your ultimate best friend, makes a world of difference in having a great life and funny stories to tell.

Until next time.

Love,
Chantal

 


Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

Back to School Anxiety: Coping Skills for Your Teen

If you’re noticing your teen is a little edgy lately or seems less than keen to talk about school they may be struggling with ‘back to school anxiety’. The usual pre-jitters and mix of excitement and nervousness of going back to school could be prompting thoughts like these for your teen:

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  • Who will I be in class with?
  • What if I get that teacher again?
  • I can’t wait to see my friends again!
  • I hope I will get good grades.

This year may be especially hard for teens if they struggle with social anxiety and enjoyed the online aspect of schooling again this year. On top of the regular ‘back to school’ worries, your teen may  be thinking:

  • What if it’s really hard?
  • What if I’m behind?
  • What if we have to wear masks again?
  • What if things shutdown again? 
  • What if I don’t like it?

Sometimes teens don’t have an exact grasp on the specific thoughts but their worries  manifest physically. You might notice complaints of physical symptoms like headaches, stomach aches, general flu like symptoms with no illness related causes, etc. You may also notice changes in behaviours – more irritability, sleep disruptions, etc. 

Worries about going back to school – especially this year – are to be expected…. BUT that doesn’t mean your teen has to white knuckle through it. 

Here are five anxiety coping strategies you can implement to help your teen transition back to class as smoothly as possible:

Anxiety Coping Skill #1

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Breathing can be a secret weapon for your teen. Dialling into their breathing can help activate their rest and relax system (parasympathetic nervous system). This sets off a domino effect of calming. 

There are various breathing techniques you can try. Sheryl Ankrom, MS, LCPC shares eight different breathing exercises you can try here. Square breathing, or 4×4 breathing is one I find works well, and can be done anywhere anytime – including on the way to the school, in the hallways, and even in class. The Sunnybrook Hospital in Toronto shares a really great video on how to do this exercise here.

Whichever exercise your teen chooses, I recommend going through it at least 4 times to allow their nervous system to catch up.

Breathing exercises aren’t for everyone. If your teen can’t focus on their breathing, or doesn’t enjoy it – try having them focus on some of their other senses. Here are a few ways they can do that:

  • Look around the room and (in their mind) name objects they can see
  • Pick a colour and try and spot it as much as possible
  • Listen for sounds near or far
  • Name one thing from all 5 senses – something they can see, hear, smell, feel and taste

The key is to bring awareness to the present moment and be less hyper focused on the anxiety.

Anxiety Coping Skill #2 

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We all have objects in our lives that immediately bring comfort. They serve as relaxation prompts. It can be helpful for your teen to have an object like this with them as they begin the new school year. Here are some ideas, or things I have seen work well:

  • Favourite piece of jewelry
  • Extra comfy sweater
  • Stone/crystal around their neck, or tucked in their bag
  • A note/quote/message on their phone
  • Putty
  • Favourite playlist on their phone (if permitted)
  • Doodle a small heart on a knuckle
  • Fidget ring around their finger

Having something that reminds your teen of comfort and calm will cause their brain to put out some chill alpha waves.

Anxiety Coping Skill # 3

Encourage your teen to find at least one person they can rely on that has got their back – a coping buddy. They can have more than one of course! It might be a teacher, guidance counsellor, friend, sibling, etc. Someone they can seek out and connect with when needed. This person can provide a nice distraction, or some comfort.

If your teen really can’t think of anyone that is accessible at  school, see if you can find someone remote who can be available for a call or text during an anxious moment – you, their auntie, etc.

Photo by Canva

Anxiety Coping Skill # 4

Use the F.E.A.R. technique. This stands for False Evidence (or Emotions) Appearing Real.

Anxiety can trick your teen’s mind to make them believe they are small and incapable in the face of the problem or thing they fear. The F.E.A.R technique is a way to bring balance in the other direction – with anxiety being small and your teen being big and capable.

Step One: Identify the worry (fear) – e.g. ‘I’m worried that I won’t be in the same class as any of my friends.”

