The #1 Tool to Improve Communication With Your Teen Daughter
Parenting a teen right now? I probably don’t need to tell you that sometimes having a flowing conversation feels impossible.
Whether you feel like you’re walking on eggshells not to upset things or pulling teeth to get more than one word answers, communicating with your teen daughter can seem like a fine art.
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When it comes to parent-teen communication, I most often hear from teen girls things like “my mom just doesn’t understand” or “my parents don’t really listen to what I have to say”.
And from the parents of my teen clients, I hear things like “I’ve offered her so many ideas to try, but she just doesn’t seem to want to try anything” or “Anytime I say anything, it’s the wrong thing it seems”.
Sound familiar? Both of these perspectives are valid.
There are some common communication enablers and blockers that are at play here. With a little bit of tweaking, a bridge can be built leaving your conversations with your daughter more satisfying, less defensive, and drawing the two of you closer together.
The L.E.T it be technique is a must to improve any teen-parent interactions. L stands for Listen first. E is for empathize, and T is for Talk last. If you focus solely on this communication strategy for the next couple of weeks, you will see your interactions with your teen daughter transform.
Let me walk you through each of the steps.
Improving Communication with Your Teen Daughter Step #1: L – Listen First
If you’ve ever been in a serious conversation with someone else or on the other end of a boring University lecture, you might know that the art of listening can be far harder than it seems. Listening first is the golden rule to making communication easier and more effective with your teen daughter.
Here is an article that takes a deep dive into active listening skills and some great example scenarios: What Is Active Listening
I’ve put together a checklist with some highlights from the article. Keep this handy to go through (mentally or physically) to ensure you are listening first.
- Have I eliminated all or most distractions (e.g. physical distractions such as a phone, mental distractions like feeling rushed or having lots on my mind)?
- Am I listening to what she is saying instead of preparing how I’m going to respond?
- Am I showing interested body language (e.g. some level of eye contact, arms uncrossed, attentive nodding, etc.)?
- Am I coming from a place of unconditional love and acceptance (not the same as agreeing)?
- Am I staying as objective as possible, knowing that my teens feelings are hers, temporary, and separate from mine?
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If you start by listening first….
…. Even if you think you know where the conversation is headed
…Even though you might have some great advice to give
…Even though you might not agree with what she saying,
The conversations will be far easier and much more pleasant.
We are launching an online community for teen girls, with a separate forum for parents. This is a safe space to grow as a family to support your teen daughter’s unbreakable mindset.
Join Our Community for Teens & Parents
Improving Communication with Your Teen Daughter Step #2: E – Empathize next
(A.k.a. try putting yourself in her shoes). Sometimes parents skip this step altogether. They worry about the reaction or shutting down the
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conversation if they say the wrong thing.
Empathy is a skill. The more it is practiced, the easier it gets. And it is the part of the L.E.T it be technique that most impacts whether or not your daughter feels understood and trusts that you can be someone she can open up to.
Empathy is about expressing through verbal and nonverbal behaviours that you can understand how she might feel under that circumstance.Check this video out from Brené Brown on empathy.
Here are a few ideas of empathetic responses:
- “What you’re saying makes total sense”
- “You must feel so frustrated about that”
- “You’re in a tough spot here”
- “I imagine that’s been pretty hard”
- “I wish you didn’t have to go through this”
- Offering a hug, a hand on theirs, a kind smile, a gentle tone, compassion in your eyes, relaxed face, etc.
If none of these seem terribly natural to you, that’s completely fine. It’s OK to start small with empathy. But even if it doesn’t seem like things you would EVER say or do, I’m going to encourage you to try showing some empathy and keep an open mind.
Improving Communication with Your Teen Daughter Step #3: T – Talk Last.
You may be wise. In fact you probably have great ideas based on your own lived experience. More often than not, once you have done the L and the E, your daughter will be well on her way to resolve the issue. I’m going to say this again because it’s SO important. Most of the time, after you have truly listened and offered empathy, your daughter KNOWS what to do to handle the situation.
Ideas, words of wisdom, encouragement, anecdotes and helpful questions have a place. Use sparingly. I encourage parents to come from a place of curiosity and collaboration when offering any of the above.
I like asking permission before offering something. It opens up her receptivity.
“Can I share an idea with you?”
“I’m curious about what you were saying, can I ask you a couple questions?”
Of course there may be times when you need to be more straightforward with your input, but unless your daughter or someone else’s safety is at risk, those times are seldom.
Try using the L.E.T it be technique this week and see how things go.
If you want to know more about improving your relationship with teenage daughter, here is a blog article on ways teens can strengthen all of their relationships: 3 Ways to Improve the Quality of Teen Relationships.
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Lastly, join our online Wellness Hub Community for free resources, to help you raise teen girls, conversations with other parents, and opportunities to deepen your support for your teen daughter.
Click here to join our online Wellness Hub Community.
I can’t wait to meet you there!
Love,
Chantal
Registered Psychologist and Teen Coach with Pyramid Psychology
We are launching an online community for teen girls, with a separate forum for parents. This is a safe space to grow as a family to support your teen daughter’s unbreakable mindset.
Join Our Community for Teens & Parents
Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.
Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.
Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.
If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.
I am a registered social worker with a Bachelor of Social Work with a major in psychology from the university of the Western Cape, and a Master’s in Clinical Social Work specialization with individuals, families, and groups from the University of Calgary.
