23 Aug
For Parents, Relationships

The Teen Years are Here – Now What!?

You might notice your teen pulling away, not wanting to spend as much time with you, and who certainly would rather be on their phone than attend most family events.These are the teen years,a time when your teen is breaking away from childhood and experimenting with adulthood. It is a significant time for them and for you as a parent, as you adjust to someone who is pushing away one minute – and wanting a hug the next.

It is a difficult – but a very important – milestone to manage.

Lisa Damour (PhD Psychologist)shares a lot on what is going on during this important developmental phase and how to handle it, in her book: ‘Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions’. I highly recommend ordering a copy! 

Photo by Melissa Askew on Unsplash

What Does Breaking Away from Childhood Mean?

Breaking away from childhood – the teen years – is this idea of testing out different roles and aspects of adulthood. Almost like they are testing the waters of being an adult without diving in; a safer space to experiment. Your teen will be jumping back and forth between their new experiences, and their childlike demeanour.

I noticed this juxtaposition a lot on a recent vacation with my own teenage son. Usually, my son is very peer orientated. He wants to be with friends All. The. Time. When we were on vacation with no friends, my son wanted to spend a lot of time playing basketball with us every day, even showing physical affection, and playing games with his younger brother. But then later on, he was talking about dating and being in relationships and retreating to the trailer to be by   himself.

This is part of trying out adult roles, while being connected to aspects of childhood. 

Testing out adulthood could be anything for your teen, from sudden changes in fashion – hair, makeup, crop tops, etc. to no longer wanting to spend time with you. Your teen may want to spend most of their time in their room, but then occasionally still enjoy a day of baking with you, like they used to.

When friends are around, there may be a lot more eye rolling, or attitude – “mom, you don’t know anything!” type of behaviour. There’s a lot more pushing you away; you might see  a different side to your teen  when it’s just the two of you.

For the most part, you are held at arm’s length from their life and inner experiences… But when something goes off the rails (fight with friend, relationship ending, etc.) they’ll come to you and ask for advice, or want a hug. This is the flipping back and forth.

Dr. Damour uses the analogy of a swimming pool to explain the concept of breaking away from childhood in  the teen years, a playground image came to my mind – a very similar concept. 

Picture a playground, with the outer border  outlining  the park. In the middle  are the  play structures. The border – or outer edges – represent you as the parent. This is where your teen starts as a child, and then enters the playground. The play structures inside represent  all the different things and experiences they are trying out as they move into adulthood.

Younger children wouldn’t go far from that outer perimeter without having an adult nearby. But as teens, they can’t wait to leave the perimeter – a LOT! They want to be in there playing, trying things out. They want to explore their identity, experiment with new activities, and build different types of relationships.

As a parent, you are on the sidelines a lot of the time – you don’t necessarily know everything that is going on, thoughts, inner experiences etc. And they aren’t keen on sharing… But they will come back to the perimeter if they need a break from all that playground excitement.

When the tire swing makes them dizzy, they will come back to you – the perimeter – to sit for a minute. This is when you might have a moment of opening up a little bit, a sharing of their experience. Your teen may want a hug or a snuggle. They may even want to spend some time with you again…

The outer perimeter of the playground is their safe zone – you are their safe space.

It can be tempting for you to try and keep your teen close to the perimeter. To want things to go back to the way they used to be. But your teen wants to be in the playground , on the structures. That’s where they need to be in order to grow.

It can hurt and feel lonely as a parent to see them run  back off into their own space and take off into the world.

Know that it is very important that your teen has you there at the perimeter to be solid and keep them safe when they need it. For your teen to know they have a safe place to go when they are tired of climbing on the playground.

Understanding how important your role on the perimeter is, can be helpful to get you through this phase.

Photo by Omid Armin on Unsplash

Breaking Away from Childhood Is A Celebration

The role you play during the teen years is very important because they need to know they have support. They need to feel safe while they are breaking away from childhood.

The more I understand this process personally, the more I find myself being present in the moments when my teen is on the perimeter of the playground. I recognize how important it is to be there when my son needs a breather from the play structures, from trying new things. It feels empowering for me as a parent to know I am doing what I need to do to move him into healthy adulthood. And yes, at times a bit sad also.

So remember, when your teen doesn’t want to participate, is giving attitude, or would rather be with their friends – it is positive for their development. They are moving towards an important milestone, with you as a safety net. Breaking away from childhood is normal. And it is worth celebrating as a parent.

Photo by Sincerely Media on Unsplash

Taking Care of Yourself as a Parent in the Teen Years

Although it is a reason to celebrate, the process of breaking away from childhood can feel lonely and hurtful. Your teen may push you away, say mean things, give attitude, etc. You can feel rejected. This is especially true if you had a strong bond with them as a child. Just because this process is normal, doesn’t mean it isn’t hard. There might  be moments of loss, and even grief for you. There could also be a deep need to understand the change within yourself.

Taking care of yourself throughout this process is very important. Understanding what’s going on is a helpful first step. You will also need ways to get your own nurturing. This can be through other adult relationships in your life, like your co-parent, another parent friend or being part of  a community of parents. Being around others who are going through similar things will help you feel less isolated; you are not alone in the struggle. The Happiness Pill Program is a community I am building for you, as well as for your teen during this time. You can check it out here.

This developmental milestone is a time of shifting your focus from constantly being needed by your child, to having some space to recognize your own needs. Yes, your teens still need you, but not in the same continuous way they did when they were little. I encourage you to spend time connecting with things you love and enjoy that fill you up. Find activities or hobbies that were impossible to do when your teen was young and needed you physically all the time. You might see there is  space for new interests!  Not only are you taking care of yourself, but you’re modeling self-care for your teen as they experiment in the adult world.

Setting clear expectations for when your teen is pushing back and experimenting with boundaries is also a key part to taking care of yourself as a parent. Just because your teen needs you at the perimeter of the playground, does not mean you’re a doormat. They cannot walk all over you and treat you any way they like. Sometimes this can be tricky as a parent! Your teen may finally be wanting to spend time with you, and it may feel like telling them something they’ve said was hurtful will blow up and cause a big conflict. But it is absolutely okay to set those expectations – in fact, it will help them learn relationship boundaries that will carry into adulthood!

It is also okay to come back to something your teen has said or done, at a later time. To talk to them the next day and say “hey, what you said last night really hurt me. Let’s think about that choice in language next time.” Or letting them know ‘we don’t name call in this family’ etc.

Setting these boundaries can be emphasized,  if you have the luxury of being in a two-parent (or multi-parent) family, in the following way- Having someone  back you up a little when your teen says mean or inappropriate things. Another adult to say things like “ don’t talk to your mother like that, she deserves your respect just like anyone else”, and reiterate your expectations.

Even if you don’t have a two-person system in your family, it is still important to have clear boundaries and expectations. And to take breaks to care for yourself as the parent. 

Photo by Charles Deluvio on Unsplash

How to Tell When A Teen’s Behaviours Are Concerning

While breaking away from childhood is a very normal developmental phase, Dr. Damour talks a lot about extremes being a sign of concern.

If your teen isn’t showing any signs of breaking away, it can be concerning – no attitude, push-back or boundary setting, etc. If your teen is constantly  people pleasing, with very little attitude or experimenting with new things, something may be preventing them from breaking from childhood. Being highly anxious to try new things on the play structures, can impede their development.

If your teen is on the other end of the spectrum – constantly in the zone of adult-like behaviour –  it is also something to pay attention to. If your teen is constantly participating in risky behaviours, completely cutting you out, never reverting back to childhood moments, always pushing boundaries, etc., they are showing signs that something concerning is going on. 

