parent relationship with teens

5 Ways to Fortify Your Parent Relationship With Your Teen Daughter

5 Ways to Fortify Your Parent Relationship With Your Teen Daughter

The #1 question I get from parents in sessions is “how can I strengthen (AKA fortify) my parent relationship with my daughter?”. Your daughter’s teen years are an exciting time or growth and independence… And it can also be a terrifying time when you feel like you’re in the dark and disconnected from her.

 

How to Raise Unbreakable Teen Girls: A guide for parents wanting to raise confident, resilient young women in today’s world. CLICK HERE FOR FREE DOWNLOAD <<<

9 tools you can immediately use to improve your teen’s mental health, strengthen her relationships, and boost her confidence.

Guide to Raise Unbreakable Teen Girls

 

Raising a teen is not easy and I’m smack dab in the middle of it as I write this. I remind myself every day that the relationship with

parent relationship with teens

Photo created with elements on Canva Pro

him matters more now than ever.

 

And yet… As I wait for my my son in the dentist’s office, ocean dreams with colourful fish swimming through the waters playing on the TV monitor, I find myself strangely at ease. 

Words you need to hear as a parent of a teenage daughter:

5 Ways to Fortify Your Parent Relationship With Your Teen Daughter

#1 – Give yourself some grace and kindness

The world of adolescence is complex and filled with more questions than answers. How do you know if you’re doing the right thing? How do you guide them to make smart decisions? How do you help them when they’re struggling? 

Wheeewwwww – take a breath with me – it can be heavy. You are not alone and you are doing the best you can with what you know right now. Start there 🧡

 

#2 – See the world through their eyes

Remember what it was like to be 12? 16? Imagine what it’s like to be 12 or 16 today…. Imagine what it’s like to be your daughter right now. 

parent relationship with teens

Photo from Canva Pro

I become like the grinch at the end of the movie when I think of this. My heart grows 3 times bigger. 

 

#3 – Learn to Speak her love language 

Not everyone shows and receives love in the same way. Even in families, there can be big differences in how each member displays their affection and care towards each other.

Take a minute to learn yours and your teen daughter’s love language. It’ll go a long way in bonding your relationship. You can both take a free quiz here to get started: Love Languages Quiz.

 

#4 – Say yes to connecting

Her timing might be off sometimes. Her desire might be little. Her sharing might be spontaneous. What’s more, you might not be in the mood for a heart to heart. 

But I promise those moments, no matter how small or brief, make such a huge difference.

Whether it’s a high five, a smile, sharing a Matcha tea together, or talking about her hopes and dreams while lying side-by-side in her bed, say yes to connect.

 

#5 – When all else fails, Laugh. 

parent relationship with teens

Photo by Joel Mott on Unsplash

Humour has the power of diffusing tense situations. It has the potential of opening doors around sensitive topics. It has the possibility to

change moods and uplift. It has the potency to  release stress. It has the power to connect and the gift of perspective. 

Obviously, laughter is not the solution to everything but bringing some levity and lightness to any relationship can bring more ease.

Find that playful part of you, maybe tucked away deep inside. Give yourself permission to laugh at yourself once in a while, make light of something that brings the two of you together, and help your daughter find the “not so serious” about things at times.

Some final words that stuck with me the other day-. 

You will teach them to fly, but they will not fly your flight. You will teach them to dream, but they will not dream your dream. You will teach them to live, but they will not live your life”.- Raising Teens Today 

Love,

Chantal

Psychologist, Teen Life Coach, and Founder of Pyramid Psychology

FREE DOWNLOAD: Mental Health Handbook for Teen Girls

An eBook with 10 mental health exercises every teen girl needs to know to:

  • Improve focus
  • Boost happy hormones naturally
  • Cope with trick feelings
  • Develop self-compassion

I Want the Handbook!

 


Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

teen boundaries

3 Questions for Parents to Ask About Teen Boundaries

There is a certain b-word that comes up frequently in my sessions: boundaries. Specifically, teen boundaries. Let’s figure out what they are, and how to discuss them with your teen!

 

 

At the core, boundaries are the lines that differentiate between things that are acceptable and unacceptable. In therapy, we explore the boundaries that are personal to the individual and are set within the context of relationships. Relationships in this context refer to any connection between two people, whether that is romantic, friendship, or family-based.

Personal boundaries vary between individuals and may also vary significantly across time and context.  When thinking about boundaries there are many distinct aspects to consider, some examples being emotional boundaries, physical boundaries, temporal boundaries, and intellectual boundaries.

There is a visual about boundaries that I use from TherapistAid to explore boundaries with my teen clients, and I have included it below for your own use:

 

 

(You can go directly to TherapistAid and print the visual HERE.

I invite you to reflect or collaborate with your teen (or your parent, if you are a teen!) on the following questions:

 

teen boundaries

Photo from Canva Pro

3 Questions for Parents to Help With Teen Boundaries

1) What relationships in my life may fall under porous boundaries, healthy boundaries, and rigid boundaries?

2) What are the impacts of these different types of boundaries? How do I feel in a rigid boundary relationship or a porous boundary relationship, in comparison to a healthy boundary relationship?

3) How can I move toward healthier boundaries, if I notice I may be using porous or rigid boundaries in my relationships?

