31 Jan
For Parents, For Teens, Teen Joy

3 Ways to Help Your Teen Daughter Stop Perfectionist Thinking

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“I’m a perfectionist,” she said, breaking her gaze with me to look down at her feet, slightly turned inwards, careful not to crease her sneakers. The smile on her face suggested this was a kind of badge of honour, but the way her shoulders slumped forward as if rocks were stacked on either side, shared a different story, a kind of heavy burden. 

Teen perfectionists, driven by thoughts of meeting an ideal, whether it be an ideal grade, an ideal body image, an ideal way of being or performing, results in a constant “falling short” in the person’s eyes.

Fed by negative self-talk, unhealthy comparisons, and unrealistic  expectations teens who struggle with perfectionistic thinking tend to:

1.Get blocked from starting tasks, leading to things like procrastination or incomplete assignments, as they contemplate the right or perfect thing to say, do, or write

2.Put a disproportionate amount of time and energy on the tasks they are trying to accomplish and when they are not working on them, it is like a constant radio static in their brain reminding them that they should be.

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(Tackling the Perfectionism Monster is a great podcast to listen to on this topic).

**Tina imagines the way her body “ought” to look. Every day she spends hours looking at images of what she considers the ideal body type. She spends most of her day thinking about or planning around activities that will lead her to this “perfect” image. Even when she’s hanging out with friends or reading her book, her brain constantly tries to pull her into these thoughts and feelings. Perfectionism has Tina trapped in a cycle, pulling her away from much of the enjoyment of her life and consumes her with feelings of stress, guilt, and shame.

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**Evelyn calls herself a procrastinator and most of the time manages to get her assignments in but often right at the deadline or after her mom asks her teachers for an extension. Lately her English assignments have been piling up. Every time Evelyn opens her laptop, she stares blankly at the page, her brain arguing with itself between putting something down and shooting the idea down before her fingers can start typing. The white page stares back at her, a reminder that if her ideas aren’t great enough, she may as well put nothing at all. 

 3 Ways to Help Your Daughter Break Free from Perfectionism

Teen Perfectionism Tip #1: Swing and A Miss

In order to learn how to walk as infants, we needed to start by getting our body to move in different ways, working our way up to standing, and eventually finding our balance to take small steps. No one expected us to start off knowing how to master this skill. Learning any skill requires practice in order to improve. When teens are stuck in perfectionistic thinking, it can paralyze any attempt to get started on tasks, believing that if they don’t get it right the first time, it’s not worth the risk. Helping your daughter recognize that learning happens through successive approximation, by reinforcing behaviours that resemble the desired behaviour. In other words, whenever your teen takes an action that gets them moving in the direction of what they are trying to achieve, and that action is somehow being reinforced (e.g. your teen seeing improvement, a good grade, praise, words on the page, etc.), the more likely they are to keep taking action. If your teen struggles to get started on a writing assignment, encourage them to start by copying a nursery rhyme or a favourite quote a couple of times on the page. They can delete it afterwards, but by starting there and seeing that there is something on the page, it can help them build momentum to continue writing. 

 

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 Teen Perfectionism Tip #2: OWN

This one comes from The Wellness Project with Des podcast episode, “Overcoming Perfectionism With Sarah Herd. The acronym OWN stands for Only What’s Necessary- this is great for teens who struggle with constantly putting most of their focus and energy into specific accomplishments they desire. Helping your teen step back and think about what’s most important to them and what fills their wellness cup is a good place to start. Once they are aware of what matters most to them, they can map out where the majority of their time and energy is spent throughout the week and see if they line up. If perfectionism is a factor, chances are this will be out of sync. The OWN acronym encourages teens to take a look at what would be absolutely necessary in accomplishing a task and letting go of some of that extra to free up time for more things they truly enjoy. 

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Teen Perfectionism Tip #3: Failing for perfection 

Perfection is a trap. Having something be absolutely free of defects, flaws, and imperfections is completely unrealistic. The more your teen can learn to accept failure and mistakes as part of being human, the sooner they can begin to let go of this idea of perfection. This isn’t to say your daughter can’t have goals she is striving for. Nor, that she is doomed to a life of endless failure. Sometimes this means as parents, needing to step back in some places to allow for failure. This can be a frightening prospect, where your parents’ imagination might go to the worst case scenario of mistakes and failures that are irreparable and life altering. 

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Shifting to see most failures and mistakes as opportunities to build your teen’s resilience by teaching them things like changing the script on their self-talk and failing forward, learning from their mistakes, can really help your teen start to step away from perfectionistic thinking.    

Perfectionism can be really tricky and tied to your daughter’s beliefs about her self-worth. The Happiness Pill Program is a 4-month coaching program designed to help your daughter build her confidence, develop healthy and meaningful connections, and learn to get in the driver’s seat of her emotions. If this sounds like the answer you’ve been looking for, please email us at info@pyramidpsychology.com to find out more about our Happiness Pill Teen Life Coaching Program. Our next intake is March, 2022.

**Please note: the people referred to in this blog are a composite of various stories I’ve heard throughout the years and do not represent one specific person.

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

17 Jan
Emotions, For Parents, For Teens, Teen Joy

Building Teen Grit & Motivation

Our team here Pyramid Psychology has noticed an increase in the teens and parents we work with struggling with Teen Grit & Motivation – so we are covering it on our socials, blogs, and live videos for all of January!

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There is a lot of overlap between teen grit and motivation, with both concepts referring to a complex process that starts and maintains goal-oriented actions. Despite the similarities, there are noteworthy differences: 

Motivation – can come from internal or external sources, be directed at small or large goals. It is also more likely to fluctuate. 

Grit – refers to the perseverance and passion to achieve long-term goals. In this context, passion does not necessarily mean being swept up in strong emotions but rather knowing what is meaningful to you – the spark that provides a sense of purpose.

Think of motivation as the daily weather, and grit is the climate.

Daily motivation is something you can handle on the spot, with the various tools and resources out there,  including our blog article: 5 Ways to Increase Teen Motivation https://pyramidpsychology.com/teen-motivation-5-ways-to-increase-teen-motivation/ .

To ensure the overall is going well, regular check-ins and support from external sources can be really helpful for your teen – therapy is one way to get this support. You can meet our team, and book a free 20-minute consultation HERE.

Angela Duckworth is a leading psychologist in grit, and defines it in the following quote:

“Grit is passion and perseverance for long-term goals. 

One way to think about grit is to consider what grit isn’t. 

Grit isn’t talent. Grit isn’t luck. Grit isn’t how intensely, for the moment, you want something. 

Instead, grit is about having what some researchers call an “ultimate concern”–a goal you care about so much that it organizes and gives meaning to almost everything you do. And grit is holding steadfast to that goal. Even when you fall down. Even when you screw up. Even when progress toward that goal is halting or slow. 

Talent and luck matter to success. But talent and luck are no guarantee of grit. And in the very long run, I think grit may matter at least as much, if not more.” 

In other words, grit takes your teen’s values into consideration – what matters so much to them in this life that they are willing to stick to it even when things get tough? What is it that gives them a sense of purpose and meaning?

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(Values can be hard to identify. If you would like to know more check out this values list (List of Values – Steve Pavlina) or consider booking a session with one of the Psychologists on our team HERE.

Because grit is based on your teen’s values, it is less swayed by factors like feelings or setbacks. Instead, it is an ongoing process of choices to make moves (no matter how small!) toward the life they want to live.

Grit is a complex, long-term process that is made up of countless small decisions.