Of course, crossing the line with behaviours will be different for everyone based on family rules, values, and expectations. But if your teen is harming themselves or others, it’s important to pay attention. This is a sign that you may need to guide their experiences. 

It’s important to note that teens aren’t consciously pushing back or giving attitude with the thought of “I’m test driving adulthood”, but as parents understanding the context of these behaviors can help you  guide them in terms of  behaviours that are going to help them transition into adult life.

As mentioned earlier, having a community with other parents – knowing you aren’t alone – is crucial for you. Part of The Happiness Pill program is a weekly community call with other parents who know exactly what you’re going through. It is there to bridge the gap in communication between you and your teen. There is guidance along the way, touching base on all the important components of breaking away from childhood.

Check it out here. Or book a strategy call (free) with Chantal to see if the program is something for you.

Love,

Chantal 

 

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with. If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook. 

parenting styles psychologist in calgary alberta teen psychologist authoritarian authoritative permissive uninvolved
16 Aug
For Parents, Relationships

Parenting Styles 101: Bridging the Gap of Communication with Your Teen

Is there a gap in communication between you and your teen? If you ever feel like you and your teen are speaking completely different languages which leads to tension and arguing, you are not alone. Understanding the various parenting styles – and which you lean towards – is a great place to start bridging that gap and strengthening the bond between the two of you!

Diana Baumrind, a psychologist in the 60’s, researched younger kids and their attachment with their parents. She looked for different patterns and behaviours that developed over time. She was highly focused on  the parent-child relationship. From this research, Baumrind  coined three different parenting styles. In the 80’s the research continued and a fourth parenting style was added.

The four parenting styles are: authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and unengaged/neglectful.

Parenting Styles on A Continuum

Before we dive into each of the parenting styles below, it can be helpful to recognize that they are on a continuum rather than definitively either this style or that style. You may recognize yourself in more than one of the styles. There are two continuums, the first is for warmth/responsiveness, and the second is for high vs. low levels of demand. See the photo below:

parenting styles psychologist in calgary alberta teen psychologist authoritarian authoritative permissive uninvolved

In terms of academic success, mental health, and emotional wellbeing, studies consistently indicate that children and teens do best with more authoritative parenting styles. The neglectful parenting style has shown to be the worst for them.

With that being said, there are values to all parenting styles, as well as consequences for each. It is important for me to acknowledge each parenting style without judgement and the hope that knowing more about this will allow you to make the best decisions for your family and their well being..

You will very likely discover your dominating parenting style, as well as other parenting styles you recognize using (a secondary style if you will). With an open mind, you may even see ways you want to shift your style!

The Four Parenting Styles

Authoritarian Parenting Style

parenting styles teen therapist in calgary alberta psychologist for teens

Photo from Canva Pro

Referring back to the image above, this style of parenting shows a high level of demand, and a low level of warmth.

There is a power differential between you and your teen – with you being in charge at the top, and your teen being at the bottom…You are the authority. The boss.

Something you might say to your teen is “because I said so”; there is very little room for negotiation, or having your teen weigh in on expectations or consequences. (It doesn’t mean you don’t care, just that what you say goes).

You are driven to have your teen do well in certain areas – to behave well, succeed academically, meet goals, etc. There is structure in your home, with a lot of rules; your expectations are clear. Emotions aren’t addressed or talked about a lot, and punishment is a strategy used readily.

Remember the continuum – you may notice sometimes you parent with the authoritarian parenting style, and maybe not other times. It isn’t necessarily ‘this’ or ‘that’ style.

Authoritative Parenting Style (Balanced or Engaged)

If your dominant parenting style is authoritative, your relationship with your teen involves a lot of warmth, AND there is a high demand from them. The power differential in this parenting style is still one with you being the caretaker, or the one in charge. However the gap between you and your teen is smaller. There is flexibility in their role.

parenting styles therapist in calgary alberta psychologist for teens coach for teens

Photo from Canva Pro

You have clear expectations and standards for your teen’s behaviours around respect, school, academics, etc. Something you may say to your teen is “let’s talk about it” – there is room for negotiation. You have built a ‘give and take’ style of communication with your teen.

So for example if you have the expectation that xyz chores must be completed after school, and then they can go out with their friends. Your teen would feel comfortable coming to you and asking if they can do the chores when they get back, or maybe partially complete them before going. There could be a conversation around this expectation.

In contrast, this conversation likely wouldn’t occur at all in the authoritarian style of parenting.

 

Permissive Parenting Style

You parent with a permissive style of parenting if there is a lot of warmth, and not a lot of demand.

parenting styles therapist in calgary alberta psychologist for teens coach for teens

Photo from Canva Pro

There are not very many rules in your home… The rules you do have in place may not be clear, and

are not often enforced. You avoid conflict with your teen whenever possible.

Avoiding conflict whenever possible and making your teen as happy as you can are important to you. You are indulgent with requests from your teen, for items, when they want to go out with friends, etc.

Your expectations for how your teen will contribute (academics, household responsibilities etc. are relatively low).

Using the same example with the chores above, your teen will most likely go out with their friends and do their chores later.. You sometimes end up doing the chores yourself, to avoid conflict. Or, they slide by altogether- maybe they don’t even have official chores to do.

Uninvolved Parenting Style (Disengaged/Neglectful)

The uninvolved parenting style involves little to no warmth, and very low demand.

parenting styles therapist in calgary alberta psychologist for teens coach for teens

Photo from Canva Pro

As a parent with this parenting style, you are not really engaged or interested in your teen; your teen fends for themselves. This could be from a variety of reasons – your own childhood, trauma, a heavy workload, competing priorities etc. Whatever the reason, you do not have a lot of time for your teen.

 

If your teen were to get invited out with friends, they would simply go without telling you. They most likely don’t have chores to worry about at all. Or, if they do, it is because you are absent.

It is important to note that while all parenting styles do have value, the uninvolved parenting style shows the worst outcomes for teens and their development – their emotional well being and mental health.

Using Your Parenting Style to Communicate with Your Teen

As you read through the four parenting styles, where did you find yourself on each continuum? Did you notice a dominant one or a secondary style of parenting you turn to?

Understanding your parenting style can help you see how it affects communication with your teen. If you are more authoritarian, your teen may not be very open to discussing what’s going on in their world and how they are feeling. If you are more permissive, your teen may treat you like more of a friend, giving you all the details on what’s up and also some of the treatment that seems reserved for friendships. If you are more authoritative, your teen may be asking a lot of

calgary psychologist teen therapist in calgary alberta pyramid pscyhology chantal cote parenting styles

Photo from Canva Pro

questions and looking to negotiate boundaries often.

If you’re unsure (or you just like doing online quizzes) here is a quiz you can do to get an idea of your dominant parenting style. In this quiz, Micheal Popkin uses the terms Autocratic (closely related to Authoritarian), Permissive, and Active (closely related to Authoritative).

Of course, this is one part of the equation. At the end of the day, your teen has their own personality and temperament and will respond to parenting styles differently. Some teens may respond better to parents who are more authoritarian while others may thrive more with more permissive parenting. Even though research tells us the best outcomes seem to be linked to authoritative engaged parenting, each child is different.

Once you’ve pinpointed your go-to parenting style, you can start thinking about the strengths in your parenting. What are the things you are doing well as a parent? – Does your teen know what to expect, are you caring and engaged, , do you stop at the drop of a hat when your teen has something important to talk about, etc. These are all attributes that bridge the gap between you and your teen, and it is thanks to your parenting style!

pyramid psychology therapist for teens teen coaching parenting styles psychologist in calgary alberta

Your Parenting Style History

Consider how you were raised – what parenting style did you see as you were growing up? How do you think that impacted you?