>>> FREE DOWNLOAD: Depression & Anxiety Toolkit for Parents Raising Teen Girls <<<

10 tools you can immediately use to improve your female identifying teens’ mental health & build resistance against depression & anxiety:

 

Anxiety & Depression Toolkit for Parents Raising Teen Girls

As a bonus question, you may find it helpful to know that in my sessions with teens, concerns about “trauma dumping”, people pleasing, and avoiding (healthy) conflict often come up. How might these concerns fit into the concept of healthy boundaries?

 

If starting this conversation with your teen brings up more questions, we would love to hear from you!

You can email our team with next steps at info@pyramidpsychology.com

Love, Jessa

 


Jessa is a registered psychologist living and servicing teens and young adults in Calgary, Alberta.

Jessa is passionate about helping people become the best version of themselves and is continually learning how to best support her clients. She has experience with acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) and cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), but most importantly she emphasizes the therapeutic relationship.

A safe, authentic relationship is key for therapy to work. Jessa prioritizes compassion and nonjudgmental curiosity. Together, she can find out what matters most to you and how to get there.

If you think Jessa may be a good match for you, please feel free to reach out and set up a free consult or book a session. She is looking forward to hearing from you!

Once a month, she writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents, teens and young adults she connects with. If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

teen truths

5 Teen Truths

5 Teen Truths

I have a confession to make! 

The other day I was volunteering to build boxes for a local charity that serves those who experience food scarcity. I got paired up with a lovely teen human. The job was pretty straightforward. Fold the box. Tape the box. Label the box. So after building a  couple, you kind of get the hang of it. 

This meant we had lots of time to talk. The more I listened to my table buddy, hearing about all the things they were interested in and knew about, the more my heart felt full. Then a couple days later, one of my teen client’s was telling me about their passion. She proudly shared some of her art with me. That same full heart feeling

appeared. Once again today as a parent told me how

teen truths

Photo by Mike Von on Unsplash

their teen faced their fear in doing something they had been procrastinating on for a long time, the centre of my chest lit up like a Christmas Tree. 

I’m starting to sense a pattern. 

>>> FREE ONLINE COMMUNITY FOR TEEN GIRLS: The Wellness hub <<<

A private online community for teen girls only, with access to wellness resources such as audio clips & blogs:

Wellness Hub Waiting List

My Confession:

I’m a HUGE admirer of teens. I think of the curiosity, creativity, and sense of rebellion (in a let’s do it differently than the generations before us kind of energy) all bundled into one amazing vessel of potential. And, after talking to hundreds of teen girls, each is incredibly unique. Each one of you has a story to tell, experiences that have shaped you, opinions about the world, things you care about, unique taste in music, sense of fashion, relationships, etc. 

I see you. I hear you. I am Inspired.

 

If you:

  • Doubt what you have to say matters. You’re not alone 
  • Think that adults won’t pay attention or understand. You’re probably a little bit right 
  • Hesitate because you think others will be disappointed.  It’s normal (still don’t let it stop you) 
  • Believe you don’t measure up to how perfect others appear to be. Let that go right now! 
  • Don’t think you have any great qualities or strengths. Think again Think again

 

teen truths

Photo by Ernest Brillo on Unsplash

>>> FREE ONLINE COMMUNITY FOR TEEN GIRLS: The Wellness hub <<<

A private online community for teen girls only, with access to wellness resources such as audio clips & blogs:

Wellness Hub Waiting List

There are many people like me, dedicated and equally curious about who you are and who can’t wait to see how you will shape the world around you by virtue of being you. Have those people in your court! Get your name down for our soon to be online wellness hub community HERE.

Over the next couple months, we at Pyramid Psychology are focusing on all things connected to what makes you unique. Uncovering your strengths, values, skills and stepping into your spotlight. And knowing there’s a group of caring, sincere, adults that are cheering you on every step of the way. 

Can’t wait to meet you! 

Love, 

Chantal

 


Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

teen mindset

7 Qualities to Create An Unbreakable Teen Mindset

7 Qualities to Create An Unbreakable Teen Mindset

As a teen life coach, I almost always hear from parents of teen girls how they want their daughters to have the tools to be happy. You want your teens to be able to handle challenging experiences and be OK now and as they grow into adulthood.  Creating an unbreakable teen mindset from within is the best tool you have to guide your daughter to happiness.

>>> FREE DOWNLOAD: Depression & Anxiety Toolkit for Parents Raising Teen Girls <<<

10 tools you can immediately use to improve your female identifying teens’ mental health & build resistance against depression & anxiety:

 

Anxiety & Depression Toolkit for Parents Raising Teen Girls

teen mindset

Photo by Joel Muniz on Unsplash

Do you ever worry that stress, overwhelm, or just life in general are too much for your daughter some days? 

I’ve noticed the teens who work with our team who see the biggest difference in their lives; the ones who tell us they are happier and healthier, are the ones who have been able to master what we call an Unbreakable Teen Mindset. One of the three essential pillars that we teach teens is how to use their mind, thoughts, and attitudes to help them live their best lives. 

If your teen daughter is struggling to find happiness because of stress, anxiety, and overwhelm, let me tell you what building an Unbreakable Teen Mindset is and what it can do for her.