Step Two: Dig deeper – what would happen if your friends weren’t in your class? What’s anxiety telling you? – e.g. ‘I will have no one to talk to all year. I will be lonely.’

Step Three: Flip it around – what could you do if your friends aren’t in your class? How could you respond? How could you solve this? – e.g. ‘Could be a total loner and not talk to anyone all year, 

I guess I could make new friends, I could find my friends during breaks, I could join a club or something at lunch, I could ask to be switched classes, I could talk to the person sitting next to me, etc.’

This technique gives the worry clear words and takes your teen down that FEAR acronym. It lets them know that even if the scary thing does happen, they have a lot of control and choice to do something about it! 

Anxiety Coping Skill # 5

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Create a plan and a routine so your teen knows what to expect. It is helpful to focus on what is in your teen’s power to control (their routine) and what is not.

A routine for school starts the night before – with a good amount of sleep, taking time to relax before bed, etc. Encourage your teen to include some things in their routine they enjoy.

You can also help your teen plan ahead for when they get to school – who will they meet up with? Do they know which classes they are in? What time does school start and end?

Having a plan around things that your teen can actually control (e.g. their responses, behaviours, what thoughts they tend to, etc.) can help quell some of that anxiety. 

Things to Make Note Of:

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Your teen is not alone in their anxiety – going back to school can be an anxiety-inducing experience in ‘normal’ times. Never mind the times we are in now! Let them know they are not the only ones. Ask them about their back to school thoughts.

What are they most stressed/worried about? 

Another thing you can do is focus on the things they are looking forward to. Get them to pay  attention to the friends they may get to see again, the school club they will join, etc. 

Anxiety can be a big deal but it doesn’t have to take over yours or your teen’s life – Share this blog with a parent of a teen and spread the support! 

The Happiness Pill Program is a 6-month teen life coaching program that supports teens to shift beyond anxiety, depression, and overwhelm and into confidently living the life they want by providing ongoing support. There is a built-in parent program and community to support you, too. Get on the path to freedom from teen anxiety here.

Love,

Chantal 


Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with. If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook. 

Feelings As Visitors: How To Welcome All Feelings Even The “Bad” Ones

  

Learning From Our Feelings 

Ok today we’re writing about tricky feelings, those feelings that are difficult to experience, those that are pleasant, and feelings in general. I want to highlight that our relationship with our feelings is pretty important and if we learn to approach feelings with curiosity rather than resistance and judgement, we may find that we can cope much better. 

​I’ve decided to start by sharing a poem that I find quite profound and helpful in how I experience feelings. I like this poem for many different reasons, but mainly because, for me, it talks about how we can have a relationship with feelings and experience feelings in a way that isn’t scary. If we spend less time trying to avoid or deny a feeling and more time listening and learning about it,  the experience may be easier to have and may teach us something.

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The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

— Jellaludin Rumi,

Feelings Don’t Last That Long

 

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Learning and listening to our feelings may open the door to opportunities, as Rumi said, and the reality is feelings don’t necessarily last as long as we think. Feelings come and go and are constantly changing, but we may tend to perceive them as lasting a long time or not lasting long enough.

I saw a post on social media that shared a picture with two lines. The top line symbolized
How long we think a feeling is going to last.

Beneath it was another line that symbolized
How long a feeling actually lasts.

​What it showed is typically we anticipate that tricky feelings are going to be more intense, last much longer, or be more scary than they actually are. It’s important for me to say that feelings are legitimate and some feelings are very difficult and painful to experience. YES, this is true and this is the human condition. Even those feelings don’t continually happen, we kind of tend to bob in and out of them in the mix of all our other experiences.

So this topic is about how to deal with tricky feelings and feelings that are difficult to have.

​In our society, we are kind of taught to do a couple things with feelings.