Some parents will repeat how they were parented, and others will do the opposite…Think about what values you hold onto from your parents’ parenting styles, and which you’ve let go of. What are your reasons for holding on or letting go?

Your Teen’s Response to Your Parenting Style

You can use the idea of parenting styles to parent with intention.

Once you know the what and why of your parenting style you can give some thought to how your teen is responding to your parenting style. Although the authoritative parenting style is associated with positive outcomes , every teen is different. You can ask yourself- when does my teen respond best to me (no you can’t say never!)? And, when does my teen respond the worst, almost a guaranteed shutdown or argument?

Then, look at your areas of vulnerability; things you want to work on. For me, I lean close to the authoritative parenting

style, but I can also be quite permissive – there is a lot of indulging and warmth with my kids…. There are some beautiful things with that; my relationship with them is really strong. But I can see when I have indulged too much. And I

recognize that my kids both ask for/expect a lot of things.

If you are looking for some ideas to support your communication with your teen, The Happiness Pill Program is a deep-dive program designed to bridge communication between parents and teens, just like you. It is a 6-month program with ongoing support for you to dive into your parenting and find ways to help things flow for your family. There is also support for your teen to develop communication skills, decrease anxiety & depression, and increase confidence. Check it out here.

Do not hesitate to reach out if you have questions! I am also accepting questions to be answered in my weekly blog article.

Email any time: info@pyramidpsychology.com

 

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with. If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook. 

09 Aug
For Parents, Relationships

7 Ways to Parent Teens Successfully

It is a different ball game in today’s world to parent teens successfully. This generation of teens face a lot of different stressors and pressures than previous generations.

With technology and social media, teens are connected to a much larger world. They are privy to a lot more stimulus and information, including exposure to worldwide issues, and at a much  earlier age! I’m pretty sure I was wearing classically “uncool” sweatpants (don’t get me wrong, sweatpants can be cool nowadays) and running around playing make-believe until I was at least 11 or 12. There is a lot of pressure for teens on how they show up in the world – as a social advocate, through body/self image expectations, popularity contests (think likes on social media) etc.

Photo by Amy Treasure on Unsplash

That translates to it being  a really challenging time for you as a parent to navigate these dicey waters.

It’s important to acknowledge the challenges when it comes to parenting teens successfully, with our fellow parents and non-parents, to create supportive communities, and talk about the shifts that have happened in parenting throughout the generations. Of course every family/situation is different, but there has been an overall shift to a more authoritative (aka sometimes called balanced) parenting style. This kind of parenting is one with a lot more discussion around things, instead of authoritarian (it’s “my way or the highway”) or passive/permissive (the kids are the boss or do their own thing). You can read a brief definition of some of the parenting styles here.

Many more parents today are wanting to be quite engaged and involved in their parenting, and that’s a wonderful thing! There is an emphasis on making the relationship with your teen a top priority… and if that speaks to you, it may mean pivoting , and learning new skills and approaches. 

Here are  7 ways you can parent successfully while putting the relationship first: 

 

Parent Teens Successfully: Listen and Seek to Understand

I hear from teens on a daily basis: “my parents don’t get it. They don’t understand me, and they never will.” etc. While part of this is normal – all teens at some point feel their parents don’t understand them – it is also really indicative that parents need to reconsider their way of  listening. 

You probably have a lot of advice and wisdom to impart to your teen; experiences to share, and values you want to instill in them. These things are all important! However, the real impact is when you can step back and be a listener more than a talker. When you  listen most of the time,  and add in wisdom just a little bit of the time, the impact is far greater.

 

Photo by Bence Halmosi on Unsplash

Parent Teens Successfully: Get to Know Your Teen as A Person

Get really curious about who your teen is! Ask them what they like or enjoy. Ask their opinion on things (I have yet to meet a teen who doesn’t want to share their opinion). What kind of passions do they have? Which hobbies interest them? What doesn’t interest them? Which are the things they dream of doing one day?

You want to create opportunities for quality time to truly get to know your teen as a person. 

Buuuut, you’ll need to be careful not to leave them feeling badgered. I know I get caught in the ‘one too many questions’ with my teen… I think the conversation is going great, and then I ask one more question and I get an eye roll, an “I don’t know”, or a “nothing”, said with attitude. That tells me I asked too many questions! Oh well, I can always try again next time.

You can also get curious by getting to know the books and movies your teen is into. Take an interest and read/watch them yourself; ask them things that will get their perspective, it’s a wonderful peak at who they are.

There are 100 questions you can ask your teen in this article – just remember not to ask them all at once!

 

Parent Teens Successfully: Have a Go – To Venting Place

It is not easy to be a parent and the pay sucks! It is trying on your emotions, and even your own thoughts. A normal part of parenting is to sometimes think things like “I don’t know what to do… they are driving me $%@* crazy…..I don’t know what to say any more.”

It’s Important to have somewhere to go, or someone to talk to; a venting person. This allows you to have a safe space where you can say the things that could be harmful if you said them directly to your teen… I’m not suggesting that you put on a fake facade to your teens and then smack talk them to your friend… But things like “they are driving me crazy! They’re so lazy and won’t clean up after themselves!” are good things to vent to a friend or another parent that will ‘get it’, instead of saying it to your teen.

9 Reasons Every Mom Needs a Venting Buddy is a really great resource that dives into the amazing things venting does for you as a parent; it’s more than getting some complaints off your chest!

 

Parent Teens Successfully: 70/30 Rule

This is about giving yourself some compassion to not get things ‘right’ all the time; 100% spot on. Set an expectation, or a goal, for yourself as a parent to try and get things ‘right’ 70% of the time, instead of all the time. 

You’re  going to mess up at some point, say the wrong thing….lose your temper. You might even say something really mean. It’s all okay, as long as you’re leading with love, curiosity, and kindness a lot of the time. Leading in this way 70% (80% would be superstar status!) of the time gives you some leeway when you do mess up. It allows you to go back and apologize, to let your teen know you didn’t handle it the way you wanted to, and move on from there- remember the emotional bank account blog? (Going back and apologizing can be really powerful)!

Don’t shame or blame yourself every time you make a mistake. Instead, think about what you can do next time, how you can clean it up, etc.

Photo by Baylee Gramling on Unsplash

Parent Teens Successfully: Modelling

You can be a powerful influencer for your teen by modelling the behaviours and values you want to see. Things like respectful communication, talking openly about thoughts and feelings, self-care, choosing healthy relationships, etc.

You can model respectful communication by talking to your teen in a calm, respectful, caring tone… This doesn’t mean you’ll receive the calmness back all of the time (or even most of the time) from your teen, but it will allow them to see that it’s a possibility; that it can be done that way. You can show your teen how to have a healthy body image, by practicing things that demonstrate you’re caring for your mental health and that you love your body. For more tips on modelling, this is a really great article: Parents: Role Models and Positive Influences for Parents.

(Check out our upcoming Body Image Workshop for Teens if your teen is needing more help in that area specifically. Information for parents is also included).

 

Photo by Eye of Ebony on Unsplash

 

Parent Teens Successfully: Positive Discipline

Positive discipline is using consequences, expectations and rules as a way of teaching rather than punishing. On an unconscious level, punishments or consequences can have the intention of ‘hurting’ your teen in a way; showing them what it feels like, or ‘getting them back’.

Imagine your teen breaks curfew – instead of punishing, ask yourself “what can I teach here? What lesson would I want them to learn?” Discipline can be an opportunity to teach the importance of safety and communication. Going forward, you can set an earlier curfew, no outings for a period of time, or require more check-ins the next time they go out.