An Unbreakable Mindset is not about getting right all the time. It is not about perfection (is there such a thing?!). It is not about always being happy.

An Unbreakable Teen Mindset is about building up the following qualities: 

  • Confidence in trying and doing things even if it may not work out the way you hoped.
    teen mindset

    Photo from Canva Pro

  • Flexibility in knowing there isn’t only one way.

  • Growth in seeing where you were, where you are, and where you are heading.

  • Perspective in being able to take a step back and consider things in different ways.

  • Grit in preserving when the going gets tough.

  • Insight in always learning more about yourself, your relationships, and the world.

  • The power to pivot when something or some way of thinking is just not working. 

 

teen mindset

Photo from Canva Pro

By building up each of these qualities (and no it doesn’t all have to happen at once), your daughter is growing an Unbreakable Teen Mindset; A way of thinking that will help her not only survive the ups and downs of being a teen, but to live a happier and healthier life that goes well beyond her teenage years. 

Join our community of adolescent girl identifying teens (age 11-21) to learn more about how to help your teen gain the tools to be unbreakable by downloading our free Anxiety and Depression Toolkit for Parents Raising Teen Girls here:

>>> FREE DOWNLOAD: Depression & Anxiety Toolkit for Parents Raising Teen Girls <<<

10 tools you can immediately use to improve your female identifying teens’ mental health & build resistance against depression & anxiety:

 

Anxiety & Depression Toolkit for Parents Raising Teen Girls

Love,

Chantal

 


Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

mentor

8 Reasons Your Teen Daughter Needs A Mentor

8 Reasons Your Teen Daughter Needs A Mentor

mentor

Photo by Kevin Laminto on Unsplash

Having a teen mentor is crucial for teen girls. I will share 8 reasons why shortly.

But first, dear most amazing parents of teen girls, I am going to ask you a really important question: 

When you think back to your teen years, who are the people that had the strongest positive impact on your life? 

You might be thinking about that teacher who wouldn’t give up on you, your older cousin who understood everything you were going through, the no-nonsense coach who pushed you to do better, or your best friend’s mom who always showed you the utmost kindness. 

Maybe you didn’t have a person directly in your life, so you looked to those you didn’t know personally; an author, actor, philosopher, artist, musician, athlete…..

One of those people for me was my Uncle. There was nothing particularly exceptional about what he did, it was more of a feeling. When I was around him, I felt seen. I felt important. I felt loved. Thinking of him now puts a massive smile on my face. I remember his qualities of kindness, warmth, and adventure. And, what a sense of humour! His wit was worth admiring in my books. 

Even though he died when I was in my teens, I still see him as one of my best mentors. 

mentor

Photo by Christina @ wocintechchat.com on Unsplash

How did the person you thought of make a positive difference in your life? Do you remember what they said or did for you that made an impact? Is it more of a memory on how their being in your life made you feel?

When I look back at the impact my Uncle had and still has on my life, I realize just how exceptional it was. I strive to live out the qualities he modeled. The relationships we have in our teenage years have the potential to change the course of our lives. 

Reggie Nelson and Jessica Hurley are two wonderful anecdotes of how powerful mentors can be for teens. 

So one more question for you….. Who is your daughter’s teen mentor? 

8 Reasons Your Teen Daughter Needs A Mentor:

  • Helps your teen daughter believe in herself and the possibilities for her life
  • Gives your daughter a person to go to for advice and guidance
    mentor

    Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

  • Creates hope (when your daughter doesn’t feel alone)
  • Builds long term trusted friendships to help your teen daughter through the ups and downs 
  • Supports your daughter to develop her identity
  • Opens doors to new ways of thinking (and new opportunities) for your daughter
  • Provides a way for your teen daughter to practice social + conversational skills, and build conflict resolution skills
  • Provides your teen daughter with a model for qualities and characteristics 

So, I ask again. Who is your daughter’s mentor? Someone who is a champion of her life – cheerleading and rooting for her no matter what. Somebody she sees as a trusted guide, who is consistent. Someone who sees her.

 

If you didn’t immediately know the answer, I encourage you to talk to your daughter. Ask her who she looks up to, admires, or reaches out to for help. Ask her if she needs more support; someone in her corner.

mentor

Photo by Frank Leuderalbert on Unsplash

It’s really important to take ego out of the equation, and recognize that teen girls often need support outside of their immediate family (goodness knows I wanted someone other than my parents as a teen, haha)!

At Unbreakable Teen Me, we offer a safe space for your daughter to have a teen mentor. A woman she can look up to, go to for advice, and build her skills with. You can get to know any of our team members HERE (simply scroll to the bottom of the page).

When your daughter has chosen a potential teen mentor (therapist) she resonates with most, you can book a completely free consultation (Alberta, Canada residents) to ensure it’s a good fit. You can book your consultation with any of our team members here:

Find Your Daughter's Mentor Today

 

Love,
Chantal

 


Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

Teen Friendships: 7 Questions to Decide If They Are Good Ones

Teen Friendships: 7 Questions to Decide If They Are Good Ones

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

How is back-to-school going, and the teen friendships that come with it?