One of them is to chase or gather a feeling that we really love. Say for example the feeling of happiness, excitement or joy. We’re always striving to have that feeling and have lots of that feeling, you know like the pursuit of happiness. In this case there is often a scarcity mentality, like there is just never enough of that feel good emotion. We can also become concerned about moments we are not feeling those more positive feelings, sending us on a futile hunt.

Another thing that we’re taught is not let ‘bad feelings’ in or to avoid, deny, or change them. There seems to be messages of shame around experiencing certain emotions that are perceived as negative like anger, sadness, anxiety, boredom, etc.

If we learn to approach feelings with curiosity rather than resistance and judgement, we may find that we can cope much better.

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If you imagine yourself as a little person inside a house and you think about feelings as visitors or guests, there are some that we openly invite in,

“Oh yes, come on in and take up all the space you need”, feelings like happiness, joy,  peace, or calm.

Then there are other feelings like sadness, pain, or anxiety that we decide “I don’t want to have this feeling” so we slam the door in their face.

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The thing is these guests, the feelings, don’t just go away like that. They are quite persistent that they have something to share with you, and will just keep trying to find a way to get in. Those feelings end up kind of sticking around a lot longer than they need to, which can cause problems.

Thinking of feelings as guests or visitors, like Rumi wrote about and another book I will share with you, allows us to interact with them in a very curious way instead of being scared or reluctant to experience feelings, even if it’s one we think may not be great to have around.

The book ‘Visiting Feelings’ by Lauren Rubenstein is a great resource. It has beautiful artwork and a poetic tone to the writing. This book invites people to consider what a feeling might look like, sound like, feel like, and takes a curious approach to feelings.

I really wanted you to take a moment to sit with that possibility. Feelings as visitors, as guests.

Temporary. Impermanent. Not forever.

They will not last forever: good, bad, or terrible. I want to invite you to think about the different feelings you experience everyday and approach them with curiosity rather than judgement.

​Consider asking the following questions of your feelings:

What does this feeling want me to know? What does it need right now? What is one thing I can do to learn more about it? Can I journal, draw, talk to someone about it, build it with clay, splatter paint to represent it, blast music that sounds like it?

Box Journaling

 

If you’re onboard with this idea of feelings as visitors or at least onboard with trying it out, I would invite you to try a journaling exercise. There are so many ways to journal and I am going to share one as I was inspired by Carla Sonheim, who shared this in a webinar.

Ok in reviewing my video above, I chuckled because I don’t quite know my left from my right, but rest assured the concept of box journaling is legitimate. I like box journaling because it combines free flowing ideas and creativity, as well as, some structure and idea prompting so that you can come away with an idea or an action to take that might be helpful.

For box journaling you will need a sheet of paper and a black marker (you can use a pen or pencil also). If you have pencil crayons or coloured markers, you can also use those. Start out by drawing a large box on your paper. You will then be dividing the box into 5 sections.

Section one: ​Draw a horizontal line under the top line of the box (creating its own little box within the larger box) and this is where you will put the date and you can add where you were when you journaled.

Section two and three: Underneath the horizontal box create two vertical boxes. These will take about two thirds of the page. The one on the left is the largest and the one on the right is slimmer. The left box is where you will put your free writing. The slimmer panel box on the right is where you will grab ideas from the free write and create a list of themes, ideas, key phrases, action items, etc.

Section four and five: Underneath the section 2/3 boxes you will create two smaller boxes that are about equal in size. They will take up the rest of the space on the paper. The box on the left will be for a drawing. This can be a squiggle, scribble, symbol, stick figure, or any kind of image that helps represent something about your writing or how you are feeling in that moment. The last box on the right is a miscellaneous box. You can continue some free writing here, continue your image, paste a quote, add an affirmation or word that inspires you, etc. You get to decide what goes here.

 

Box journaling can take as much or as little time as you have. If you only have 10 minutes, spend 5 minutes on the free write journaling and the rest in the other sections. If you have a little longer, give yourself at least 5-10 minutes to free write and then a few minutes with each of the other sections.

There’s an idea of what you can do to start to be curious about feelings. Consider for yourself, what are some other things you can do to invite feelings in and learn more about them while they are visiting?