For key points around positive discipline, check out this PDF.

Photo by Melissa Askew on Unsplash

Parent Teens Successfully: Let Love Lead

Put the relationship first. No matter what happens. At the end of the day, that’s what’s important.

You want your teen to know they are important to you, that their safety matters, and that they have your support if things go wrong. For example, If your teen is experimenting with alcohol (even though you rrrreally didn’t want them to), you want them to know they can call you if things go awry. Or when it comes to apologizing – letting your teen know you’ve made a mistake, and building that trust with them, is more important than the need to be right all the time.

When you’re communicating with your teen, ask yourself “when I say (or do) this, am I saying/giving them the message that they matter? Am I telling them that this relationship is important to me?” Take an inventory of what sending that message looks like.

This comes up for me a lot when I think of situations with my own teen when I want to nitpick – like  when he comes home  on time, but full of sassy attitude. It would be so easy to nitpick about the attitude! But when I  stop and think – is it more important for me to stop the sass, or can I put the relationship first? Instead of nit picking, I can start a conversation – “How was your night? You seem a little off – is there something you want to talk about?”…..or ignore the sass and notice the timely entrance. 

Implementing these 7 ways to parent your teen successfully is a work in progress. Don’t forget the compassion part, and remember to find joy in the journey!

 

The Happiness Pill Program

I have created a program called The Happiness Pill Program that is designed to bridge the gap between you and your teen, so you can really begin to put your relationship first. The program focuses on a one on one approach where you as a parent will learn to communicate and collaborate with your teen from a better common ground. 

After we have begun that work, your teen and I will create a road map of their wishes, goals, and dreams, and the steps to get there. I will be giving them the tools throughout the 6-month program (through group coaching) to navigate bumps on the road, decrease anxiety, increase confidence, build better relationships, love themselves, and ultimately create their own happiness.

All while checking in with you so you can continue to build a strong bond with your teen on their journey to end overwhelm and depression.

You can go to my website below for more details here, or email us at info@pyramidpsychology.com to get on the waiting list.

Happiness Pill

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with. If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook. 

29 May
Emotions, For Parents, Relationships

Family Bonding Time – What To Do When Your Teen Refuses To Join

The other day a parent was sharing that their 15 year old daughter refuses to go hiking with the family on weekends; she is missing out on family bonding. Sometimes forced to go, her mood puts a damper on the hike. Recently, they were planning to take a family holiday and their teen was saying she didn’t want to go and would make it miserable for everyone the entire time.

The thought of arguing the whole time with your teen  or having them mope around in straight up objection to being there can sound painful as a parent.  You may be tempted to just abandon ship and let them stay behind so at least one of you can enjoy the adventure.

Although teens are developing independence, and that comes with a level of pushback and push away, I am still going to make a case for “dragging” them along on these family moments in the name of memories, experiences, and bonding.

family hike

Photo from Canva Pro

WHEN YOUR TEEN REFUSES TO JOIN IN

Ultimately you get to make the call that fits best for your family. I would invite you to consider your reasons for proposing family time. For me, family time is an opportunity to connect and get to know each other outside of the stresses and routines of the daily grind. It’s also an opportunity to invite us to try new things and discover likes and dislikes. The truth is, often times when my teen is in refusal, it works out to be a pretty good time in the end.

Photo from Canva Pro

You may ask yourself:

  • Why do I think family time is important?
  • What values do I hope to share and instill in my children?
  • What do I hope my children will remember most about their childhood?
  • How do I think these experiences might impact our relationship?

I know I used hiking and holidays as the example up top – but it doesn’t have to be something that requires many resources or time. Family time can be games night, walks in the park, drive-in movie night, shooting hoops together (I do this lovingly and terribly!), etc. It all counts.

 

Photo from Canva Pro

Your teen may see this as time that could be spent with friends or something that pulls them away from things they enjoy (like being on their phone). There is some truth to this and it can be helpful to acknowledge it. You may approach this lovingly with expectations. Start by understanding the refusal – What are their reasons for not wanting to do the thing? Acknowledge their reasons – “so you’d rather be hanging out with your friends, I know how important they are to you.” Lovingly state your expectation – “I love you and want to make sure we have some time doing things as a family, we are all going to try this hike on Saturday – I hope you can make the best of it”. 

​CREATE SPACE FOR COLLABORATION AND NEGOTIATION

Whatever the refusal is, there can be an opportunity for your teen to feel heard and for you as a family to come up with ideas that work for everyone (most of the time). The time you invest in this process is a part of helping your teen develop communication and perspective taking skills and it can strengthen your bond and relationship.

How?

Photo from Canva Pro

Well if your daughter says “I don’t want to go hiking, I hate walking that long!”. Acknowledge the refusal. See if you can come up with some ideas to collaborate and negotiate on the family bonding activity  – maybe it’s a shorter family hike, maybe afterwards there is a relaxing reward like stopping for a cold bevie or ice cream, maybe you leave earlier for the hike to get home early enough for her to relax with her friends afterwards, etc.  

Know that their refusal is a part of the parent-child dynamic. Teens are exploring boundaries and pushing against them. When you’re in the midst of it, it can feel infuriating – know that this is essential to their development and you are that special person that is helping them along the way. As difficult as it may be sometimes, trying to remind yourself that this is normal and healthy development that is going to get them to be independent functioning adults can help you keep perspective. 

Photo from Canva Pro

When your teen is refusing and letting their opinion be known by way of their mood- it can be so easy to get swept up in the emotions. Remember your hula hoop – this is something I’ve been really working on lately. Your hula hoop is everything that is within your control; the things you have choice around. Everything that is outside of your hula hoop is outside of your control.

The way your teen behaves during the family activity – outside of your hula hoop. Your response, thoughts, perspective? All within your hula hoop. You get to choose whether their negativity is going to take you down or if you want to take the high road. You allow somebody or something to ruin something for you – not them.

I’d love to hear what is a part of your family bonding time – send me an email so we can compile an awesome list to share with our community of parents – chantal@pyramidpsychology.com

Love,
Chantal

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with. If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook. 

17 May
For Parents, For Teens, Teen Joy

Sexting, Dating and Relationships: What Parents Need to Know About Keeping Their Teens Safe Online

Being connected online is pretty much the standard for most teens. They are online for school, social life, entertainment, distraction, information – you name it, they are online for it. This is also an important time in their lives where they are increasingly curious and explorative in their sexuality and relationships.

What happens when we mix the online world and sex cocktail? This is tricky, not going to lie… Some days you may have the urge to throw out their phone and ban them from all potential online threats lurking around the corner. Of course this is one option, but probably not the most feasible. Not to mention it takes away the opportunity for them to learn the skills on how to engage online safely.

Photo by Bianca Castillo on Unsplash

When it comes to relationships, sex, and dating, teens are definitely having most conversations online. So, how do we encourage them to hit those normal developmental milestones around sexuality and relationships while staying connected to the online world safely? I’m approaching it this way – learning about the threats, keeping the conversation open and ongoing, and equipping them with knowledge to make informed decisions.

Some of the things I did as a teen like flirting, passing notes, and experimenting with relationships and dating have online versions today. One of the main differences is that when I said or did something I felt embarrassed about, it was something that felt terrible in the moment and eventually within a day or two (mostly) went away. Online posts and conversations have a more permanent shelf life and that can lead to more significant consequences.

Here are some of the potential online threats when it comes to relationships, dating and sexting:

​Sexting – Dr. Elana, in her article Sexting: What Parents Need to Know, describes sexting as “sending or getting sexually explicit or suggestive images, messages, or video on a smartphone or through the Internet.” If your teen has access to the internet and a device, they are exposed to the potential of this kind of interaction.