There are a plethora of things to think about: What are your teachers going to be like? Are you in the same classes as your friends? Did you get the elective you wanted? Will you be able to stay motivated and keep your grades up this year? What are you going to wear on the first day? and… Will that giant stress pimple that decided to show up two days ago disappear from your forehead before the first day?!

That’s a lot to think about. I hope you’re managing ok. As a teen girl, I had mixed feelings about the start of school each year. I was always looking forward to hanging out with my friends, couldn’t wait to get a few new pieces of clothing, and I had a bit of a thing for nice stationary. In fact, a lot of a thing- I even got a job at Staples because of it! I also felt kind of stressed. All this stuff can pile up in your brain, but there’s one that can really make or break a school year and that is TEEN FRIENDSHIPS.

Would you agree?

I mean I’m not saying teen friendships are the only thing to worry about of course. And I’m not saying you should measure your happiness based on your friendships this school year. Let’s be honest, friends are human…. So they can be fickle, moody, change their tastes, change their minds, and well um…. Change just in general.

Motivational speaker Jim Rohn says “You’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with” and someone else once said “show me your friends and I’ll show you your future”. Although you aren’t totally defined and influenced by only 5 people in your life, there is some truth to these statements.

Think about friends who start to kind of dress alike. Best friends who like the same music, watch some of the same shows, laugh at the same kind of humour, back up the same social movements. It’s great to have people who get you. Teen friendships that have your back.

7 Questions to Ask About Teen Friendships

I want to share with you 7 questions that you can ask yourself as a bit of a litmus test to help you see if your current friendships are solid.

(Note: These questions were Inspired by a fun quiz on Kids Help Phone).

Teen Friendships Question #1: Can I be myself?

Photo by Melissa Askew on Unsplash

If you can speak openly and honestly and really feel like you are being You around your friend(s) – this is a good sign. If you need to change or filter out a lot of what you’d like to say, you are probably not able to be your real self around this person. This is a red flag.

Teen Friendships Question #2: Do we listen to what each other has to say?

Listening includes not interrupting, hearing what matters to each person, leaving the judgy comments out so you actually feel like it’s ok to share things that are important to you. It’s not a 50/50 split most of the time, but if you feel like you are not being heard and that what you have to say doesn’t matter, pay attention to this.

Teen Friendships Question #3: Do I feel appreciated? Do I appreciate them?

Are there things about your friend that you really like? If you find yourself cheering them on to succeed in things and they are doing the same for you, that sounds like a solid friendship. On the other hand, if you spend a lot of time feeling jealous and resentful for things going their way or if it’s the other way around- caution- this may not be the best friendship for you

Teen Friendships Question #4: Do we fight fair?

Friends don’t always get along. That’s the nature of relationships. When you are disagreeing or in a conflict with your friend, do you take some time to think it

Photo by Jarritos Mexican Soda on Unsplash

through? Do you talk it out? Do you cool off and speak up for yourself and allow your friend to do the same? If so, these are the conflict resolution skills of a good friendship. Do you say hurtful things to their face or behind their back? Do you spread rumours? Attack them on social media? Not the best friendship patterns emerging here.

Teen Friendships Question #5: Can I be honest and trusting?

It’s ok to not like the same things or see eye to eye on everything. If you can share a different perspective and trust that your friend will still be a friend, this is good news. If you tread lightly because you fear being the centre of gossip or outcasted from the group or have become a Yes person to appease, it might be time to rethink this friendship.

Teen Friendships Question #6: Are we there for each other?

You don’t have to share all your secrets with your friend(s), but it is important to have someone who wants to help and be there for you when you’re having a tough time. Likewise, if you want to help and be there for them, even if you don’t always know how and what to say- this is definitely good friendship territory. If your friend seems annoyed any time you bring something up that has a smidge of problem to it or you find yourself not caring that much what happens to them when they’re struggling- this might be get-out-of-the-friendship territory. Here’s another thing to consider- if your friendship is one-sided, where you (or the other person)

Photo by Omar Lopez on Unsplash

feels like they’re putting in way more effort than the other one, that’s not usually the best situation for a solid friendship.

Teen Friendships Question #7: Do we have fun together?

Yes, because it is about Karaoking badly and inventing song lyrics about your classmates and putting food on each other’s faces for a game of guess what your “beauty mask” is made of….. Or not….maybe that was just me. It is about having fun. If this is a resounding YES. Keep having fun with this friend. If it is all drama all the time or just a one show pony of sadness, arguing, boredom, etc. It may be time to let this one go.

How did the litmus test go? Are your friends keepers?? You can also use this as a way of vetting new friends as you get to know them. Having great friendships, even if they don’t last forever, or become your ultimate best friend, makes a world of difference in having a great life and funny stories to tell.

Until next time.

Love,
Chantal

 


Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

Feelings As Visitors: How To Welcome All Feelings Even The “Bad” Ones

  

Learning From Our Feelings 

Ok today we’re writing about tricky feelings, those feelings that are difficult to experience, those that are pleasant, and feelings in general. I want to highlight that our relationship with our feelings is pretty important and if we learn to approach feelings with curiosity rather than resistance and judgement, we may find that we can cope much better. 

​I’ve decided to start by sharing a poem that I find quite profound and helpful in how I experience feelings. I like this poem for many different reasons, but mainly because, for me, it talks about how we can have a relationship with feelings and experience feelings in a way that isn’t scary. If we spend less time trying to avoid or deny a feeling and more time listening and learning about it,  the experience may be easier to have and may teach us something.