While some teens may be naturally “grittier”, grit is a quality that can also be cultivated.

Here are some questions your teen can ask themselves, if grit is something they want to cultivate more of in their life:

Cultivating Teen Grit: What do they want the most for their life?

Have your teen take some time to be intentional and reflect on this question, whether that be through journaling, meditation, discussion, or paying attention to their own thoughts. You can join them, too!

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Cultivating Teen Grit: What is a small, next step that you can take to reach your long-term goal or end state?

It can be easy to get lost in questions of where to start or how to achieve a large goal – think of ONE small thing you can do today, instead of looking at your whole to-do list.

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Cultivating Teen Grit: What is your inner voice telling you?

Is it a helpful, hopeful voice, or a negative, judgmental one? If you’re struggling with your thoughts, our blog on Thought Distortions HERE has some helpful ways to re-energize your thinking.

Cultivating Teen Grit: How do you view failure?

A quote by Denis Waitley says:

“Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.”

One last thing I’ll share is a question for YOU to ponder as a parent – “what can I do to model motivation for my teen?”

Lack of motivation, if it goes on too long, can often express itself as anxiety or depression. With our FREE Anxiety Toolkit for Parents Raising Teen Girls, you will receive 10 tools you can begin implementing TODAY to support your teen through this. Download your free copy here:

Tool Kit

I am always a call away as an external resource for your teen – gaining a new perspective with someone on the outside can go a long way to building a life of grit and success for your teen. You can book a free 20-minute consultation with me here:

Book a Free 20 Minute Consultation with Jessa

Email us with any questions, any time: info@pyramidpsychology.com

Love,

Jessa

 

Jessa

Jessa is a provisional psychologist living and servicing teens and young adults in Calgary, Alberta.

Jessa is passionate about helping people become the best version of themselves and is continually learning how to best support her clients. She has experience with acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) and cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), but most importantly she emphasizes the therapeutic relationship.

A safe, authentic relationship is key for therapy to work. Jessa prioritizes compassion and nonjudgmental curiosity. Together, she can find out what matters most to you and how to get there.

If you think Jessa may be a good match for you, please feel free to reach out and set up a free consult or book a session. She is looking forward to hearing from you!

Once a month, she writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents, teens and young adults she connects with. If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

10 Jan
For Parents, For Teens, Teen Joy

5 Ways to Increase Teen Motivation

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Teen motivation has been fragile over the last couple of years – for parents, too! Many of the teens I work with share that they are struggling finding teen motivation for day to day things – cooking, cleaning, assignments, getting out of bed, etc. Even finding the motivation for the things they want to do is difficult.

This is a big part of why I developed my signature 4-month coaching program for you and your teens – The Happiness Pill Program. Your teen will receive several 1:1 coaching sessions with me, as well as weekly group sessions with other teens who are also feeling a lack of motivation. For you, there are parent office hours to connect and ask questions while we work together to guide your teen to their best life.

Before the program is even complete, you will begin feeling like a weight has been lifted – your teen will be finding tools for motivation and getting back to their old selves. You will feel empowered to walk alongside them. You can find the details here:

The Happiness Pill Program

 

For, understanding why your teen is feeling unmotivated can be a helpful starting point. 

Here are the top five reasons teens share with me for struggling with motivation:

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Lack of Teen Motivation Cause #1: Stress

Stress is the #1 thing that zaps motivation – and there certainly hasn’t been a shortage in the last couple of years! When your teen feels stressed, or overwhelmed, like they have too many things to do, it depletes their motivation.

The more stressors your teen has to manage, the more it zaps their motivation. It is something that needs to constantly be managed right now.

Lack of Teen Motivation Cause #2: Lack of Desire

Whether or not your teen ‘should’ complete a task or activity is a different question than their desire to do so. If your teen doesn’t like the task/activity at hand, or isn’t seeing the benefits of doing it, motivation can easily be zapped.

Chores and school assignments are two common areas that come to mind. Especially right now, with all the changes in school throughout Covid – things have been delayed, changed, and even cancelled. The mentality of ‘what’s the point’ tends to set in in situations like this.

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Lack of Teen Motivation Cause #3: Big Picture

As parents it’s helpful to recognize that teens have an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex, which is the area of the brain that’s responsible for reasoning, thinking things through, and problem-solving. It is in charge of how your teen evaluates things; their higher thinking structures to figure things out.

Your teen has the ability to problem solve, judge, and rationalize – of course – but these skills are still under construction. This makes seeing the big picture/long-term benefits harder for your teen to consider, in comparison to instant gratification. When a project is due next week but your teen has been invited to hang out with friends, for example: Your teen may not be thinking long-term – seeing that they will likely feel high pressure and stress with completing the assignment last minute. The short-term instant gratification of hanging out with friends right now is a much bigger push for motivation.

While your teen’s frontal cortex is still developing, their limbic system – emotional centre – is highly developed and is often in charge.

This can happen in many other areas as well, including chores at home 😉 Your teen won’t be thinking about the nagging from you later, if they don’t complete the chore. They would rather get instant gratification now – finishing their video game, being with friends, etc.

Lack of Teen Motivation Cause #4: Instant Gratification

With your teens limbic (emotional) system being in charge, they are driven by pleasure; the rewards circuit in their brain. Their brain will respond a lot quicker to things that feel good in the moment, than things that are long term in nature. The instant gratification of watching a few more TikTok videos, as opposed to getting off and going on their bike, or hanging out with their family, will usually win over. This is especially true if your teen is already feeling a lack of motivation.

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Lack of Teen Motivation Cause #5: Externally vs Internally Driven

If a parent, teacher, etc. is telling your teen to do something, oftentimes it isn’t as motivating because it isn’t linking to an internal sense of reward or value to get the thing done. When I say ‘reward’ I mean pleasure from doing it, or seeing another value or benefit.

If you’re asking your teen to do something that also triggers an internal drive, it is likely to get done quicker.

Part of what I do with you and your teen in The Happiness Pill Program is create a roadmap of where your teen wants to go. Your teen is fully involved in creating the plan, so the steps we take to get there are intrinsic motivators. This is done on ‘Ready-Up Day’, a 1:1 session between you, your teen, and myself. You can book a free 20-minute consultation to discover if The Happiness Pill Program is the best way to motivate your teen and empower your parenting HERE.

The Happiness Pill Program

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Now that you can see some of the things that are zapping motivation for your teen – stress, overwhelm, lack of desire, trouble seeing the big picture, instant gratification, and externally driven tasks – it’s important to talk about how you can support your teen to feel more motivated.

Here are five ways you can help:

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Increasing Teen Motivation: Take A Break

In talking to a teen client recently, they shared that taking a step back from some of the stressors in their life was really helpful to get motivated again. The 24-hour rule is a good one – allow your teen to sleep on it, and then things will look different the next day.

Allowing your teen to take a break, or create some distance, gives them the opportunity to rest, reset, and re-energize. It can give them a new perspective for when they come back to the task, activity, goal, etc.

Increasing Teen Motivation: Evaluate the Goal

You can help your teen to check-in with themselves on why what they are trying to get done is important to them – a school assignment, meeting a health goal (working out, joining dance, etc.). You can guide your teen to ask ‘why did I want to start this in the first place?’ Getting back into the WHY behind it. Understanding the values and hopes behind a goal can bring the motivation back to life.

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Increasing Teen Motivation: Destress

With stress being the #1 zapper of motivation – and with no shortage of it right now – it’s important that your teen has opportunities to destress (and you too)! Think of people as having various internal batteries – physical, mental, social, etc. – that gauge how you’re doing. The more stress you have, the more those batteries are drained.