Dr. Elana also discusses the reasons why teens may be sexting which range from relationship related, as a joke, and in response to peer pressure – to name a few. Teens may see sexting as a relatively safe behaviour if they are in a relationship and context where they feel safe. But, the reality is the content that is posted can easily be spread to others (intentionally or accidentally) who your teen may not feel so good about sharing with. 

Photo by Canva

Revenge Porn – This wording has been criticized by some so it also goes by ‘non-consensual pornography’ and ‘image-based sexual abuse’. The sharing of photos with others or on online platforms via hacking and/or without the consent of your teen by someone like an ex would constitute as non-consensual pornography. Glamour magazine UK wrote a few pieces that share about the impact of this kind of experience on young people. Unfortunately, the frequency of this type of violating behaviour has been on the increase since the pandemic.

 

Photo by Canva Pro

Pornography – What defines pornography differs over time and within cultures. According to Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy pornography are any materials (image based or words) that are sexually explicit. Arguably there are some risks involved in teens viewing these materials. Pornography can perpetuate messaging around sexual behaviours that are inappropriate (e.g. lack of consent.) It can also offer perspectives on sexuality that are biased and without a lot of context.

 

​Online Predators – There are people online who definitely do not have your teen’s best interest at heart. The thing is once a photo is posted online there is very little way to control who may see it and what is done with it. If it comes across a sexual predator, your teen is at risk for being sexually exploited. Media Smarts, Canada’s Centre for Digital and Media Literacy writes that online predators rarely lie about their age and motives as seen in movies and shows. They often build relationships with youth and take advantage of that trust. Oftentimes the predator is someone the teen knows.

… Are you heading upstairs right now to confiscate your teen’s phone? Hopefully you’ll stick around and read about how you can really help your teen navigate this online world.

Photo by Canva Pro

Keep The Conversation Going

Talking about online social media use and how your teen wants to be known is an important step in keeping them safe. Knowledge and choice are powerful guards against exploitation. Does this mean they won’t make mistakes when it comes to dating, sex, and relationships online? Nope. But it does mean they’ll think twice before posting and maybe even make choices that keep them safe most of the time.

Start by being clear about the online threats you’re concerned about. It may be awkward at first, but if that pathway of communication is open, they are more likely to let you know if something isn’t feeling right to them.

Rachel Simmons suggests discussing some of the following topics when talking to your teen their social media use:

  • What they love about their social media platforms – get to know what they’re on and their favourite part of it
  • How they are using social media
  • What they want their social media account to say about them – look at encouraging it to be speaking about who they are over proving something to someone else or self
  • Encouraging social media as a point of connection to others instead of point of competition and comparison
  • How they can use social media to share about things, issues, and people they care about
  • The consequences of using social media as a platform to seek approval from others or ask what others think of them
  • ​Ask them to be curious about the intention, the why, and how they feel about what they post

Photo by William Krause on Unsplash

Some Other Ideas For Parents

Having rules and expectations around online behaviours can help create clarity and protect your teens from some online threats. MediaSmarts and Privacy Canada have great resources for parents and youth to check on how to stay safe online, relationships, cyberbullying and more.

You may also consider having shared accounts where you can check-in once in a while on things. Encourage your teen to have usernames that don’t reveal personal information and to password protect their accounts (you may want to know those passwords.) You may have limitations and rules around which social media apps and sites are to be used.

Having device use in a more common space in the home can help promote safe online use. I know this can be challenging especially nowadays when people are working from home and home more often.  Having privacy and needing space may override the desire to have device use be in a common area. This is a topic for negotiation and collaboration to figure out what works in your family.

Have limits on online use. This might entail having everyone leave their phones in a common space at bedtime or having a time where internet use is restricted.

Keep an eye out for things that seem off. If your instinct is saying something is not right, chances are there is something going on. If your teen’s behaviour suddenly changes, their response to getting off their online platforms is extreme, or they seem more secretive about their online use, this is something to pay attention to.

A final word. I do have an opinion on this. Youth need to know that even if they make a mistake when it comes to their online presence, they are not going to be shamed. In the case of teens who have become victims of non-consensual pornography, there are still too many stories that victim blame, punish, and shame the person for having taken the photos in the first place instead of taking action against those who shared without consent.

Let’s help our teens confidently navigate the world of dating, sex and relationships online by supporting, teaching, and learning from them. That way we empower them to make informed choices!

Love,
Chantal

 

 

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

09 May
Emotions, For Parents, For Teens, Teen Joy

Teen Mental Health Check up : How Are They Doing?

Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash

May is Mental Health Awareness Month, but let’s face it – Every Day should involve mental health awareness, especially at this time. The constant unknowns, missing out on friends, grads, sports, social gatherings and changes occurring in response to Covid-19 are sending many teens into a spiral of overwhelmed and anxious emotions. As parents and adults, you may be finding yourself in a similar situation where it is hard to look on the bright side or find motivation to get yourself out of this rut.

Are you noticing your teen spending hours in their room? Do they lack energy and motivation to get their tasks done?

Let’s talk about mental health and how to know when your teen is needing more support.

Making mental health a top priority can help flip things around for your teen. You might already know that if you want to feel better physically, you figure out the gaps and make changes to things like exercise, rest, and eating habits. Just like your physical health, if you want to feel better mentally, it starts with figuring out the gaps and making changes that will support your teen feel better.

Let’s break this down into 3 sections:

  1. Your Teen’s Current Level of Functioning
  2. Red Flags That Your Teen Needs Extra Support
  3. How to Help as a Parent

Photo by Trung Thanh on Unsplash

Your Teen’s Current Functioning

How is your teen doing? There are 5 main areas that you can take stock of that will help you determine how they are doing. The first area is their current supports. Paying attention and asking questions to learn about their friend groups and their connections is the place to start. Supports may be peers, adults or even pets! Be curious about who your teen is talking to – is it you? An older sibling? A teacher? Their best friend? They don’t need to have many people, but it is important to have a few options.

The second area that influences teen mental health is current stressors. Stress is not always a bad thing – it can help your teen prepare for a test or perform in their sport. However, there’s a tipping point where stress zaps energy and motivation away. You can try checking in with your teen by asking things like:

  • What are 3 things you think about most of the time? 
  • What’s been stressing you out lately at school/with friends/at home? 
  • What’s one thing (or person) that’s been annoying you lately?
  • If you could take one thing away from your daily tasks what would it be? 
  • How would you like to spend more of your time? (The answer to this one may surprise you!)

Dialing into what kind of stressors are most impacting your teens right now will give you an idea of how they are doing.

Once you know what’s stressing them out, then you want to know how much this causes issues. In other words, how much is the problem disrupting their day to day? Is their stress keeping them up at night? Is it something they think about every day? Are there physical effects caused by the stress – like headaches or stomach aches? Stress in small doses can build your teen’s stress resilience or, in other words, their ability to deal with stress. I wrote a blog specifically on stress – Why Stress About Stress – A Teen’s Guide to Handling the Ups and Downs – which includes the different zones you can pay attention to.

Photo by Imani Bahati On Unsplash

Next, you want to have a sense of your teen’s coping strategies. How do they deal with their problems and challenges? I often talk to teens about the concept of ESD (express. soothe. distract.) Although it is important to build coping strategies in all of these areas for the best mental health outcomes, people do have a tendency to have a more dominant way of handling struggles – and that’s ok.