Photo by Canva

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

— Jellaludin Rumi,

Feelings Don’t Last That Long

 

Photo by Canva

Learning and listening to our feelings may open the door to opportunities, as Rumi said, and the reality is feelings don’t necessarily last as long as we think. Feelings come and go and are constantly changing, but we may tend to perceive them as lasting a long time or not lasting long enough.

I saw a post on social media that shared a picture with two lines. The top line symbolized
How long we think a feeling is going to last.

Beneath it was another line that symbolized
How long a feeling actually lasts.

​What it showed is typically we anticipate that tricky feelings are going to be more intense, last much longer, or be more scary than they actually are. It’s important for me to say that feelings are legitimate and some feelings are very difficult and painful to experience. YES, this is true and this is the human condition. Even those feelings don’t continually happen, we kind of tend to bob in and out of them in the mix of all our other experiences.

So this topic is about how to deal with tricky feelings and feelings that are difficult to have.

​In our society, we are kind of taught to do a couple things with feelings.

One of them is to chase or gather a feeling that we really love. Say for example the feeling of happiness, excitement or joy. We’re always striving to have that feeling and have lots of that feeling, you know like the pursuit of happiness. In this case there is often a scarcity mentality, like there is just never enough of that feel good emotion. We can also become concerned about moments we are not feeling those more positive feelings, sending us on a futile hunt.

Another thing that we’re taught is not let ‘bad feelings’ in or to avoid, deny, or change them. There seems to be messages of shame around experiencing certain emotions that are perceived as negative like anger, sadness, anxiety, boredom, etc.

If we learn to approach feelings with curiosity rather than resistance and judgement, we may find that we can cope much better.

Photo by Canva

If you imagine yourself as a little person inside a house and you think about feelings as visitors or guests, there are some that we openly invite in,

“Oh yes, come on in and take up all the space you need”, feelings like happiness, joy,  peace, or calm.

Then there are other feelings like sadness, pain, or anxiety that we decide “I don’t want to have this feeling” so we slam the door in their face.

Photo by Canva

The thing is these guests, the feelings, don’t just go away like that. They are quite persistent that they have something to share with you, and will just keep trying to find a way to get in. Those feelings end up kind of sticking around a lot longer than they need to, which can cause problems.

Thinking of feelings as guests or visitors, like Rumi wrote about and another book I will share with you, allows us to interact with them in a very curious way instead of being scared or reluctant to experience feelings, even if it’s one we think may not be great to have around.

The book ‘Visiting Feelings’ by Lauren Rubenstein is a great resource. It has beautiful artwork and a poetic tone to the writing. This book invites people to consider what a feeling might look like, sound like, feel like, and takes a curious approach to feelings.

I really wanted you to take a moment to sit with that possibility. Feelings as visitors, as guests.

Temporary. Impermanent. Not forever.

They will not last forever: good, bad, or terrible. I want to invite you to think about the different feelings you experience everyday and approach them with curiosity rather than judgement.

​Consider asking the following questions of your feelings:

What does this feeling want me to know? What does it need right now? What is one thing I can do to learn more about it? Can I journal, draw, talk to someone about it, build it with clay, splatter paint to represent it, blast music that sounds like it?

Box Journaling

 

If you’re onboard with this idea of feelings as visitors or at least onboard with trying it out, I would invite you to try a journaling exercise. There are so many ways to journal and I am going to share one as I was inspired by Carla Sonheim, who shared this in a webinar.

Ok in reviewing my video above, I chuckled because I don’t quite know my left from my right, but rest assured the concept of box journaling is legitimate. I like box journaling because it combines free flowing ideas and creativity, as well as, some structure and idea prompting so that you can come away with an idea or an action to take that might be helpful.

For box journaling you will need a sheet of paper and a black marker (you can use a pen or pencil also). If you have pencil crayons or coloured markers, you can also use those. Start out by drawing a large box on your paper. You will then be dividing the box into 5 sections.

Section one: ​Draw a horizontal line under the top line of the box (creating its own little box within the larger box) and this is where you will put the date and you can add where you were when you journaled.

Section two and three: Underneath the horizontal box create two vertical boxes. These will take about two thirds of the page. The one on the left is the largest and the one on the right is slimmer. The left box is where you will put your free writing. The slimmer panel box on the right is where you will grab ideas from the free write and create a list of themes, ideas, key phrases, action items, etc.

Section four and five: Underneath the section 2/3 boxes you will create two smaller boxes that are about equal in size. They will take up the rest of the space on the paper. The box on the left will be for a drawing. This can be a squiggle, scribble, symbol, stick figure, or any kind of image that helps represent something about your writing or how you are feeling in that moment. The last box on the right is a miscellaneous box. You can continue some free writing here, continue your image, paste a quote, add an affirmation or word that inspires you, etc. You get to decide what goes here.

 

Box journaling can take as much or as little time as you have. If you only have 10 minutes, spend 5 minutes on the free write journaling and the rest in the other sections. If you have a little longer, give yourself at least 5-10 minutes to free write and then a few minutes with each of the other sections.