When your teen isn’t doing well – their mental battery is drained – it’s difficult to think clearly, make good judgements, or stay focused and concentrated. When the physical battery is drained they may be feeling tired, lethargic, etc.

Reducing stress in your teen’s life allows their batteries to recharge. It also allows them space to think about what it looks like when their batteries are fully charged and in the green zone. They may show up in a different way than they were before.

You can help your teen think about things that destress them. For some it could be spending time alone, connecting with a creative project, enjoying social interactions, increasing play/laughter, leisure activities (reading, watching movies), being outdoors, hanging with animals, etc.

It can be helpful for your teen to come up with a list of 5-6 things that they know help them to destress. Keep the list somewhere they can easily access, and make sure they are using the things on the list over and over again.

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Increasing Teen Motivation: Set Smaller Goals

Your teen can create small tasks to achieve, a short list, or try a daily challenge. The important thing here is to help your teen to create tasks that are small enough for your teen that they know they are going to achieve it. Creating small things your teen can cross off the list (or place a checkmark beside) triggers the motivation and reward circuit in the brain – the “I’ve done this AND gotten the reward” mentality.

A school assignment, for instance, can be broken down into smaller pieces, like reading 10 pages of chapter three in my social studies textbook. Wanting to take a dance class can be broken into smaller tasks – looking on the website at three dance organizations in my neighborhood is an achievable task to build your teens motivation/reward circuit.

Increasing Teen Motivation: Enjoy the Moment

When your teen is not feeling motivated – ruminating or thinking about past things, or getting stuck thinking about future orientated things in a stressful way (I have a lot to do, what if I can’t make it, etc.) Replaying past things. Not enjoying the moment can zap motivation in the moment. Take delight in what’s happening now. Invite your teen to grab a tea instead of going straight home to do homework, check out a really cool skyline with the mountains in the background. Taking a moment to enjoy what’s happening in the now and allowing that to be wonderful and joyful in the moment.

For further support helping your teen with lack of motivation, you can download our FREE Anxiety Toolkit for Parents Raising Teen Girls HERE – it includes 10 tools as well as several mini webinars delivered right to your inbox. These tools will give you control over what to do next, and take away the overwhelm.

And don’t forget that in just four months, you and your teen could be on the same page, feeling motivated to create your teen’s dream life with The Happiness Pill Program – it includes 1:1 coaching, group coaching, parent office hours, creating a roadmap together AND many online tools & resources. Find the whole list of what it entails here:

The Happiness Pill Program

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

03 Jan
Emotions, For Parents, For Teens, Teen Joy

Teen Motivation: Paying Attention to Teen Interests

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“I just don’t feel motivated”, is all too common a phrase, particularly for teens who have had their lives turned upside down over the last couple of years. At a time when school, friendships and social experiences are of utmost importance, teens have been required to navigate a lot of their life differently during the pandemic. 

Lack of teen motivation can be hard to navigate as a parent, particularly when you see it affecting your teen’s level of joy, or decreasing their desire for social interactions.

Here are two ways to inspire your teen to find their motivation:

Teen Motivation: Social issues

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Talking to your teen and asking questions about what matters to them can help them feel more connected. Whether it’s a social justice cause, an inequity they gripe about, or some issue they can talk about forever,  helping your teen hone in on what they are passionate about will drive their motivation. This will lead them to want to be around others who are also passionate about this issue. This feeds motivation to reach out to peers, making a difference, and seeking others with similar views, etc.

Teen Motivation: Collaborative List of Joy

Creating a collaborative list of things that brings each person in your family joy – including your teen,  can be a great way to motivate your teen to be involved in family activities.

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Work towards trying all the things on the list as a family.  Can you think of three things you would add to the list right now?

The Happiness Pill program is a 4-month coaching program designed to combat anxiety and depression, which are often the causes of lack of motivation for teens. Your teen daughter will join other teens struggling with the same issues, in weekly group coaching calls. She will also have 1:1 appointments with me, and an appointment with you there to ensure you’re both on the same page.

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Lastly, the program includes parent coaching sessions for you as well.

If you’re ready to take the weight off your shoulders and move into a life of joy with your teen daughter, book your free 20-minute consultation to get started:

Book Your Happiness Pill Consultation Now

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

27 Dec
Emotions, For Parents, For Teens, Teen Joy

Parenting Teens: A Word of Intention

As I navigate parenting teens, I am always reading to learn more. As I was reading the latest book by Michelle Borba, Thrivers, I was feeling full of hope by her message – ‘By nurturing 7 specific character strengths in our teens, we are practically guaranteed to get them from stressing to thriving’, I couldn’t wait to share this message with the parents of the amazing teen girls I support every day. Something happened as I kept reading. Those feelings of hope and excitement faded beneath a shadow of something else – Self-doubt? Overwhelm? Definitely annoyance. Shame… What was happening?

Well, there is so much information out there, really great stuff, ready and available at our fingertips to equip us to be the best possible parents. So much in fact, that it can quickly feel like too much, that we are constantly failing to keep up on the newest parenting standards. As I read the book, I was getting caught up in the parenting rat race thoughts of “I’m not doing enough”, “not good enough”, “there isn’t enough time, resources, knowledge to parent like this’ ‘, etc.

The role of parenting can be one of the most rewarding experiences. It can also be one that feels isolating; Am I the only whose teen…..?- Are others unsure about how to handle….? – and many parts of parenting seem to operate under a covert set of rules. It’s not an easy undertaking.

There was this meme going around at the height of the pandemic when most parents were at home and kids were attending classes online: It went something like – “My co-workers are the worst. They walk around half-naked, blast their music, and demand food from me”. I definitely cracked a smile and gave a good head nod in recognition of this common at home scenario. The thing is parenting is a non-stop role that keeps us onboard… Well, forever. So it’s a wonder to me how parenting, especially the behind the scenes of it, is not talked about with more acceptance, awareness, and love.

As you step into the new year – which really is an arbitrary time to select, but seems to be a socially accepted time to reset or start anew, why not highlight your intentions as a parent and to do so lovingly with awareness and acceptance.

Here are a few things to keep in mind:

Parenting Teens: Letting Go of Perfection

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There is just no such thing as perfection. When raising teens, it is more of an art than a science. There is definitely science behind a lot of what is happening in your teen’s brain and body that helps explain the behaviors you see – but when it comes to the manual on parenting – it doesn’t exist. You can watch this link for a short Netflix clip on the topic. The quicker you can let go of getting right all the time and company ring to other parents (guaranteed to bring about bad feelings!), the quicker you can step into being a more present parent. Challenge yourself to drop the struggle with perfection. It will create more empathy in your parent-teen relationship (the ‘me’ to ‘we’ concept). It also releases the pressure valve on stress for both you and your teen.

Parenting Teens: Intention

Intentional, thoughtful parenting is more aware. You question why you do what you do. You stop and think before jumping on the bandwagon of the latest parenting trend or keep doing what you’re doing just because that’s the way it’s always been done. Yes, it requires a little more effort to show up in this way. Yes, it can be so tempting to just hang out at

Photo by Jhon David on Unsplash

cruising altitude. Everyone wins when we parent with intention. Values guide parenting with intention. What matters most to you, becomes your North star. You’ll know when you’re aligned because you’ll feel more solid, certain, and frankly that things are easier (easier, but not perfect).