Express is all about finding ways to let out the thoughts, feelings, and energy behind what is troubling you. Express could be:

  • Talking to a friend
  • Going for a run
  • Listening to music
  • Painting or drawing
  • Creative writing
  • Journaling
  • Screaming into a pillow
  • Tearing paper
  • Crying

Soothe is about finding ways to calm your mind and body. It’s like helping your nervous system do a little reset. We all need a little reset sometimes. Soothe could be:

  • Crying
  • Hugging
  • Going for a walk
  • Taking a nap
  • Wearing a favourite sweater
  • Giving yourself a hug
  • Having a warm drink
  • Taking a bath
  • Massage
  • Meditation
  • Yoga

Distract is usually the dominant one for most teens that I first start working with. Anything that gets your mind off the problem can be considered a distraction. Some examples are:

  • Watching TV, YouTube, or social media
  • Hanging out with a friend
  • Going for a run
  • Playing video games
  • Playing with your pet
  • Finding something funny
  • Cooking/baking
  • Creating art
  • Listening to music

As you may have noticed some coping skills fit into more than one category. It depends on the outcome – what does this coping skill help me do: express myself, distract myself, soothe myself, or a bit of everything? To give your teen a whole list of coping strategies to try, download our free Mental Health Handbook for Teens (illustrations done by a teen!) here.

Last and certainly not least is whether they are asking for support. If your teen is saying they’d like to talk to someone or they’re not sure how to handle things, this is important to listen to. You can read about the different supports I offer in my blog article: Everything You Need To Know About Therapy – On And Off The Couch.

Photo by Canva

Red Flats *Pay Attention To These!*

You may have a decent idea of your teen’s current functioning. In the above conversations, you may have even brought some of those pieces to your teen’s awareness. Teen’s are going to have ups and downs – it’s part of being human and especially part of being a teen human. Here are some red flags; things you want keep an eye out for that will let you know your teen’s mental health is suffering:

  • Your teen is feeling worthless, hopeless, helpless, or rejected
  • You notice a major lack of energy or motivation in daily activities
  • There are sudden changes like withdrawing or isolating themselves from things
  • A significant decline in school performance (e.g. super hard to concentrate or get motivated)
  • Consistent trouble concentrating or thinking clearly
  • Trouble sleeping or eating
  • Decline in personal hygiene beyond the typical stuff (here is an article you can read on this topic)
  • Your teen has a lot of negative thoughts, or thoughts that spiral down out of control (e.g. thinking of dying or suicide)
  • Your teen says they are hearing voices or seeing things that others don’t

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How To Help as a Parent

1. Put your oxygen mask on first. I’m not a fan of “musts and shoulds” most of the time, but this one is imperative! You must take care of yourself in order to support your teen. If you are burnt out, overwhelmed, or crazy stressed, you not only don’t have the energy to help your teen, you also set a precedent on how to take care of yourself and your mental health.

Stop. I don’t want you to make yourself wrong or bad about this. Just notice. Pay attention to how you take care of your own mental health. What message do you think it is sending to your teen about how to take care of their own mental health? What is the message you would like them to pick up about their mental health? Check out this resource on avoiding parent burnout!

2. Making time to listen and check-in with your teens on a regular basis is important. It doesn’t always have to be on the topic of mental health of course, but that topic needs to be on the table for discussion. Some teens have said to me they enjoy going for drives with a parent or going for a walk and just talking. Others have check-ins with their parents just before bed or around the dinner table. You can collaborate with your teen and find ways that work in your family to have undistracted, tech free conversations on a regular basis.

3. Ask how you can help. If your teen is struggling with a specific issue like anxiety, school stress, friendship stuff, start by asking them how you can help. You can give a few ideas if that question is met with I don’t know or a dazed look. Sometimes I will ask ‘are you looking for ideas to resolve the problem or to vent and just have me listen right now’?

4. Get help from others. Hook your teen up with resources that are specific to supporting their mental health. Here are just a few:
​

If you decide after your mental health check-up with your teen that it would be helpful to work with someone, connect with us over at Pyramid Psychology 403.812.1716 (call or text) or email us at info@pyramidpsychology.com.

Love,
Chantal

If you found this post helpful, pass it on by emailing a friend or sharing it on Twitter or Facebook – Thanks!

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

27 Mar
Emotions, For Parents, For Teens, Teen Joy

Making The Most of Family Time During The Pandemic

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It can be easy to focus on the negatives, and not without reason. We are living in a pandemic; many people are stuck at home, have lost their jobs, activities of interest, or otherwise made major life adjustments. While a lot of these factors are not easily changed, we can make the most of the situations that we are facing. For some families, the pandemic means a lot more time is spent together at home. Choosing how to relate to others and ourselves can make a significant difference.

Here Are Some Ideas For How To Encourage Healthy Family Dynamics

One way to build family cohesiveness is to come together and make a list of factors that will lead to a healthier and happier family. These factors can include anything from values, such as treating each other with respect, kindness, and being honest, to more practical guidelines. Practical suggestions could be taking turns completing certain household responsibilities, or everyone cleaning up after dinner together until the job is done. It is important for everyone to pitch in, have their ideas heard, and to agree to work as a team to reach the goals.

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This list of therapeutic interventions comes from Dr Hertlein’s “recipe for success,” whereby the family comes together to agree upon shared hopes, identify ways to get there, and being sure to celebrate when progress is made. For families with teenagers, the “recipe for success” could be rephrased as the honour code or the pizza plan, with the reward for making progress being a family pizza and games night, or whatever other enjoyable activity fits best with the family.

Another way to foster family unity is through gratitude. At times, our minds like to focus on the negatives or things to improve. While there is a time and a place for that, it is not always the most productive strategy to stay in that mindset. Instead, aim for roughly five positive comments to every one negative (or constructive) one. This is a high standard, and admittedly can be difficult to achieve. If verbalizing gratitude for another family member seems like too big a leap, consider reflecting on and writing down aspects of people within the family that you are thankful for.

Photo by Ross Sneddon on Unsplash

Related to gratitude is taking a genuine interest in the activities of other family members. Video games, puzzles, makeup, sports, fashion, or what-have-you may not be of personal interest but being curious about these interests if they are important to a loved one shows care, support, and encourages connection.

Lastly, role-modelling desirable behaviour is a great way to move toward a preferred outcome. Loving family members even when they are at their worst, taking accountability for errors, and being vulnerable with personal thoughts and feelings set the groundwork for authentic connection. Admitting wrongdoing and asking for forgiveness sends a huge message in terms of what it means to be human – it is okay to be imperfect, to try our best, and that relationships are more important than personal pride.

A part of this role-modelling is kindness for oneself. We all make mistakes, but it is of no benefit to anyone to stay there and dwell on it. Similar to thinking of five positive factors to one constructive factor for others, take a similar approach for yourself.

What are other tips do you have to build family connection and confidence?

Love,

​Jessa

Jessa, our intern – a Masters of Counselling student – has officially started!

Jessa graduated from
the University of Calgary
in 2015 with a Bachelor
of Arts with Distinction
in psychology. and is
currently completing her
Masters of Counselling
Psychology through
Athabasca University.
Jessa loves spending
time with family and
close friends, learning
new things, and being
outside in nature. She
also enjoys food,
cooking, and trying new
recipes, and is
interested in art both
personally and as a tool
in therapy.

21 Mar
Emotions, For Teens, Relationships

5 Secrets On Why You Want Your Teens To Care About Social Justice

I’ve been meeting the most amazing youth in my therapy practice. One of the things that really strikes me is the caring and passion they have for things they believe in.

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What does your teen care about? What lights them up, sparks their fire, gets under their skin – you know – the thing they just can’t help saying something about? You might find it challenging if it differs from your own views and beliefs. This may lead to you to feel frustrated at why they can’t see your point of view or a series of pointed heated debates.