There’s an idea of what you can do to start to be curious about feelings. Consider for yourself, what are some other things you can do to invite feelings in and learn more about them while they are visiting?

If you found this post helpful, pass it on by emailing a friend or sharing it on Twitter or Facebook- Thanks!


Chantal Côté

5 Practical Ways to Take Control of your Happiness

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

The Link Between Screen Time and Teen Depression

As a parent, it can be easy to question the amount of time your teen is spending on their phone and be curious about the impact on mental health. Research indicates a correlation between increased screen time and teen depression (Association of Screen Time and Depression in Adolescence), but the situation is not completely black and white. Understanding the role that technology plays in teens’ lives and the pros and cons can help inform family decisions around screen time.

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Screen Time & Teen Depression: Factors to Consider

          There is a correlation between depression and screen time. It is true that excessive amounts of screen time can be a factor leading to depression, but teens who are struggling with depression are also likely to spend more time using technology as well (Association of Screen Time and Depression in Adolescence).

          The amount of time looking at screens is important to consider. Research indicates that both no screen time and too much screen time (usually defined as being over 6 hours per day) can have negative effects on a teen’s mental health and development. In contrast, screen time of around 2-4 hours a day is associated with cognitive and psychosocial benefits in the teenage years (Digital media: Promoting healthy screen use in school-aged children and adolescents)

          The content being viewed matters:

*    If your teenager is frequently looking at photoshopped images of Instagram influencers or celebrities, they often start to compare themselves to these perfect images and lifestyles. In comparing themselves to these unattainable standards, your teen’s self-esteem may start to suffer, and they are more likely to experience symptoms of depression.

Photo by Canva

*   Technology can also be used for learning and exposure to new ideas and perspectives. School and homework are also increasingly online or require varying amounts of screen time. 

        Technology and screen time provides teenagers with a way to connect, which is especially important during the socially isolating times of Covid-19 restrictions. Social connection, whether in-person or online, is vital in the teenage years and significantly decreases the likelihood of depression (Strong friendships in adolescence may benefit mental health in the long run).

          Excessive time spent on screens means that your teen is being less physically active and may be missing out on other meaningful activities. Exercise is a significant protective factor against depression at any age (Keep your teen moving to reduce risk of depression).

          Using screens right before bedtime can also delay sleep and reduce total sleep time (Youth screen media habits and sleep: sleep-friendly screen-behavior recommendations for clinicians, educators, and parents). Sleep is especially important during the teenage years, and most teenagers are not getting enough sleep. Teens who do not get enough sleep are more likely to feel depressed (Teens and sleep: Why you need it and how to get enough).

Teen Depression: Making a Plan for Screen Time

In collaborating on a screen time plan, think about having screen-free times or zones and what that may look like. For example, maybe there is a family agreement that cellphones will be put away during dinner, or that cellphones will be turned off an hour before bedtime.

Educate your teen on the pros and cons of technology use. Help them develop a critical eye that questions the information they are reading and the images they are seeing. Online safety is another very important conversation to have.

Role model what healthy technology use can look like, and encourage open and honest conversations with your teen.

Photo by Canva

Consider incorporating more variety into the day or week, whether that be sports, a family walk, volunteering, or some other activity that encourages your teen to be present and engaged in the moment.

Use technology and screen time as a way to connect with your teen. Be curious about what they like about it and what they find meaningful or funny. If appropriate, maybe there is even a game to participate in together!

At the end of the day, each family needs to make their own decisions about screen time, knowing it will evolve as time goes, and find a way that best fits them. The key is to find a balance and to remember that screen time is neither all-good nor all-bad.

If you’re seeing your teen go through depression and are needing some support, my name is Jessa Tiemstra and I specialize in counselling for teen girls in Alberta, Canada. You can book a free consultation with me HERE.


Jessa is a counsellor that has recently completed her master of counselling degree through Athabasca University.

She is highly passionate about helping people become the best version of themselves and it is an honour for her to work alongside teens and their parents.

A few of her favourite things are spending time with her family, friends and pets, being in nature, cooking and eating delicious food. And also, she loves plants!

Once a month, she writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with. If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

4 Ways To Tell If Teen Therapy Is Right For You

Is teen therapy right for your teen?

Your teen is blowing up and locking themselves in their bathroom for hours. You notice their motivation is at 0%, their mood is really low, and they are either telling you about their problems or keeping a tight lid on the struggle.

Photo by wocintechchat on Unsplash.

You are concerned about their body image, self-esteem, friendships, anxiety and negative thoughts.

You are noticing behaviours that are freaking you out… 

Know that a lot of this is normal.

However, normal doesn’t mean easy and it doesn’t mean it can’t change.

If you’re in a hurry, you can catch the four factors in deciding if teen therapy is right for your teen, in this short video from our Founder, Psychologist & Teen Coach Chantal Côté here:

 

Here are four ways to tell if teen therapy is right for you:

1. Teen Therapy Factor #1: Current Supports

Take a look at their natural supports. Who does your teen have in their life that they can open up and talk to? That can be you, another relative, a teacher or a coach –

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

think of adults in their life that are natural supports they may look up to. Also consider people their age, a group of friends, or a club they may be part of; other teens they can talk to, have fun with, etc.If you’ve checked off a few of the people listed above, that’s a really good thing!