If you found this post helpful, pass it on by emailing a friend or sharing it on Twitter or Facebook- Thanks!


Chantal Côté

5 Practical Ways to Take Control of your Happiness

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

The Link Between Screen Time and Teen Depression

As a parent, it can be easy to question the amount of time your teen is spending on their phone and be curious about the impact on mental health. Research indicates a correlation between increased screen time and teen depression (Association of Screen Time and Depression in Adolescence), but the situation is not completely black and white. Understanding the role that technology plays in teens’ lives and the pros and cons can help inform family decisions around screen time.

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Screen Time & Teen Depression: Factors to Consider

          There is a correlation between depression and screen time. It is true that excessive amounts of screen time can be a factor leading to depression, but teens who are struggling with depression are also likely to spend more time using technology as well (Association of Screen Time and Depression in Adolescence).

          The amount of time looking at screens is important to consider. Research indicates that both no screen time and too much screen time (usually defined as being over 6 hours per day) can have negative effects on a teen’s mental health and development. In contrast, screen time of around 2-4 hours a day is associated with cognitive and psychosocial benefits in the teenage years (Digital media: Promoting healthy screen use in school-aged children and adolescents)

          The content being viewed matters:

*    If your teenager is frequently looking at photoshopped images of Instagram influencers or celebrities, they often start to compare themselves to these perfect images and lifestyles. In comparing themselves to these unattainable standards, your teen’s self-esteem may start to suffer, and they are more likely to experience symptoms of depression.

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*   Technology can also be used for learning and exposure to new ideas and perspectives. School and homework are also increasingly online or require varying amounts of screen time. 

        Technology and screen time provides teenagers with a way to connect, which is especially important during the socially isolating times of Covid-19 restrictions. Social connection, whether in-person or online, is vital in the teenage years and significantly decreases the likelihood of depression (Strong friendships in adolescence may benefit mental health in the long run).

          Excessive time spent on screens means that your teen is being less physically active and may be missing out on other meaningful activities. Exercise is a significant protective factor against depression at any age (Keep your teen moving to reduce risk of depression).

          Using screens right before bedtime can also delay sleep and reduce total sleep time (Youth screen media habits and sleep: sleep-friendly screen-behavior recommendations for clinicians, educators, and parents). Sleep is especially important during the teenage years, and most teenagers are not getting enough sleep. Teens who do not get enough sleep are more likely to feel depressed (Teens and sleep: Why you need it and how to get enough).

Teen Depression: Making a Plan for Screen Time

In collaborating on a screen time plan, think about having screen-free times or zones and what that may look like. For example, maybe there is a family agreement that cellphones will be put away during dinner, or that cellphones will be turned off an hour before bedtime.

Educate your teen on the pros and cons of technology use. Help them develop a critical eye that questions the information they are reading and the images they are seeing. Online safety is another very important conversation to have.

Role model what healthy technology use can look like, and encourage open and honest conversations with your teen.

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Consider incorporating more variety into the day or week, whether that be sports, a family walk, volunteering, or some other activity that encourages your teen to be present and engaged in the moment.

Use technology and screen time as a way to connect with your teen. Be curious about what they like about it and what they find meaningful or funny. If appropriate, maybe there is even a game to participate in together!

At the end of the day, each family needs to make their own decisions about screen time, knowing it will evolve as time goes, and find a way that best fits them. The key is to find a balance and to remember that screen time is neither all-good nor all-bad.

If you’re seeing your teen go through depression and are needing some support, my name is Jessa Tiemstra and I specialize in counselling for teen girls in Alberta, Canada. You can book a free consultation with me HERE.


Jessa is a counsellor that has recently completed her master of counselling degree through Athabasca University.

She is highly passionate about helping people become the best version of themselves and it is an honour for her to work alongside teens and their parents.

A few of her favourite things are spending time with her family, friends and pets, being in nature, cooking and eating delicious food. And also, she loves plants!