Parenting Teens: Action

In many ways I’m the master of getting pumped up to try something new and then fizzling out after a few weeks. When it comes to putting your parenting intentions into action, it is crucial to walk the walk, and keep walking the walk, until it becomes almost second nature. Modeling by way of what you say, what you do, and sharing about the values that matters most to you.

I see you amazing parents who love your teens dearly and just want them to be happy. Here’s to 2022 being a year of loving intentions that nurture not only your teen, but you who are doing your very best.

Love,
Chantal

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

20 Dec
Emotions, For Parents, For Teens, Teen Joy

Teen Disconnection: How to Stop Feeling Empty

A few weeks ago, a teen was telling me that when she feels stressed, she just grinds through the situation. Afterwards, she notices feeling so disconnected from the experience; empty. She laughed and said, “it’s fine when it’s getting school work done or something, but it really sucks when I want to enjoy spending time with my friends and stuff like that”.

We all have events, situations and even times of the year that can send us into full on automatic pilot – going through the motions from thing to thing. Then, before we know it, the moment has passed and we feel empty and disconnected. 

 

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In my own life, I remember getting ready for my kids’ birthday parties when they were younger. We loved inviting as many people as possible and having big gatherings with kids running around, laughing, and having the best time. The first couple times I did this, I remember getting into checklist mode, getting things done in a rather robotic manner. If people asked how I was doing, the answer was always a simple “good”. As soon as the party was done, I would want to collapse to take the biggest snooze and I felt kinda numb.

Over the years, I’ve changed and started to allow myself to pause, check-in, and be curious about my experiences in times like these.

Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I still need to buckle down and get sh$t done! But checking-in and pausing has been such a significant shift. The more I practice this, the more I’m able to accept whatever shows up – whatever I’m feeling – and fully enjoy how my experiences feel.

Back to the teen I was talking to – she decided to challenge herself to regularly check-in on her inner experience using the techniques I will share with you down below. Here’s what’s incredible – she came back saying she still had some tough experiences where she was stressed – but she felt more in control. She knew what to do with that stress and could choose how to help herself. She also shared about having some really great hangouts with friends. 

Over these next few weeks, while you (hopefully) have a break from your regular routine over the holidays, challenge yourself to do a little stop, pause and check-in on some of your experiences.

Checking in is great to do before something that you find stressful, when you’re feeling confused or unsure about how you’re feeling, or at the beginning or end of your day… It can help set the intention of your day or help you wind down.

Here are 3 techniques you can use to check-in and decrease teen disconnection:

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An Exercise to Decrease Teen Disconnection: STOP

Take a moment to check-in with this simple practice. You can use the STOP acronym anytime, anywhere.

  • S – Stop. Nothing more to do here – you can keep this simple! Or, you can also be a little playful with this by imagining a stop sign in front of you or the word STOP in fun neon letters dancing around… Or maybe your inner voice yelling STOP
  •  T – Take a breath. No need to change your breathing here. Simply take a breath, in and out!

  • O – Observe what is happening. Take a minute to observe what is happening for you – check your inner experience, your thoughts, feelings, any sensations in your body. You can also check in on what you’re seeing, feeling, hearing, smelling, tasting.

  • P – Proceed with Intention.  Here’s a chance to respond thoughtfully and proceed with awareness.

Here is an example of a time you can use this technique to decrease teen disconnection:

You’re getting frustrated about a school assignment that’s due tomorrow.

S – STOP

T – Take a breath

O – I’m feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. My jaw is clenched. I have a headache and it’s hard to concentrate. It’s due tomorrow and I’m stressed about being behind.

P – I’m going to get up and grab a glass of water and take a few minutes to stop looking at my screen. I’ll get back to it with fresh eyes. 

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An Exercise to Decrease Teen Disconnection: SIFT

This exercise comes out of the work of Daniel Siegel and is part of what he calls mindsight – the ability to look inwards and understand our inner experiences. Imagine kind of sifting through your mind and seeing what shows up in that moment. It’s different every time!

  • S – Sensations. List any sensations that you are noticing from head to toe or toe to head. Be curious with your list; no judgement.

  • I – Images. List any images that are dropping in for you. They may be stills like a photo or motion pictures like a movie. Or you could see colours, shapes, symbols, words… You might not notice any images at all! There is no right or wrong here, each person is different. 
  • F – Feelings. List any emotions you are experiencing right now – again, with curiosity and no judgement. You may notice one dominant emotion, or many mixed emotions. There could be a lack of emotions too. Everything is welcome!

  • T – Thoughts. List any thoughts that show up in your mind. What is your brain thinking? You may notice repetitive thoughts, questions, random thoughts, etc. Anything goes!

Here is an example of SIFT in action:

You’re hanging out with your friends.

S – my cheeks and mouth are smiling. My chest is kind of warm – happy. 

I – not much. Seeing my friend’s face laughing.

F – feeling happy. Excited. Loved

T – this is fun. I’m just enjoying the moment. 

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You can watch a video on this technique here.

An Exercise to Decrease Teen Disconnection: RAIN

This practice can be used to help you set an intention before you start something. It can also be a good practice to do when you are feeling stressed and anxious. I share the short version of this technique below. You can read about it in more detail here.

  • R – Recognize what’s going on. Take a moment to notice what is happening – how you are feeling, what thoughts you are experiencing, what the challenge is.

  • A – Allow the experience to be just as it is. Instead of trying to solve it, ignore it, or push it away, see if you can give yourself permission to just allow it to be what it is for a moment.

  • I – Investigate with kindness. Take some time to be curious about your experience – your beliefs about what’s happening, your inner experience, noticing what is calling your attention the most, etc.

  • N – Nurture with Loving Awareness. This is where you respond with loving kindness. You offer yourself self-compassion. You are aware of your experience lovingly. 

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Here is an example of a time you could use the RAIN technique:

You are feeling really anxious and overwhelmed. 

R – I’m feeling anxious. I don’t want to go to school. I just want to lie in bed.

A – I’m anxious and that is ok. I can allow it to be what it is right now. It’s not right or wrong- there is nothing wrong or broken about me. 

I – My heart is beating fast. My throat is tight. I think there’s something wrong with me a lot. I’m telling myself it’s ok and it will pass. 

N – Others feel this way sometimes. I’m noticing my anxiety and I’m ok – I am going to be ok. I can try putting my hand on my heart for a second and breathe.

If you’d like hands on support to implement presence in your life and decrease the feelings of teen disconnection, check out The Happiness Pill program – my signature coaching program for teens like you!

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You can learn about the science behind mindfulness and get even more tools with my article Mindfulness for Teens: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly!

Here’s to practicing some of these and discovering your incredible resilience and enjoying the good moments so much more. 

Love,

Chantal 

 

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

13 Dec
For Parents, For Teens, Relationships, Teen Joy

Holiday Stress & Presence for Families

It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

 … Except that it is also a time that comes with a long list of things to do: presents to buy, recipes to perfect, family relationships and social commitments to navigate, creating a welcoming and festive home, and covid considerations as well. Even writing this list I am reminding myself of all the things I have yet to do before Christmas arrives!

I don’t know about you, but for myself, these high expectations and competing demands can cause stress. This stress comes from originally setting good intentions for the holiday season to be full of warmth, meaningful connections, and elevated spirits. However, things can get warped when you lose sight of what you find truly important.

Ironically, becoming stressed is completely counterproductive to these original intentions of presence and connection.

 

Photo by Canva

With this in mind, here are five points of reflection for you and your family this holiday season:

1. Mindfulness Over the Holidays: Determine Your Priorities

What is important to you this holiday season? Recognizing the key points of the holiday can shift your focus away from things on your to-do list that aren’t a priority.