If you’re struggling to think of people your teen can trust and feel safe around, that’s a really good sign that teen therapy would be super beneficial.

Two of our team members here at Pyramid Psychology are currently taking on new clients. Alberta, Canada residents can book a free 20-minute session with Chip Bvindi or Jessa Tiemstra here:

 

Book A Free Consultation

 

2. Teen Therapy Factor #2: Concurrent Stressors

Consider what your teen’s current stressors are. Of course, every teen will have some level of stress all the time! But really take a look at things a little deeper. Are there significant changes happening in your teen’s life right now? Think about things like family life, school, friendships, relationships, gender, identity, sexuality,

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

body image, self image in general, etc. Is there something going on in one of these areas that’s adding stress to your teen? Is something making things a little more complicated for them?

If you said ‘yes’ to any of the possible stressors above, this is an indication that teen therapy is a good resource for your teen.

You can book a free consultation with Jessa Tiemstra or Chipo Bvindi here:

Book A Free Consultation

 

3. Teen Therapy Factor #3: How Much The Problem Is Disrupting Daily Functioning

Are the stressors your teen is facing affecting their daily life? Here are three indications that your teen’s daily life is being affected:

  • Your teen struggling to get out of bed in the morning.
  • You hear your teen crying themselves to sleep most nights (or they tell you about it).
  • Your teen is engaging in maladaptive behaviours, like constantly being on their phone or pulling away from reality.

Photo by Kinga Cichewicz on Unsplash

If these things are happening regularly for your teen, it is an urgent sign that connecting them with someone else (1:1 therapy) is very important.

If, however, your teen is experiencing these things only from time to time, it may be part of regular stress.

If you’re not sure how often “time to time” is, and how often it would be considered an issue, book a free consultation with Chipo Bvindi or Jessa Tiemstra and we will ensure 1:1 therapy is the best option for your teen:

Book A Free Consultation

 

Teen Therapy Factor #4: Current Coping Strategies

Last, but not least, taking a look at your teen’s coping strategies can help determine if they are needing extra support, or if they already have what they need to handle their stressors independently. Does your teen have activities they like to do that fills their time and lifts their mood when they are struggling? Looking at how connected your teen is to community is helpful here too – are they part of a group or organization they can reach out to, that connects them to others, and makes them feel good + safe? Does your teen have things they turn to in times of stress, like movement or art? Think about how connected your teen is to their emotions – can they name their emotions and name what they need to help? Does your teen take action when they are feeling overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, or depressed? Or

Photo by Gautam Arora on Unplash

do they let their emotions drag them down?

If you read the above paragraph and have listed several coping strategies your teen utilizes on a regular basis, they are likely well on their way to independently handling their stressors!

If you noticed your teen could use some more support in this area, it’s a good idea to reach out to one of our therapists. One of the things Jessa Tiemstra and Chipo Bvindi work to do in their sessions, is discovering what coping skills your teen already possesses, and then build on these skills with personalized strategies.

Book A Free Consultation

 

Here is a little information on the therapists we currently have available to support your teen:

Jessa Tiemstra

Hi there! My name is Jessa.

I am a provisional psychologist working with teens, parents, and young adults in Calgary, Alberta. I am passionate about helping people become the best version of themselves and am truly honoured to work in this field.

When I am not working, I have a range of interests that keep me busy. I love animals and have a dog and a cat that both like a lot of attention (both tri-coloured and fluffy!) I also enjoy plants, being outside, cooking, baking, crafty activities, going for walks, and video games.

I love spending time with family and friends but am an introvert at heart so quieter nights at home are good too.

I have called Calgary home for most of my life and love living here. Being a provisional psychologist lets me invest back into a place I am proud to call home.

You can book a free 20-minute call to get to know Jessa here:

Book A Free Consultation

Chipo Bvindi

Photo by Canva

Hello there!

I am a registered social worker with a Bachelor of Social Work with a major in psychology from the university of the Western Cape, and a Master’s in Clinical Social Work specialization with individuals, families, and groups from the University of Calgary.

In my practice, I note the different intersectionalites that come into play, and I have adapted myself to understanding the effects thereof. I pride myself in working from a holistic and integrative approach using trauma-informed, anti-oppressive, and intersectional lenses in rendering services.

I am grounded by embracing my full humanness-being imperfectly perfect. My faith, family and friendships carry me through life and its happenings. I find being in nature very healing and so is savouring moments. When not working, I love to engage in some fitness, going on walks, journaling, catching up on Korean series, city adventures and reading for pleasure. I also believe in allowing my inner child come out sometimes through art, dancing, building sand castles you name it.

You can book a free 20-minute call to get to know Chipo here:

Book A Free Consultation

 

In Conclusion

In summary, there are several factors to consider when looking at teen therapy as a resource for your stressed out teen. To gauge how important reaching out to a therapist is, look at these four areas:

  1. Current supports
  2. Concurrent stressors
  3. How much the problem(s) is disrupting daily functioning
  4. Current coping strategies

 

Remember, consultations with our team are complimentary. Our primary goal as a team is to be a resource for your teen to discover themselves, build their confidence, and develop strategies that will create independence in the future.