Once a month, she writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with. If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

3 Ways to Respond To Teen Behaviours

What to do once you understand the need driving teen behaviours?

If you ask me, trying to understand why the behaviour is occurring is the hard part, especially when there may be tears, yelling, walking away, or whatever your teen’s favourite way to show that something isn’t quite right is.

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Your mind may not automatically go to “Hmm… my daughter is having another meltdown before piano lessons… she must be expressing a need to have more choice or to be understood!” But understanding this why, or at least potential whys, can open up so many doors for communication, relationship-building, or for your daughter to be known and supported in decision making. If you’re currently unsure why your teen is acting in certain ways, you can read Chantal Côté ’s blog article: 5 Tips to Learning WHY Teens Behave the Way They Do (Teen Behaviours)’.

Once you have a potential why (or two), it is important to check in with your teen when she is in a calmer state. You may say something along the lines of “I wonder if you are resisting piano lessons so much because you feel you didn’t get a say in the matter?” Your teen may immediately jump to agree, or perhaps she has another idea as simple as not having time to eat a snack before the lesson or the piano lesson conflicting with another activity your teen is interested in. Checking in, being curious, and collaborating on the why together is incredibly important, because you both need to agree on the actual why for the “what” to be relevant and helpful.

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There are three general categories that immediately come to mind when I think about potential courses of action once the why is understood. These include self-awareness, skill development, and communication.

Responding to Teen Behaviours Category #1: Self-Awareness

Self-awareness is a big one. Sometimes it can be hard for your teen to understand why they are feeling the way they are or acting the way they do. Taking time to slow things down, to become comfortable with some discomfort, and to use both their thoughts and emotions to guide our actions are all key aspects of self-awareness.

As a parent, simple check-ins can help develop your teen’s self-awareness. Playful questions like “if your mood was the weather, what kind of day would it be?” can get your teen thinking about their internal experience. Using other less-direct strategies like looking at a feelings wheel together, watching Inside Out, or even taking online personality or love language quizzes can be useful tools in encouraging greater self-awareness.

Below is a feelings wheel, which shares not only the emotions your teen may be feeling, but the needs that could be behind the emotion as well. (If you would like a free printable version, email our team at info@pyramidpsychology.com).

 

 

Responding to Teen Behaviours Category #2: Skill Development

Depending on what the need is, sometimes there is a real opportunity for skill development. Let’s use the case of your teen not completing her homework as an example:

Potential unmet need #1: Need to be supported

In this case, a teen may be avoiding completing her homework due to not understanding the material and feeling anxious about the potential of being negatively judged.

A potential “what”: re-affirm your teen that you love her no matter what and that effort is more important than the outcome. In a case like this, your teen may benefit from some quality time, words of affirmation, or a break from the feelings of anxiety or inadequacy – maybe something completely fun and different like trying pottery, a paint night, or getting out to the mountains. Relevant skill development here includes greater self-awareness, communication, and a willingness to be authentic.

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Potential unmet need #2: Need for peace

In this second scenario, your teen may be struggling to complete her homework due to an unmet need for peace. Maybe there is a lot happening at your home, maybe your teen is a little on the messy side, or maybe your teen does not have a quiet place to complete her work.

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A potential “what”: find a quiet place with fewer distractions in your home to help your teen focus. If a consequence is appropriate for your teen not completing her homework, cleaning out a space could be a relevant consequence to meet that need for more peace. Helping other family members understand to keep the volume level down may be helpful as well. Relevant skill development includes aspects like self-advocacy, self-discipline, and organisational skills.

 Potential unmet need #3: Need for independence and choice

As another example, your teen may be choosing not to complete her homework due to a sense of not having enough independence or choice. I have met a few teens who are a little on the rebellious side and tend to push back against any loss of freedom, real or imagined.

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A potential “what” –  have an open and honest conversation with your teen about what areas are appropriate to have choice in and what areas are not. Teens need to go to school, and part of that is completing homework and assignments. However, there may be some room for choice about how and when to do the homework, such as after dinner instead of right after school. Relevant skill development may include completing tasks even when you do not want to and understanding relevant consequences, both good and bad, of personal choices.