Here are some priorities that come to my mind or have been shared from clients:

  • Spending time with family and loved ones is more important than the setting.
  • Gift giving is a form of love during the holidays.
  • Hosting a family dinner and perfecting a new recipe is a source of holiday joy.
  • Slowing down for self-care is important over the holidays.
  • The holidays are a time to try new things and go on an adventure!

Whatever your priority is this season, know what it is for yourself and focus on that the most.

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2. Mindfulness Over the Holidays: Set Boundaries

Setting self-care boundaries is essential, especially during a busy season like Christmas where there are numerous events, opportunities, and expectations.

Take a moment to check in with yourself to make informed decisions about what is best for you and your loved ones. If you are “running on empty” and finding yourself stressed, tired, or easily frustrated, maybe the best choice is to sit one of the social engagements out and spend some time “filling up your tank”.

Think of a few strategies that work best for you when you are feeling stressed, whether that be time with others, time alone, a specific activity, exercise, etc. Whatever destressing looks like for you, go for it!

It can also be helpful to have a discussion around holiday expectations and preventing stress with your family.

 

Photo by istock

3. Mindfulness Over the Holidays: Watch Your Thoughts

Thoughts can be tricky and can easily affect your feelings and behaviours if you are not mindful of them.

Some thoughts I’ve heard come up over the holidays that won’t necessarily serve you include: thinking that the house needs to be spotless, food needs to be extravagant, every social event must be attended, or that every loved one should get an individualized, thoughtful gift so they know how much they are love, etc. These are thoughts that can cause stress for the whole family over the holidays!

Notice the word choice in these statements – needs, must, should, every, everyone – words like these lead to black-and-white thinking and can place a lot of pressure on a person. 

While none of these are bad things to want, you can change your thought process by altering your statements around these words. Some examples: “it would be nice if…” or, “I will try my best, but what I really value here is connection over cleanliness”.

This small shift can do wonders in reducing the stress experienced from high expectations.

Your teen daughter can learn how to shift her thoughts in presence, too. Our team has written a blog article on it for your pleasure here.

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4. Mindfulness Over the Holidays: Be Open to Different Ways of Doing Things

Just because something has always been a certain way does not mean it needs to continue to be that way.

If there are aspects of the holiday season that are causing you stress, consider other ways of doing things. Maybe that looks like a gift exchange or going to an event instead of buying gifts for each family member. Perhaps it looks like a potluck or ordering in instead of one or two people feeling pressure to host a big meal.

The sky is the limit!!

Better yet – what ideas do your kids or partner have for changing the routine? What a great family discussion!

 

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5. Mindfulness Over the Holidays: Be Present

Once you know your priorities, have healthy boundaries, and are intentional with the time you do have, it becomes easier to be present in whatever relationship or activity you are engaged in.

Worrying about whether or not everything will be perfect on Christmas day or meet everyone’s expectations will not have a significant impact on the outcome and will only drain your energy.

Let tomorrow worry about itself and try to find those silver linings in the moment.

 If you have a teen that struggles with anxiety over the holidays (perhaps perfectionism) and/or depression, you can download our free Anxiety Toolkit for Parents Raising Teens. It comes with 10 tools you can immediately begin implementing for your family this holiday season, as well as a series of mini webinars.

Our gift to you!

 

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And don’t forget that it is OK to need some extra support, at any time of the year. I offer therapy for teens and young adults, creating lifelong strategies to get through anxious times. You can find my availability and booking link here:

 

Book an Appointment

From all of us here at Pyramid Psychology, we wish you a happy holiday season!

Email us with any questions, any time: info@pyramidpsychology.com

Love,

Jessa

 

Jessa

Jessa is a provisional psychologist living and servicing teens and young adults in Calgary, Alberta.

Jessa is passionate about helping people become the best version of themselves and is continually learning how to best support her clients. She has experience with acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) and cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), but most importantly she emphasizes the therapeutic relationship.

A safe, authentic relationship is key for therapy to work. Jessa prioritizes compassion and nonjudgmental curiosity. Together, she can find out what matters most to you and how to get there.

If you think Jessa may be a good match for you, please feel free to reach out and set up a free consult or book a session. She is looking forward to hearing from you!

Once a month, she writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents, teens and young adults she connects with. If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

06 Dec
Emotions, For Parents, For Teens, Teen Joy

Mindfulness for Teens: The Good, the Bad, the Ugly!

Mindfulness for Teens

She glided on the ice, one blade slicing down and then the other. The cold air brushing against her face as she picks up speed, her body swaying from side to side in a balanced motion. It feels effortless, the puck like a magnet drawn to her stick and she pushes and pulls it back and forth heading towards the net. Perfectly lined up, she leans in for the shot – this the only thing in sight, the only thing in her mind. 

Have you ever been in the moment of something you enjoyed so much – something that you were passionate about? 

There’s nothing quite like it – there’s no thinking about the things you said or did that day. There’s no getting lost in a daydream (or nightmare) about future scenarios. It is quite simply being and experiencing that very moment. 

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These moments, they come and go and sometimes can feel few and far between. Instead your life is filled with rumination of past scenarios, playing them back in your head over and over again with the ‘shoulds’ and ‘coulds’ of how it might have played out instead. Or perhaps you spend most of your time worrying and wondering about things that haven’t even happened yet, self-doubt enters here in the ‘what ifs’ of another time in the future, even 20 minutes from now. 

Being present can be this elusive, sneaky thing that you seldom experience. When you do, you know it, you might even love it. So let’s look into how the brain becomes present, why it does this, and how it can help you overcome anxiety and depression. 

Mindfulness for Teens: What’s Going on in the Brain

Let’s take a moment to talk about brain science. The brain has 4 different attentional networks, it is pretty amazing. I’m going to focus on one in this article, but if you want to learn more about this – you can always check out this article and this video.

The attentional network that I want to share about is called the Default Mode Network (DMN). It is activated when your brain is thinking about past and future things. It is the part of the brain that is activated in daydreaming and imagining what someone else is experiencing, which can be linked to creativity and empathy. It is also activated when you get caught in thought loops and rumination, which is often linked to anxiety and depression. So really, it is not good nor bad. But we are discovering that when our DMN is overly active it is harder to stay present to what is happening now in your world making it harder to stay on task, set goals and get stuff done. An overly active DMN is also linked to anxiety, depression and other mood related disorders.

So the DMN is a great network to have in the brain because without it, we wouldn’t have a lot of new ideas or feel a lot of empathy for others. 

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The more you activate your other attentional networks, which help you pay attention to your experience going on around you, the more you have a real time evaluation of what you are experiencing in your body and mind which helps you to become a stealthy responder.  

Being Mindful for Teens

Remember that the DMN leads to thought loops and rumination- getting caught in thoughts that don’t always serve you the best. Here are some more common ones: 

  • I don’t deserve to be happy

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  • I always mess it up
  • I’m not good enough
  • People end up leaving me
  • People can’t be trusted
  • I’m a bad person
  • I am damaged- there is something wrong with me
  • I don’t belong
  • I am a failure
  • The world is unsafe
  • It’s not ok to feel my feelings
  • I have to be perfect

 There are many more – and as you might notice, they all have something in common. They make you feel pretty crummy if you believe them to be true. When you switch to being present to what’s going on around you, you shut the DMN off for some time and give yourself a different perspective- a different experience. You become aware and present. 

You can notice your inner world experience which includes, your bodily awareness (sensations in the body), your feelings, your thoughts, AND you become aware of your external world – what is surrounding you and how you experience it with your senses (what you see, hear, feel, taste, touch, and smell).  