You can get started with your free consultation HERE. We also have a complimentary Anxiety Toolkit for Parents Raising Teen Girls, which is a PDF with 10 different tools you can immediately begin implementing to help with stress. You can download your copy here:

FREE Anxiety Toolkit

4 Ways to Handle Teen Communication

Earlier this month my colleague here at Pyramid Psychology, shared 3 ways to respond to teen behaviours. (If you missed out on her blog, you can read it here: 3 Ways to Respond to Teen Behaviours). One of the things she reminds us of, is that you can’t read your teen’s mind – no matter how much you wish to! In fact, the teenage years may feel reminiscent of the terrible two’s when toddlers are pushing boundaries and “throwing tantrums.”

 

Photo by Canva

Here are four ways to navigate teen communication when challenging behaviours arise:

  1.     Approach the conversation when both parties are calm: Take a deep breath and keep an open mind. Remember: behaviour seeks to meet a need.

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  2.     Listen: Be curious about what’s going on for your teen. Allow them to speak without interruption. If they feel judged, criticized, or that something needs to be fixed, or corrected, defences go up and the conversation may shut down or explode. 
  3.     Validate their feelings: Although instinct is to solve their problem or minimise their concerns in hopes of helping them, use empathetic statements to show you understand, for example, “I’m sorry you’re going through this, “That sounds really tough,” “I can see you’re going through a lot right now, “wow, that sounds difficult.”

    Photo by Canva

     

     

  4.     Communicate boundaries: It’s important that when discussing boundaries, they’re clearly stated and an explanation is provided. The DEARMAN skill can be used to help communicate our needs and boundaries while maintaining a healthy relationship. Here is what the acronym stands for:  

Describe the current situation using the facts. Tell your teen what you’re responding to. 

Express your feelings about the situation. Don’t assume your teen can mind read! 

Assert yourself by asking for what you want. 

Reinforce by explaining the positive effects. Avoid blaming or insulting. 

Mindful to keep the focus on your goals and the present rather than past experiences. 

Appear confident and avoid being confrontational. 

Negotiate. Offer and ask for other solutions to the problem. It’s important to work together to have both individuals’ needs met. 

 

Knowing how to best respond in these tricky situations is incredibly helpful, however, the interactions that take place outside of them are important as well. These interactions offer opportunities to both connect and develop important emotion regulation skills. The Gottman Method proposes the idea of an “emotional piggy bank,” which every person has. When your teen is thanked, affirmed, or given time or affection, a “deposit” is made in their emotional piggy bank. However, a negative interaction like a demand, fight, or nagging, takes place, a “withdrawal is made from their emotional bank. The goal is to have more “deposits” or positive interactions than “withdrawals” or negative interactions/demands. You can learn more about this method on our blog: Emotional Bank Account: Your Relationship with Your Teen.

Photo by Canva

Regardless of which tools you choose to use, remember that communication is an ongoing process. You will have good days, and bad days. It is also important to provide your teen with outside resources to communicate with, particularly resources that are not emotionally attached to the outcome. Two of my colleagues are currently accepting new clients for 1:1 therapy. You can meet them here:

Jessa Tiemstra

Hi there! My name is Jessa.

I am a provisional psychologist working with teens, parents, and young adults in Calgary, Alberta. I am passionate about helping people become the best version of themselves and am truly honoured to work in this field.

When I am not working, I have a range of interests that keep me busy. I love animals and have a dog and a cat that both like a lot of attention (both tri-coloured and fluffy!) I also enjoy plants, being outside, cooking, baking, crafty activities, going for walks, and video games.

I love spending time with family and friends but am an introvert at heart so quieter nights at home are good too.

I have called Calgary home for most of my life and love living here. Being a provisional psychologist lets me invest back into a place I am proud to call home.

You can book a free 20-minute call to get to know Jessa here:

Book a free 20 min call 

Chipo Bvindi

Photo by Canva

Hello there!

I am a registered social worker with a Bachelor of Social Work with a major in psychology from the university of the Western Cape, and a Master’s in Clinical Social Work specialization with individuals, families, and groups from the University of Calgary.

In my practice, I note the different intersectionalites that come into play, and I have adapted myself to understanding the effects thereof. I pride myself in working from a holistic and integrative approach using trauma-informed, anti-oppressive, and intersectional lenses in rendering services.

I am grounded by embracing my full humanness-being imperfectly perfect. My faith, family and friendships carry me through life and its happenings. I find being in nature very healing and so is savouring moments. When not working, I love to engage in some fitness, going on walks, journaling, catching up on Korean series, city adventures and reading for pleasure. I also believe in allowing my inner child come out sometimes through art, dancing, building sand castles you name it.

You can book a free 20-minute call to get to know Chipo here:

Book a free 20 min call

 


 

Hi there! My name is Ally and I am a MA student therapist working with teens, parents, and young adults in Calgary, Alberta. I am passionate about helping others and one of the greatest honours of my life is being able to listen and hold space for other people’s stories. 

 When I am not working, I enjoy listening to music, spending time with family and friends, hiking, and indoor cycling. I love exploring new places with some of my favourites being Costa Rica, Nicaragua, Spain, Iceland, as well as Vancouver Island. 

 Calgary is home, but I will take any opportunity to travel!