Responding to Teen Behaviours Category #3: Communication

Help your teen understand that you are not a mind reader, and that communication is key to everyone’s wellbeing. My wonderful colleague Ally will be writing on this topic for next week’s blog!

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Discussing things such as the feelings wheel, self awareness, and needs behind behaviours, are what 1:1 therapy is all about for your teen. Having a neutral person they can let out their emotions to, and then safely discuss what’s going on behind the emotion, is important. You can book a free consultation to learn more about therapy for teens, here:

Book a Free Consultation

 

You can also discover more tips for parents around teen behaviours with another one of our team’s blogs: 4 Tips for Parents to Manage Teen Behaviours’.

 



Jessa is a provisional psychologist living and servicing teens and young adults in Calgary, Alberta.

Jessa is passionate about helping people become the best version of themselves and is continually learning how to best support her clients. She has experience with acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) and cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), but most importantly she emphasizes the therapeutic relationship.

A safe, authentic relationship is key for therapy to work. Jessa prioritizes compassion and nonjudgmental curiosity. Together, she can find out what matters most to you and how to get there.

If you think Jessa may be a good match for you, please feel free to reach out and set up a free consult or book a session. She is looking forward to hearing from you!

Once a month, she writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents, teens and young adults she connects with. If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

5 Tips To Learning WHY Teens Behave The Way They Do (Teen Behaviours)

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If your first reaction to your teen’s undesirable behaviour(s) is frustration and stress – this blog article is for you!

This month we are talking to teen girls and their parents about teen behaviours. We want to help you get curious about behaviour in a way that is going to make your parent-teen journey smooth-er sailing. 

When your teen yells, giving you side eye while storming up to their room and slamming their bedroom door where they are surely either flipping you the bird or maybe destroying your hard earned stuff, the last thing you want to do is be curious about the why. I get it. But, what’s underneath our teen’s behaviour tells an important story. It’s like figuring out the Rubik’s cube or solving a Japanese Puzzle Box. 

Eureka! 

Getting curious about your daughter’s teen behaviour can help you:

  • Get out of that stuck feeling of not knowing what to do or where to go from here 
  • Bring more peace to resolving conflict 
  • Regulate your emotions by bringing online the more analytical, reasoning part of the brain
  • Diffuse situations before they escalate
  • Be more creative in exploring options and resolutions

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The first thing to understand is that Behaviour seeks to meet a need. All behaviour is a response to an unmet need. Believe it or not, your teen fighting you on chores and constantly staying up past their bedtime is actually trying to accomplish something. Now, your teen is most likely not thinking, 

“I need more choice and autonomy,  so I’m going to argue with my mom about the chores they want me to do”.

It’s a little more subtle than that.  

Think of it as an iceberg- the part of the iceberg on the surface is the What. 

What you see, what they are doing, what is happening. 

Everything beneath the surface leads to the what. Things underneath the surface are often unknown to you and sometimes even unknown to your daughter’s conscious thought. Things like thoughts, beliefs, assumptions, perceptions, feelings, and needs are all underneath the surface. The behaviour you see is a combination of all of this and their available skills to take action on what they need. 

What does this actually look like in real life? 

 

Here’s an example. You struggle with your teen to get her to go to school. She outright refuses some days. (Tip of the iceberg).

Thoughts, assumptions, beliefs, perceptions– “people don’t really like me”, “they think I’m weird”, “if I stay home things will be better” (underneath the iceberg)

Feelings– worried, stressed, hopeless, embarrassed (underneath the iceberg)

Needs– connection, safety, security, inclusion, peace (underneath the iceberg)

Now you see the tip of the iceberg has a little more to it. In fact, you might have noticed yourself softening with empathy and compassion for this teen. Or, maybe not quite yet, but you’re considering. 