When I was younger, I became really interested in learning about cultures. I eventually started volunteering with an organization that supported refugees who had recently arrived in Canada. It started from a place of curiosity and I ended up learning so much about myself, others, and the world. Even though my views were not necessarily the same as some of the people in my world, I continued to stay connected to this program and even worked there for a while. Following my passion and what I believe in has made for some incredible connections, learning, and experiences.

Here’s the thing: If your teen is passionate about a cause, they are hitting an important developmental milestone. If your teen’s views or passion are not harming them or others, it’s worth elevating their voice. Even though you may not share the same opinion as them, here are 5 reasons why encouraging your teen’s passion is important:

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Fostering Your Relationship With Your Teen

When you take the time to hear about your teen’s views, whether it’s political, social, or other, it fosters connection with your teen. Being curious about things they care about is like getting the inside scoop on your teen. It can open your eyes to their likes, dislikes, values, and worldviews. At a time in their development where they are often pushing parents away, these can be invaluable moments of connection and insight for us as parents.

Foster Empathy

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Empathy is the ability to connect with others, the emotions they are experiencing, and a way of communicating to others they are not alone, even if you have not experienced the same situation. When your teen is speaking up for others, learning about a specific cause or thing that matters to them, they are nurturing their ability to be empathetic. This builds their emotional and social intelligence which will serve them in all human interactions. Even if this cause is not people-oriented like being passionate about rescuing animals, there is empathy in the connection to a living creature as well as to the people they meet along the way that share and don’t share these views.

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Foster Identity and Confidence

 

Your teen is constantly in the process of getting to know who they are, how they want to show up, and who their people are. By engaging in something larger than themselves and finding things that matter to them, they can build pieces of their identity. They may go through periods where something is important and then shed that part of their identity and that is ok. They are trying things on for size and this is an important part of developing identity. By speaking out and speaking up your teen is developing their confidence – their ability to take action even if they are unsure, nervous, or doubting.

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Foster Connection

Feeling connected is core to the human being. We need connection in order to thrive. This connection can come from meaningful relationships with others, spending time with people who have similarities to us, and in being witnessed and understood. When your teen is passionate about a cause or issue, they will likely find others who have similar views. They may connect to peers, mentors, and other influencers along the way. This is also an opportunity for you as a parent to connect with your teen around what matters to them.

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Foster Critical Thinking

Giving your teen a voice around their views and beliefs can help build important brain skills. Be open to conversations around the issues they find important. Ask them about their interest and what makes it important to them. When there are opportunities, engage in healthy debates and critical questions around these issues. You are ultimately helping them develop their ability to have perspective and to critically think about things.

What are some causes you felt passionate about as a youth? Are you still connected to these views and beliefs today? I invite you to share one thing that your teen self felt passionate about with your teen and find out what it is that lights their fire.

Love,
Chantal

​​If you found this post helpful, pass it on by emailing a friend or sharing it on Twitter or Facebook – thanks!

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

14 Mar
Emotions, For Teens, Teen Joy

Why Stress About Stress – A Teen’s Guide to Handling the Ups and Downs

 

Photo by Canva

What is Stress?

A breakup, a big test, talking in front of the class – you know exactly when you feel stressed. There are certain situations that probably really rev up your stress levels and you can see them coming from a mile away. Then there might be other times when stress either creeps up or slams into you like a semi-truck.

Stress is your body and brains’ response to the outside world. Whether you’re taking a test, meeting a new person, talking to your crush, playing your sport, or performing in some way, stress is basically anything that is put through your brain computer and interpreted as tense, straining, scary, or pressuring. Your brain interprets stress in microseconds.

What you find stressful may not be the same thing as what your friends or parents find stressful. But, there are some situations that our brains are wired for from an evolutionary perspective, like rejection, that most of us feel some stress around. Public speaking and speaking up for ourselves or others are pretty common ones.

What is Happening in the Body?

When your brain detects something that feels like a threat (emotional, psychological, physical) it flips on the stress response. You might notice your heart start to race, your breathing change, your body feeling tense, sweaty, or shaky. You may be feeling nervous, like you’re in a fog, or like you notice everything on hyperdrive (ex: everyone is staring at me.)

If you think about this response in a real life-threatening situation, it’s actually a really good thing! You would want to be noticing dangerous things and be tense and ready to run or fight. But in the case of meeting a new person or eating in front of your friends, this stress response is….. Kind of a bummer.

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How Can We Flip The Switch On Stress?

Everyone gets stressed. It’s totally normal and can be a good thing. Thinking of stress on a continuum (like the one above) can be really helpful with green, yellow, and red zones, or like a 1-10 kind of thing.

Some amount of stress actually helps your brain and body focus, be alert and ready for things – so that could be really good if you’re taking your drivers test and want to be paying attention and alert or you’re in a playoff game and you need to be focused, muscles tense, engaged and ready to perform.

If you start to look at stress as an opportunity to get better at handling stress, you will actually be better at managing stress. The kind of stress that is an opportunity is sometimes called adaptive stress and this would be your green zone stress. These situations help build your stress muscle to become more resilient, more able to handle stress. You know you’re in your green zone when you are having a stress response, you’re able to handle it, you get through the stressful thing, and the stress goes away.

There is also the yellow zone stress, this is stress that lingers a little more. So even when the thing is done, the stress is still there. Sometimes things like moves, family changes, breakups (friends or relationships), or a death can be considered yellow zone stress. And sometimes people who have become fearful of certain things – like speaking in front of the class or test taking – end up feeling like these are more like yellow zone stress until they learn ways to manage that stress better.

Red zone stress is the kind you want to avoid as much as possible – it’s sometimes called toxic stress. When your body and brain are flooded with stress continuously, it can actually change the way your brain is wired. Stuff like abuse, neglect, and violence fit into this zone.

Why Should I Pay Attention To Stress? 

So now that you know stress happens to everyone, and stress is not always a bad thing… When should you pay attention to stress a little more? Here are some signs you need to pay attention to your stress:

  • ​If stress is moving into “all the time” territory and you’re constantly feeling stressed.
  • If stress is extreme and affecting your mood – so if you’re feeling aggression/anger, anxiety, overwhelm, depressed, unable to get out of bed, really down, shutdown, etc.
  • If stress is causing physical symptoms like headaches, stomach aches, lack of appetite, or disrupting sleep, it’s time to pay attention. Butterflies in your stomach and sweaty palms don’t count, especially if they are temporary.
  • If stress is affecting your social life like your friendships, family relationships, school success, etc.
  • If your stress coping behaviours are risky like drugs/alcohol, self-harm, restricting your eating or binging, binging on social media to numb out, totally avoiding people or things, etc.

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6 Things You Can Do Today To Better Manage Your Stress:

1. Notice Your Stress – pay attention to what’s happening in your body and brain and dial in to your green, yellow, red zones. The more you recognize this, the more you can choose to do something about it. If you notice yourself ramping up, you can stop and use your coping skills and resources and reach out to your supports as needed.

2. Organization and Planning Skills – make your stress more manageable by getting stuff in order – organizing your space, reminders, lists, using a calendar, planning ahead, breaking tasks down into smaller chunks can be super helpful.

3. Relaxation Strategies – practice calming yourself every single day. Some ideas you can use are breathing techniques, mindfulness, meditation, yoga, journaling, having a drink of water, slowly counting to 10.

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4. Express Your Stress – stress has a lot of energy behind it so don’t keep it bottled up. Try working out, sports, writing, singing, art, talking to someone, taking a nap, listening to music.

5. Make Stress Work For You By Using Mindset Stuff – working on your thoughts and beliefs about things that are stressing 6out this? Am I actually in danger? Can I laugh with myself about this right now or after?