Henrik Edberg writes about 7 awesome reasons to be present here. In his article he talks about how being present helps improve social skills, creativity, and reduces anxiety. If these don’t sound like pretty good reasons to bring more presence into your life, how about increasing your happiness and reducing stress?

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Mindfulness for Teens – Not all Butterflies and Unicorns

I think it’s important to write about the fact that being more present in your life isn’t a guaranteed happiness fix. Just because you are present to what you’re experiencing doesn’t mean you no longer feel sad, angry, or bored. What Willa Blythe Baker shares in the 10% happier podcast is that being present can change your relationship with your feelings, in particular the ones that you tend to find difficult to experience. 

Ok, so imagine you are scared of spiders (I don’t really have to imagine this one). Anytime you think of a spider or if a spider is near you, you get this pretty intense reaction. For me, it’s like a constant shiver down my spine and I feel super jittery and nervous. I want the spider gone- out of sight. Sometimes, we have the same opinion about some of our feelings- we just want them to go away and never come back. The thing that presence can teach you, is that feelings (ALL feelings) are a part of being human and they aren’t really like villain vs. hero feelings- they are inner experiences giving us information. Kind of like data being fed to a computer to respond. 

So, in becoming more present- instead of anger being an intense hurricane of fiery eyed rage, it may be more of a discomfort letting you know you are not ok with something that just happened, calling you to notice and respond. Instead of sadness taking you into the black hole of despair and hopelessness, it may be more of a suffering letting you know you need more connection.  

Being present may mean sometimes you start to focus on your experience, and what is there is not warm and fuzzy. It can be helpful to keep in mind that everything we experience is temporary so even if what you notice is uncomfortable or challenges you, know that it will not be there forever.

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Mindfulness for Teens – 10 Practical Ways to Apply it in Your Life

Are you ready to shrink anxiety and depression from your life? Here are ten ways you can start being more present- Start by picking 1 and try it out everyday for a week. Notice what it’s like for you – how easy-medium-hard it is – what you like or dislike and anything else you become aware of. 

  1. Tune into your senses – Your senses are what you see, feel, hear, smell, and taste. Take a moment to check-in with your senses. You can try noticing 3 things you see, 3 things you hear, and 3 things feel. Or you can 54321- 5 things you see, 4 things you feel, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell, and 1 thing you can taste right now. 

  2. Observe your thoughts – Like watching your thoughts float past you on clouds or on leaves in a river, allow yourself to be curious as you watch them come up and float away. Try doing this for 1 minute. If your mind wanders away with your thoughts (which it usually does)- as soon as you notice, gently remind yourself to get back to watching them float by.
  3. Notice your breathing – Without changing the rhythm of your breathing, see if you can bring your attention to your breath in and your breath out. You can try Imagining that your breath is coming in and out from your heart centre and repeat for 9 breaths. You can also try placing a hand on your chest and one on your stomach and just notice as you breathe, the natural movement of your chest and stomach. Try this one for 1 minute.

  4. Try Meditation –  Meditation can be a great way to become aware of your present moment. There are many guided meditation options available. You can try getting started with Insight Timer or Headspace or even find your own. If you have never meditated before, I recommend starting with something nice and short.

    Photo by Canva

  5. Make art – Making, building, baking, creating- brings you into the present moment. Pick up your art supplies and go to town.

  6. Check out where you are – Literally ask yourself where parts of your body are as a way of getting oriented to where you are in the space. You might be surprised that where you locate yourself is not quite how you imagined. “Where is my left big toe?” and as you do that your attention and awareness will find its way to your left big toe. “Where is my left elbow?” and see if you can allow your awareness to go there. Try finding where your- right index finger, your left calf muscle, your right ear, your left thumb, your right eye and your left eye are.

  7. Have a conversation with someone with no distractions – this is an invitation to put down your phone and all other things that may distract you and to have a conversation with someone. You may try listening without planning your response, knowing that you don’t need to know the right reply, maybe even let go of the idea that there is such a thing as a right reply.
     
  8. Do something with intention – Choose an activity that you can do for 10 minutes or so. As you begin, see if you can be intentional and thoughtful through the process. If you choose to colour for example, think about where you’d like to colour, what surface would be best, what image you would like to colour, what type of colouring tools you will use. As you sit and begin, see if you can remain thoughtful by being aware of the pressure you are applying to the paper, what the crayon feels like, what the colours look like on the paper, etc
    . 
  9. Try GLAD – Name 1 thing you are grateful for today, 1 thing you learned today, 1 thing you accomplished today, and 1 thing that delighted you today.

  10. Celebrate the small delights – Maybe your hair is falling just right or you got to have a hot chocolate today or your friend messaged you something that made you laugh. This is about noticing and celebrating those delightful little moments throughout the day that can so quickly go unseen when we aren’t paying attention.

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Bringing mindfulness and presence into your life as a teen will set you up for happiness long term. This is one of the many skills we build on the roadmap to what YOU consider your best life. You and your parents can begin navigating your journey through mindfulness, on your way to happiness for life, with my signature coaching program: The Happiness Pill Program.

Love,

Chantal

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

29 Nov
Emotions, For Parents, For Teens, Teen Joy

Supporting Your Teen with Anxiety: Parenting with Presence

Is parenting with presence something you intentionally think about?

As we drove back home from hockey, me thinking of all the things I had to do when I got home and running through my next day’s schedule, I glanced over and looked at my teen as he scrolled his phone. It hit me how unavailable I was at times, totally caught up in my own world. The more I thought about it, I realized I want him to know that I’m here and present for him – not just for the good mom points (joking!..kind of), but for him to know that he matters and to set the stage for future generations – so that he also will treat others like they matter.

Photo by Canva

There’s a lot to tend to as a parent. You’re probably managing multiple schedule –  your personal one, your family’s, your work, other commitments with friends and community, etc. There’s a lot going on and it can seem daunting to think of being fully present with your teen in the midst of all of this.

However, knowing how to activate presence in your parenting will help your teen (and you) build their confidence and resilience to handle the ups and down of life. Change can be difficult and kind of scary, so I’ve picked some of my favourite ideas to get you started. 

First off, what is parenting with presence?

Parenting with presence is about connecting to the human experience of parenting. It’s imperfect, has moments of awe and amazement, can be raw and emotional at times, and it’s all around transformational experience. 

 

What parenting with presence is NOT: 

  • Getting it right all the time
  • Being perfect
  • Dropping everything for your teen
  • Never getting upset or your feathers ruffled
  • Your teen always being happy

    Photo by Canva

Parenting with presence is MORE LIKE: 

  •  Being aware of your own inner experience (feelings, thoughts, etc.)
  • Responding instead of Reacting more and more
  • Accessing your calmness as a superpower
  • Raising confident, caring, resilient adults
  • Consciously letting go of old patterns that are not working
  • Showing yourself and your teen some compassion

photo by Canva

 

Think about your big toe – or if not, your left pinkie finger. See if you can pay attention to it for a few moments. Notice it’s presence with curiosity, what it feels like, the weight of it, any sensations. You can even move it around a bit and see what that’s like.

Photo by Readers Digest

Ok, silly experiment over!

Were you able to bring your attention to your big toe or your pinkie for a few moments? The rest of your body was still there, but you were able to bring your awareness to that one body part and notice it specifically. When you choose to be present to something, someone, your own inner experience, it puts you in the driver’s seat and allows for an awareness of things that are often overlooked or on autopilot. Being in the driver’s seat is a place where you can make choices, you can respond, and you can step on the brakes or foot on the gas consciously.