(For more examples and tips like this, give us a follow on Facebook or Instagram).

Teen Behaviours: Common Needs That Precede the Behaviour

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Here are a few important needs of behaviours:

  • Acceptance
  • Appreciation
  • Communication
  • Inclusion
  • Love
  • Respect/self-respect
  • To know and be known
  • Be understood
  • Rest/sleep
  • Movement/exercise
  • Presence
  • Joy
  • Humor
  • Peace
  • Inspiration
  • Choice
  • Freedom
  • Independence
  • Challenge
  • Growth
  • Hope
  • Self-expression
  • To matter

If  you want an even more thorough list, check out the Needs Inventory from The Center for Nonviolent Communication.

Another way of looking at needs is to consider them at different levels. Maslow’s Hierarchy represents this using a pyramid. At the base are the most basic needs and as you climb the pyramid the needs become more existential – and important nevertheless. 

So, how do you, a parent of a teenage daughter, figure out what she needs? Unlike the crying baby who prompts you into non-verbal detective work, your teen can be a collaborative partner in this discovery.  

Teen Behaviours: 5 Tips To Discover The Need (With Your Teen):

Understanding Teen Behaviours Tip #1: Ask questions to understand her perspective (help me understand why you want to stay up later? What’s important about going to that party? What’s your perspective on what happened? What do you think it means when she said that?

Understanding Teen Behaviours Tip #2: Play out the scenario like you are reading a case file from the CSI squad and it is now your turn to do a little profiling- e.g. Teen opposes you on everything. If you say left, she says right. Her political and social views are complete opposites of yours and she doesn’t have a problem letting you know that your beliefs are wrong. Need profiling- maybe a need for self-expression, autonomy, to be known, stimulation, discovery, etc.

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Understanding Teen Behaviours Tip #3:  magician never reveals their secrets, but perhaps will show you a trick or two. Let your teen know you notice the behaviour and are trying to grasp the bigger picture in support of them (and you). “I’ve noticed you run off to your bedroom right after school for a while instead of getting to your homework and chores that we’ve asked you to do. I’m thinking maybe you are needing some rest after school? I could be wrong, but can we talk about it and find a solution that works for everyone?”

Understanding Teen Behaviours Tip #4: Put yourself in her shoes. Empathy can be a great way to discover needs. You don’t need to totally relate to the situation at hand (maybe you’ve never had a snapstreak you didn’t want to give up!), but if you can relate to the feeling that’s where you can discover the need. E.g. I’ve felt annoyed before- I needed some space. I’ve felt left out before- I needed connection. 

Understanding Teen Behaviours Tip #5: Ask your wise council. Talking it through with someone can help give perspective and insights that you may not have considered before. Whether it’s your partner, your pastor, your therapist, or your wise gal pal, – lean in and see what more heads come up with. 

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You can collaborate further with your teen, by introducing a third party support person to talk it out with them. Your teen daughter can sometimes find it easier to go through ideas, or share her emotions, with someone who isn’t immediately connected to her – a safe space. At Pyramid Psychology, we have a team of skilled therapists who can help guide your teen through this conversation. You can book a free consultation with anyone on our team HERE.

Book a free teen therapy consultation

 

Stay tuned for our next blog where we walk you through what to do once you better understand the need. 

Love, 

Chantal

 

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

4 Tips for Parents to Manage Teen Behaviours

Teen behaviours, transitions and developments can be a tricky part of growing, existing and becoming, given that we experience the world, and the world experiences us in different ways. What might work for one, might not work for the other, just the same way we can be on different journeys at the same time. The key is to own it. Even with similar experiences it’s important to note that everyone’s outcome and what that experience means or looks like is unique and distinctive and therefore one’s willingness to understand or find meaning should be tailored to that specific individual and their unique experiences. Thus, not categorize or fit one’s lived experiences into a box. 

Given the diversified experiences and exposures we have as people, parents and even teenagers it is of paramount importance that we develop an understanding of what is behind the behaviours of teenagers – individuals who are slowly growing through their own transitions and working towards becoming young adults at some point.