6. Enroll in Stress Buster Bootcamp – I have created a bootcamp that includes one month of daily texts for you, with a different tip, tool, or resource to managing stress in each text. Your parents will receive a weekly webinar so they can support you better, too. You or your parent can email info@pyramidpsychology.com for details.

So now you are ready to take on stress and even allow it to be your friend sometimes. If you are looking for more ways to be the boss of your stress, sign up from our Stress Busting Bootcamp, where you will get 28 audio text messages with different ideas and information on how to manage stress, PLUS 4 webinars for parents (and teens if they want) to learn all about stress.

Love,
Chantal

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with.

If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook.

28 Feb
Counselling, For Parents, For Teens, Relationships

Everything You Need to Know About Therapy – On and Off the Couch

Can you picture yourself walking in your favourite park, sun shining down on your face, picture perfect trees against a vast blue sky backdrop?

What if this was your counselling session?

Photo by Priscilla De Preeze on Unsplash

When choosing a therapist to work with your teen, fit is really important. You want to choose someone who your teen feels comfortable with, someone who you can communicate with easily, and someone with knowledge in working specifically with teen issues.

Beyond these considerations, you’ll also want to think about how the sessions will unfold. When I was developing my therapy practice,  I gave a lot of thought to the different ways I worked things out when I was a teen. I have memories of walking with my best friends, tea in hand, venting about relationships and school stress. I remember keeping a journal for poems, art, and just letting it all out. I also remember blasting my music until the feelings passed.

That’s why it’s important to offer different ways for teens to meet with me. Here’s a little more information on the ways therapy can look when working with the team at Pyramid Psychology.

Photo by Priscilla De Preeze on Unsplash

Walk and Talk Sessions

My friend reminded me the other day that I had talked to them about the idea of walk and talk therapy sessions over 10 years ago. Although I’m definitely not the only person to have thought of this idea, it has been percolating in my mind over many years.

Walk and talk therapy sessions are when I meet with a client in a safe outdoor space (generally Fishcreek Park in Calgary, Alberta) and we walk during the session. We can take breaks and sit on the park benches or walk the entire time.

This kind of therapy can be great if:
– You are intimidated by the idea of sitting face to face with someone and talking about vulnerable topics
– You like to move
– You like being outdoors
– You have good conversations with others while walking

 

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Movement produces endorphins and other natural chemicals that help boost our mood. So the combination of being able to talk about your struggles while moving can be a natural way to help thoughts, feelings, and experiences transform from the inside out. Even paying attention to the speed of walk or the pace can help bring awareness to your teen’s experience and their ability to make choices that are right for them.

When I asked my first walk and talk teen client how the pace of our walk was, they answered, “what do you mean?”. I invited them to notice if our walking speed was too fast, too slow, just right and to notice that in their body. At first, I think the teen thought it was a little weird, but as they settled into noticing, they realized they wanted to walk just a little slower and we adjusted. It may have seemed like a small moment but it was so significant to have them check-in with how they were feeling in that moment and to advocate and ask for a change. This is a skill they continue to grow and use in their everyday life.

Walking side by side with your therapist can also help to even the playing field. What I mean by this is sometimes it can be intimidating for teens to talk to adults, let alone psychologist adults. Walking together can help it feel a little more comfortable and casual. The quality of the therapy is there, but the feelings surrounding it may make the conversation flow with more ease. You can check out www.pyramidpsychology.com for a little more information on walk and talk sessions.

 

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Expressive Arts

Expressive arts is a way of supporting teens (people of all ages really) to express, understand and discover while using experiential mediums such as paint, writing, drawing, photography, movement, music, crafting etc. Expressive arts is different from art therapy. It uses many different ways for teens to reflect and get to that place of change and action. Expressive arts also uses something called the Intermodal Process. The Intermodal Process means using multiple mediums in one session in order to gain a deeper understanding.

For example, you might start by creating an image and then write about the image or you may start by listening to some music and create a drawing in response.

It’s important to know:
– You don’t need to be an artist or
– Even think you are creative
– All you need is a little bit of curiosity and an open mind
– It can be as simple as starting with scribbles or creating a mini sculpture with pipe cleaners

I have trained for some time in expressive arts and the really humbling part is that in order to learn you need to do it. So I have tried many different ways of being creative, some which I love, some which I learn so much, and some that I won’t use that much in the future.

Photo by Etty Fidele on Unsplash

If a teen is interested in using expressive arts, we talk about it at first and discuss how it can be used occasionally during sessions as an additional way to process thoughts, feelings, experiences OR that it can be used as the main technique. It’s important for us to find the right fit. I also start off by getting to know the teen’s type of creativity they feel most comfortable with. Teens have said to me it’s been helpful to know the art is not graded and there is no expected outcome. The art making process is just as important as the product (the thing you create).

When teens (and me!) use expressive arts in session, oftentimes, they are surprised at what they notice and what comes to their awareness. It can help them:
– transform an emotional response (e.g. anxiety to calm)
– put into images/art/music feelings and thoughts that are difficult to put into words
– take an experience that feels scary and big and make it into a tangible creation that isn’t as overwhelming
– bring awareness to their inner experience in order to make changes and come to resolutions
– learn new skills, new ideas, and new knowledge

If your teen is less verbal, needs more time to process their experiences, or enjoys being creative, expressive arts might be a really good fit. The Thirsty for Art Podcast and Shelly Klammer are a couple resources to check out to learn more.

 

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Virtual Sessions

Some teens like virtual sessions because they can hop on from the comfort of their own home. If your teen has a private, cozy space where they can talk to their counsellor,  this may be an option. It can be nice to have your pet snuggle up to you while in session and be able to sit on your bed or wear your pajamas.

Virtual sessions are not for everyone and here are a few things for your teen to consider:

  • Is my home a space safe?
  • Is it quiet and distraction free?
  • Am I ok meeting someone in 2D?
  • Am I virtually tapped out?
  • What are the pros and cons of this type of therapy for me?

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On the Couch

Meeting face to face in a specific office space has its advantages. It is a container for therapeutic work. The space is dedicated for this and once a teen leaves, they metaphorically leave some of that tough stuff in that space. Having a consistent  familiar space to meet can also help with that feeling of comfort and safety. Knowing all you need to do is show up and the space will be there, unchanging, and familiar can alleviate additional stress. Talking with someone face to face can help add things like non-verbal cues (e.g. body language) which gives another bit of information.

Your teen’s choice on how they want to work with their therapist is part of growing their self-esteem and confidence. You can always mix things up also and have some off the couch and some on the couch sessions – making the process of building bulletproof mindsets as creative as they want it to be!

Love,
Chantal

​If you found this post helpful, pass it on by emailing a friend or sharing it on Twitter or Facebook – Thanks!

– Chantal Côté, R.Psych, Pyramid Psychology – helping older children, teens, and young adults learn how to build bulletproof mindsets.

Chantal Côté (she/her) is a psychologist and teen life coach living in Calgary, Alberta. After over a decade in non-profit and community mental health, Chantal started Pyramid Psychology, a practice dedicated to supporting teens – a population she is constantly amazed by. Chantal is on a mission to help 100,000 teen girls (and their parents) build bulletproof mindsets so they can weather the ups and downs of life. As part of this goal, Chantal has had the privilege of speaking at various events – virtual and live – to support teens and parents.

Outside of this passion, Chantal is often in nature, writing poetry, playing ball hockey and hanging out with her loved ones.

Each week, Chantal writes a blog article in response to issues she hears from the parents and teens she connects with. If you have something you’d like to read more on – email ideas and questions to info@pyramidpsychology.com or DM us via Instagram or Facebook. 

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