Parenting with presence is kind of like that! Everything else is still there, but you’re in the driver’s seat consciously stepping on the gas – or the brakes – when it comes to your teen.  

Susan Stiffelman, author of  “‘Parenting with Presence: Practices for Raising Conscious, Confident, Caring Kids, does a real deep dive into what this concept means. You can check out her conversation with Jason Gardner here.

How can parenting with presence help my teen become more resilient or reduce their anxiety?

When you go into a conversation with your teen gun blazing with frustration or annoyance what happens? (Even if yes, you have had to remind them 5 times to take the laundry down)!

More than likely they respond back with pushback, shutdown, or in-your-face anger. Your teen is so importantly testing boundaries and asserting their independence and this often shows up in parent-teen interactions.

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And trust me, I know and appreciate how difficult it can be to keep your cool – through and through! In fact it’s pretty unrealistic to imagine you would show up that way every time. So, I invite you to take a breath with me, and give yourself kudos for showing up today and reading this. 

Parenting with presence invites you to focus on being aware of your emotional reactions to things and consciously responding to it.

Photo by Canva

 

It also increases something called co-regulation. Co-regulation is when your nerves are in a calm state as an adult, it helps to regulate your child’s nervous system. This happens heavily when your teen is younger – if you are calm, it helps to calm your child, if you are losing it, so are they. As your teen gets older they co-regulate more with their peers however, they are still impacted by your emotional responses. 

This is one of the most crucial (and most challenging) benefits of parenting with presence. It is about checking inwards on how you are feeling, what you are thinking (assuming, believing, etc.), and taking a pause to respond instead of react.

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Here are few things that you can do to respond instead of react to your emotions:

 

  • Step away/take a time out for yourself to calm down
  • Say how you are feeling, “I’m getting really heated here”
  • Take a few slow breaths 
  • Pick a time and location that feels neutral to have more serious conversations with your teen
  • Label your emotions (you can try using the feeling wheel below)Parenting Teens
  • Take care of your physical self (exercise, down time, sleep, nutrition)
  • Increase your positive emotions by thinking about and remembering something that makes you feel love/connected/awe/happiness etc.
  • Increase your positive emotions towards your teen by thinking of a time they did something that warms your heart
  • Express your thoughts and feelings by talking to a trusted friend or going to therapy
  • Create a meditation and/or mindfulness practice for yourself

The more you self-regulate, the more your teen benefits from it through your modelling, their natural co-regulation, and by creating more interactions that are calm and connected. 

Self-regulating your emotions also helps you to come to your teen with a clearer head. When you feel angry, anxious, or frustrated for instance, it’s harder to focus, think clearly, and think flexibly – your brain is quick to get on the defensive!

When you are able to feel more neutral it opens up space to really hear what’s going on for your teen. If they can tell you about their rough day at school or that test they’re really proud of, you build up their sense of “I matter and what I have to say matters”, as well as fostering a strong bond between you. 

Parenting with presence helps your teen learn how to take those emotional pauses. When you try (as much as possible) to respond instead of react to your emotions –  leading to more open- flowing conversations – you also encourage reflection and perspective taking for teens. If they can talk through the latest blow out with their friend or share with you the reasons they think they should be able to go to a party on Saturday night, you are really helping them hone in on some essential skills needed for adulthood.

It is a real investment in raising a cool adult who can handle their own inner experience while navigating different life experiences. 

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Parenting with Presence. How do I do it??

Here are a few ideas that let you know you are parenting with presence:

 

  1. You are trying your best to check in on your inner experience. You are practicing being aware of how you are feeling, what you are thinking, and you are actively managing your emotions. You are human- and teens are masters of pushing buttons, so sometimes your emotions manage you. Keep practicing and it will pay dividends.
  2. You are facing your FEARS. As a parent, it is so easy to go down the tunnel of worst case scenarios when it comes to your teen…. They will end up hurt, doing something terrible, or even worse yet.

    It is natural for you, as a parent, to want to do everything in your power to protect your offspring. Inevitably though, there is a process of letting go that needs to happen in order to allow your teen to step into their ability to handle various situations and make their own decisions.

    Parenting with presence asks of you to acknowledge those fears, those worst case scenarios, and to lovingly put them aside in favour of teaching your children values while allowing them to make mistakes, fail, and learn from their choices.

    Photo by Canva

  3. You keep in mind that you are raising adults. Your teen eventually is headed that way and these are foundational years that invite them to try adult roles in different areas of their life. As you keep the big picture in mind as much as possible, you are reminded that the end goal is to raise a capable, caring, compassionate adult who can live out their own experiences.
  4. You practice the good enough motto. You take the time to give yourself a pat on the back because you deserve that and you strive to do your best, knowing that parents are human and fallible meaning you also will sometimes fail and make mistakes, and that is ok.
  5. You are set on the gps on personal growth. Being a parent is a transformational journey. It tries and stretches you in unexpected ways. It can be a calling to learn more about yourself, your strengths, your weaknesses, your hopes and dreams. It’s an ongoing process and there are different legs of the journey.
  6. Take a moment to imagine what you want to get out of this journey – what matters most to you – what expectations/beliefs/values you hold most dear. You don’t need to figure it all out right now – remember it’s a journey.

photo by Canva

Susan Stifelman shares five more tips for you HERE as well as some more information in a video interview HERE.

For more tips & tools on parenting a teen with anxiety, you can download your (free) Anxiety Toolkit for Parents Raising Teens below. You will receive a PDF with tools you can implement immediately, along with 7 mini webinars from the psychologists here at Pyramid Psychology (including myself).

Tool Kit

 

Teen Anxiety

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

22 Nov
Emotions, For Parents, For Teens, Teen Joy

5 Ways Parents Can Cultivate Teen Happiness

I was listening to Dan Harris’ ‘Ten Percent Happier’ Podcast the other day, where he was talking with his guest Dachner Keltner  on fostering more happiness. I instantly got thinking about how the ideas that he shared, if applied to parenthood, could make a real difference in bringing more happiness into teens’ lives!

Teen Happiness – Remembering the “Awe Factor”

Picture walking on a grassy ridge that overlooks a large valley. The sun is breaking free from the few puffy white clouds in the sky, illuminating the valley below. The green peaks and valleys go as far as your eye can see. If you imagined this and felt a vast amazement kinda feeling, this is awe.

What do you notice when you think of feeling awe?

For me, I feel an expansiveness in my heart centre; a sensation of openness. My body feels good vibes, you know the warm, fuzzy, tingly kind. I get these feelings when I see my kids doing something they truly enjoy, watching a spectacular sunset, seeing the mountains in the horizon, to name a few. I’m so grateful for the feeling of awe- what brings you awe? 

When your teen does something that frustrates you (and they will!), or when they push back (they will do this too!) it is easy to jump into reactivity, or feel like you want to lay the hammer down. Often, this ends up in a head to head conflict and doesn’t solve the situation.

At one point, though, you probably felt awe in the presence of your daughter- perhaps she was itty bitty and gave you her first smile or when she took her first steps- read her first word. It might have been recently, responding to a situation in a way you admired –  an act of kindness, standing up for someone, etc.

Photo by Canva

When you’re frustrated with your teen, try to think of them in those moments – the way you felt; the thoughts and sensations you experienced while in awe. Use these sensations as an anchor to hold onto when you feel frustrated, discouraged, or disappointed in her behaviour. Try it and see what happens! 