Here are 3 tips and tricks that parents and teenagers can use in identifying and understanding the particular need behind a behaviour is:

Understanding Teen Behaviours Tip #1 – Develop A Sense Of Curiosity

What I mean by this is adapting yourself to understanding what might be going on or what you might be experiencing. For example, experiencing anxiety is not bad, we all experience anxiety at some point, but when it becomes a corner stone or is always in the forefront such that everything revolves around it, it would be key to be “curious” about what you might be experiencing. What could have triggered it? What is happening inside your body?  What would occur if you would sit with this experience of anxiety instead of trying to push it away? What is this (experience of anxiety) trying to inform me? What would help right now, is this a fact, feeling or a thought?  These are just some questions you can ask yourself as you develop a sense of curiosity around any mental health challenge or behaviour you might have. 

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Understanding Teen Behaviours Tip #2 = Using the S.T.O.P. Acronym:

I think at times as parents or even as teens we can get frustrated over an event, moment, experience we do not like, and end up doing something we might regret. This Dialectical Distress Tolerance Tool helps in grounding and being present in the moment. It also helps one develop an understanding of what might be going on. It has been useful for me and other individuals I have worked with, and I think it might be useful for you too. 

Understanding Teen Behaviours Tip #3 Cultivate An Open, Honest Space

Sometimes we get caught up in a behaviour or a child’s performance instead of appreciating who they are as individuals. As a result, children may shy away from being emotionally vulnerable or honest and rather “act out” if I may say or “shut down”. This can also be as a result of a child, or a teen feeling out of control and may not have resources or useful strategies to help better express themselves. It would be important to not praise a child solely on their outcome/ performance but their process. An example could be instead of just saying “well done on your test”, one could say, “you really took the time, put in effort alongside hard work to achieve your goal. It’s been really beautiful to watch, well done”.  This also helps children note that even in adversity or if struggling they have support and have some will power in them. Its paramount for teens to know that they are loved for who they are and not what they do. Cultivating a space where a child or a teenager can be open and honest allows room for growth, change and mistakes. Cultivating such a space also means respecting and upholding boundaries as well. Establishing a respectful and trusting relationship is key. 

Understanding Teen Behaviours Tip #4: Responsive vs Reactive

Last but not least let’s work on being more responsive than reactive. This ties into emotional intelligence. Here is a picture that could phrase what I mean more clearly.

 

 

I would also say that the use of language is important when trying to understand the needs behind a behaviour. Using diminishing language gets you or a teen nowhere. Using loving terms and language that is filled with humility and concern could help. One should avoid shaming or humiliating a child or a teen even when concerned. Rather see the child or teen as a whole person. A tip on how to go about this is, putting yourself in another person’s shoes, would you like the language, tone of voice being used? How would you respond? 

I would like to leave you with a quote, and I hope this sparks some reflective moments in you:

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Please know that you are not alone on your journey. Sometimes, getting an outside perspective can really help – particularly for your teen, who may  need a neutral sounding board to discover the needs behind their own behaviours. You can book a complimentary meet and greet session with me below, to discover if I would be a good fit to support your teen with 1:1 therapy.

Book an Appointment


I am a registered social worker with a Bachelor of Social Work with a major in psychology from the university of the Western Cape, and a Master’s in Clinical Social Work specialization with individuals, families, and groups from the University of Calgary.

In my practice, I note the different intersectionalites that come into play, and I have adapted myself to understanding the effects thereof. I pride myself in working from a holistic and integrative approach using trauma-informed, anti-oppressive, and intersectional lenses in rendering services.

I am grounded by embracing my full humanness-being imperfectly perfect. My faith, family and friendships carry me through life and its happenings. I find being in nature very healing and so is savouring moments. When not working, I love to engage in some fitness, going on walks, journaling, catching up on Korean series, city adventures and reading for pleasure. I also believe in allowing my inner child come out sometimes through art, dancing, building sand castles you name it.