It’s harder to be reactive when you’re feeling lovey….and more lovey feelings translates to more Happiness. 

Teen Happiness – Play and Laughter

In Dan’s Podcast episode, he shared the importance of creating joy, play, and laughter in our lives. There are various elements that affect the way humour/play is perceived – cultural factors, gender nuances, past experiences, etc.

In the context of your relationship  with your teen, think about how you bring play and humour into the relationship. Do you read the room and drop in a playful tone, some lighthearted teasing, or joking and laughter? 

There’s a time to be serious no doubt, but consider how your tone influences the conversations with your teen. You can show lightheartedness through your actions and your words.

Photo by Canva

It’s also a respectful approach to check-in with how your teen is perceiving the joking and playfulness that you bring into the relationship. 

A friend of mine gave my son an endearing nickname only a few days after he was born, and it stuck ever since! I recently became aware that when I use the nickname in front of his friends, they playfully poke fun at him about it. When I recognized this, I later asked my son how he felt about the nickname – and if he wanted some boundaries around when and where it was used?

It turns out, my son was totally fine with the nickname and I had nothing to worry about! However, asking your teen can increase their sense of connection to you while elevating their voice.

Bring lightheartedness and play into the conversation with your teen whenever you can, in a way that you both feel comfortable.

 

Teen Happiness – Gratitude

I talk a lot about gratitude –  appreciation and gratefulness of things, qualities, aspects, etc. Gratitude, from my perspective, can be a really great parenting tool to increase your teen’s happiness.

Acknowledge the things you are grateful for as a parent – recognize when your teen does something kind and share the special things you see in them. Notice when they’ve made an effort to do well, or try something new, etc. It doesn’t have to be a big deal! When there is a quiet moment just the two of you, point out a thing or two you’ve noticed recently.

You can also build in a more formal practice with your family, perhaps checking in around the dinner table each night (or any night you manage to gather around). There’s an acronym exercise called GLAD- where each family member takes a moment to name something for each of these letters:

Gratitude – acknowledge something you are grateful for and appreciate.

Learned – share one thing you learned today.

Accomplished – recognize one thing you accomplished during the day.

Delighted – name one thing that lit you up today.

Photo by Canva

Creating this practice (or any that you find helpful) with your teen can create a positive mindshift and highlight things that bring happiness into your space. You can get some other ideas for family gratitude practices HERE.

Modelling gratitude and appreciation is a way for your teen to naturally build it into their own life. It probably drives my kids crazy (even though they don’t say it!), but I will often point out my gratitude for the majestic mountains on our drive into school. Or I’ll point out the beautiful sunrise, and notice the different shades of light and clouds. Sharing these moments of appreciation can help your teen appreciate things around them, too.

My colleague Jessa Tiemstra, wrote a really great article on gratitude last week, including the science behind why it improves happiness. Jessa also shares 10 ways you can increase gratitude in your teen’s life; exercises they –

Photo by Canva

or you – can do on your own (instead of as a family). Read the article HERE.

Teen Happiness – Respectful Communication

There are various styles of parenting, all of which involve different ways of communicating with your teen. If you aren’t sure of your style, you can read about the four different ones in my blog article ‘Parenting Styles 101: Bridging the Gap of Communication With Your Teen’. The authoritative style of parenting – where you set the expectations for your family with room for collaboration, is a form of respectful communication that I really see fostering positive outcomes for  teens.

Communicating with your teen respectfully, in a way that allows them to share their thoughts, feelings, and opinions, elevates their voice and their confidence. There is a give and take in your relationship and this fosters autonomy, individuation, and the belief that they are capable.  Not only are these important developmental pieces for teens, but it increases their overall satisfaction in their lives, and therefore happiness.

When you’re speaking with your teen, it can be helpful to focus on the way you are communicating more so than the content. How you say something – the tone you use, the way you say things, your body language, the head space in which you do it etc., makes a deeper impact, sometimes even more than what is being said.

Here are three tips for conversing with your teen in a way that will increase happiness for the both of you:

  • If you’re feeling really emotionally fired up – which trust me, I understand! – give yourself some space. It’s okay to cool down and come back to a conversation another time.

  • Try to use “I” language as much as possible. “I” language expresses your experience as opposed to “YOU” language which can feel blaming, that they made you feel a certain way (and oh I know it can seem that this is very much the case sometimes- but the reality is our thoughts cause our emotions not others), or putting the other person quickly on defense mode

    So instead of saying, “you are making me so frustrated” you can try, “I am feeling frustrated with…”
  • Active listening – share back what your teen is saying with them. Check for accuracy… “It sounds like you’re feeling upset about how unfair this rule seems” or, “You seem sad about this decision”.

    Reflecting back to your teen isn’t about changing anyone’s opinion or perspective, but rather allowing your teen to feel heard and correct us if we’re not understanding it the way they intended.

And, yes this is a two-way street. The more you model respectful communication with your teen, the more you build the foundation for them to pick up those ways of communicating. 

Teen Happiness – Physical Touch

Photo by Canva

Physical touch is one of the oldest modes of communication known to humans. In ways of increasing happiness, touch can represent celebration, encouragement, fun, and pleasure. 

While listening to Dan’s Podcast episode, I was fascinated by some of the research his guest had done on touch in high school basketball teams. The study looked at how much touch was happening – chest bumps, pats on the back, high fives, etc. The results of the study showed that the teams who had higher touch points in this kind of way did better overall.

Interesting, right? 

Adding touch and physical contact when you are interacting with your teen increases your social connection with them, and their level of happiness as a result. A teen I was working with recently described how great a head massage feels. Or, it can be as simple as sitting close together, high fives, or hugs! 

When you’re doing this, it’s important to consider welcome vs. unwelcome touch, as well as your teen’s personality – are they someone who generally enjoys touch? Are they comfortable with the physical contact you are making? Check in with them – make sure it’s okay to sit next to them, or offer a hug, etc. When the situation is feeling strained, your teen’s boundaries around touch may be different than when you are having a more connected interaction.

To recap how you as a parent can increase teen happiness you can focus on-

  1. Touch
  2. Respectful communication
  3. Gratitude
  4. Play
  5. The ‘awe factor’ 

You can make small, impactful changes in each area that will increase your teen’s happiness overall.

I recommend picking one or two areas to work on. Become aware of how things are in this area for you and your teen right now. Notice small differences in how your teen responds to you as you become intentional about your actions.

Happiness seems more complex today  than it was when I was growing up. Your teen has a lot more on their plate than we ever did – navigating the current world, the overload of stimuli and information online, the various stressors, the pandemic! There is so much going on, that it is normal for families to struggle with their teen’s happiness.

Tackling the elements above is not a “try it once and your teen is happy” fix, the same as prescribing a depression pill isn’t an immediate fix for your teen’s problems – despite the fact that many of the teens I work with mention that a pill would “fix” everything. Increasing your teen’s happiness involves giving yourself grace, and continuous growth for both parties. The Happiness Pill Program is a 6 month coaching program for you and your teen daughter specifically designed to collaborate with you and other parents, as you navigate through which tools will work best for your teen. Your daughter will create a map of the life that she wants to live, and will work to design that life alongside other teens – she’ll know she isn’t alone with her struggles. You will both have a working frame to build on for happiness, so your daughter can intrinsically create it for herself. 

When you’re ready to create a concrete plan for your daughter’s wellbeing, and want the support to follow that plan, you can book a free 20-minute call with me to discuss your options, including The Happiness Pill Program.

Chantal Côté

5 Practical Ways to Take Control of your Happiness

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

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